self esteem insecurity essay

Essay on Insecurity and Self-Esteem

Insecurity drills a hole into a person’s heart, minimizes their integrity, and accumulates as plaque build up, hindering any kind of future growth. Just as any human being’s growth is stifled by the insecurity within them, the United States as a whole suffers the same from its own tremendous amount of insecurity. This lack of acknowledgement of self-worth causes a ghastly chain reaction; people tend to pursue the wrong ideals, become corrupt, and inevitably lead themselves to their own demise. Insecurity is a route to destruction, and America is speeding down that road to dissolution. The dictionary’s definition of insecurity is: “ uncertainty or anxiety about oneself; lack of confidence”("Insecurity," Oxford English …show more content…

Now, considering this aspect, one realizes how a person can not function with insecurity and low self-esteem; so then, a whole country trying to function and grow with its insecurity and low self-esteem is simply impossible. Insecurity in America exists in many forms as well as in many areas of the American culture. The main places in which insecurity permeates from are stereotyping, the media, and worst of all, condemnation by peers. With all these different types ways in which one can be provoked, it is no wonder much of America suffers from low self-esteem. Since America is a large melting-pot of cultures, unfortunately it comes with much stereotyping. Many people simply look at eachother, and based on prior situations, stereotype the person in front of them. While doing so, they don't realize how detrimental they are being to that person’s future. When one downgrades another, they not only hurt them emotionally, but hinder them from every growing as individuals. For example, in the United States , not too much time back, African Americans were constantly stereotyped as less than human . No one expected anything of them, and constantly put them down, so for that reason alone, many simply gave up, and just fell into the stereotype. If you address someone as a certain person for long enough, they will give you what you expect of them. Because of this reason, many Americans have simply given up and fallen into whatever

Scarlet Letter Integrity

Insecurity is something most people have witnessed at some point in their lives. Insecurity is the act of feeling inferior to everyone else, or frankly unconfident of oneself. A variety of people around me are able to mettle with this issue, but a small percentage aren’t. When it comes to insecurity, I am practically the queen because I just can’t seem to accept myself for who I am or have become since childhood. I have an absolute hatred towards for myself, and whenever the opportunity is present, I find something to criticize my myself for. The act is almost identical to being the most judgmental person in the world, with the exception that you are aiming the insults at yourself instead of others. I always have to insult myself and can never accept the actions I have made. There is always something wrong, something I could have done better or a detail I misplaced when doing something of great importance. I feel myself lacking some sort of greater potential that will lead me to perfection. The ironic part? I know that perfection is an impossible feat but I was raised so strictly on the idea of reaching perfection that avoiding the achievement is not an option. Thus, this is my greatest flaw and I am recognized through society as the person who can not stay positive or accept myself for

Self Esteem Essay

How can a person overcome depression is a common question in society. Though, what many do not consider when responding to this question is how a person's self esteem contributes to depression. Self esteem revolves around a person's feelings about themselves. If self esteem is not focused on in a person's life, it can contribute to negative feelings about oneself, which can be a continuous feeling throughout a person's life. With a low self esteem, people lose confidence in their decision making and therefore start to not believe in themselves. Thus, building a positive self esteem should be focused on in a child's adolescents because it is a time of major development in a person's life. Therefore, with a positive self esteem from a young

The Problem Of Self Esteem

Most people face self esteem problems at different levels. At some point in life people face this problem without realizing it. In the essay The Trouble with Self-Esteem written by Lauren Slater starts of by demonstrating a test. Self esteem test that determines whether you have a high self-esteem or low self-esteem. The question to be answered however is; what is the value and meaning of self-esteem? The trouble with self-esteem is that not everyone approaches it properly, taking a test or doing research based of a certain group of people is not the way to do so.

Low Self Esteem Essay

The concept of self esteem is widespread in life. When it comes to academics and extracurricular actives people associate high self esteem is necessary for success. Society makes promoting self esteem an important goal. With that in mind, it is surprising that only recently scientific literature began providing insight into the nature of development of self esteem.

Unit 11 p6 and m3

It is said that we internalise information we gain from the world and then we build it into our sense of self. In other words, when we human are praised and shown love and respect we gain high self-esteem and we forget about it and it doesn’t bother us. However, when we are cussed and something bad is said about us, we tend to think about it not forgetting it and those who experience this would have a low self-esteem. It is also said that those with low self-esteem others can increase it.

Low Self-Esteem To The 1970's

Some will argue that low self-esteem never was a time but that it’s a figment of imaginations. However, researchers have proven the increasing rate of low self-esteem. And if it is a recent issue, how come it is such a big issue. Or if it is a figment of imagination, then why do people face this problem different and why do they handle it differently?

