short funny wedding speech openers

38 Funny Wedding Toasts That'll Leave Everyone in Tears

• Chapelle writes articles for The Knot Worldwide. She covers all things wedding-related and has a personal interest in covering celebrity engagements and fashion.
• Before joining The Knot Worldwide, Chapelle was an editorial intern for Subvrt Magazine.
• Chapelle has a degree in English writing from Loyola University New Orleans.

If you think you're the funniest person you know but can't put that humor on paper, you might be worried about writing your funny wedding toast. But don't let that blinking cursor on a blank page intimidate you. I've found tons of giggle-worthy inspiration from all my favorite books, movies and public figures to help add pizzazz to your wedding speech . Whether you start or end with one of these funny wedding toast quotes, these are the building blocks to a legendary, laugh-packed wedding reception, rehearsal dinner or engagement party moment.

In this article:

Funny Wedding Toasts

Funny wedding toast quotes.

All these funny wedding toast examples are perfect for people who weren't born with the right kind of funny bone. And if anyone asks you after the toast how'd you come up with something so hilarious, I suggest just laughing loudly and walking away briskly.

Funny, Short Wedding Toasts

Need something short and sweet for your wedding toast? Try one of these, which will be a sure hit during the reception.

1. "[Name of partner one] stole [Name of partner two]'s heart, so [Partner two] stole [Partner one's] last name. All in all, I would say that things worked out quite nicely, considering neither of them ended up in prison..." – Anonymous

2. "A good marriage is one where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal. That's unfortunate for these two!" – Anonymous

3. "Here's to you and here's to me, I hope we never disagree, But if, perchance, we ever do, Then here's to me, to hell with you." – Anonymous

4. "I would like to reintroduce the most important people here tonight. We know them, we love them and it's probably why we're all here…the bartenders." – Anonymous

5. "May your marriage be so solid it could last through being on a Bravo reality TV show." – Anonymous

Funny One-Liners for Wedding Toasts

A quick zinger, said in the middle of a serious or sentimental speech, will throw guests off in a good and hysterical way. Just remember to slow down and annunciate so no one misses it.

6. "Marriage is like a walk in the park… Jurassic Park." – Anonymous

7. "May our children be blessed with rich parents!" – Anonymous

8. "Hello everyone. For those of you who don't know me, I'm [Name of newlywed one]'s and [Name of newlywed two]'s mistress." – Anonymous

9. "May the roof above you never fall in and may you both never fall out." – Anonymous

10. "I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always." – Anonymous

Funny Wedding Toast Closing Lines

Send guests off with something memorable at the end of your funny wedding toast. Be prepared for lots of high-fives and congratulatory pats on the back.

11. "May we never forget what's worth remembering or remember what's best forgotten." – Anonymous

Find your kind of venue

12. "I'm going to ask everyone to take their glasses–and for those who still can–stand and raise a glass to the newlyweds." – Anonymous

13. "[Name of newlywed one] and [Name of newlywed two], before I finish, I'd like you to turn to face each other. You're now looking into the eyes of the person who's statistically most likely to murder you. To the happy couple!" – Anonymous

14. "I have one final piece of advice for you two lovebirds: never stop laughing, even when the jokes are horrible." – Anonymous

15. "To our best friends, who know the most about us, but refuse to believe it." – Anonymous

16. "May you both live as long as you want, and never want as long as you live." – Anonymous

Here are some popular and unique funny wedding toast quotes from my favorite things and people. If you don't see anything below that you resonate with, use this as inspiration to find quotes from your beloved poems, movies, songs or people.

Funny Wedding Toast Quotes from Poems

Love poems come in heavy supply, so surprise guests with a funny wedding quote from one of these poets.

17. "To keep your marriage brimming / With love in the loving cup / Whenever you're wrong, admit it; / Whenever you're right, shut up." – "A Word to Husbands" by Ogden Nash (American poet)

18. "No teacher, preacher, parent, friend / Or wise man can decide / What's right for you—just listen to / The voice that speaks inside." – "The Voice" by Shel Silverstein (American poet and cartoonist)

Funny Wedding Toast Quotes from Movies

Snatch your favorite quote from a movie you love to personalize your funny wedding toast and allow guests a sense of familiarity.

19. "I'm not a smart man, but I know what love is." – Forrest Gump (1994)

20. "I love you. That's why I make you miserable." – Real Women Have Curves (2002)

21. "I love you even when you're sick and look disgusting." – Love Actually (2003)

22. "Marriage is like a tense, unfunny, version of Everybody Loves Raymond, only it doesn't last 22 minutes. It lasts forever." – Knocked Up (2007)

23. "Honestly, if you're not willing to sound stupid you don't deserve to be in love." – A Lot Like Love (2005)

Funny Wedding Toast Quotes from Songs

By quoting a song for your wedding toast, you get two choices for how it can be delivered. Ask the DJ to cue the song to play so you can sing along, which will garner laughs, or read it if singing isn't your strong suit.

24. "Can I be the man you're looking for? / Can I be your girl forever more? / I'll try real hard not to lose her / I'll try to be less of a loser" – "F*ck You," by Garfunkel & Oates

25. "I can make you angry, you can make me smile / We can make origami with the kids for a while / You turn me on to the idea of growing old" – "The Idea of Growing Old," by The Features

26. "Remember back when we had problems? Oh man, that was annoying! / But now our love has magically solved them / And there won't be any more in our future at all" – "We'll Never Have Problems Again," by Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Cast

27. "I'd buy you Rogaine / When you start losing all your hair / Sew on patches / To all you tear" – "The Way I Am," by Ingrid Michaelson

28. "Now when arrows don't penetrate, see (cupid grabs the pistol) / Uh, yeah, now, now lookie here / He shoots straight for your heart / Now, and he won't miss you" – "Happy Valentine's Day," by OutKast

29. "Here is the church and here is the steeple / We sure are cute for two ugly people / I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else / But you" – "Anyone Else But You," by The Moldy Peaches

30. "Here is a heart / I made it for you so take it / Battered and braised / Grilled and sauteed / Just how you like it" – "Here Is a Heart," by Jenny Owen Youngs

Funny Wedding Toast Quotes from Famous People

Sometimes celebrities can have wise words to provide the masses. Use one of these famous quotes for your funny wedding toast.

31 . "The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret." – Henny Youngman (British-American comedian)

32. "The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it." – Anne Bancroft (American actress)

33. "I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." – Rita Rudner (American comedian)

34. "True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." – Mindy Kaling (American actress and comedian)

35. "Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy." – Henry Kissinger (Former United States Secretary of State)

36. "Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are." – Will Ferrell (American actor and comedian)

37. "All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." – Charles M. Schulz (American cartoonist)

38. "If I didn't do this well, I just wouldn't have anything to do…I can't cook, and I'd be a terrible housewife." – Freddie Mercury (British singer and songwriter)

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36 Funny Wedding Toasts and Speeches That'll Get the Whole Room Laughing

Plus, tips on writing and delivering a humorous speech that won't come off as a roast.

Photo by Abby Jiu Photography

In This Article

Have you been asked to give a wedding toast ? First and foremost, congratulations! It’s clear that you mean a great deal to the marrying couple and that they trust you to speak on their behalf in front of everyone that has ever been important to them. It's a tremendous honor, but we understand that you might be feeling a bit nervous about your new role as reception orator. Where should you begin?

The most important thing to know about wedding speeches is that the best ones are both heartfelt and humorous—and, most importantly, well under five minutes. While you’ll want to dive deep into your own memories of and feelings about the couple for the heartfelt bits, zingers don’t necessarily come naturally to all of us. To help you out in the laughs department, we’ve rounded up some of our favorite funny wedding toasts and marriage quotes below. Feel free to borrow with abandon and mix them up as needed—whatever it takes to make your speech really shine! 

Photo by Twah Dougherty Photography

Funny Wedding Toast Ideas 

These one-liners and well-wishes are sure to garner some chuckles.

• "What do late nights, wild parties, and hanging out with friends on the weekend have in common? You won’t be able to do any of those things from now on. But congratulations on your wedding!"
• "May your children be blessed with rich parents." 
• "Here's to you and here's to me, I hope we never disagree, But if, perchance, we ever do, Then here's to me, and to hell with you."
• "Let’s raise our glasses to the two secrets of a long-lasting marriage: a good sense of humor, and a short memory."
• "May all of your ups and downs be only in the bedroom." 
• "Remember: In life, there are only two tools anyone really needs in their toolbox—duct tape and WD40. Duct tape keeps things from moving when they shouldn’t, and WD40 gets things moving when they’re stuck."
• "May you both live as long as you want, and never want as long as you live."
• "May you never lie, cheat, or drink. But if you must lie, lie with each other. And if you must cheat, cheat death. And if you must drink, drink with us. Cheers to the newlyweds!"
• "We are gathered here today to honor something so truly magical, so truly unique and wonderful, that it simply had to be celebrated. I am, of course, talking about the doughnut wall."
• "As Bill and Ted once said: 'Be excellent to each other, and party on, dudes.'"
• "Saying 'I do' at your wedding is like clicking the 'I accept' box any time a new piece of software on your computer or phone asks you to read its terms and conditions: You do it despite having no idea what will come next. Congratulations on your marriage!"
• "Never laugh at your spouse’s choices. Remember: they also chose you. Cheers!"
• "Now, let’s raise our glasses to the happy couple. I actually like both of you—do you have any idea how rare that is?"
• "May the most you wish for be the least you get." 
• "May your household multiply, and may your hearts never be divided."

While quotes are great, keeping your wedding toasts personal or even providing quotes you remember from the couple getting married is always a good choice.

Photo by Jose Villa

Funny Quotes for Your Wedding Toast 

Use these humorous bits to offer the newlyweds wisdom and advice with a wink in your toast.

• "The secret to a good marriage is to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg 
• "We are all a little weird, and life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness and call it love." — Dr. Seuss 
• "I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." — Rita Rudner
• "Marriage is not just spiritual communion. It is also remembering to take out the trash." — Dr. Joyce Brothers
• "Love is blind. Marriage is the eye-opener." — Pauline Thomason  
• "A good marriage is like a casserole: only those responsible for it really know what goes into it." — Unknown
• "All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt." — Charles Schulz
• "Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There’s too much fraternizing with the enemy." — Henry Kissinger
• "To keep your marriage brimming with love in the loving cup, whenever you're wrong, admit it; whenever you're right, shut up." — Ogden Nash
• "For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
• "If you’re wrong and you shut up, you’re wise. If you’re right and you shut up, you’re married." — Unknown
• "Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy." — Unknown
• "If at first you don’t succeed...try doing it the way your wife told you." — Unknown  
• "Spend a few minutes a day really listening to your spouse. No matter how stupid [their] problems sound to you." — Megan Mullally 
• "The secret to a happy marriage remains a secret." — Henny Youngman
• "The best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly who you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass. That’s the kind of person that’s worth sticking with." — Mac MacGuff in Juno 
• "You’ll know you’ve mastered marriage when you ask your spouse to hand you 'that thingy' over there and they know exactly what you mean.” — @sixfootcandy on Twitter
• "Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there." — George Burns
• "A successful marriage requires falling in love many times—always with the same person." — Mignon McLaughlin
• "If your husband tells you you're being too dramatic, don't forget to bow when you thank him." — @3sunzzz on Twitter
• "Marrying someone is easy. Staying married after going to Ikea on a Saturday with an empty stomach is not." — @maryfairybobrry on Twitter

Photo by Les Loups

Tips for Writing and Delivering a Funny Wedding Toast

A funny wedding toast is a great way to keep everyone engaged; guests (especially after a few drinks at cocktail hour) don't always have the best attention spans for long, emotional speeches. A toast that's light, short, and appropriately funny is the recipe for one attendees will remember—and for all the right reasons. Just be sure to follow a few important tips for writing, practicing, and delivering a funny wedding toast.

Avoid too many inside jokes.

Have you ever been out with a group of friends and experienced everyone laughing about something that makes absolutely no sense to you? If so, you know that there's no worse feeling than being on the outside of an inside joke. While it's perfectly fine to include a few lines that make sense to just a few people in attendance, it's important to ensure that the vast majority of your toast resonates with everyone on the guest list.

Don't poke fun at the happy couple.

Remember that this is a toast, not a roast. It's best to be humorous but not mean-spirited or cruel. You want guests to laugh with you instead of at the happy couple, so avoid anything that feels as though you're mocking the newlyweds. Sharing funny stories and musings is a better course of action than retelling every embarrassing story you know about the bride or groom.

Be sure to strike the right balance between funny and serious.

While you don't have to pair every funny line with something more sentimental, it is nice to ensure there's a good mix of content in your speech. Balance all that (tasteful) humor with more serious sentiments—how much you love the couple, what their bond has taught you about happy relationships, and your hopes and dreams for their long, happy future together—and you've got a guaranteed hit.

Have someone else vet it.

Who can forget that scene in Wedding Crashers where Rachel McAdams thinks she's written the world's funniest speech and Owen Wilson kindly tells her to speak from the heart instead? While you might think you've penned a winner, it's best to let someone you trust weigh in before you take it to the crowd. Be open-minded about their feedback and willing to adjust if they note any major red flags.

Practice, practice, practice.

Your speech might be rock solid, but if you're tripping over every word or rushing through what you've written, guests will never know how great it is. Though definitely don't have to memorize it, you should practice it a few times through to make sure there are no clunky phrases or tough to pronounce words. Nail your timing and make sure you give your jokes a little breathing room for laughs, too.

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Funny Wedding Toasts

Funny wedding toasts are the perfect way to add a touch of humor to your wedding speech. A good toast can break the ice with a bit of laughter and put everyone at ease, while poking fun at the newlyweds in a loving way.

The following funny wedding toasts and examples are perfect for anyone raising a glass in honor of the new couple. You’ll find toasts for suitable for everyone, whether you’re a member of the wedding party or guests:

But beware, a poorly timed joke can fall flat, a tasteless remark can offend, and a poorly delivered anecdote can land with a thud. So, how does one successfully toast the matrimonial merriment?

Fear not, for we are here to guide you through the treacherous waters of wedding humor. With the following tips and examples, you’ll be crafting toasts that will have the newlyweds and guests rolling in the aisles.

How to give a funny wedding toast

Just follow these five simple steps to deliver a successful wedding toast to celebrate the newlyweds on their wedding day:

• Know your audience. What kind of jokes will they appreciate? Fun loving or a bit formal? Adjust your material accordingly.
• Keep it short and sweet. A well-placed zinger can have a much bigger impact than a rambling anecdote.
• Know your limits. There’s a fine line between funny and offensive. Don’t cross it. Avoid jokes that are mean-spirited or make light of sensitive topics.
• Practice makes perfect. Rehearse your toast beforehand to ensure a smooth and confident delivery.
• Most importantly, have fun! Loosen up and enjoy the moment. If you’re having fun, the audience will too.

Best funny wedding toasts from movies

1.) Marriage is like a tense, unfunny, version of ‘Everybody Loves Raymond’, only it doesn’t last 22 minutes. It lasts forever. Knocked Up

2.) As Bill and Ted once said: Be excellent to each other, and party on, dudes! Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure

3.) I’m not a smart man, but I know what love is. Forrest Gump

4.) I love you. That’s why I make you miserable. Real Women Have Curves

5.) I love you even when you’re sick and look disgusting. Love Actually

More famous toasts and cheers from movies.

Short funny wedding toasts

1.) May your children be blessed with rich parents.

2.) Time to raise our glasses to the happy couple because I like both of you — do you have any idea how rare that is?

3.) Never laugh at your spouse’s choices. Remember: they also chose you. Cheers!

4.) Here’s to the new couple! May all your ups and downs come only in the bedroom.

5.) To the happy couple. May you share everything in live, especially the housework!

6.) Now let’s toast to the two secrets to a happy marriage. A good sense of humor and a short memory.

7.) To marriage — the only battle where, once a month, you sleep with the enemy.

8.) To love, laughter, happily ever after — and to these two beauties who paid for the free bar!

Video: 7 Easy Wedding Toasts

Witty wedding toasts.

1.) What do late nights, wild parties, and hanging out with friends on the weekend have in common? You won’t be able to do any of those things from now on. But congratulations on your wedding!

2.) May your marriage be so solid it could last through being on a reality show.

3.) Congratulations on the termination of your isolation and may I express an appreciation of your determination to end the desperation and frustration which has caused you so much consternation in giving you the inspiration to make a combination to bring an accumulation to the population.

4.) Saying ‘I do’ at your wedding is like clicking ‘Accept’ any time something pops up on your computer screen: You do it despite having no idea what will come next. Congratulations on your marriage!

One-liners for wedding speech

1.) Getting married is easy! Sundays in Ikea are when it starts getting really tough.

2.) Marriage is like a walk in the park… Jurassic Park.

3.) You were married by a judge — you should have asked for a jury.

4.) Marry someone your own age because as your beauty fades, so will their eyesight.