An Army One Me Analysis

During the 60s and 70s, the revolution of the enhancement of self-esteem came into existence into the United States’ society. Jean Twenge’s article “An Army One: Me”, she discusses how the forced instilling of self-esteem, especially in small children, has caused the current generation to develop narcissistic qualities. One would presume that by the promotion of narcissism, we would inevitably discontinue the promotion of self-esteem. However, self-esteem plays a vital role in humanity’s search for

Construct Development and Scale Creation Essay

Base on the self confidence survey, we can realize that a person’s level of self confidence recognizes that she/he is responsible for the decisions that she/he makes. If a person believes they can achieve something, then they will. But low esteem will pull them down and it will be

Amee Latour's Article Analysis

Self-esteem is essentially how you feel about yourself and how you judge your value. It is a state of mind that can be changed. These days many people are having low self-esteem issues. In this article by Amee LaTour, she has talked about what are the causes of low self-esteem. She presents her points in the form of an article. This paper will review Amee LaTour’s arguments and will assess the quality of her writing and concentrate on any zones of shortcomings in this article.

Healing The Hurt Within Analysis

Self-esteem is a highly valued attribute of human personality. However, it is less mercurial than the ups and downs associated with everyday mood changes. Due to the increasing population finding themselves within various cycles of diminishing self-worth, high self-esteem has become less common today than in the past. These cycles, the most prominent being the cycles of media, perfection, and abuse, continuously revolve around themselves and lower the esteem of those within them. The root of low self-esteem lies within reversible social and psychological cycles of cause and effect, and only with the breaking of these cycles can self-esteem be improved.

Irish American Drinking Habits in Literature and in Popular Culture: A Self-Defeating Cycle

Stereotypes are not hard to come by in popular American culture, and truly in popular cultures the world over. Human beings seem programmed to make quick and superficial judgments about anyone who is or who simply appears to be "different" or "other than" oneself, equating race, ethnicity, skin color, and/or country of origin with a set of specific attitudes, values, and behaviors that are often insultingly oversimplified and incorrect. The United States has had more than its share of struggles with accepting newcomers and dealing with minorities of all stripes, possibly due to the fact that the nation has a rich history of immense immigration that has led to higher levels of multi-ethnic and multicultural interactions and social pressures than have existed in many other nations.

Glamour In Walden

This quote also goes to both males and females in our society. Most females that I know that come to this school get insecure when they feel they are putting on a little weight or having some acne on their face. While on the other hand males that I know get insecure when they feel they are not needed or even some get insecure from not getting enough attention from someone they want attention from.

Insecurity Problem

Though it is weaker, it is still competing with my insecurity to be lens with which I view the world. In nature when two species compete to have the same niche, or position in an environment, one species goes extinct. By feeding my self-confidence, I hope to let it enjoy my perceptions. I know insecurities are like other parasites and they come from others when we are young. Hearing other people say horrible things about me caused me to nurse insecurity. Every time insecurity snarls a suspicion about a person yanking its leash is necessary to discipline the

Self-Thrubt

Self-doubt is the pinnacle of disappointment. Under the category of "disappointment", self-doubt is the main subject to where people mostly project about themselves. Some people,

My Personal Feelings of Self Worth Essay

People’s self-esteem either high or low is shaped by their life experiences. I believe a person’s self-esteem begins to take shape at an early age, with their parents being a major influence. Kind, positive, knowledgeable and caring parents help children create a positive self-image. Parents who do not feel good about themselves or others, sometimes take it out on their childern by belittling them or discouraging them. This leads the child down a path of self-doubt and eventually given the right circumstances a lower self-esteem.

Related Topics

• F. Scott Fitzgerald
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How to Overcome Insecurity: Why Am I So Insecure?

We are called a narcissistic generation. We are told that technology and social media are giving us an inflated sense of self. But most of us don’t walk around feeling like we are all that great. In fact, there is one underlying emotion that overwhelmingly shapes our self-image and influences our behavior, and that is insecurity. If you could enter the minds of people around you, even the narcissistic ones, you’re likely to encounter ceaseless waves of insecurity. A recent survey found that 60 percent of women experience hurtful, self-critical thoughts on a weekly basis.

In their research, father-and-daughter psychologists Drs. Robert and Lisa Firestone used an assessment tool known as the Firestone Assessment for Self-Destructive Thoughts (FAST) to evaluate people’s self-attacks (or “ critical inner voices ”) along a continuum. What they found is that the most common self-critical thought people have toward themselves is that they are different – not in a positive sense, but in some negative, alienating way. Whether our self-esteem is high or low, one thing is clear; we are a generation that compares, evaluates and judges ourselves with great scrutiny. By understanding where this insecurity comes from, why we are driven to put ourselves down and how this viewpoint affects us, we can start to challenge and overcome the destructive inner critic that limits our lives.