5.) You two remind me of the classic couples. Romeo and Juliet. Homer and Marge. Gomez and Morticia.

6.) If at first you don’t succeed, try doing it the way your wife told you.

7.) Marry an archaeologist — they older you get, the more interested they become in you.

8.) Now for some advice from me. The secret to my happy marriage is dinner twice a week. My partner goes on Tuesdays and I go on Thursdays.

9.) Gosh, what an emotional day it’s been. Even the cake is in tiers!

10.) Marriage is a sacred bond between two people, and let me be clear… I said “sacred,” not “scared.”

11.) There’s only one way to have a happy marriage… and as soon as I learn it, I’ll get married again.

12.) We’re gathered here today to honor something that is so truly magical, special and wonderful. Of course I am talking about that cake!

13.) Marriage is a wonderful thing entered by two people. One who can’t sleep with the window shut, and the other who can’t sleep with it open.

14.) I don’t get all dressed up for just anyone, but when two people who are so in love tell me to put on my fancy clothes, this is what happens.

Closing lines

15.) I have one final piece of advice for you two lovebirds: never stop laughing, even when the jokes are lame.

16.) And now for my final words of advice, if at first you don’t succeed, try doing it the way (partner’s name) told you to do it.

17.) I’ll end this toast with my best advice — never go to bed mad. Instead, stay up and fight it out.

18.) They say men are from Mars and women are from Venus, but you two are so in love it astounds the entire universe.

19.) Congratulations to you three: (new couple’s names) and the big mound of debt you’ve incurred with this wedding reception.

20.) Remember: In life, there are only two tools anyone really needs in their toolbox — duct tape and WD40. Duct tape keeps things from moving when they shouldn’t, and WD40 gets things moving when they’re stuck.

Funny quotes for wedding toasts

1.) I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. Rita Rudner

2.) Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There’s too much fraternizing with the enemy. Henry Kissinger

3.) Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are. Will Ferrell

4.) The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. Henny Youngman

Quotes about love

5.) Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there. George Burns

6.) True love is singing karaoke ‘Under Pressure’ and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part. Mindy Kaling

7.) All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt. Charles M. Schulz

8.) Love is blind. Marriage is the eye-opener. Pauline Thomason

9.) We are all a little weird, and life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness and call it love. Dr. Seuss

Funny marriage advice quotes

10.) The secret to a good marriage is to be a little deaf. Ruth Bader Ginsburg

11.) Marriage is not just spiritual communion. It is also remembering to take out the trash. Dr. Joyce Brothers

12.) A good marriage is like a casserole: only those responsible for it really know what goes into it. Unknown

13.) To keep your marriage brimming with love in the loving cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up. Ogden Nash

14.) The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it. Anne Bancroft

15.) For marriage to be a success , every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end. Catherine Zeta-Jones

16.) If you’re wrong and you shut up, you’re wise. If you’re right and you shut up, you’re married. Unknown

We hope you’ve enjoyed reading these funny wedding toasts that they provide plenty of laughs to everyone at the reception.

Check out more helpful wedding lists here:

Wedding Blessings & Wishes

Best Wedding Songs

Marriage Quotes

By Greg Johnson | Published 11/21/2023

Greg Johnson is a website editor, writer, and content designer. For over 10 years, he has covered subjects like pop culture, music, sports, history, famous quotes, and kids jokes. He is co-founder and editor of ListCaboodle.

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How to Begin a Wedding Speech: Our Favourite Opening Lines

Handy one-liners to get your speech off to an amazing start.

If you've read our feature on how to make a great wedding speech , you'll know that it's really important to start strong! Well, today, we're showing you how to do exactly that, with a list of the best wedding speech opening lines . The beauty of this list is that it works for any kind of wedding speech, whether you're the bride, groom, best man, bridesmaid, father-of-the-bride, or even the flower girl or the groom's granny! We've made sure to include lots of different options so there's something to suit every style of speech, whether you want to keep it super simple, bring the audience to tears, or wow them with a joke ! Some of our wedding speech opening lines can be customised, too, to help you make your speech even more personal. So, let's dive in!

Our Favourite Wedding Speech Opening Lines

To help you find what you're looking for, we've split our sample opening lines into three categories; simple and sincere opening lines, funny opening lines and opening lines with quotes from famous people.

Note: (name) can indicate yourself, the bride/groom, the couple as a whole, or another member of the wedding party.  

Wedding Speech Opening Lines: Simple and Sincere Opening Lines

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and thank you (name) for the kind introduction."

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. As (name's friend/relative), I'm delighted to welcome you all here tonight."

"Thank you so much, (name), for such a wonderful introduction. I only hope I can live up to your kind words!"

"Hello everyone. I hope you're all having a great night so far."

"Hello, I'm (name) and, for those of you who don't already know me, I'm (relation to couple)."

"Hi everybody, I'm (name), and I'm here to talk a little bit about my good friend (name)."

"Hi everyone, I'm (name), and I'm going to talk a little bit about (name). When I was writing this speech, I asked myself how I could sum up (X) years of friendship, laughter and adventures in one speech, and I decided that I can't. We'd be here all night."

"Hello everybody and welcome. I think we can all agree that it's been a wonderful day so far. (Couple names), you should be really proud of the amazing day you've put together. We're all very lucky to be a part of it."

"Hello everyone. I hope you're all having a great night so far. My life changed completely on (date, year), when (name) came into my life, and it changes again today, as they embark on their latest adventure with (name)."

"Hi everybody. Thank you for the warm welcome. Mark Twain once said that 'there are only two types of speakers in the world. 1. The nervous and 2. Liars.' I'm definitely in the former category, so I hope you'll forgive me if I'm a little bit shaky this evening."

Wedding Speech Opening Lines: Funny Opening Lines to Make Guests LOL

"Hi everyone, I'm (name), and before any of you ask, yes I am single."

"Hi everyone, I'm (name), and I'll be your speaker for the next 95 minutes."

"Hi everybody. If you don't know who I am... well, you're probably at the wrong wedding! But stick around, we need extra people for the conga line."

"Hi everyone. You're probably wondering why I gathered you here today. I've got a once-in-a-lifetime investment opportunity that I know you're going to - sorry, wrong speech!"

"Hello everyone! Thank you all for being here on such an exciting night. Yes, the rumours are true, I will be debuting some new choreography on the dance floor this evening. But in the mean time, I suppose I should talk a little bit about (couple names)."

"Hello, and welcome. You may know me as (name's friend/relative), but tonight, I go by the title, (name), Lord of the Dance."

"Hi everyone. Just in case you don't already know, I'm (name) and I'm the best man. There are some really successful, good-looking, charming men in the room tonight, but now that it's written on the ceremony program in black and white, it's official - I am the best."

"Hi everyone, I'm (name), and I'd like to begin my speech with a quote from the great Seamus Heaney/Maya Angelou/Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr./Mother Teresa... but unfortunately I left my speech in my other jacket. So you'll have to make do with me!"

“Hi everyone. If I could just say a few words … I’d be a better public speaker! That gag was actually stolen from Homer Simpson, which should give you an idea of the caliber of speech you can expect from me tonight.”

"Hi everyone, and welcome. Webster's dictionary describes a wedding as, 'The process of removing weeds from one's garden'. That's a Homer Simpson quote, which should give you an idea of the caliber of speech you can expect from me tonight.”

"Hello everyone, I'm (name.) According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right?"

"Hi everyone. When I was preparing this speech, (name) gave me a list of topics that were strictly off-limits, so I'd like to start with those."

"Hi everyone. I'm (name). Anyone who knows me knows that I'm (name)'s biggest fan. So much so, that I was actually quite hurt when I learned that I wasn't going to be involved in the first dance!"

"Hi everyone. I just want to take a few minutes to talk about my good friend (name). I first met (name) when we were 13, and since then, I've always looked up to him. He was, after all, the only 6ft 2' student at (school name)!"

"Good evening everyone. To our English speakers, I'd like to say welcome, we're delighted that you could be with us today to celebrate the marriage of (couple names). To our (other language) speakers, I'd like to say (use Google Translate or ask a native speaker to translate, 'My llama is very handsome. I hope my translation is correct.')"

Wedding Speech Opening Lines: Beginning with a Quote

"Hi everyone. I'd like to begin my speech with a quote from Dr. James Dobson, who said, 'Don't marry the person you think you can live with; marry only the individual you think you can't live without.' "

"Hi everyone. I'd like to begin my speech with a quote from Franz Schubert, who said, 'Happy is the man who finds a true friend, and far happier is he who finds that true friend in his wife.' "

"Hi everyone. I'd like to begin my speech with a quote from The Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., who said, 'There is no more lovely, friendly, and charming relationship, communion, or company than a good marriage.' "

"Hi everyone. I'd like to begin my speech with a quote from Franklin P. Jones, who said, 'Love doesn't make the world go 'round; love is what makes the ride worthwhile.' "

"Hi everyone, I'm (name.) I hope you're all having a wonderful day so far. When I got married to my partner (name), somebody told me, 'Don't just be husband and wife, be president of each other's fan clubs,' and I'd like to pass on that same advice to (couple)."

"Hello everyone. I'd like to begin with a quote from Mignon McLaughlin, who said, 'A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.' Over the past (x) years, I've had the pleasure of watching (name) fall in love with (name) over and over again."

You've found your opening line - now what? Click over to this feature  for a handy checklist of people to thank in your wedding speech.

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Adam and grace, via one fab day, see more in:.

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110 Inspirational & Funny Wedding Toast Quotes to Make Your Speech a Hit

Rachael Pace inspires with motivational articles on loving partnerships. She encourages making room for love and facing challenges together.

In This Article

As a part of the wedding party, you know it’s your job to plan the bridal shower , show the groom an awesome last night as a bachelor , and give a few words of wisdom.

Everyone loves funny wedding toast quotes, and funny wedding speeches. Excellent wedding toasts have love, romance, and a witty element braided into them. 

What is the purpose of a wedding toast?

Wedding toasts are reserved for the wedding party.

The purpose of a wedding toast is to wish and bless the couple for the new life together. It is a personalised wish meant for the newlyweds. It surely makes the wedding memorable. In the end, the guests raise their glasses and drink for the health, wealth and prosperity. 

What do you say at a wedding toast?

A wedding toast should be personalized and unique. While planning a wedding toast, ensure to follow these steps:

• Congratulate the couple
• Introduce yourself and your relationship with the couple/ bride/ groom
• Tell a story by using examples
• Raise your glass for the toast

Funny wedding toast quotes

The moment you get married, your freedom, sex life, and happiness are over! Or is it? This is the message that most funny wedding jokes have in common. 

If you are looking for best man speech openers or maid of honor speech quotes, consider including some funny marriage quotes. Here are some of the best inspirational and funny wedding toasts examples or funny wedding toasts one liners you can use to make your wedding speech memorable. 

Read our selection of cute and funny wedding toasts or funny lines for maid of honor speech to include in your wedding.

• “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.” – Will Ferrell
• “Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight” – Phyllis Diller
• “It’s no good pretending that any relationship has a future if your record collections disagree violently or if your favorite films wouldn’t even speak to each other if they met at a party” – Nick Hornby
• “All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” – Charles Schulz
• “Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.”– Henry Kissinger
• “The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” – Ann Bancroft
• “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” –George Burns
• “An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her” – Agatha Christie
• “True love is singing karaoke ‘Under Pressure’ and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part.”– Mindy Kaling
• “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” – Rita Rudner
• “Love: a temporary insanity curable by marriage.” – Ambrose Bierce
• “There’s only one way to have a happy marriage , and as soon as I learn what it is, I’ll get married again.” – Clint Eastwood
• “A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.” – Michel de Montaigne
• “Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.” – Johnny Carson
• “May you both live as long as you want, and never want as long as you live.”
• “We are gathered here today to honor something so truly magical, so truly unique and wonderful, that it simply had to be celebrated. I am, of course, talking about the doughnut wall.”

Inspirational wedding quotes

The best funny maid of honor speeches have an element of whimsical and romantic in them. When in search of wedding toast ideas, take a look at some of the inspirational wedding quotes to warm the hearts of the audience. 

 “You don’t need to be on the same wavelength to succeed in marriage. You just need to be able to ride each other’s waves.” —Toni Sciarra Poynter

• “To the world, you may be one person, but to one person, you are the world.” – Bill Wilson
• “Love doesn’t make the world go round; love is what makes the ride worthwhile.” – Elizabeth Barrett Browning
• “Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.” – Antoine de Saint-Exupery
• “True love does not come by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.” – Anonymous
• “But let there be spaces in your togetherness and let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.” – Khalil Gibran
• “Let the wife make the husband glad to come home and let him make her sorry to see him leave.” – Martin Luther
• “Marriage must incessantly contend with a monster that devours everything: familiarity.” – Honore de Balzac
• “It is a full-time job being honest one moment at a time, remembering to love, to honor, to respect. It is a practice, a discipline, worthy of every moment.” – Jasmine Guy
• “Every good relationship, especially marriage, is based on respect . If it’s not based on respect, nothing that appears to be goodwill lasts very long.” – Amy Grant
• “When one finds a worthy wife, her value is far beyond pearls. Her husband entrusting his heart to her has an unfailing prize.” —Proverbs 31:10-11
• “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.” —1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Wedding quotes on love and life

To make a good impression, you need both funny quotes to start a speech and poetic quotes to wrap it up. Consider adding some quotes on love and marriage into the wedding toast.

• “To keep your marriage brimming with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.” —Ogden Nash
• “If it is true that there are as many minds as there are heads, then there are as many kinds of love as there are hearts.” – Leo Tolstoy
• “Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved.” – Barbara Johnson
• “Love is but the discovery of ourselves in others, and the delight in the recognition.” – Alexander Smith
• “Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love grows older, our hearts mature, and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning, and unquenchable.” – Bruce Lee
• “A guy and a girl can be just friends, but at one point or another, they will fall for each other…Maybe temporarily, maybe at the wrong time, maybe too late, or maybe forever.” – Dave Matthews
• “To love is nothing. To be loved is something. But to love and be loved, that’s everything.” – Themis Tolis
• “We are shaped and fashioned by what we love.” – Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
• “I think one reason for a successful marriage is laughter. I think laughter gets you through the rough moments in a marriage.” – Bob Newhart
• “The secret of a happy marriage is finding the right person . You know they’re right if you love to be with them all the time.” – Julia Child
• “ But the key to our marriage is the capacity to give each other a break. And to realize that it’s not how our similarities work together; it’s how our differences work together.” – Michael J. Fox

Good marriage wedding quotes

Funny wedding toast quotes are a great way to start the speech or to end it. Wedding speeches need to be amusing. Also, they need to be motivational and bold. To make an impression include both romantic and funny quotes about marriage.

 “A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.” – Mignon McLaughlin

• “Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.” – Joyce Brothers
• “Marriage is not a ritual or an end. It is a long, intricate, intimate dance together and nothing matters more than your own sense of balance and your choice of partner.” – Amy Bloom
• “To get the full value of joy, you must have someone to divide it with.” – Mark Twain
• “But to sustain a marriage for 50 years, you have to get real a little bit and find someone who is understanding and who you can grow with. My mom always says, ‘Marry the man who loves you a millimeter more.” – Ali Larter
• “It doesn’t matter if the guy is perfect or the girl is perfect, as long as they are perfect for each other.” – Good Will Hunting
• “When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with a person, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.” – When Harry Met Sally
• “Only one is a wanderer. Two together are always going somewhere.” – Vertigo
• “Equal partnerships are not made in heaven—they are made on earth, one choice at a time, one conversation at a time, one threshold crossing at a time.” ~ Bruce C. Hafen
• “Happy is the man who finds a true friend, and far happier is he who finds that true friend in his wife.” – Franz Schubert
• “Marriage, like everything else in the world, is holy or unholy depending on the purpose the mind ascribes to it.” – Marianne Williamson
• “Don’t marry the person you think you can live with; marry only the individual you think you can’t live without.” – James Dobson
• “When a marriage works, nothing on earth can take its place.” – Helen Gahagan
• “Experts on romance say for a happy marriage, there has to be more than a passionate love . For a lasting union, they insist, there must be a genuine liking for each other. Which, in my book, is a good definition of friendship.” – Marilyn Monroe
• “Marriage is a risk; I think it’s a great and glorious risk, as long as you embark on the adventure in the same spirit.” – Cate Blanchett

Funny marriage quotes

Funny wedding speeches are unforgettable and create great wedding memories if done properly and with moderation. Funny wedding toast quotes can make a real splash, so be careful not to let any negativity spill onto the couple’s big day. Consider adding some of the funny wedding speech quotes listed here. 