Why am I so insecure? What causes insecurity?

There is an internal dialogue that accompanies our feelings of insecurity. This is called the “ critical inner voice .” Dr. Lisa Firestone, who co-authored the book Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice wrote, “The critical inner voice is formed out of painful early life experiences in which we witnessed or experienced hurtful attitudes toward us or those close to us. As we grow up, we unconsciously adopt and integrate this pattern of destructive thoughts toward ourselves and others.”

So, what events or attitudes shape this inner critic? The experiences we have with our influential early caretakers can be at the root of our insecurity as adults. Imagine a child being yelled at by a parent. “You’re so spaced out! Can’t you figure anything out on your own?” Then, imagine the negative comments and attitudes parents express toward themselves. “I look terrible in this. I’m so fat.” These attitudes don’t even have to be verbalized to influence the child. A parent’s absence can leave children feeling insecure and believing there is something fundamentally wrong with them. An intrusive parent can cause children to become introverted or self-reliant in ways that make them feel insecure or untrusting of others. Studies  have even shown that exaggerated praise can be damaging to a child’s self-esteem.

The reason for this is that children must feel seen for who they are in order to feel secure. A lot of our issues with insecurity can come from our early attachment style. Dr. Daniel Siege l, author of Parenting from the Inside Out , says the key to healthy attachment is in the four S’s, feeling safe, seen, soothed and secure. Whether children are being shamed or praised, they are, most likely, not feeling seen by the parent for who they really are. They may start to feel insecurity and lose a sense of their actual abilities.

A healthy attitude for parents to maintain is to see themselves and their children realistically and to treat them with acceptance and compassion. The best way a parent can support their children is to allow them to find something that is unique to them – something that lights them up and that they will work to achieve. This activity must appeal to the child’s interest, not just the parents. As author and civil rights leader Howard Thurman famously said, ““Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”

As the child pursues whatever interest makes them “come alive,” the parent should offer support and acknowledgment for the effort involved as opposed to focusing too much on the result. It’s the difference between saying “What a stunning picture. You are the best artist I’ve seen” and saying, “I love the way you used so many colors. It’s awesome that you worked so hard on this. What gave you that idea?” This practice helps a child establish a sense of self-worth.

The Effect of Insecurity

It’s clear that there are many things that shape our critical inner voice, from negative attitudes directed toward us to attitudes our parents had toward themselves. As we get older, we internalize these points of view as our own. We keep these attitudes alive by believing in our insecurities as we go along in life. The most common critical inner voices Dr.’s Robert and Lisa Firestone found people to experience throughout their day include:

• You’re stupid.
• You’re unattractive.
• You never get anything right.
• You’re not like other people.
• You’re a failure.
• You’re fat.
• You’re such a loser.
• You’ll never make friends.
• No one will ever love you.
• You’ll never be able to quit drinking (smoking etc).
• You’ll never accomplish anything.
• What’s the point in even trying?

  Like a mean coach, this voice tends to get louder as we get closer to our goals. “You’re gonna screw up any minute. Everyone will realize what a failure you are. Just quit before it’s too late.” Oftentimes, we react to these thoughts before we even realize we are having them. We may grow shy at a party, pull back from a relationship, project these attacks onto the people around us or act out toward a friend, partner or our children. Just imagine what life would be like if you didn’t hear any of these mean thoughts echo in your head. Imagine what reality might actually look like if you could live free of this prescribed insecurity.

Insecurity at Work

Insecurity can affect us in countless areas of our lives. Every person will notice their inner critic being more vocal in one area or another. For example, you may feel pretty confident at work but completely lost in your love life or vice versa. You may even notice that when one area improves, the other deteriorates. Most of us can relate, at one time or another, to having self-sabotaging thoughts toward ourselves about our career. Old feelings that we are incompetent or that we will never be acknowledged or appreciated can send our insecurities through the roof. Some common critical inner voices about one’s career include:

• You don’t know what you’re doing.
• Why do they expect you to do everything yourself?
• Who do you think you are? You’ll never be successful.
• You’re under too much pressure. You can’t take it.
• You’ll never get everything done. You’re so lazy.
• You should just put this off until tomorrow.
• No one appreciates you.
• You’d better be perfect, or you’ll get fired.
• Nobody likes you here.
• Put your career first. Don’t take time for yourself.
• When are you ever going to get a real job?
• No one would hire you.