• “A man is incomplete until he’s married. After that, he’s finished.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor
• “If love means never having to say you’re sorry, then Marriage means always having to say everything twice.” – Estelle Getty
• “Love is blind — marriage is the eye-opener.” – Pauline Thomason
• “A good marriage is like a casserole, only those responsible for it really know what goes in it.” – Anonymous
• “Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” – Phyllis Diller
• “A marriage is always made up of two people who are prepared to swear that only the other one snores.” – Terry Pratchett
• “The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” – Henny Youngman
• “Marriage resembles a pair of shears, so joined that they cannot be separated; often moving in opposite directions, yet always punishing anyone who comes between them.” – Sydney Smith
• “Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.” – George Bernard Shaw
• “Some people ask the secret of our long marriage . We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music, and dancing. She goes Tuesdays; I go Fridays.” – Henny Youngman
• “Before marriage, many couples are very much like people rushing to catch an airplane; once aboard, they turn into passengers. They just sit there.” – J. Paul Getty
• “Every marriage is a mystery to me, even the one I’m in. So I’m no expert on it.” – Hillary Clinton

Check out this hilarious wedding speech by the brother and take some cues:

Witty wedding quotes

Wedding toasts need some witty wedding quotes to be complete. A short wedding toast could make up for funny wedding toasts, but witty wedding quotes make up for a playful and catchy wedding speech. 

 “Always remember to fight with two words, ‘Yes Dear.’” – Anonymous

• “People are weird. When we find someone with weirdness that is compatible with ours, we team up and call it love.” – Dr. Seuss
• “Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” – Rita Rudner
• “Love is a present, so open it happily.” – Sepatu Usang
• “A good husband makes a good wife.” – John Florio
• “Whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.” – Ogden Nash
• “If you would be loved, love, and be lovable.” – Benjamin Franklin
• “Any fool can have a trophy wife. It takes a real man to have a trophy marriage.” – Allan K. Chalmers
• “By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.” – Socrates
• “I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her own way. And second, let her have it.” – Lyndon B. Johnson
• “Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them.” – Ogden Nash
• “Husbands are like fires – they go out when they’re left unattended.” – Cher
• “An ideal wife is any woman who has an ideal husband.” – Booth Tarkington
• “Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” – H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
• “Marriage – a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the remaining chapters in prose.” – Beverley Nichols
• “Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.” —Mickey Rooney

Wedding toast about happiness

To conclude your search for wedding speech quotes, we have selected a list of wedding toast quotes about happiness. Funny wedding toast quotes accompanied by some awesome wedding toasts on happiness will undoubtedly fortify your position as the best man or maid of honor. 

• “Marriage is the most natural state of man and the state in which you will find solid happiness.” – Benjamin Franklin
• “Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.” – Robert A. Heinlein
• “Marriage is the highest state of friendship. If happy, it lessens our care by dividing them, at the same time that it doubles our pleasures by mutual participation.” – Samuel Richardson
• “The secret to a happy marriage is if you can be at peace with someone within four walls, if you are content because the one you love is near to you, either upstairs or downstairs, or in the same room, and you feel that warmth that you don’t find very often, then that is what love is all about.” – Bruce Forsyth
• “Love one another, and you will be happy; it is as simple and as difficult as that.” – Michael Leunig
• “There is only one happiness in life – to love and be loved.” – George Sand
• “Happiness is only real when shared.” – Jon Krakauer
• “They say a person needs just three things to be truly happy in this world: someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for.” – Tom Bodett
• “There is no greater happiness for a man than approaching a door at the end of a day, knowing someone on the other side of that door is waiting for the sound of his footsteps.” – Ronald Reagan
• “Love is the master key that opens the gates of happiness, of hatred, of jealousy, and, most easily of all, the gate of fear.” – Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.

Wedding toasts with blessings

You care about the bride and groom and wish them well. However, you might be puzzled about how to put those good sentiments into your wedding toast. Take a look at these wedding toast quotes with classical blessings, and we are sure you will find something useful. 

• “May your love be like the misty rain, gentle coming in but flooding the river.” – Traditional African Blessing
• “May the road rise up to meet you, May the wind be always at your back, The sunshine warm upon your face, The rain fall soft upon your fields, And until we meet again, May God hold you in the hollow of His hand.”– Irish blessing.
• “May their joys be as deep as the ocean, And their misfortunes as light as the foam.” – Armenian Blessing
• “Let’s drink to love, which is nothing—unless it’s divided by two.” – Irish blessing
• “Try to reason about love, and you will lose your reason.” – French proverb
• “May your love be modern enough to survive the times but old-fashioned enough to last forever.” – Anonymous
• “When love reigns, the impossible may be attained.” – Indian Proverb
• “No road is long with good company.” – Turkish proverb
• “He who treads the path of love walks a thousand meters as if it were only one.” —Japanese proverb
• “A life without love is like a year without summer.” —Lithuanian proverb
• “Do not measure your marriage by how much love you feel today: measure it by how much love you’ve offered today.” – Glennon Doyle Melton
• “Please make sure your glasses are charged and join me in toasting the new Mr and Mrs [NAME]. Ladies and gentlemen, to the bride and groom!”

When looking to make a funny wedding toast, why not incorporate some personal stories about the bride or groom? This is a great way to give the guests a personal insight into the more hilarious aspects of their courtship.

You can leave the anecdotes about crazy ex-boyfriends and girlfriends out of the equation, but feel free to include any adorable or funny moments you have shared or witnessed with the happy couple .

Here are some funny wedding jokes for speech and stories you can use as funny wedding toast quotes.

• “Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web.”
• A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. “Once a week?” A third of the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. “Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?” One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?” The man yells, “Today’s the day!”
• “Did you hear about the two cell phones who got married? The reception was terrific.”
• “It’s been ten years since the invisible man married the invisible woman. Their kids are nothing to look at either.”
• “Don’t be a slow learner! After his husband forgot the wedding anniversary , his wife tells him: ‘You’d better have something in front of the house, tomorrow, which goes from 0 to 100 in 4 seconds.’ The next day, she finds on the road, a bathroom scale.”
• “Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.”
• “Marriage is like the army. Everyone complains, but you’d be surprised at the large number that re-enlists.”
• My sister Tina was telling her husband, Kay, about a wonderful program she had watched on TV. The show gave a national award to heroic people who put themselves in grave danger to help out someone they hardly knew. Kay replied, “That sounds a lot like getting married.”
• “Do you know why the King of Hearts married the Queen of Hearts? They were perfectly suited to each other.”

Wrapping it up

You want wedding toasts jokes or wedding toasts to be memorable, flattering, or funny toasts for weddings to make the bride or groom laugh, use these funny wedding toast quotes to add life to your speech, but don’t forget this is a celebration of two people coming together in love, so avoid using any quotes, jokes, or stories that will embarrass or disparage the happy couple. 

Remember, funny wedding toast quotes are only a part of the speech, and they have to be introduced with zest and taste. 

Have a look at the video given below to get an idea of how can you deliver a hilarious wedding speech.

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Rachael Pace is a noted relationship writer associated with Marriage.com. She provides inspiration, support, and empowerment in the form of motivational articles and essays. Rachael enjoys studying the evolution of loving partnerships Read more and is passionate about writing on them. She believes that everyone should make room for love in their lives and encourages couples to work on overcoming their challenges together. Read less

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In This Article

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Funny Wedding Ceremony Script Samples For Perfect Ceremony

kreativwedding via Instagram

A funny wedding ceremony script can turn your day into one that is so unforgettable. Yet the problem lies in creating the perfect funny wedding script without resorting to dark humor. The regular traditional and religious wedding script has a skeleton that serves as guidelines. But for the funny script, it gets creative from the wedding officiant speech, and down to close. So, for your simple wedding ceremony of all types, see below funny wedding script ideas.

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Is it common to include humor in a wedding ceremony script?

Absolutely! The Paris Celebrants recomends, “For our fun-loving couples seeking a more light-hearted touch, infusing humor into the ceremony script adds a delightful and personal element. This lighthearted approach is a charming way to celebrate love with laughter, creating memorable moments that resonate with the couple’s playful spirit. Whether it’s humorous anecdotes, witty or clever remarks woven into the script, the aim is to craft a ceremony that reflects the couple’s unique sense of joy and camaraderie. It’s a wonderful opportunity to blend the sincerity of the occasion with a touch of levity, creating an unforgettable and joy-filled experience for everyone involved.”

Funny Marriage Ceremony Script For Traditional Wedding

“ Officiant: Everyone please sit. First, I’d like to begin by welcoming everyone and thanking every one of you for being here on this happiest of days. It’s no accident that each of you is here today, and each of you was invited to be here because you represent someone important in the individual and collective lives of NAME and NAME. I truly can’t think of a better venue than _________ [“paradise” for a destination wedding, “this beautiful church” for a more religious affair, etc.] for an occasion that I know is not only monumental for the wedded couple to be but for all of us who are lucky to know and love them as individuals; but even more so as a perfect pairing.

The most remarkable moment in life is when you meet the person who makes you feel complete. The person who makes the world a beautiful and magical place. The person with whom you share a bond so special that it transcends normal relationships and becomes something so pure and so wonderful, that you can’t imagine spending another day of your life without them. For NAME, that happened about 20 years ago when s/he met me and we became best friends [add some humor if your officiant is a friend]. But about X years ago s/he met NAME, who is pretty wonderful, too. I know how deeply these two care for and love one another, and I feel privileged to be here today among all of you as a witness of their commitment to a lifetime of love for one another.

I think I’ve had the good fortune to meet most of you here today at some point or another, but for those of you whom I haven’t met, my name is [short biographical info about how the officiant knows the couple].”

The Love Story

“ Officiant: Now, NAME and NAME have asked that I keep this speech short, classy, and family-friendly, and politely asked me to leave out stories that are unflattering to either of them. So I’ve had to redline stories about previous flings…drugs or alcohol…encounters with the police…but I do feel comfortable saying, “I told you so.” This is exactly what I said when I learned that NAME and NAME’s relationship was becoming truly serious.

As a third-party spectator to their developing love, it was extremely clear that the two of them represent a perfect pairing because each of them complements the other so well. They balance one another, and while each of them is a tremendous individual on their own, together they are even better. And being better together, as a team, a unit, and partners in crime, is what has been many years in the making and ultimately leads us to be here today, witnessing their commitment to one another in front of those they love most.

I wish I could tell you a single story about NAME and NAME that summarizes their relationship and how they enrich each other’s lives, and the lives of each of us, but the truth is there isn’t one single event that is a good encapsulation of what they mean to me, to each other and all of us. But what I do know is that both of them care deeply and passionately for each other; they protect each other; they make each other laugh and think outside themselves; that time magically seems to both fly and slow down when they’re together. They help each other in ways that are obvious and unnoticed but always appreciated.

I also know that it’s not just anyone with whom you can have communication with simply a look, or remember the weirdest names of each other’s lift drivers, or surprise each other with reservations at a restaurant you’ve been eyeing for years, or say “I’m sorry” every time it’s warranted (…eventually). They do that for and with each other.

But it’s also my personal experiences with NAME and NAME that highlight the quality of their love. It doesn’t matter if I’m with them in person, or simply in a bizarre group text with them—when I’m engaging with NAME and NAME, I am always enjoying myself. And I am certain that that’s part of what makes them so special to each of us: how happy and contented we feel when we are with them. And what I wish for them on their wedding day is that their life together as a team is one of complete contentment; full of those moments that they wish would never end, and that they continue to make one another smile and laugh as they make each of us do.”

“Dearly beloved and honored guests: We are gathered together here to join NAME and NAME in the union of marriage. This contract is not to be entered into lightly, but thoughtfully and seriously, and with a deep realization of its obligations and responsibilities. The grooms/brides/bride and groom have each prepared vows that they will read now.”

[Exchanging of vows]

“ Officiant: And now: NAME, do you take NAME to be your husband/wife? Do you promise to love, honor, cherish, and protect him/her, forsaking all others, and holding only unto him/her forevermore? [“I do.”] And NAME, do you take NAME to be your husband/wife? Do you promise to love, honor, cherish, and protect him/her, forsaking all others, and holding only unto him/her forevermore? [“I do.”] “

“ Officiant: NAME and NAME will now exchange rings as a symbol of love and commitment to each other. Rings are a precious metal; they are also made precious by you wearing them. Your wedding rings are special; they enhance who you are. They mark the beginning of your long journey together. Your wedding ring is a circle—a symbol of love never-ending. It is the seal of the vows you have just taken to love each other without end. NAME, please place the ring on NAME’s left hand and repeat after me:

As a sign of my love

That I have chosen you

Above all else

With this ring, I thee wed.

And NAME, please place the ring on NAME’s left hand and repeat after me:

With this ring, I thee wed.”

The Good Wishes

“ Officiant: To make your relationship work will take love. Continue to date each other. Take time to show each other that your love and marriage grow stronger with time. It will take trust to know that in your hearts, you truly want what is best for each other. It will take dedication to stay open to one another—and to learn and grow together. It will take loyalty to go forward together, without knowing exactly what the future brings. And it will take commitment to hold true to the journey you have both pledged today.”

The Declaration of Marriage / The Kiss

“ Officiant: And now by the power vested in me by _______________, it is my honor and delight to declare you married. Go forth and live each day to the fullest. You may seal this declaration with a kiss. I am so pleased to present the newlyweds, NAMES.”

The twist to a traditional wedding ceremony script is the infusion of humor that’s decent and relatable. The traditional wedding ceremony script template is well maintained. But also laced with decent humor. Such a comedic wedding ceremony script calms the nerves of guests and lightens the atmosphere. This is a wedding ceremony script that has been for ages, but with a twist. You could make the vows or ring exchange wording funny.

Wedding Ceremony Script For A Non-Religious Ceremony

“We are gathered here today to celebrate one of life’s greatest moments, the joining of two hearts. In this ceremony today we will witness the joining GROOM/BRIDE and GROOM/BRIDE in marriage. Today we have come together to witness the joining of these two lives. For them, out of the routine of ordinary life, the extraordinary has happened. They met each other, fell in love, and are finalizing it with their wedding today. Romance is fun, but true love is something far more and it is their desire to love each other for life and that is what we are celebrating here today. But today is also a celebration for the rest of us, for it is a pleasure for us to see the love in bloom, and to participate in the union of two people so delightfully suited to one another. And to have a couple of cocktails in the process. So let’s get on with it already!”

Words of Wisdom

“A good marriage must be created. In marriage, the “little” things are the big things. It is never being too old to hold hands. It is remembering to say, “I love you” at least once a day. It is never going to sleep angry. It is standing together and facing the world. It is speaking words of appreciation and demonstrating gratitude in thoughtful ways. It is having the capacity to forgive and forget. It is giving each other an atmosphere in which each can grow. It is a common search for the good and the beautiful. It is not only marrying the right person — it is being the right partner”

“Face each other and hold hands (repeat after me) I, GROOM/BRIDE take you GROOM/BRIDE to be my husband/wife, my partner in life and my one true love. I will cherish our friendship and love you today, tomorrow, and forever. I will trust you and honor you I will laugh with you and cry with you. I will love you faithfully Through the best and the worst, Through the difficult and the easy. Whatever may come I will always be there. As I have given you my hand to hold So I give you my life to keep

GROOM/BRIDE AND GROOM/BRIDE I would ask that you always treat yourself and each other with respect, and remind yourselves often of what brought you together today.

Give the highest priority to the tenderness, gentleness, and kindness that your marriage deserves. When frustration and difficulty assail your marriage – as they do to every relationship at one time or another – focus on what still seems right between you, not only the part that seems wrong. This way, when clouds of trouble hide the sun in your lives and you lose sight of it for a moment, you can remember that the sun is still there. And if each of you will take responsibility for the quality of your life together, it will be marked by abundance and happiness.”

I Do’s

“GROOM/BRIDE do you take GROOM/BRIDE to be your awful wedded Husband/Wife? (“I do”) Do you promise to love, honor, cherish and protect him/her, and be faithful to him/her? (“I do”) Do you promise to take out the trash and pick up your clothes off the floor? (“I do”) And do you promise to love him/her even when he/she is cranky (“I do”)

GROOM/BRIDE do you take GROOM/BRIDE to be your awful wedded Husband/Wife? (“I do”) Do you promise to love, honor, cherish and protect him/her, and be faithful to him/her? (“I do”) Do you promise not to whine at him/her when he/she forgets to take out the trash or pick up his clothes from the floor? (“I do”) And do you promise to love him/her after he/she has been out all night with the boys/girls? (“I do”)”

Ring Exchange (who has the rings) (repeat after me)

“There are 3 rings of marriage. The wedding ring, The Engagement ring, and the suffering. We hope the latter can be held to a minimum. I GROOM/BRIDE, take thee, GROOM/BRIDE to be my Husband/Wife, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, in joy and sorrow, and I promise My love to you. And with this ring, I take you as my Husband/Wife, for as long as we both shall live.”

Closing Comments

“To make your relationship work will take love. This is the core of your marriage and why you are here today. It will take trust, to know, that in your hearts, you truly want what is best for each other. It will take dedication, to stay open to one another – and to learn and grow together. It will take faith, to go forward together, without knowing exactly what the future brings. And it will take commitment, to hold true to the journey you both have pledged to today. By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you . . . . . .”