Insecurity in Relationships

Whether we are single, dating or in a serious, long-term relationship, there are many ways our critical inner voice can creep in to our romantic lives. Relationships, in particular, can stir up past hurts and experiences. They can awaken insecurities we’ve long buried and bring up emotions we don’t expect. Moreover, many of us harbor unconscious fears of intimacy . Being close to someone else can shake us up and bring these emotions and critical inner voices even closer to the surface. Listening to this inner critic can do serious damage to our interpersonal relationships. It can cause us to feel desperate toward our partner or pull back when things start to get serious. It can exaggerate feelings of jealousy or possessiveness or leave us feeling rejected and unworthy. Common critical inner voices we have toward ourselves about relationships include:

• You’re never going to find another person who understands you.
• Don’t get too hooked on her.
• He doesn’t really care about you.
• She is too good for you.
• You’ve got to keep him interested.
• You’re better off on your own.
• As soon as she gets to know you, she will reject you.
• You’ve got to be in control.
• It’s your fault if he gets upset.
• Don’t be too vulnerable or you’ll just wind up getting hurt.

    In this Webinar:  Having a healthy self-perception has been said to predict our health and well-being. Yet, staggering statistics continue to show our…

How Can I Overcome Insecurity?

Once we have a better sense of where our insecurity comes from and the profound influence it is having on our lives, we can begin to challenge it. We can start by interrupting the critical inner voice process. Voice Therapy is a cognitive/affective/behavioral approach developed by Dr. Robert Firestone to help people overcome their critical inner voice. There are five important steps to this process, which I will briefly outline. To learn about Voice Therapy in more depth click here .

The first step of Voice Therapy involves vocalizing your self-critical thoughts in the second person. You can also write down these thoughts. Instead of writing “I am so stupid. What is the matter with me? I’ll never be successful,” you would write, “You are so stupid. You will never be successful.” This process helps you to separate from these vicious attacks by seeing them as an external enemy instead of your real point of view. This process can also be an emotional one, as saying these statements can bring up underlying feelings from the past.

In the second step, you can start to think and talk about the insights and reactions you have to exposing these mean thoughts. Do they remind you of anyone or anything from your past? It can be helpful to uncover the relationship between these voice attacks and the early life experiences that helped shape them. This too will allow you to feel some self-compassion and reject these attitudes as accurate reflections of who you are.

People often struggle with the third step of this process, because it involves standing up to long-held beliefs and insecurities about oneself. You will answer back to your voice attacks, expressing your real point of view. You can write down rational and realistic statements about how you really are. Respond to your attacks the way you would to a friend who was saying these things about him or herself, with compassion and kindness.

In step five of Voice Therapy, you start to make a connection between how the voice attacks are influencing your present-day behaviors. How do they affect you at work? With your partner? As a parent? In your personal ambitions? Do they undermine you? What events trigger the insecurity? In what areas is this insecurity most influential?

The final step involves making a plan to change these behaviors. If insecurity is keeping you from asking someone on a date or going after a promotion, it’s time to do the actions anyway. If you’re indulging in self-hating thoughts that encourage you to engage in self-destructive behaviors, it’s time to interrupt these behaviors and unleash the real you.

This process will not be easy. With change always comes anxiety. These defenses and critical inner voices have been with you your whole life, and they can feel uncomfortable to challenge. When you do change, expect the voices to get louder. Your insecurities aren’t likely to vanish overnight, but slowly, through perseverance, they will start to weaken. Whenever you notice an attack come up, stand up to it and don’t indulge in its directives. If you want to be healthy, don’t let it lure you to avoid exercise. If you want to get closer to your partner, don’t listen when it tells you to hold back your affections.

Join Dr. Lisa Firestone for a Webinar on Overcoming Insecurity

As you sweat through this tough but very worthy transition, it is important to practice self-compassion. Research by Dr. Kristin Neff found self-compassion to be far more psychologically beneficial than self-esteem. Self-esteem still focuses on evaluation and performance, where self-compassion encourages an attitude of kindness and patience. Self-esteem can increase our levels of insecurity, where self-compassion asks us to slow down and assign ourselves value simply for being human. Once we realize our own strength and importance, once we see the ways we’ve been hurt and can feel for ourselves on a deep level, we can actually start to break free of the chains that hold us back. We can shed the insecurities of our past and become the people we want to be.

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146 Comments

I sometimes feel insecure and as much as i try i never seem to stop hearing those critical inner voices everyday theyre louder and louder and louder i try and try but it never works

I keep having this feeling that im a failure and all I do is fail .My Critical inner voices get louder everyday and every time I cant think straight and the sad part is that I have an interview in 2 weeks time and im so scared to pick up my books to even read incase it might be an exam I get so scared that I always think im going to fail and disappoint everyone ,my mum ,my dad and my elder sister they’re all counting on me but i keep thinking that im hoping to fail and I dont know what to do 😞

You not a failure tell yourself that then go do it and see how it goes.

the inner voice you are hearing is not your voice. it’s the dark voice that is against your success. i advice you to read something like positive affirmation books, law of attraction books or even the bible. when the dark voice say you are a failure, say to that voice I am a successor, I am a winner, I will make, I am strong.

At times insecurity cripples me and my relationship. My (sometimes) success comes from deep within. Instead of reacting right away to the accelerant, take a breath and think…. think about the outcome if you say it. You will look weak,possessive self destructive,worthless etc… other people see it! PERIOD! Your not that good at hiding it! Let your feelings become disgusted toward your insecurities! When we are disgusted by something do we not back away, prevent or become sick?

Thank you, it’s good (in that way I need) to know that the exact same thoughts are expressed by someone else… this is my first time even googling help with my insecurities, I feel that there is an actual goal I may reach! I want it that bad! 🙂

Thank You to both of you. This has done damage to my relationship as well, and needed to know i’m not alone as well. The first reply couldn’t be more true of my past experiences, I thought I was hiding it, but it almost made it more prevelant. I need to tell myself to be angry at why i’m being insecure, and there is a much better person inside of me.

I am your friend. “All the brethren of the poor [uncertain or anxious about oneself] do hate him, how much more do his friends go far from him? He pursues them with words, yet they abandon him.” Proverbs: 19:7 I was made a life long family scapegoat because of my mother’s failings. I seem to invite spitefulness everywhere, just by existing.

I was surely blessed with this piece… thanks for sharing and surely I have not remained the same. I am purposed to fight my insecurities…. keep positive and share with my other fellows struggling with the same. Thanks allot

This is by far the most informative article tagging everything that is presently looming in my life. This made my day and gives me hope for the change I so desperately seek.

I hope you’re doing okay now James its been 4 years already, how you holdin’ up?

I do need help with my marriage. I am insecure and I have been married a long time. I don’t get the attention I need and I do throw a fit in an angry way to deal with it. I stir up the fights and swear out loud. I feel I am in control when I do so. Also makes me feel better. Any advice is appreciated

Look up attachment theory, specifically anxious-avoidant relationships. I think that may help

Gosh. Every t I m e I am about to take that next step of committing to my present day crush..if we tell each other we like each other and decide we will be in a relationship ship.. I sense the passion immediately fading away. From fear? That they’re just going to use me or cheat and lie and leave me? From doubt? That it isn’t going to work out in the long haul there’s no way they’re the one or that its even worth investing time in something bound to fail. From social experience? Seeing other guys and girls in relationships flirt around and sleep around on their partners concludes that yes everyone must be doing it so my boyfriend is too!? I feel jealous or worried when a gorgeous girl is around him because I picture him being more attracted to her looks and style and flirty personality. Because in a small moment he is. It is the way human attraction works. But doesn’t necessarily mean im ugly and he doesn’t want me. That moment though drives me insane and I hate myself for not being the fittest or hottest so he doesn’t have to admire other women. Very very unrealistic but I try to hold myself to high standard and it only backfires.

I am insecure for sure. But because I am afraid of rejection and being left in the end. Which I make happen by putting so much focus and energy on the worry It fucks up trust, our communication line, happiness, romance and passion. Sex becomes a sad game of feeling used or more in control.

I just wanted to share that negativity because it’s real. It has taken over my life But only when I am courting another. I am trying to brave myself into this new potential relationship but I already have ran my guy through the wire a hundred times assuming what he’s really doing and being paranoid accusing him of cheating and he probably will just end up doing so. Because I’m so unattractive like this.

My goal for today is to love my love the way I truly feel for him and smile at him and kiss him and appreciate him for sticking it through one more day. Not accuse or demand answers for conjured up in my head. I will be the beautiful soul I carry within and it will shine through my physical body. Confidence is key and I am accepting of my flaws and radiating my assets like they’re the the best thing since the invention of the internet lol

i just want to say, i can relate to you so much, you are not alone, but the way you are determined to love yourself and conquer your fears by shining your own light on your own worth is really inspiring. Thanks for your comment!

Thank you so much.

This article is helping me tremendously. Understanding why I am insecure, I can now focus on how to transition my ways of thinking. Thank you.