“You may kiss your HUSBAND/WIFE. I would like to introduce the happy couple.”

A humorous wedding ceremony script that’s non-tradition gives you the opportunity to show your personality. The humor goes as far as you can take it because the script becomes flexible. This type of script suits the secular, civil, and agnostic wedding, because there’s no mention of culture, spirituality, or supreme beings. A wedding script non-religious funny type is formal yet humorous. The wedding sermons are traditional without faith mentioned.

Short Funny Wedding Ceremony Script

“Welcome, family, friends, and loved ones. We are gathered here today, surrounded by the beauty of creation and nurtured by the sights and sounds of nature to celebrate the wedding of Daniel and Sara.

You have come here from near and from far away to share in this commitment now they make to one another, to offer your love and support to their union, and to allow Daniel and Sara to start their married life together.

Marriage is a bold step into an unknown future. It is risking who we are for the sake of who we can be. In marriage, two lives are intimately shared; and the blending of the two must not diminish either one. Rather, it should enhance the individuality of each partner.

If the old fairy-tale ending “and they lived happily ever after….” is taken to mean “They felt for the next fifty years exactly as they felt the day before they were married,” then it says what probably never was nor ever would be true, and would be highly undesirable if it were. Who could bear to live in that excitement for even five years? What would become of your work, your appetite, your sleep, and your friendships? But, of course, ceasing to be “in love” need not mean ceasing to love.”

Declaration of intent and vows exchange:

“Daniel and Sara, please join hands, look at one another now and remember this moment in time.

Officiant: Groom, do you take Bride to be your wife? I do. Do you promise to take out the trash and pick up your clothes off the floor? I do.

Officiant: Bride, do you take Groom to be your husband? I do. Do you promise to love her even when she is cranky? I do.

Officiant: Daniel, please take Sara’s hand and repeat after me.

Sara, I take you as you are/ loving who you are / I promise from this day forward/ To fill our lives with adventure and our home with laughter/ To inspire you to grow as an individual / To love you completely/ I will laugh with you and cry with you.

Officiant: Sara, please take Daniel’s hand and repeat after me.

Daniel, I take you as you are/ loving who you are / I promise from this day forward/ To fill our lives with adventure and our home with laughter/ To inspire you to grow as an individual / To love you completely/ I will laugh with you and cry with you.”

Giving of rings

“Officiant: Please present the rings

There are 3 rings of marriage. The wedding ring, The Engagement ring, and the suffering. We hope the latter can be held to a minimum.

Daniel, as you place this ring on Bride‘s finger, repeat these words after me:

This ring symbolizes my love for you/ and the commitments we made today

Sara, as you place this ring on Groom‘s finger, repeat these words after me:

This ring symbolizes my love for you/ and the commitments we made today.”

Conclusion & Pronouncement

“Daniel and Sara, you have come here today of your own free will and in the presence of family and friends, have declared your love and commitment to each other. You have given and received a ring as a symbol of your promises. By the power of your love and commitment to each other, and by the power vested in me, I now pronounce you husband and wife.

You may now share your first kiss as husband and wife.

Congratulations. Friends and family, I now present to you the newly married couple. Let’s hear it for ‘em!”

With all the readings, sayings, and vows, wedding ceremonies can quickly get too formal and emotional with a tense environment. Guests get bored and begin to zone out or do other things that take their attention off the ceremony happening. So if you want to get their attention, you need a short funny wedding ceremony script.

One that is brief and straight to the point, yet humorous enough that it will keep the guests laughing and attentive. Regardless of your wedding style, a little humor works. Humor sits best within your officiant address, wedding readings, your vows, and presentation of the couple.

Funny Casual Wedding Ceremony Script

“Welcome everyone to this joyous occasion, where two people who are absolutely crazy about each other have decided to take the leap into marriage. Today, we’re going to witness the union of [Bride] and [Groom], who have chosen to combine their lives, their hearts, and their Netflix accounts.

[Bride] and [Groom], do you take each other to be your lawfully wedded partner in crime? Do you promise to love, honor, and cherish each other, even when [Groom] forgets to take out the trash or [Bride] leaves the toilet seat up?

[Pause for response]

Now, before we get to the exchanging of rings, I’d like to take a moment to acknowledge the important role that smartphones have played in [Bride] and [Groom]’s relationship. From their first awkward text messages to their endless stream of funny memes, their phones have been a constant source of entertainment and connection. So, I’d like to invite everyone to take out their phones right now and snap a photo of the happy couple.

Okay, let’s move on to the exchanging of rings. [Bride], please place the ring on [Groom]’s finger and repeat after me: “I give you this ring as a symbol of my love and commitment, I will always be there for you.

[Groom], please place the ring on [Bride]’s finger and repeat after me: “I give you this ring as a symbol of my love and commitment, I will always be there for you.

And now, by the power vested in me by the Internet and this awesome couple’s love for each other, I pronounce you husband and wife! You may now kiss each other, but please don’t get too carried away, we still have cake to eat.

[Everyone cheers and the newlyweds kiss]

Congratulations to [Bride] and [Groom], may your love continue to grow stronger with each passing day, and may your Netflix queue never run out of new shows to watch together.”

Looking for a casual and lighthearted wedding ceremony script? Here are a few things to keep in mind. Consider the tone you want to set for your wedding. If you’re going for a more laid-back and relaxed vibe, a casual wedding ceremony script can help create that atmosphere.

When choosing a wedding ceremony script, look for one that reflects your personality and relationship. If you’re a fun-loving couple who enjoys making each other laugh, a funny ceremony script can be a great way to showcase that. A good wedding ceremony script should strike a balance between humor and sentimentality.

Simple Funny Wedding Ceremony Script

“Welcome everyone to the wedding of [Bride] and [Groom]! We’re gathered here today to celebrate the union of these two wonderful people who have decided to join their lives together in the bonds of holy matrimony… or at least until they get sick of each other’s bad puns.

[Bride] and [Groom], do you promise to love and cherish each other, even when one of you forgets to do the dishes or leaves the toilet seat up? Do you promise to always support each other’s dreams, even if those dreams involve becoming a professional cheese sculptor? And do you promise to never stop laughing together, even when life gets tough?

Now, let’s move on to the exchanging of rings. [Bride], please place the ring on [Groom]’s finger and repeat after me: “I give you this ring as a symbol of my love and commitment, and as a reminder that I’m still willing to put up with your dad jokes.

[Groom], please place the ring on [Bride]’s finger and repeat after me: “I give you this ring as a symbol of my love and commitment, and as a reminder that I promise to always bring you coffee in bed.”

And now, by the power vested in me by… well, my ability to read this script, I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now seal your marriage with a kiss, but please try to keep it PG-13, we don’t want to scare the children.

Congratulations to [Bride] and [Groom], may your love be as strong and resilient as your ability to survive each other’s cooking.”

To create a fun and memorable wedding ceremony, choose a simple and funny script that’s light, personal, and appropriate for your audience. Practice with your officiant to ensure it flows smoothly. Enjoy your special day celebrating love!

Best Wedding Officiant Speech

“Welcome everyone!

On this beautiful day, _______ and _______ have brought us together to celebrate their love and union in matrimony. Thank you all for joining us and being a part of their love story. _______ and _______ also wanted to thank _______ and _______, who are sitting in the front row, for blessing this union and always being an example of unconditional, pure love.

After years of nurturing a beautiful, strong relationship, it’s great to see these two tying the knot and taking the next step towards building a family. If you’ve had the fortune that I have, you have witnessed _______ and _______ meet, from a rom-com worthy friendship to falling deeply in love.

I remember the day _______ told me about their first date. There was a light in her eyes that I’d never seen before. She was excited and nervous. She worried that ______ didn’t feel the same connection she felt. Little did she know that _______ was already calling her “the one?”

It warms my heart to see the way _______ looks at _______. He looks at her as if she’s the last and only woman on Earth, and to him, I know she is. I’ve seen these two be there for each other through life’s unexpected twists and turns, only growing closer and stronger from each setback. I’ve seen them share laughs, collect a library of inside jokes, and most shocking of all, I’ve seen _______ share her desserts with _______, which is when I knew this was serious.

Marriage isn’t easy but I trust these two. I have trust in their love, their friendship, and their commitment to one another. I know they’ll be there for each other, I know they’ll be loyal, and I know they’ll spend the rest of their lives growing and learning from one another. With that, I think it’s time to let them speak about their love.”

A funny wedding officiant speech combines funny wedding sermons for laughs. This is one of the best funny wedding officiant speech ideas.

Ring Exchange Wording Funny Samples

• “I give you this ring as a visible and constant symbol of my promise to be with you. And in your face for as long as I live.”
• “I give you this ring as a symbol of my love for you. Let it be a reminder that I am always by your side, sharing your stuff. And that I will always be a faithful partner to you.”
• “(Name), I give you this ring as a symbol of my love. As it encircles your finger, may it remind you always that you are surrounded by my enduring love. And you’re stuck with me forever.”

Funny Wedding Ceremony Vows

• “I, take you (insert fiancé’s name), to be my (wife/husband), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, for even poorer when I’ve been shopping, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.”
• “In front of our friends and family gathered here, I promise to love and cherish you in good times and in bad. I promise to put down the toilet seat – and to replace the toilet roll when it’s over and to never, ever, ever forget our wedding anniversary or your birthday.”
• “I promise to love you as much as I do our dog. From this day forward, I will lint roll the chairs whenever your parents visit. I will love you in sickness and in health, as long as you take care of the vet visits. I promise to cuddle you as much as I do (pet’s name) and pick up treats for you whenever he gets some too.”

When you personalize your wedding ceremony vows, they become evergreen. Feel free to use our samples above. It’s a nice idea to make your ring exchange wording funny. This portrays heart and humor at for the wedding ceremony .

How to Incorporate Humor into the Ceremony Script

josie_lee via Instagram

When incorporating humor into the ceremony script, it is crucial to strike a careful balance. Tailor the humor to align with the couple’s personalities, preferences, and cultural context, while also considering the comfort and enjoyment of the couple, guests, and officiant. Ensure that the humor enhances the celebratory atmosphere without overshadowing the significance of the occasion.

• Welcoming and Engaging the Guests with a Lighthearted Opening : – Start the ceremony with a warm and humorous welcome to set a lighthearted tone. – Incorporate funny remarks or anecdotes about the couple or the wedding day itself to engage the guests from the start.
• Personalizing the Love Story: – Share funny and endearing stories about the couple’s journey together. – Highlight humorous moments or inside jokes that showcase their unique relationship and personalities.
• Including Humorous Vows or Promises to Each Other: – Infuse the vows or promises with light-hearted humor, incorporating funny promises or playful banter between the couple. – Use comedic timing and delivery to make the vows memorable and enjoyable for both the couple and the guests.
• Encouraging Laughter and Interaction During the Ring Exchange: – Add a humorous comment or playful gesture during the ring exchange to lighten the mood and create moments of laughter. – Encourage the couple and guests to share in the joy and celebrate the special moment with humor.
• Including a Comedic Interlude or Performance: – Incorporate a comedic interlude or performance, such as a fun reading, a humorous poem, or a lighthearted musical performance, to provide a moment of comedic relief and entertainment. – Ensure the comedic interlude aligns with the overall theme and atmosphere of the wedding ceremony.

Couples are stepping out of the box and making their wedding scripts modern. They incorporate a funny wedding script into religious, non-religious, and even traditional scripts. Preparing the best wedding officiant speech, vows, and ring wordings are not left out. Make your wedding stay in the memories of guests by adding some humor. Take a cue from our script samples above and shine on your day.

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Write A Funny Wedding Speech

• Best Man , Bride , Father of the Bride , Father of the Groom , Gay Groom , Groom , Lesbian Bride , Maid of Honour , Mother of the Bride , Mother of the Groom
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(*Of course, if you’re looking for more than ‘advice’, check out all the different ways the Speechy team can help you write & deliver a great speech. Or check out our new AI-powered team member, SpeechyAI .)

The definition of a joke is ‘ a thing that someone says to cause amusement or laughter. ’

This means your jokes shouldn’t make your guests groan. Guests don’t want to hear internet gags and the newly hitched deserve more than wedding clichés.

Avoid anything like … ‘Wales is an unusual honeymoon destination but (groom) insisted he was going to Bangor for a fortnight.

Cringe. 1994 wants its jokes back.

Check out   Hitched’s ‘Tried & Test Jokes for Best Men’   for more lines to AVOID.  Generic wedding fodder shows you’re desperate.

A rule we stick to is, if you can cut and paste a joke into a speech about someone else, then you’ve got it wrong.

Humour should be unique, honest and insightful, not just some wedding-related pun. At no point hold up a slice of toast.

The Golden Rule of Comedy

‘ It’s funny because it’s true ‘, so said Homer Simpson and probably some clever people we’re less familiar with.

Creating a memorable speech means thinking about the ready-made characters  at the Top Table. People will laugh if you identify something that they’ve noticed (even subliminally) but never thought to articulate …The groom’s oddly disproportionate T-rex arms, the bride’s continuing devotion to UGGS, the newlywed’s mutual mannerisms (they both say OMG without any shame).

Pinpointing what makes the newlyweds unique (i.e. slightly odd) is key to making your wedding speech a proper tribute to them.  It shows you actually care if you focus your humour on their true personalities (and not just caricatures of a bride or groom).

Do NOT make the mistake of talking about how much the bride loves shopping (unless she genuinely out-spends the Kardashians) or how terrible the groom is at opening his wallet  (unless he actually comes out without one). This is clichéd-comedy at its worst. It’s not funny and it’s not fit for a modern wedding speech.

These rules apply whatever your role – best man to bride.

Step By Step Guide

Step 1. Find A Focus

Whatever role you have – groom, father of the bride, best mate – you have to find a comedy focus.

The groom’s target could be himself, his bride or he could set up the notion of a traditional double act (straight bride vs daft husband).

A father of the bride might choose his ‘drama queen daughter’, the ‘hard-done father’ or the ‘dubious groom’ as the focus of his humour. You get the idea.

Some people reckon the bride should never be the comedic focus. They seem to think that as soon as a woman puts on a white dress she can only be told she’s beautiful & wonderful; a Beyonce / Mother Teresa hybrid.

We don’t agree. Just because a woman’s wearing her best knickers and has a ring on her finger doesn’t mean she’s lost her sense of humour.

The key is to keep the humour affectionate and loving. Of course, you should have a proper heartfelt tribute towards the end of your speech but feel free to have a laugh along the way.

Step 2. Ask Lots of Questions

The first thing we do when working with clients is ask them lots of questions. We ask the obvious ones (who’s marrying who and why) but we also ask some random ones too.

With grooms, we might ask ‘What annoys you most about your bride-to-be’. It doesn’t sound like appropriate material to put in a wedding speech but actually, it’s those sorts of questions that often lead to great nuggets of content for us.

So, grab a bottle of (insert alcoholic beverage of choice) and have a brainstorm. Write down everything that comes to mind when you think about the person you’re going to be talking about. The food they love. The tunes they like. Their claims to fame. Their questionable dress sense…  Think about their standout qualities & the characteristics that define them. Is it their obsession with the gym, their bossiness, or their lack of hair?

Step 3. Get help if you need

Ask mates round. Ask relatives. Ask the bride if you’re the best man and she’s not giving a speech herself.

You need to load up your arsenal of humour before you can hope to fire out any cracking gags. There are loads of ways of finding a laugh, here’s some techniques to test out…

• Turn your target into a comedy character –  Think about the classic sitcom characters – Basil Fawlty (the hotel owner who didn’t like tourists), Doc Martin (the doctor who was scared of blood), Del Boy (the hapless businessman). Exaggerate your target’s qualities and push their weaknesses to the extreme.
• Play with contrasts – is the bride obsessively tidy while the groom can’t change the hoover bag? Does the bride balk at Primark prices and the groom spends like a Kardashian? Couple contrasts always generates good material.
• Tell us something we don’t know – Do you know a secret about the bride or the groom? Nothing downright embarrassing but if the bride used to fancy Ed Milliband or the groom won a Butlins Talent Contest as a teenager (his twerking  was genuinely amazing) then now might be the time to mention it.
• Exaggerate – if the bride or groom have a reputation for something, then have a laugh with it. Is the groom pretty rubbish at golf? Fair to say then that ‘the only hole in one he’ll get is in his Primark boxers’ . If the bride loves her spinning class you could say ‘her legs have done more rotations than the best man’s head when the bridesmaids walked in’ . You get the idea.
• Be the butt of the joke – Yes even if you have another comedy target, make sure you laugh at yourself too. People like you more if you do.

Step 4. Grab Your Quote Love, You’ve Pulled

Plagiarism isn’t allowed but quoting witty people is. Not only are you legitimately allowed to steal their laughs, but you also end up looking rather well read.