Nce article. Been going thru lots of negative thoughts. As of today l will try on being more accepting of myself. Want to be full of energy and feel great about being me. W

Thank you for effort in wanting to help others. And I truly hope there will be some relief for some because of your suggestions. My situation is so much more complex than being ridiculed by parents or significant others. I’ve come to realize, finally, in my early sixties, that what I am experiencing was a path that was predestined before my birth. As in my souls Karmic cycle. Because of this learning curve, I have learned to accept that I will finish out this life with very few people with whom I can really relate to, and who genuinely care for me, as me. One of my favorite quotes: “Receive with simplicity, everything that happens to you.” Works for me.

This article has been a tremendous help. I struggle with a lot of self identity/image issues. Writing it out, and facing these things was terribly emotional, but absolutely needed. Just doing those things was a huge step for me. Over the years I’ve become complacent with my insecurities, and have done little, if anything, to change them.

After reading, and going though my own steps, I feel like the “bed for change” has been made.

Thank you, again.

I will try this method out I’ve been struggling with my insecurities really my whole life a lot of the article is why I’ve struggled with insecurities. Growing up with a lot of mental abuse and loneliness i am only 20 years old I just turned 20 I wish sometimes I had someone to talk to like a therapist but it’s 2019 and I barely got money for the things I need on a daily bases as much I feel like need to talk to someone I can’t afford it. I am a true believer in the lord I pray and talk to God pretty often I cry a lot too. I’m still at a stage in life where I’m trying to get on my feet and figure things out. I don’t talk to many people about my personal thoughts me personally I think I’m crazy or bout lost it , and I honestly don’t have friends and the ones I do have wouldn’t understand . Any who i will take baby steps at trying this and just continue to pray but my life right now is really depressing and it gets to me at times it really does. Sometimes I still feel like I don’t wanna be here.

I pray to God as well; and I know he answers my prayers, and that he will answer yours too.

I’m 32 years old, a solo parent and a struggling student. Been trying my whole life to improve myself but nothing seems to work.

I’ll be praying for you too, I may not know you, But believe me I understand what your going through, cus I’m going through the same thing Just know, you are loved ♥. This article was so helpful. Thank you

I know exactly how you feel. I’m the same age as you and I’ve learnt that it’s not what you pray about, or that you pray at all, but how you pray. If you pray about your insecurities, it’s that voice coming out again, and that could spiral into negative thoughts. So I pray about what I’ve done socially, with work, relationships etc. Thinking positively and that knowing you are a deep thinker can make you feel far more worthy than you think. Also, surround yourself with clubs and community as much as possible, but only in an area you can manage. Even talking to one person is better than a whole group as you can really delve deep into a conversation and assure that your thoughts are normal to many many people :))

I find this so helpful ,I’ve been going through at it over and over again, now I see some positive changes in my life. Thank You

to be honest people are mostly insecure about their apperance/shape of their body.. for example: someone will be stressed that they’re fat and their will be someone who is in good shape, but still insecure..

Im insecure about my body.

That is hard, being insecure about your body. Thank you for sharing that, and just know that you are not alone, and you have strength.

I am as well and I am not that old so it makes me nervous how I could change for the better

I find this super helpful, I always find that i am not good enough or that I am extremely different then everyone else, I also feel like I don’t always belong ): but this article has taught me some really amazing techniques (:

Very helpful! I found many of these critical thoughts play out in my head everyday. While I am very confident in certain areas, other areas are full of self doubt. I am going to ask my therapist to work with me on the Voice Therapy.

so i am not the only one who is insecure. 🙂 we can do this guys!

Thank you, big help at time of great insecurity ?

Recent events in my life have triggered my insecurities to the point where I have pushed my other half away and have pretty much gotten the feeling I lost her. Not only do I feel I’ve lost her but my family in general. This article has shown me things to help me counter these insecurities and I pray that I can get my family back and be happy once again. Thanks for writing this amazing article

I too had pushed my family away and now am closer to them. Hope it all went well for you too.

I am going through this as we speak ..ive been dating an amazing woman for two years we got 4 beautiful kids together ..but due to my past and probably cause my parents split when i was 18 i spent the first 2 years treating her like shit .even though deep down inside my core she was the one i always wanted ..we had a falling out a few months back ..where from all the fighting we did i thought i couldnt handle it..when it was meerly me loosing my cool and not communicating..but i left to go live with a buddy..and that night i left ..i ..i realized how badly and how much in love i was with her..so we got back together ..unfortionatly i did not learn from my mistakes of lashing out during a simple fight ..and we ended up splitting for about 3 weeks..but during those 3 weeks ..i was miserable constantly blaiming myself and constantly thinking she is gonna be with a better man..constantly overthinking and analyzing shit.. to make a long story short..we are together now tryna work through it..and im thankful..but during those 3 weeks i awoken bad mind overthinking habits ive had since 18..and now the insecurities wont go away..im either overthinking shes gonna find another man..or she doesnt love me..or this will end..but when she shows me an ounce of security ..my mind goes to the overthinking process and questioning of is this the woman i wanna be with ..do i love her..just super negativity out of nowhere..and now i cant help but wake up and go to bed thinking about the bullshit that plagues me..i want to be happy with myself like i was just last month and also be with the woman i know i love at my core ..but the thoughts hold me back significantly .and i am not myself at all..

Hold on to how much she loves you…..hold on to what an amazing mom she is to your kids ……hold on and remember how she’s always will to make it work between the both of you…….but in the mean while fight….fight…fight….that feeling of insecurity…….don’t let it take away this beautiful life you’ve made……fight it like how you would protect your kids from danger or harm…… take care

I am in the same situation I am insecure and have 2 little boys and I am being to clingy and needy and now my lady is saying she needs space and I am finding it hard to give it to her.

I’m in the same situation

Recently i have been thinking about starting a podcast to talk about insecurity, and interview people to talk about their own. I want to create a community, where people can feel safe to express their own insecurity, so that they can start taking action and overcome it. Also to show that there are many out there on the same boat. However, the ironic thing is that my own insecurity is holding me back, the thought that i would be able to reach no one, and fail is in my way.

I have been looking for this. I wish I had found this sooner. Here’s to a better and improved me!!!

Thank you. You said it all so well

Thanks for this article. Feeling really bad today. It gives me some hope.

is insecurity heriditary? because my paternal grand dad is insecure so is my dad, and i am beginning to be so too

I’m not sure it’s hereditary but many of the underlying causes this article mentions tend to be passed down from parent to child. Personally I think it’s more about circumstances than genetics but everything can have an effect to a degree. After reading this article I hope to focus on improving my own insecurities so that I do better for my children.

Thank you. What great insight.

Thank you for this information it has really helped me to think clearly about what I say about myself.

i want to do this so badly but i don’t think i have the strength to do it nor energy, i’m 6 months pregnant as well so this could be a factor in my insecurity, my insecurity gets in the way everyday with me and my partner but it seemed like my insecurities got stronger when with him. i’m thinking that maybe it’s because this is my first actual relationship that i love and i don’t want to lose it so i’m scared that something is going to take him away from me, i’m tempted every day to put makeup on and do my hair and wear pretty clothing because i feel like someone better will come along and take him and sees me struggle with my insecurities, he knows it hurts me and he tells me everyday that he loves me and tells me that i’m beautiful and i believe it sometimes but sometimes i don’t. he holds me when i can’t cope with my overwhelming thoughts.

I hear you on that. I am planning to tell my fiance tonight. I struggle with anxiety as well and it is killing me. When I got engaged, I experienced so much anxiety but we were living in different cities so I was able to pull myself together before we Skyped. Now were in the same place and between the anxiety and the insecurity I don’t know which is worse. One seems to trigger the next. I pick arguments with him without even knowing why. It’s tearing us apart and this in turn causes more anxiety, more insecurity. I’m a mess.

I can totally relate. I keep pushing my partner away. I need to get some help.

Hope you can get better with your struggle. I feel so much like you.

life has been a struggle.. BT thanks for the insight I really needed it.

Thank you for this article.

This is a very well constructed article, but I feel it caters to the general populace too much, I mean of course that’s what you want in an article that’s going to be posted on the Internet. But there was a reason I typed this in and read the whole article. I feel like there are many points I can take away from this as anyone could, but the insecure part of me that is unique to myself feels that this is all wrong and doesn’t apply to many many aspects of my own personal insecurity. I personally enjoy being insecure looking from 3rd party perfect ice as I feel it makes me unique, but isn’t that just a form of insecurity itself ? I’m happy with who I am and what people think of me, I’m just not happy with what I think of me. This won’t help people like me and I can’t find anything that can, I don’t even know if I’m looking for help… I’m just trying to understand because it’s interesting.