We’ve curated the best wedding quotes to use (i.e. the ones that aren’t too obviously ‘wedding-y’) so tuck in for inspiration…

• Groom speech  
• Best man speech  
• Father of the bride speech 
• Bride speech 
• Mother of the bride speech  
• Maid of honour speech 

Don’t say we’re not blooming good to you.

Step 5. Pace Your Laughs

People relax once you’ve made them laugh so try to script a funny line within the first 20 seconds.

A good opener is something like ‘ Can you believe it? (The Bride) has finally given up holding out for Ryan Gosling and decided a kebab-munching, golf-obsessed Project Manager from Basingstoke is a better option instead .’ Simple, but bespoke.

Of course, the opening is just the first hurdle. Your speech needs to be peppered with humour throughout. Even the ‘thank yous’ should raise a smile so make sure you script more than just the usual platitudes about your in-laws ‘passing down such wonderful traits to their daughter’. Yawn.

Keep your content pacey and your jokes short. If it’s impossible to sub down a lengthy anecdote then leave it for the bar later.

Funny Wedding Speech Do’s & Don’ts

• Ask friends and family for stories – It’s not cheating, it’s research  
• Start writing early – ideas will keep popping in your head once you get going
• Cut your first draft in half – having three average jokes does not add up to one big laugh
• Read it out loud – you’ll work out your pacing and hear what works and what doesn’t
• Get advice – Read it to a trusted mate. If you have to explain a joke it ain’t working
• Use a Speechy Template   – Unlike other speech templates on the market, this ones helps you create original humour based on the people you know! Specific templates for dads, brides, grooms, besties – whoever wants to grab that mic!

DON’T

• Feel you need to include every random funny anecdote in the speech – some just won’t add to the overall story you’re telling
• Resort to Googling jokes   – if you found that quip then others will have seen it too
• Be rude, overly embarrassing or go further than innuendo – never appropriate even if you know the ‘rugby boys’ would love it
• Include ‘in jokes’ – your humour needs to be inclusive
• Forget to leave room for the laughs on the day – don’t spend months worrying about the speech and then swallow up the laughter by delivering your speech too quickly
• Drink too much before you deliver your speech – sadly ‘Dutch courage’ is a myth. Alcohol increases nerves so don’t go overboard too early.

The Speechwriting Experts

The Speechy team  are TV-trained scriptwriters/comedians by trade & we’ve helped 1,000s of speakers around the world deliver their dream speech.

Our advice has been quoted everywhere from  The New York Times  to  Grazia  and from Forbes to The Observer . Our founder has also featured on the  BBC Sounds’ Best Men podcast with Jason Manford and written ‘ The Modern Couple’s Guide to Wedding Speeches’ , published by Little, Brown.

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30 Brilliant Opening Lines for Your Best Mans Speech

Author: Hollie Bond

NB: To help you browse our best suggestions we have included some third party links. Some purchases made through these links may earn us a commission to help keep our blogs and offers current and up to date. Thanks for your support!

Looking for the perfect best man speech opening lines to delight wedding guests? We’ve rounded up 30 of the funniest opening lines for every style of best man speech here.

Staring at a blank piece of paper with no idea of how to start your best man speech ? It’s a situation that pretty much every best man before you has been in before, so you’re certainly not alone. The beginning of a speech is always the hardest bit to get right, but once you’ve nailed that first sentence and won over the wedding guests it’s all plain sailing from there.

It’s important to spend some time and effort thinking about your audience, the happy couple, and the sort of icebreaker that will work best for them and you. Remember to play to your strengths. If you’re not a natural comedian then steer clear of too many best man speech jokes and opt for something charming, self-deprecating, or heartfelt instead.

Whatever type of best man wedding speech you’re hoping to deliver for your best friend, there’s an icebreaker to suit. We’ve compiled 30 of our favorites below that work at all types of weddings. Choose one of these best man speech openers to get your speech started in style and then read our ultimate guide to writing a best man speech to ensure the rest of your speech is as brilliant as that opening sentence.

Best Man Speech Openers

1. Ladies and gentlemen, before I start just some quick housekeeping. Firstly, if you’ve got your mobile phone on you please make sure to keep it switched ON during the speech, for your own entertainment. Secondly, if you see any good jokes in your scrolling, be sure to forward them on to me.

2. I’d like to offer a toast to the bride and groom [*Pull a piece of toast out your pocket and give it to them*]

3. Hi everyone, I’m (your name). I’m here to tell you about (groom’s name) and how truly special, talented, good looking and… sorry mate, I’m struggling to read your handwriting here.

4. I’d like to start by congratulating the groom on his excellent taste in best men. He’s really outdone himself this time.

5. The bride and groom have asked that I don’t share any embarrassing stories, stag do pranks or crude jokes in my best man’s speech… so that’s it from me! Thanks for listening.

6. A wedding is such an emotional day for everyone. Even the cake is in tiers.

7. For those of you who can’t hear me at the back, you should be reassured by the complete silence in the front row here that you’re really not missing much.

8. To start this speech, I searched online for ‘the perfect best man speech’, but you had to pay to read the examples and I didn’t think it was worth it, so I’m just going to wing it.

9. If there’s anyone here this afternoon who’s feeling nervous and queasy at the thought of what lies ahead, it’s probably because you’ve just married (groom’s name).

10. All those among you who really know the bride will know that she is a wonderful person who deserves a good husband. Thank god (groom’s name) married her before she found one.

11. Loyal, caring, sincere, honest, good looking, and a great man. But enough about me…!

12. Those of you that know me, know that I’m not big on making speeches [*sit down*]

13. My only wish for the bride and groom is that each day of their marriage is better than the previous so that they can look back on today, their wedding day, and say that it was the worst day of their lives.

14. (Groom’s name) knows his wife so well. When I asked him what her favourite flower was, he replied “self-raising”.

15. Good evening. I’m so happy to preside over the only five minutes that the bride didn’t plan. Of course, I’m only joking. She went over the speech with me half an hour ago in the bar.

16. I just heard there was a competitive sweepstake on how long the best man speech should last. I put my money on 45 minutes, so make yourselves comfortable…

17. I’ve been told I can’t get away with a few thank yous and a quick toast in this best man speech. Apparently, I’m supposed to sing the groom’s praises and talk about all his good qualities. Unfortunately, I can’t sing and I don’t like lying.

18. You’ve got no idea how much I’ve been looking forward to today. After all the years I’ve been friends with the groom, he has finally admitted that I am in fact the best man.

19. I don’t believe in roasting the groom on his wedding day. Therefore this speech won’t contain anything embarrassing about (groom’s name). Instead I’ll refer only to the kind and funny side of his character. Thank you and goodnight.

20. A best man is similar to a dead body at a funeral. You’re expected to be there, but if you say too much, people start freaking out.

21. A wise man once told me that a best man speech is like a miniskirt. It should be short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover the goods.

22. Ladies and gentlemen before I start the venue owner has asked me to request that, for reasons of health and safety, none of you get up on top of the chairs and tables during my standing ovation.

23. I’ll try to keep my speech short, because every minute I speak is an extra minute’s delay in witnessing how the groom’s dance lessons worked out.

24. (Groom’s name) had the honour of being my best man. He spent months writing a perfect, tender and charming speech. Everyone agreed it was funny and beautiful. Unfortunately I’m a married man, so I haven’t had the time to do all that.

25. I would like to start by saying what a pleasure it is to be best man at (bride and grooms’ names) wedding. (Groom’s name) made me compete for this honour today, but I was able to beat the barman over there in rock-paper-scissors, so here I am!

26. I’ve been worried about giving this speech for a while now. Fortunately last night I slept like a baby. Waking up every two hours and bawling my eyes out.

27. I didn’t really want to do this speech, but I thought it might be the only chance I’ll get to have a meal and some drinks paid for by (groom’s name).

28. I always knew the groom’s speech would be hard to follow. In fact, I couldn’t understand a word of it.

29. Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve now reached the point in the proceedings when we all get to see the groom shift uncomfortably in his seat and grip the tablecloth in nervous anticipation. That’s right, I’ve been asked to give him the drinks bill.

30. I read somewhere that the perfect best man speech should last as long as it takes for the groom to make love. So please could everyone raise a glass to the happy couple!

Now you’ve chosen your opening line you’ll want to include some other best man speech jokes throughout your speech to keep your guests entertained. Read our guide to hilarious best man speech jokes here .

Hollie Bond

Hollie is a lifestyle journalist with over ten years’ experience working in the wedding industry as Lifestyle Editor for You & Your Wedding magazine Also a Regional Editor for Muddy Stilettos, Hollie has written for Square Meal magazine, Family History Monthly, BBC History magazine and Homes & Antiques. In her spare time you can find Hollie in a dance studio practising ballet…

Learn more about Hollie Bond

Ultimate Guide to Writing & Delivering a Great Wedding Speech or Toast

It doesn’t matter whether you’re giving a  bridesmaid speech, best man speech , father of the bride speech or the groom’s wedding speech .

Giving a wedding speech or toast can be nerve-racking. It doesn’t have to be though.  Just follow some basic rules and do some preparation work to ease the stress.

We’re here to help with the logistics and inspire your thoughts as well!

Essential Components Every Speech Needs to Rock – Make Your Speech personal – Add a Touch of Humor (But Not Too Much) – Thank Everyone Who Deserves a Thank-You – Write a Strong Speech Opener & Closer – The Ideal Speech Length – Practice Your Speech Before The Big Day! – A Few Things Not to Include in Your Speech The Groom’s Speech The Father of the Bride Speech The Best Man Speech Maid of Honor Speech What Makes a Great Toast? – Short & Sweet, or Long & Heartfelt? – Great Example Toasts – Toasts to Avoid – More Posts to Help You Create a Great Speech

Looking for a Specific Speech? We’ve Got You Covered

• Groom’s Speech . Examples, guides, and tips.
• Best Man Speech . Helping the best man create an awesome best man speech. Examples included.
• Maid of Honor Speeches . How to come up with a great maid of honor speech. Examples included.
• Father of the Bride Speech . Your daughter’s getting married. Here’s to delivering a heartfelt speech (with examples)

Essential Components: How to Write a Speech That Rocks

Giving a wedding speech is a great honor, but most of us immediately get writer’s block or freak out at the thought of coming up with what to say. Where do you start?

Before you begin your wedding speech or toast preparation, write down some thoughts about the couple’s relationship, how they met, how you know them, their personalities, or general thoughts about marriage. Once you have some of these ideas down on paper you have a framework to work from.

Make Your Speech Personal

How do you know the bride and groom? How do you feel about them? Were you involved when the bride and groom met? Do you know details of the proposal? Do they have cute nicknames for each other? It makes sense for anybody giving a speech to make it personal. Guests are going to appreciate the love and connection that comes from doing that.

Add A Touch of Humor (but not too much)

We love wedding speeches with humor. It is great if you can add a few one-liners and make a joke or two. In saying that, the best speech balances funny with heartfelt. If it’s too sentimental, you’ll have guests falling asleep. If you’re doing a 10 minutes comedy routine, then you could offend people and you lost the meaning of the special occasion. It is about balance.

Thank Everyone Who Deserves a Thank You

Thank the relevant people and make sure you’re specific where you can be. This takes some preparation, make sure you ask around to see who helped out with the wedding. And don’t forget the families of the bride and groom too, as well as members of the bridal party.

Write a Strong Speech Opener & Closer

You need to get people’s attention immediately. That means having a strong opener and a strong closer. Use a short Irish wedding toast, a cute saying or a funny quote. The idea is to give your best wishes, sum up the spirit of marriage or to give a toast.

The Ideal Speech Length

There are going to be a bunch of wedding speeches. Don’t bore people with a long speech. Save the long or potentially embarrassing stories for the bachelor or bachelorette party. Be brief and memorable.

Practice Your Speech Before The Big Day!

Practice and preparation makes perfect. Make eye contact and speak to all the guests. You can’t do that while looking down at a piece of paper or just going off the cuff. That means you need to prepare and have something written down and rehearsed. Practice, practice, practice. Stand in front of the mirror and rehearse till you are comfortable and confident. Practice until you look good, until you can watch yourself in the mirror – and ultimately look at the audience – while speaking.

A Few Things Not To Include in Your Speech

The rules here are quite simple. First things first, it’s never funny to make racist jokes or comments about any of the families’ cultures or traditions. Leave out all profanities or jokes that are on the obscene or offensive lines.

Poke fun at the groom but don’t cross the line and hurt anyone’s feelings. Leave out stories of drunken nights or exes. Steer away from any sexual innuendos as well. Use your common sense.

You want to walk away with the bride and groom feeling good, not humiliated.

The Groom’s Speech

The groom’s wedding speech is a big deal. Everybody wants to know what the groom has to say. In his speech, a groom will toast the bridesmaids and thank them for a job well done and will thank his groom’s party for their support throughout.

The groom’s speech also includes a special thank you to his parents and maybe even include some special memories of them. He’ll need to thank the bride’s parents and thank guests for coming and giving gifts. Finally, the groom has to show some love for his new wife, dedicating a portion of his speech to her.

The high-level pointers for the groom speech are:

• Keep it lighthearted and add (some) humor
• Remember to thank everyone
• Focus on your wife
• Pick out good quotes or one-liners to reference
• Remain calm and contained

Read more about the groom’s speech .

The Father of the Bride Speech

The Father of the Bride speech is one of the most anticipated moments of the entire evening. It can also be one of the most emotional. You can use this moment as an opener to the night’s festivities as well. Having the father of the bride welcome guests to the celebration and thanking them for all coming and showing their love.

The father of the bride may also talk more casually about his feelings and relationship daughter. It’ll also be nice to acknowledge the two families coming together as one.  As you can see, there is some heavy lifting for great wedding speeches to happen, and for the father of the bride, in particular, there is a lot to cover in a short period of time.

The high-level pointers for the father of the bride speech are:

• Stay loving and supportive
• Add sentiment and humor too
• Take time to reflect
• Include your wishes for the couple’s future
• Be confident

Read more about the father of the bride speech .

The Best Man Speech

The best man’s speech is always a highlight of the celebration as well. People expect to get a few laughs and see the groom nervously giggling as well. It’s important to throw out the appropriate thank you’s here as well, especially when it comes to the bridesmaids and fellow groomsman.

As such a close counterpart to the groom, you’ll also need to throw in some, well, throwbacks as well. It’s a great time to reminisce as well as talk a bit about the couple’s relationship and how it grew from an outsider’s perspective.

The high-level pointers for the best man speech are:

• Humor is a must
• Memorable stories of the groom
• Memorable stories of the couple
• Funny one-liners
• Well wishes
• Solid delivery

Read more about the best man speech .

Maid of Honor Speech

The maid of honor’s speech isn’t expected to be witty and full of laughs, but that doesn’t mean you can’t go in for some great jokes! Add a bit of humor if that’s within your wheelhouse but also know that it’s a great time to boost the bride with lots of amazing words as well as share any sentimental stories you have of the newlyweds.

Just like the best man is to the groom, the maid of honor is the bride’s closest counterpart so a bit of warmth and love is definitely expected to show in the wedding speech. Memorable moments from your own relationship are also a welcomed addition to the toast.

The high-level pointers for the maid of honor speech are:

• Be heartfelt
• Boost the bride

Read more about the maid of honor speech .

What Makes a Great Toast?

Short & sweet, or long & heartfelt.

What makes a great toast isn’t necessarily the length or even the delivery – because a great toast comes in lots of different forms.

You can be a bit nervous and shaky and still pull out a beautiful, long and sentimental speech that tugs at everyone’s heartstrings and leaves a lasting impression on the bride and the groom. But something short and sweet can pack a mighty punch as well. It’s really about the prep and the content. Your hard work and heartfelt words will be noticed.

Great Example Toasts

What is the order of speeches at a wedding.

In the good old days, wedding speeches were simple. You had the Father of the Bride and the Best Man. Each would get up, give a quick toast and it was over. These days, we have lots of wedding speeches. Just about every person at the wedding gives a speech, so having some kind of order of wedding speeches not only makes sense, but has some wedding etiquette to it too.

The wedding speech order can vary and nothing is set in stone, but as a couple you must remember that the key goal of this part of the wedding is to ensure guests are enjoy themselves and that everybody gets to hear what is said. Broadly, that means speeches happen towards the end of the meal.

If you take the standard order of wedding speeches, the Best Man will give his speech or toast first. He will toast the bride and groom and is, generally, the MC for the night. After the Best Man speech the groom will respond, toast his new bride, and thank the parents and so on. The Father of the Bride gives his speech last.

We mentioned early on that lots of people give speeches, so in the spirit of being thorough, here is the definitive long-list of wedding speeches order that you should keep in mind:

• Best Man give his speech
• Maid (or Matron) of Honor gives her speech
• Father of the Bride gives his speech
• Parents of the Groom give their speech
• Groom gives his speech
• Bride gives her speech
• Any other Guests of Honor give their speeches

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The 50 Best Jokes For Your Best Man Speech

As the best man, you’re tasked with giving the toast—maybe the most famous one of the evening. For the big speech, it’s important to have some jokes scattered throughout. The couple gets to be sentimental. Her father gets to be sad and nostalgic. You need to bring the funny like it’s showtime at the Apollo. That’s no easy task, either. Luckily, there are dozens of jokes that have already been written that you can plug your buddy’s name into and carry on. We compiled some of our favorites for you here. Good luck!

Good evening everyone. I’m so happy to preside over the only five minutes that the bride didn’t plan. Of course, I’m only kidding. We went over the speech 40 minutes ago in the hall.

It’s been an emotional day, even the cake is in tiers.

We’ve reached the moment in the evening where we get to watch the groom figet and worry in anticipation. Yes, everyone, I’ve been asked by the staff to give him the bill.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Before I begin, I just want to apologize for not being an experienced public speaker. I’m probably going to spend most of the time looking at this piece of paper in my hands. Oh, it’s not my notes – it’s a picture of the triple Jameson I’m going to down as soon as this is over.

I just heard there was a lucrative pool on the length of the Best Man’s speech. I put my money on 40 minutes, so settle in…

Before I begin my speech, there’s just one order of business I’ve been asked to take care of. *Hold up pair of trousers with padlock on them* These are Jack’s Chastity Pants. I know he’s given keys out to various ladies over the years, but since he is now a married man, he’d like to get those copies back, so Jill is the only one with access. *Wait for the keys you strategically handed out to wedding guests to be brought up*

My name is Peter and I am the Best Man. Many of you would beg to differ, but shut up – I know your secrets.

Just a couple of rules before we begin. If you have a mobile phone – leave it switched on, entertain yourselves. And if anyone texts you any good jokes, kindly pass them up to the front.”

I’ve been told I won’t get away with a few thank yous and a quick toast. Apparently, as Best Man, I’m supposed to sing the Groom’s praises and talk about his good qualities. Unfortunately, I can’t sing and I won’t lie.

My speech today will be like a mini-skirt.  Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention!

Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen – Before I came here today one of my good friends gave me some advice on giving this speech. He said think of it like walking through a nudist camp, it’s only hard for the first minute.

Now he’s getting a bit older he’s turning his attention more and more to gadgets, constantly buying stuff from ebay, amazon and I want one of those dot com. I swear he didn’t have an interest in women until he overheard someone say the secret to women was knowing what buttons to press.

I read somewhere the perfect best man speech should last as long as it takes for the groom to make love. So ladies and gentlemen, please raise a glass to the happy couple!

Sally is a bright, charming, wonderful woman, who deserves a good husband. It’s such a shame Harry swooped in before she could find one.

I think the main reason we’ve lasted as friends all these years is because you’re geographically convenient…and you had a trampoline.

Jack is the kindest friend anyone could ask for; a man whose philanthropy knows no bounds. ‘Generosity’ should be his middle name. He would do anything for me; like helping write a section of the best man speech because you forgot about it until late last night at the bar!

Jack was in a pub when he proposed. No, really, it was actually very romantic – he got up on one knee.

It’s strange to be giving a speech like this one, because my parents always told me that if I had nothing good to say about someone, I should just be quiet.

Seeing the happy couple walking down the aisle earlier today, I’m sure we all agree that the bride looked simply stunning. The groom, on the other hand, simply looked stunned.

So I’m the best man, although I think I was picked by default since the groom doesn’t really have any other friends.

I can only say in my defense that Mike and I share a common sense of humor so if this speech is in anyway unfunny please “Feel Free to Blame Mike.”

I’d also like to congratulate Keith on a truly magnificent speech, I always knew it would be hard to follow, and I was right, I could hardly follow a word of it.

John did tell me that the vicar was firmly against sex before marriage. However, Jane did assure him it would only take a couple of minutes.

Rest assured though, unlike most traditional best man speeches, which are full of sexual innuendo, I’ve promised Dan and Anne that if there is anything slightly risqué, I’ll whip it out immediately …”

Although Ria did actually tell me Paul has always brightened up her life. Well, she actually said he never turned the lights off but it amounts to the same thing pretty much.

I’ll try to keep my speech short, because every extra minute I speak is an extra minute’s delay in witnessing how the Groom’s dance lessons worked out.

I do have to say though how lucky you are Dave, you’re leaving with a beautiful wife whom you love. And you, Miranda, you get to go home with such a nice new dress and beautiful bouquet of flowers, it’s great.

Jill, you are an amazing woman who deserves a wonderful husband. And I promise you I won’t rest until I get to the bottom of what’s gone wrong here.

Being asked to be the best man is about five minutes of glowing pride, followed by an eternity of panic and misery. Linda, I expect you had a similar experience when Paul asked you to be his wife.

I spoke to both Sally and Paul before the Wedding and I asked Paul what he was looking for in Marriage – he said “Love, happiness and a long life together.” When I asked Sally the same question – she replied – A coffee percolator!

Speaking of Jane, I would like to say how beautiful she looks today in that fantastic dress …Dan likes it too, as he told me in the church it will blend in just nicely well with the rest of the kitchen.

Someone once said that marriage is a 50/50 partnership, but anyone who believes that clearly knows nothing about women or fractions!”

When I saw Linda heading up the aisle with her father, I thought “At last she’s seen sense, and got herself a man with looks and money.”

Before proposing, Paul went to ask Linda’s father for her hand in marriage. He said that it was fine by him, providing Paul took the hand that had spent 20 years fishing into his wallet!

I recognize my place here; being best man at a wedding is like being the dead body at a funeral. You’re expected to be there, but if you say too much people start freaking out.

If you can’t hear me in the back, let the silence in the front assure you that you’re not really missing out on anything.

A Best Man is like a dog. You love him, care about him, and he’s only thrown up and ruined your upholstery twice.

I would like to start by saying what a pleasure it is to be Best Man at Jack and Jill’s wedding. Jack made me compete for this honor today, but I was able to beat Mark the Bartender over there in rock-paper-scissors, so here I am!

I found the speech length really difficult to settle on. At one point, it ran to almost 70 minutes, so I cut it down to a five-minute speech but I just felt like too many important things were being left out. So I came to a compromise – I’m going to read the five-minute speech. Then straight afterwards, I’ll do 70-minute one and you guys can tell me which speech I should use.

What can you say about a man who came from humble beginnings and is now rising to the top of his industry based solely on his intelligence, grit and willpower? A man whose charisma knows no bounds and who has already distinguished himself amongst his peers? Because I’m trying to write my Tinder profile and I’m having trouble summarizing myself.

When I sat down to write this speech I Googled “perfect best man speech”, but you had to pay to read the examples and I didn’t think it was worth it, so I’m gonna wing it.

I admit, I’m extremely nervous right now. As the people sitting near to me at the table can testify, it really is possible to smell fear.”

I must admit, I’m not used to speaking in public. Until now I thought a toastmaster was a kitchen appliance.

The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.

You know, it’s been said that being asked to be best man is like being asked to make love to Camilla Parker Bowles.. It’s a great honor but you don’t really want to do it!

I’ve been anxious about giving this speech for a while now. Fortunately last night I slept like a baby. Waking up every two hours and bawling my eyes out. Ten minutes ago, I had to ask a complete stranger to burp me.

Dave was telling me that the amazing meal this evening was charged on a cost-per-head basis, so, on the bride and groom’s behalf, I’d like to thank the following people for not coming…

What’s the difference between in-laws and out-laws? Outlaws are wanted.”

Leading up to today John and Jane were having an issue with the seating plan. Who would sit comfortably in here & who would have to get up and stand during the speeches so we decided to use wedding present list, biggest presents at front and work it back from there. So hopefully you can hear me at the back when I say on behalf of Jane and John thank‐you very much for the teaspoons.

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45 Genuinely Funny Best Man Speech Jokes

Contrary to popular belief, best man speech jokes don't all have to be cringe-worthy! Here's 45 jokes that are guaranteed to go down a treat

Pratis Barns

Want to know the secret to great best man speeches? Jokes! Love them or loathe them, jokes are at the heart of any great wedding toast , whether you're delivering one as the  best man  or best woman . Since no-one’s expecting you to develop the stand-up skills of Peter Kay overnight, it’s okay to turn to some tried-and-tested best man speech jokes .

Whether you’re on the hunt for some witty ice breaker jokes, funny openers, or punchy one-liners to entertain the crowd, we’ve rounded up 45 of our favourite jokes that work perfectly when writing funny best man speeches, and will leave the audience in stitches. 

Plus, they're super easy to mix up for a  LGBTQ+ couple. We spoke to Heidi Ellert-McDermott, founder of Speechy , who shared her top tips on how to write the best best man's speech with jokes that will have everyone laughing. 

So, without further ado, here's our selection of funny wedding speech jokes worthy of applause:

45 of the Funniest Best Man Jokes for Speech

1. It’s been an emotional day, even the cake is in tiers.

2. If there’s anybody here this afternoon who’s feeling nervous, apprehensive and queasy at the thought of what lies ahead, it’s probably because you’ve just married [NAME].

3. We’ve now reached the point in the proceedings when we all get to see the [NAME] shift uncomfortably in his seat and grip the tablecloth. That’s right. I’ve been asked to give him the drinks’ bill.

4. All those amongst you who know [PARTNER] well will know that she/he is a wonderful and caring person. S/he deserves a good husband. Thank God [NAME] married her/him before s/he found one.

5. Just some last messages here to read out: one from [NAME’S] football team to [PARTNER] – Apologies we couldn’t all be there today, good luck with [NAME], we found him to be useless in most positions, but wishing you all the best for tonight.

6. I’d also like to congratulate [NAME] on a truly magnificent speech. I always knew it would be hard to follow and I was right, I could hardly follow a word of it.

7. [PARTNER] please put your left hand flat on the table. [NAME] please place your hand on top of theirs. Enjoy this moment [NAME] because it’s the first and last time in your marriage that you’ll have the upper hand.

8. I do have to say though [name] just how lucky you are. You will leave here today with a [WIFE/HUSBAND] who is warm, loving and caring. And [PARTNER], how lucky you are as well. You leave here today having gained a lovely outfit and a wonderful bouquet of flowers.

9. Being asked to be someone’s best man is like being called up for jury duty. You don’t really want to do it but know you have to. You’re made to dress in a suit and pretend to be an upstanding member of the community. The only difference is I didn’t have a say if the life sentence passed earlier today.

10. I recognise my place here; a best man is similar to a dead body at a funeral. Of course you are expected to be there but if you say too much then people start freaking out.

11. Now I did ask for a microphone but was told one wasn’t available. So if you can’t hear me at the back, the silence from the people at the front should reassure you that you’re not missing out on anything.

12. You’ve got no idea how much I’ve been looking forward to today. After all the time I’ve been friends with [NAME], they have at long last admitted that I am in fact the best man.

13. I didn’t really know where to start so I thought I’d trawl the internet. After a couple of hours I’d found some really, really good stuff. But then I remembered that I was supposed to be writing a speech.

14. We all know the [PARTNER] is a wonderful person who deserves the perfect guy. Too bad you don’t always get what you deserve.

15. As part of my research, I discovered that according to tradition I am supposed to sing the groom’s praises and tell you all about his many good points. Well, I’m very sorry but I can’t sing and I won’t lie.

16. Well, I do hope that [PARTNER] and [NAME] enjoy their honeymoon in Wales. I assume that’s where they’re going anyway… When I asked [NAME] what he was doing after the wedding, he said he was going to Bangor for a fortnight.

17. Firstly I’d like to say I’m very nervous about making this speech. In fact this must be the third time today that I’ve stood up from a warm seat with pieces of paper in my hand.

18. Good evening, family and friends. I’m very happy to preside over the only five minutes of the day [PARTNER] didn’t plan.

19. I don’t believe in roasting the groom on his special day. Therefore this speech won’t contain anything embarrassing or controversial about [NAME]. Instead I’ll refer only to the kind, funny side of his character. Thank you and goodnight. 

20. Loyal, caring, sincere, honest, a great man… but that’s enough about me, I’m here to give a speech about [NAME]!

21. The couple have asked that I don’t talk about [NAME]'s mishaps, mistakes, embarrassing moments or ex-partners. So thanks for listening everyone, that’s it from me!

22. For those of you who don’t know me, my name is [BEST MAN] and for those of those who do know me…I apologise. My full name is actually ‘[BEST MAN]-would-you-like-a-drink’. For those of you who I chat to in the bar later, I’d appreciate it if you could use my full name.

23. So where do I start with [NAME]? Well, for starters he’s handsome, witty, intelligent, he’s charm…sorry…[NAME] I’m having trouble reading you handwriting. You can tell me the rest later.

24. I read somewhere the perfect best man speech should last as long as it takes for the groom to make love. So ladies and gentlemen, please raise a glass to the happy couple!

25. Please keep clapping and cheering to a minimum. I’m terribly hungover. I know, you shouldn’t drink the night before a wedding, but I couldn’t very well let the groom drink alone, could I?

26. I’m going to keep this speech like [NAME] – short and not very funny.

27. I can only say in my defence that [NAME] and I share the same sense of humour so if this speech is in anyway unfunny, please feel free to blame [NAME].

28. Hi everyone, I’m [BEST MAN], I’m the best man – although I think I was picked by default since the groom doesn’t really have any other friends.

29. I’ve been instructed to keep this speech smut-free, so if I come across any innuendo, I’ll whip it out immediately.

30. I’m here to give a speech about [NAME] – but what can I say about him that hasn’t already been a topic on Jeremy Kyle?

31. I heard there was a sweepstake on the length of the best man’s speech. I just went for 40 minutes – so settle in.

32. Now, before I start, the hotel manger has asked me to request that, for reasons of health and safety, none of you get up on top of the chairs and tables during my standing ovation.

33. I have no problem admitting to you all that I’m extremely nervous right now. And as the people sitting near the front of the room can attest, it is actually possible to smell fear.

34. They say if you're nervous about giving a speech you should imagine the audience naked. [Look around, look horrified] God, now I feel worse!

35. When it came to writing this speech, I Googled 'best man speech examples' and found some great stuff! So, let me tell you about [WRONG NAME]...

Are you starting to write your best man’s speech ? Once you’ve nailed the best man speech jokes, we’ve got all the advice you need on how to structure your best man’s speech and great ending toasts to finish with .

How to Write a Best Man's Speech with Jokes

Incorporating a few jokes into your best man's speech can be a great tool for loosening up the crowd - Heidi Ellert-McDermott, founder of Speechy , revealed one of the easiest ways to master this is by using comedy based on observation. 

"It’s just noticing the strange things in life that we take for granted. Everyone in this world is weird in their very own way, so start checking out the groom. Question his behaviour, habits and the unwritten rules of your friendship.

"Look at the everyday frustrations and recurring issues. To make observational humour work, the trick is to be as specific as possible. Even positive qualities can be humorous if you dissect them," explains Heidi. 

Another easy tool when it comes to weaving in best man speech jokes is by using exaggeration: "I exaggerate 300% of my life. Just think of a quirk that the groom is known for and imagine it in its most extreme form."

Funny Best Man Jokes that Won’t Offend the Groom

Gabriela Matei

Worried about offending the groom? Heidi suggests that "self-deprecation is also a brilliant tool to utilise. Arguably, the strongest form of comedy and certainly, the safest. No one will be offended if you’re offending yourself." 

But, if you do want to give the groom a bit of a roasting, just make sure to do it with kindness. Subjects that you’ve seen them become sensitive or upset about in the past are definitely off the table! Stick to safe topics and turn them into some playful icebreaker jokes to lighten the mood.

For instance, let’s say the groom is obsessed with sport, has a slightly receding hairline, or never gets a round in at the pub… you can easily throw in some of these teasing best man jokes about football, losing their hair, and buying drinks if you think they would go down well.

Here are a few examples of great opening jokes and closing one-liners that shouldn’t overstep the mark.

36. “This has truly been a day to remember. [NAME] finally bought a round of drinks!”

37. “I’ve played football with [NAME] on many occasions and never seen him lose a ball… as he doesn’t kick it that far. In fact, he struggles to kick it full stop.”

38. “[NAME] may not dazzle you with his wit or good looks. But he will dazzle you with the top of his head.”

39. “Getting married to someone who is balding makes everything so much easier. For example, whenever the photographer calls for a picture, all [NAME] has to do is straighten his tie!”

40. “[NAME] has been so worried about getting married. In fact, he’s been tearing his hair out!”

How to Write a Speech as the Best Man and Brother to the Groom

If you’re the brother or a sibling to the person getting married and you’ve been asked to make a speech as their Best Man or Best Woman, then you’re in a very unique position! You get to draw upon years of life experience and memories with the person getting hitched, which can make the jokes even funnier and more personal. And of course, all of these jokes can be switched up and modified to fit any sibling relationship. 

Here are some to get you started, and you can find even more by reading up on how to write a best man speech for your brother . 

41. “I want to say a few complimentary things about the groom. He’s handsome, intelligent and gifted at sports. Of course, none of this should come as a surprise – we come from the same gene pool.”

42. “If you hadn’t guessed already, I’m the groom’s younger brother. The upgrade, if you will.”

43. “I've always wanted to give a speech - [NAME] is like a genie, he's granted a wish for me today. And I always wanted a sister, and I have that now in [NAME]. But not all wishes come true, after all - I've still got [NAME] as a brother.”

44. “We didn’t play together that much, growing up. [NAME] was the sort of kid my mum told me to stay away from.”

45. “[NAME] blamed me for everything growing up. So, let’s call this speech ‘payback’”.  

Can You Joke About the Bride in a Best Man's Speech?

Danielle Smith Photography

Joking about someone's partner in the best man's speech is something you should carefully consider as it depends on how well you know them and your relationship. 

"You need to judge this carefully but if you could affectionately tease them down the pub, then I’d hope you could do it within your speech. Obviously nothing crude or genuinely rude and nothing that could be taken the wrong way or worry the grannies," explains Heidi. 

"Some people may suggest you play it safe and stick to the gushing compliments - but having been a bride myself, I loved that the best man at our wedding felt comfortable enough to acknowledge some of my more questionable habits. It cemented the fact that he was my friend as well as my husband's," she reveals. 

This rule of thumb applies for any type of best man speech, whether that be for a bride and groom, two grooms or two brides. If you're unsure on what to do or aren't certain they'll be a good sport, Heidi suggests keeping the jokes focused on whoever you are closest to. 

7 Top Tips for Giving a Best Man’s Speech

If you are planning a best man’s speech then don’t miss our top tips:

• Avoid in-jokes that most guests won’t understand!
• Keep it clean – you don’t want to be dropping the F-bomb in front of your best friend’s grandma…
• Pause for laughter - and if it doesn't come, you can tell people they were supposed to laugh there
• Add a personal twist – see if any of these jokes can be amended to suit something that relates to the couple
• Make notes - you might think you'll remember it off by heart, but it's handy to have notes to refer back to
• Project your voice - don't shout, but aim to be heard at the back of the room
• End with a toast - it's the best way to wrap it up

Planning on being the best best man ever? Here's how to plan the perfect stag do !

Related Hitched articles

9 Killer Speech Openers to Start a Talk or Presentation.​

Danny Riley 8 min read

What you’ll learn:

• The importance of a “killer” speech opening.
• 9 powerful speech openers and how to use them.
• Examples from great speakers you can learn from.

Great speech openers hook your audience.

“ Well begun is half done” – Mary Poppins.

A killer speech opener will make the difference between a presentation that makes you soar or your audience snore .

I’ve researched the whole web to find nine killer speech openers to make your audience lean in and listen rather than tune out and daydream.

You’ll see how masters of the craft have used them, and how you can too.

Number seven takes hutzpah to pull off. Ready for the whole list of killer speech openers?

The Shock Opener

One of the best ways to open your speech with a buzz is to startle or shock them.

You can shock an audience in many ways, but they all rest on the major senses of VAKS:

• Kinesthetic (touch) 

We don’t want your audience tasting your talk, but it should leave a good taste in their mouths.

Changing Minds suggests asking if the audience is awake after appearing from a flashbang and a cloud of smoke, and this might work for you if you’re a magician or playing some kind of character for your speech like a genie.

Suppose you aren’t going for the magic angle. 

In that case, you can shock them on a psychological level instead, as Conor Neill recommends, and tell your audience a surprising fact or statistic that makes them question their thinking or beliefs.

“Did you know that half the water on earth is older than the sun?”

Questions like these will shake an audience awake and turn on their critical thinking nervous-system.

Don’t take my word for it; you can see an incredible demonstration of the shock opener in Mohammed Qahtani’s speech, The Power of Words .

Qahtani opens by taking out a cigarette and placing it into his mouth before trying to light it. The audience is so shocked that they gasp and tell him to stop.

Remember, if your audience is shocked, they are listening.

Your audience doesn’t always have to be jolted to attention with a shock opener, though you can use a more subtle approach to grab their focus. 

Ready to speak with confidence ? Explore our training options...

The story opener.

You can set the tone of your speech instantly with a story .

In Hollywood, filmmakers and directors use an ‘establishing shot’ to set the tone and theme of the entire film.

When creating your speech, think of a short story that sums up your talk.

Maybe you tell half the story to begin with, and then the other half at the end. 

The important thing is your tale must be relatable . If your audience can’t imagine themselves in the story, they won’t be engaged.

We all experience very similar things in life: 

• We all went to school and had a teacher we loved
• We all have parents who loved us or made mistakes in our upbringing
• We all had a first crush.

We are all cut from the same cloth, so it’s good to be reminded that others are going through what we face or think as we do.

Bryan Stevenson does a stellar job of recounting his mischievous grandmother in his TED talk, We need to talk about an injustice .

The best thing is, you can combine a story-opener with any other speech opener in this list.

It’s truly versatile.

One of my favourite speech openers is next, though.

The Intrigue Opener

I love this speech opener.

What better way to hook your audience than to intrigue them with mystery or a juicy secret?

Take a look at Daniel Pink’s TED Talk The puzzle of motivation . After he begins, Pink, looking like a guilty man sent to the gallows tells his audience:

“I need to confess something, at the outset here. A little over 20 years ago, I did something I regret. Something I’m not particularly proud of”.

Wow. How intriguing, right?

You have to admit; you want to know what he’s about to confess.

Choose every sentence, every word, and every mark of punctuation to increase the tantalisation temperature.

Whether it’s a secret or confession, the Intrigue Opener piques just enough curiosity in your audience to keep them from checking Whatsapp.

As humans, we need closure. 

We do not like open loops. 

That’s why it is both enthralling and aggravating when someone plays on our need to be sure.

Just as we cannot stand an open loop, we are instantly engaged when someone gives us a puzzle to solve.

You’ll notice the best speeches, books, tv shows, and films do not spoon feed you all of the information.

I’ve always liked the way Malcolm Gladwell writes his non-fiction books because they contain puzzles that you solve as a reader.

This puzzle needs to be related to the speech or presentation you’re delivering, of course. It cannot be a random puzzle and will ideally be impossible or extremely difficult to solve at first.

After the speech begins and the puzzle is revealed, you should slowly drop hints on how to solve the mystery.

Up next, speech openers that use a physical object to create curiosity in the audience’s mind.

The Prop Opener

One of the most potent ways you will captivate your audience is to use a powerful prop in your opening address.

What better way to capture an audience’s imagination than to show them a mysterious or beautiful object?

If you’ve never seen the Prop Opener done well, then take a look at one of the greatest speeches of all time:

Dananjaya Hettiarachchi’s, See Something .

Danajaya enters with a simple rose in his breast pocket, takes it out, gazes at it nostalgically, smells it and then begins to speak.

This same prop appears again right at the end of his speech to end his talk with a flourish.

There are many different props you can use.

JJ Abrams used a Mystery Box to absorb the audience’s attention and used the box as a metaphor for his entire career.

If you think the prop opener is just for TED Talks and Toastmasters Final Speeches, remember that most company product launch centre around one or more props.

Steve Jobs revealed his new products in ever-innovative ways.

Still, while the last two speeches I’ve mentioned opened with physical items, most of Jobs’s presentations built intrigue through the sight of the product.

So remember, you can use an object, or tease your audience with the absence of a prop, but make that prop integral to your talk.

You don’t always have to use a prop, of course. 

A more minimalist approach to opening your speech uses the best audience reaction a speaker can receive: laughter.

The Funny Opener

Using laughter to win over your audience is the golden ticket to immediate rapport with your audience.

Jack Schafer, PhD at Psychology Today, said that People Will Like You If You Make Them Laugh , which seems obvious, but at least you know we have scientists on the case. 

He also mentions that constructing humour requires and projects a high level of intelligence .

Of course, laughter is subjective, but it is also infectious, and if you get enough members of your audience to titter, it will spread across the whole group.

If you want to see just how quickly you can win an audience over with humour, take a look at Ken Robinson’s subtle but delightful ability to raise a chuckle in his speech Do Schools Kill Creativity? 

Ken’s ability to speak conversationally to an audience of thousands is genuinely remarkable.

If you break down his humour, it is easy to see how you could include similar content in your presentations. 

Whether you can pull it off as well as Ken is another story.

Not everyone feels like they can be a comedian, though; I get that. 

Well, that’s alright because there are other ways to open your talk that play on other strong emotions.

You can inspire your audience too.

The Inspirational Opener

One of my favourite ways to help beginner speakers to open their presentation is with a quote.

A quote acts like a story in that it sets the tone and theme of your speech, but it takes much less effort and even less skill.

An effective quote is usually only one line long and supported by the credibility of the original author who uttered those words.

Watch the way Clint Smith opens his TED Talk  The Danger of Silence .

Using Martin Luther King’s voice to start his speech gives Clint what psychologists call the transference effect .

Just by citing someone else, especially someone admired and famous, you redirect the emotions an audience have towards that person onto yourself.

One caveat to using quotes, though:

Fact check them . I cringe whenever I see someone incorrectly quoting someone.

Have you ever heard the quote by Albert Einstein:

“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results”?

A great quote, isn’t it?

But Albert Einstein never said those words .

A quick check on Reuters will help you add more credibility to your inspirational opener.

Finally, try to use a quote few people have ever heard. Inspiring words have been filling the archives of history for millennia, so seek out something that has been left dusty on the shelf rather than the same recycled iterations.

Next, let’s look at a type of bold speech opener that take real hutzpah to land well.

The Perspective Shift Opener

A powerful speech opener that will take confidence is the perspective shift opener.

This opener will lead the audience in one direction before changing direction and setting a new pace for the speech.

Cameron Russel does a fantastic job of controlling the frame in her TED Talk Looks aren’t everything. Believe me; I’m a model.

Russel takes to the stage dressed in a skimpy dress and begins to tell the audience about her career, but then does a rapid wardrobe change on stage in front of the entire audience. 

This change of dress sets a new tone, feel, and direction for the speech.

If you can change the audience’s perspective or frame of reality, you are in the driving seat.

One of the best things you can hope for as a speaker is moving hearts and changing minds. 

If you aren’t a confident speaker, start small.

Vanessa Van Edwards suggests never mentioning how nervous you are. 

It’s distracting and makes the audience pick up on all the subtle nervous energy and cues you give off. Control the frame instead and act cool and confident: they will buy into it.

Another great way to hold frame control over an audience is by using the power of silence .

The Silence Opener

Silence is a valuable commodity in today’s noisy and distracting digital world.

Creating silence at the beginning of your talk can profoundly affect your audience and their focus.

Did you ever have a teacher at school who used silence effectively?

When my English classmates were noisy, our teacher Mr Rylance would hold up his hand in silence. 

Slowly we would settle down and focus on his raised hand. 

A few would giggle, but that would peter out until we all wrapt in a hypnotic stillness.

If you want to see an example of how to use silence, then look at Neal Glitterman’s speech The Power of Silence .

You can see how much gravity silence can have , especially as a speech opener.

The final killer opener I want to introduce you to is the big promise opener.

The Big Promise Opener

I believe that all speeches and presentations should contain a big promise as it tells your audience why they should keep on listening.

Ideally, your big promise will be your speech title or phrase that pays which is a recurring foundational phrase you will use throughout your presentation.

A big promise is your way of making a deal with the audience : you listen to me, and you’ll get something in return.

Creating a big promise at the beginning of your speech is like adding a teaser trailer to the beginning of a TV show. It suggests a reason you should stick around.

When Arthur Benjamin introduces his talk Faster than a calculator by announcing:

 “I am a human calculator!”

You know that proof is on the way.

Remember the essential rule of the Big Promise Opener: make it big and keep your promise.

WOW your audience with these killer speech openers.

I hope you feel that I kept my promise of sharing nine killer speech openers to start a presentation.

Did you notice any other speech openers at the beginning of this article?

Don’t forget; these openers can be mixed and matched.

You can include a number of these speech openers in the same presentation to create more impact.

Let me know which of these killer openers was your favourite, and let me know if you have any more you’d like to share.

– Danny Riley

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Groom speech jokes - 101 winners

Displaying 1 to 10 of 101 classic groom speech jokes

I have been told that this is usually one of the only times in a married man’s life when he can be in the company of his wife and mother in-law and not be interrupted … I may be here sometime.

Add to clipboard »

Displaying 1 of 30 examples »

Thank you for all your wonderful gifts. I can’t tell you how much they mean to us – but I should have a better idea after the honeymoon, once eBay’s has worked its magic.

Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen - A wedding speech is one of those rare occasions when you get the opportunity to publicly say how you feel about the people you really care about. So I’m going to devote the next couple of minutes paying tribute to some very special people indeed. Starting with the bar staff …

Displaying 1 of 53 examples »

I’d like to thank you all for coming. You’re all looking wonderful tonight. I’ve realised for the first time that I actually have some well-dressed, good-looking family and friends. Oh, no, wait, those ones are Linda’s family and friends.

First of all, I’d like to explain to some of the younger guests that just because the bride left the church with a different man to the one she arrived with, it doesn’t mean she changed her mind.

Displaying 1 of 5 examples »

Linda wanted everything to look just perfect today, and if you think I seem a little different to normal, you’d be right. I am in fact a 25-year-old model playing the part of Linda’s husband.

Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen. I had prepared a superb speech for you today, but unfortunately, now that I am married … I’ve been told to read this one instead.

Displaying 1 of 80 examples »

Before we proceed I must make a very sad announcement which I hope doesn’t taint these celebrations. I’m sorry to say that Linda and I are no longer engaged.

I feel very fortunate to have married Linda. None of you will know this, but I've actually been congratulated already. 'Paul,' my father said to me, 'Well done! You will always look back on today as the happiest and best thing you've ever done.' Fitting words, I thought, as I set off for my stag night.

Displaying 1 of 18 examples »

Right, I’d just like to start by laying down a couple of rules. Firstly, this is my day, so no heckling please – this includes the wife. And secondly, if you do have a mobile phone…please, leave it switched on; keep yourselves entertained. I think if you keep your spirits high and your expectations low, everyone will be happy.

I’ve been feeling quite nervous about giving this speech for some time. But I’m pleased to say last night I slept like a baby – I woke up every two hours, crying my eyes out.

Displaying 1 of 14 examples »

By now, Linda knows me quite well. I use 'quite' advisedly because if she knew me 'well' we may not be here today.

Now I know I’m not the first bridegroom to be a little anxious on his wedding day, but actually since it started I’ve felt pretty relaxed, because Linda’s so organised she’s thought of everything. She arranged for the car to take me to the church, collected my suit from the hire shop and worked all hours of last night to write my speech. Darling – can I have it now, please?

Displaying 1 of 20 examples »

Since Linda and I have been together, a lot of guys ask how I could woo such a beautiful, intelligent woman. It’s very simple: spoil them rotten, let them know you’ll give them the finer things in life, and make sure you’re as witty and as cultured as your surroundings. On our very first date I took Linda to a flashy restaurant. I won't tell you where, as it's a special place for us, but I will tell you that Linda first melted into my arms with the line, ‘If you were on the menu here, you would be a McGorgeous!’

Before I begin, please can we ensure that all the aisles and fire exits are kept clear throughout the reception. There’s a medical team waiting outside the building and I’d like them to have a clear run when my father in-law is presented with the final bill.

Displaying 1 of 22 examples »

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to start by thanking everyone here for sharing our wedding day with us. I’d also like to thank those few that couldn’t be here today, because you've saved us a fortune.

When it comes to talking about my bride's good points, where do I start? She’s intelligent, generous, hard working, popular and a brilliant judge of character.

Displaying 1 of 15 examples »

Linda’s been good for me. Since meeting her I’ve been motivated to change career, to lose weight, to drink less. And she supported me through all those failures.

Today is rightly the happiest day of my life, and it will continue to be a date that I will cherish and celebrate as each year passes. And to ensure that I always remember this date as my special anniversary… just once, I shall forget it.

Displaying 1 of 17 examples »

Good evening everyone. The wife and I are delighted that you were able to come to our wedding. I can’t imagine a happier way to start married life than in this wonderful venue with our family and friends around us. OK, so I can, but it would have to be an exceptionally big Jacuzzi.

M&S restocks comfy-yet-smart £17.50 trousers shoppers wear on repeat

Top 7 opening lines for the groom’s wedding speech, the cheeky groom’s speech.

We all know that no matter how old a member of the male species is, they never truly grow up – the cheeky chap they were as a child will forever be part of them. So it’s no wonder that opening lines from the groom such as the following make an appearance at many a wedding breakfast; ‘my speech will be like a mini skirt; long enough to cover the essentials, but short enough to hold your attention!’. Use this cheeky speech opener only if you’re guaranteed your male mates will back you up, as your wife may not be as amused.

The mother-in-law insult speech

Digs at the mother-in-law are age-old and crop up oh too easily at weddings. Hopefully, yours is laidback and has a sense of humour – but even if you think you know her, always think twice! If you’re going to risk the in-law silent treatment and risk offending the entire bridal family, then use this beauty; ‘my plan was to deliver a very short speech today, but then I remembered that this would be the only opportunity that I would have with my wife and mother-in-law in the same room and not get interrupted, so I may be some time!’. Cue tumbleweed moment or an uproar of laughter – it’s a gamble which reaction you will provoke!

The crude wedding speech

The wedding day is all about timing, and the groom’s speech is no exception. Toilet humour should always be used with caution as many are adverse to it – remember what you were told as a kid; there is a time and place! In this case, don’t time this speech too close to the wedding breakfast; guests about to tuck into their delicious three course meal, or contentedly digesting their slice of wedding cake may not be impressed with any toilet humour, no matter how funny you and your groomsmen find it. However , this one’s a little more subtle; ‘this is the second time today I've got up off a nice warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand.’

The short and sweet groom’s opening line

If the wedding day up until this point has been drawn out and guests are starting to wilt like the bride’s bouquet, then short and snappy opening lines will grab their attention and regain their focus (particularly if the grandparents have started to drift off). Starting your speech with the likes of; ‘I have a dream... oh sorry, that’s the wrong speech!’, injects the humour required while allowing you to continue with a pretty standard groom’s speech afterwards. This ‘less is more’ approach keeps it simple which means less work for you!

The classic groom’s opening line

Many people are of the opinion that during the wedding speeches, the humour and puns should be left to the best man – largely as he can get away with more than the groom can! In this school of thought, the groom’s speech should be heartfelt and thankful to the guests for their presence and presents. If you’re playing it safe, then simply go with; ‘My beautiful wife and I would like to thank you all for coming today to share our special day with us.’ You’ll get a few jibes from your groomsmen for being ‘cheesy’, but you’ll win the hearts of the in-laws and your wife’s pals.

The bridal insult opening line

Opening your speech with a line such as; ‘how do you turn a fox into an elephant? By marrying her’, will make you a hit with the groomsmen, for sure, but what about the poor woman you said ‘I do’ to only hours earlier? Use this kind of humour wisely – even if your wife is a laidback lass, all women have feelings and will not take kindly to being insulted in front of their entire family and all their friends. If you’re brave enough to venture this kind of opening line, be prepared for a honeymoon of ear bashing and dirty looks (and you can forget the wedding night!).

Open with a prop, not a line

A sure fire way to grab your guests’ attention is with no words at all; simply appear before your guests with an intriguing prop. Try using a pillow, and state that you will need it for all those nights you’ll spend in the doghouse, or simply walk on stage with a mop, stating that it will be needed to mop up all the tears after your heartfelt speech. Or go down the cheesy route and whip out some glue or Velcro, suggesting that the newlyweds must stick together throughout their married lives. Cheesier still, offer a box of child’s building blocks, stating that as a married couple they must work together to build their lives. Read more on getwed.com... What not to say in your wedding speech The groom's guide to wedding day grooming Be inspired for your wedding

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Top Best Man Speech Openers For Every Style

• 14th Apr, 2020

Jump to the good bits

You’re honoured to have been asked to be the best man but you’ve got no idea how to start your speech. We get it…your best man speech opener is the icebreaker your audience have all been waiting for. They’re tired, they want food and they want you to sit down quickly. So this is your chance to get them on side, have some fun and create a special/hilarious wedding speech moment that the bride and groom will laugh at, love and remember.

Keep our top tips in mind for your speech intro, length and tone and then head onto the jokes / opening lines / icebreakers!

• Don’t focus on you.
• Keep it under 5 minutes (3 is better).
• Tell a short anecdote about the couple that celebrates (and maybe ribs) their relationship.
• And finally, choose 1 or 2 good jokes that showcase your humour and the tone of the day.

So, without further ado…we give you our top 40 best man speech intros, jokes and openers.

Best Man Speech Openers

• Step 1: Inhale helium balloon. Step 2: Give speech.
• “History really does have a way of repeating itself. X years ago, (bride’s name)’s parents were sending her off to bed with a dummy. And today they’re doing it all over again.”
• “(Bride’s name), you’re a truly special woman and you deserve a wonderful husband. And I’m not going to rest until I get to the bottom of what’s gone wrong here.”
• “Fornication…..(cough) sorry, excuse me. For an occasion….such as this…”
• “Just some quick housekeeping, ladies and gentleman. Firstly, if you’ve got your mobile phone on you…please make sure to keep it switched ON during the speech, for your own entertainment. And secondly, if you see any good jokes in your scrolling, be sure to forward them on to me.”
• “I’d like to offer a toast to the bride and groom…(pull out a piece of toast from coat pocket and give it to them).”
• “Those of you that know me, know that I’m not big on making speeches”…(Sit down)
• “I have been (groom’s name)’s mate since Wednesday this week. I was the successful applicant to an ad he put online asking to pose as his friend. Apparently I got the position by default having been the only one to apply.”
• “Some of you have asked me how I’ll cope now that I’m flying solo socially without my best mate…Honestly? I’m thrilled. Now I’ll finally be the best looking man in the room.”
• If you are the groom’s twin: “I’m not the groom but I do appreciate that at least 4 people so far have congratulated me. Also, if you gave me an envelope, I’m keeping it.”
• For the Princess Bride fans out there: “Mawwage. Mawwage is what bwings us together today…”
• “The bride and groom have requested that I don’t share any embarrassing stories, stag do pranks or crude jokes…so that’s it from me! Thanks for your attention.”
• “Now, ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today to celebrate something beautiful. Something so truly magical that words can hardly express. I am, of course, talking about the open bar/donut wall/4 course meal.”
• If you’re following someone else’s speech: “Ditto.”
• “(Bride’s name) please put your hand flat on the table. (Groom’s name) please place your hand on top of hers. Now, enjoy this moment (groom’s name), because it’s the first and last time in your marriage that you’ll have the upper hand.”
• “To the bride and groom. My only wish for you is that each day of your marriage is better than the previous, so that you can look back on today, your wedding day, and say that it was the worst day of your life.”
• “For those of you who can’t hear me at the back, you should be reassured by the complete silence in the front row here. You’re not missing much.”
• “Most of you know the bride well and that she is a loving and caring person. She deserved to find someone truly special to marry. I just thank God (groom’s name) married her before she found one.”
• “A wedding is such an emotional day for everyone. Even the cake is in tiers.”
• “When (groom’s name) first told me he was thinking about popping the big question, I have to admit my heart started racing. Then I realised he meant (bride’s name) and I just put those dreams back in the box.”
• “(Groom’s name) said that If I do a good job here I can be the best man at his next wedding.”
• “I did a quick poll before the reception today to see who was on the bride or groom’s side. And I’m happy to report that the wedding crashers are seated on tables 2 and 11. Security.”
• For 2nd weddings only: “Welcome back.”
• “Now, I know I can trust you all that any personal details I tell you about (groom’s name) today won’t go any further than the 150 guests in this room, your families, friends, workmates, casual acquaintances and anyone you choose to share them with on social media and the local radio call in show.”
• “I’d like to start by congratulating (groom’s name) on his excellent taste in best men. He’s truly outdone himself this time.”
• For Lord of The Rings (LOTR) fans: “Looking out I see a lot of familiar faces, and a lot of faces that are new to me. I don’t know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.”
• “When (groom’s name) asked me to be his best man, the first thing I did was Google ‘the perfect best man speech’, but you had to pay to read the examples and I didn’t think it was worth it, so I’m just going to wing it.”
• “I did a lot of research before writing this speech and the best advice I came across was to open with something that’s relevant to everyone here. So, everyone…your cars have all been stolen.”
• “(Groom’s name) knows his wife so well. When I asked him what her favourite flower was, he instantly replied ‘self-raising’.”
• “Could I ask everyone to stand for a quick toast? There are some really important people who, without them, none of this here today would have any meaning…To the bartenders.”
• “A wise man once told me that a best man speech is like a miniskirt. It should be short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover the goods.”
• “Hi everyone, I’m (your name). I’m here to tell you about (groom’s name) and how truly special, talented, good looking and…sorry mate, I can’t read your handwriting here.”
• “Hi everyone, my name is (your name) and I’m (groom’s name)’s best man. That’s right. It took him (X) years but he has FINALLY admitted I’m the best.”
• “Apparently, it’s tradition in a best man’s speech to sing the groom’s praises and talk up his better qualities. But sorry, I can’t sing and I won’t lie.”
• “(Groom’s name) had the honour of being my best man. He took months crafting a perfect, tender and charming speech. It made the whole room laughing and crying in equal measure. Everyone agreed it was beautiful. Unfortunately I’m a married man, so I haven’t had the time to do all that.”
• “I heard people were taking bets on the length of the best man speech. Well, I bet on myself for 45 minutes and I am sure as hell getting that money back. So, strap yourselves in…we’ll be here for a while.”
• “I once read the perfect best man speech should last as long as it takes for the groom to make love. So the time has come! Please raise a glass to the happy couple!”
• “The beautiful meal you’re about to be served was charged per head. So, on the special couple’s behalf, I’d like to thank the following people for not coming…”
• “Before I start my speech, I think it would be appropriate if we all stood for a moment’s silence…To the memory of the 2,000 potatoes, 200 salmon, countless roses and baby’s breath flowers that selflessly gave their lives to make this wedding possible.”
• “I would like to congratulate (groom’s name) on his impeccable taste in choosing such a beautiful wife. And (bride’s name), well done on saying ‘I do’ to my mate (groom’s name), because, let’s face it – that must have been hard.”

If you’ve given a truly epic best man speech that has gone down in wedding history, send us your speech text ! We’ll add any pearlers to the list or feature it on The Stag’s Balls blog.

For help with your other best duties and to plan the most epic stag party ever, check out our Irish , UK and European stag party destinations . And just reach out if you’d like to chat with a stag planner about options.

Image credit: Pxhere

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Related articles, 15 classic stag do costumes and fancy dress ideas, 21 top ideas for best man gifts to the groom, packing list: groom emergency kit bag, the ultimate best man duties list, essential resources.

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The Most Hilarious Maid Of Honor Speeches Ever

We have all found ourselves at a wedding where the speeches and toasts just seemed to drag on. Either they're full of inside jokes to which we can't relate, the maid of honor or best man is clearly out of their element, someone is drunk beyond belief, or they just don't know when to call enough enough. If you're lucky, you've hopefully also been able to witness the opposite, where the speech is so good you're left in stitches from laughing so hard or wiping tears from your cheeks from the sweet message.  

While we may often think the best man is more likely to give the funny speech and the maid of honor to leave us tearing up, don't discount the maid of honor's ability to get the whole room laughing. I found some of the most hilarious maid of honor speeches and needless to say, next time I'm given the title, there's a lot to live up to!

Let's just set the bar low

"When I first sat down and started thinking about what I wanted to say here tonight, I kept thinking to myself, 'I can't believe Erin is getting married in less than an hour,'" said this maid of honor as she starts out the speech at her sister's wedding.  

What makes this speech especially funny though, is the nonchalant manner in which all of the jokes are told. She goes on to say how nervous she is and how she's trying the trick they were given in high school to picture the audience naked. "Yeah, it's not working," she said. "I'm still really nervous, and now I kind of want to puke."

As she goes on to welcome the groom into the family, she makes sure he knows how hard she's worked to set the bar low and hopes to keep it that way. "You remember that and we'll get along just fine," she advises.

Roasted and toasted

If you have ever been a maid of honor, then you know that the job consists of a lot more than you may have originally thought. Allie Cohen's sister, Shay, points out at the beginning of her hilarious speech, there's a lot more that goes into planning a wedding and oftentimes you're commanded into your role rather than simply asked.

When the mic is handed over though, it's all in the maid of honor's hands, regardless of the requests that the bride may have made earlier. In the case of this speech, the roasts and digs to the bride kept coming! "When I say I've learned a lot about who Allie and I are, I mean that I personally could care less about what the difference between a peony and garden rose is," she said, "but Allie does!"

You snagged a hubby and I don't know how

Just to get this hilarious speech started on the right foot, the maid of honor and little sister to the bride starts by calling her sister the wrong name. If you're hoping to break the ice and reduce the nerves, getting the crowd in a fit of laughter may just be the way to do it. Since talking in front of people can be a bit scary, why not toss your note cards to the side and instead just break into song?

This speech is a mash-up of a few songs you'll recognize like The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song, "Popular" from Wicked , and "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz, with new lyrics just for the bride and groom. It's hilarious, sweet, and definitely worth keeping a few tissues nearby just in case. 

Let's dance, dance, dance

When it comes to writing your maid of honor speech, chances are you aren't writing it for a hopeful standing ovation, but rather you're just looking to make it extra special, especially if you're like this maid of honor, Jess, writing for her one and only sister. What comes of this speech though caught everyone by surprise and was so hilarious and amazing that it earned her a standing ovation at the end.

If you know Justin Timberlake's "Can't Stop the Feeling," then you will definitely understand how this maid of honor earned her praise. "Cheers to Chases! Let's dance, dance, dance!"

When your sister does standup

When your sister is a stand-up comedian, it should come as no surprise that you and all of your guests will be left in stitches. "I want to start off with a little disclaimer," said maid of honor Adriane Hamilton. "A lot of you are aware that I do stand-up comedy, so I'm sure there's probably a level of expectation that I'm going to come up here and just like Richard Pryor the heck out of this thing." She goes on to say, "I'm not going to do that, mainly because I think it would be in poor taste to light myself on fire at my little sister's wedding."

Does she light herself on fire? Definitely not, but does she kill the speech? Absolutely.

Girls just want to have fun

As the youngest sibling in my family, I can't relate to the excited anxiousness this matron of honor felt when awaiting the arrival of her baby sister, but as she points out in the video, she was late. "She wasn't just late, she was nine days late!" she said. "Do you know how long nine days is for an almost three year-old?"

She goes on to tell the story about how on the evening of the eighth day, her mom picked her up and they danced around to Cyndi Lauper's "Girls Just Want to Have Fun" and the next morning, her little sister came to join the fun. I think it's safe to say after watching this video, the fun continued all through her hilarious musical speech!

Hopefully she doesn't pass out

"I am Katie's maid of honor, so for all you single guys, maid means that I am single so find me later," said Sara Snyder as she started her speech at her best friend's wedding. She went on from there to point out that her friend ended the bio on their wedding website making note of her hope that Snyder wouldn't pass out during her speech. In order to avoid the need for paramedics to make an appearance at the reception, she resorted to plan B, a hilarious and personalized rendition of Taylor Swift's "Love Story."

Everybody just toast with me

There seems to be a trend with hilarious speeches including musical renditions, remixes, and mashups, but does anyone have what it takes to rap their way through their speech? Jennifer Gabrielli proves that she definitely does. "There's going to be a lot of toasting, get your glasses ready," she forewarns everyone. 

If you have ever heard Eminem's "Without Me" then you will definitely enjoy this interpretation. "This looks like it's meant to be so everybody toast with me, raise your glasses if you're thirsty, cuz tonight we're here to party," she sings.  

If she wasn't funny enough on her own, take note of the guy getting the black hoodie ready. This guy had one job!

You are right

When giving a maid of honor speech, it seems that someone always has an opinion or request. For this speech, the maid of honor makes note of her mothers requests. "My mom told me two things: don't burp and don't curse," she said. "Well mom, you get one thing, I'm not gonna burp."

She went on to mention how it's hard to come up with anything else to say about her sister that her parents hadn't already said, "because she really is the favorite, I mean, ideal child." As she continued on with her speech and all of the sweet things that her sister has taught her over the years, she looked the groom directly in the eyes and reminded him to say those three special words every single day, "you are right."

Let's slow jam this toast

If you are a fan of Jimmy Fallon and his "Slow Jam the News" on The Tonight Show , then you are going to love this maid of honor's slow jam the toast for her speech. She pulls up the brother and cousin of the bride to join her in this hilarious performance! 

"Little cupid must have been in the air that night because his arrow found his sight," said Kevin, the brother of the bride. As the maid of honor takes the mic back she says, "Let me skip ahead a few years, you know, Leesha and Paul were living their life young, happy, and free, when all of a sudden Leesha fell ill with a case of pregnancy. Nine months later, here comes V, the perfect little baby who calls me D." 

Just in case you're not sure, they will make sure you know that this is how you slow jam the toast!

Memorable moments

While it may be tempting to try to recreate these amazing speeches, don't worry about trying to be the funniest person in the room if you have a speech to give and this isn't your style. If you're more of the sweet and sentimental person, own that and remember that regardless which route you take with your speech, the bride and groom chose you to stand next to them on their special day creating such beautiful memories.