I am a 18 yr old guy currently in my second semester ,I am quite average looking, I used to feel insecure about how I look since I was a kid and I took those feelings with me till today, and here I am in college I still have thoughts of what people think about me even when they don’t know me , I read many articles regarding this and Today I will start overcoming this feeling that drags me down ,I also turn the bad thoughts into Power to aid myself and others ,I’ve always been training im the gym and this is definetely gives an extra source of power so people , you must face your insecurities to be able to get rid of them , its a slow process and it depends on how you feel inside , anyway thanks for this and I hope I helped

Hi, I loved hearing all the responses to this article and can relate to the person on the other end of the spectrum.. I Have been in a relationship which is currently at its end of 5+ yrs. I have dealt with this insecure man in ever way this article describes. First I would like to say that he is currently sober and has been for 23 years. I. Am Very proud of his achievement. On the other hand I have experienced his behavior of insecurity control impulsiveness adbandment, obsession , and jealousy. I could prob right a book on our past 5 years. Being in this rollercoaster of a relationship has made me not trust a man. It’s very hard when , especially the insecure person is in denial. It’s a constant battle everyday. He stars fight and takes tantrums when he doesn’t get his way. His mother left him and the family at such a young that he started drinking at 13 to self medicate his mother abandmant. They still till this day rarely talk she is very distant from her adult kids. This has effected him more than he can ever understand. I have read article after article been to AA meetings al alonon and therapy becuz of this torture I allowed , I allowed this to go on more than I should have, but love is blind. And I have been brot to taking more medication than I was described so I could show him how much it was killing me. I wanted him to see the damage he was doing. His first wife killed herself from Depressin and Being cheated on by this man for years he was unable t stop his addictions. He stopped drinking for 23 but didn’t fix the things that originally brot him there to begin with. All those surpressed feelings of adbandment came to the surface and made this man a living hell for me to be with. I always wondered y one minute we were so happy and the next he was out of control jealous obsessive and a control freak. He had such stinky thinking that took over his brain, which I don’t think he will ever understand. He used t claim I was places when. I Wasn’t and wanted to know my whereabouts at all times it was so suffocateing and dibilitaing. He eventually cheated on me and claimed I was doing it to him , but God as my witness I never did and couldn’t u figure out y he always accused me of it, but finally it made sense he put ha own insecurities on me to relieve his own guilt of what he was doing to me. He can’t maintain a relationship becuz he always thinks of it ended and ends it before he can get hurt but always has a back up to protect his potential loniness. I wish he would get the help he needs to help not only himself but his own kids who are experiencing these same issues with him, he buys there love rather than show them affection. He prushes them off tlike they are crumbs on a table. I lived with him off and on for 3 yrs, and dealt with being verbally abused and bullied constantly and him assumptions and projective behavior!!! it has made me scared to date again. Especially the cheating part. I am a very confident independent women and I feel that I will soon be able to find the right man and I will not tolerate any behavior that is even close to a insecure man. Also I was married to an alcoholic for 23 yrs. and feel that was not as bad as dealing with a sober insecure man. Just my point of view . Thanks for reading.

Thank you. I’ve been able to help myself understand the irrational self-doubt I have had looming over me with the help of this article.

Thank you very much. I’ve been trying to change but I had no idea how and this article helped me. Besides, after reading all this comments I realized that I’m not alone in this fight and I will overcome all theses feelings My father was and still is very critic to me. Everybody that is not like him , he considers weak and useless because he considers that anyone have the same capacity of him. It is hard fot me not cry everyday and ignore his critics but I will.

I really appreciate this post! It actually gives practical steps which is helpful 🙂

Good piece of research and writing indeed. I am hoping I will be free from these chains too, if it has happened to others why would it not to me! thank you

Thank you SO much. For the longest time I have been constantly bothered by the thought that I a not pretty, that he could never love me and nobody every would. I have been bothered by the thoughts of put-downs that are so crazy it would seem unreal. But because of this article, the thoughts have faded into the background. I could never thank you more!!!

For the longest time I just assumed i was different, and i let my insecurities destroy numerous relationships in my life. As I was reading this article, i couldn’t help but crack a smile as I realized I’m not alone. The article plus the amazing comments gave me a sense of relief that i could overcome this and would not let it define me any longer. We are all human beings and we are all amazing, and I finally feel like I’m a human being now too, so thank you very very much. I truly appreciate this!

It have been an amazing and nourishing article but like you said most critical inner voices are build up from bad past experiences….so what if i have something holding me down that i dont even know if is a problem but i keep thinking its a big deal….

This helps me understand why I’m so insecure because I’ve had so many people talk down to me… And how my parents’ marige is going is not helping at all…

Thank you all ..it was so helpful to know I am not alone who struggle with it.

I stopped in the middle of therapy. I found out, I (thought I) hated myself. So I would work very hard to please anyone in my realm so I could get self worth. Found out step parents really painted ugly pictures in my head. Then, done. Lost my job, no insurance, and I was left mildly informed, scared, and alone.

This article is wonderful. It will help me as i transition my life back to voluntary mental health therapy. I will read it everyday, as my symptoms are quite severe. I can already feel the chains breaking. The fruit from my worthy tree is starting to ripe. Light is at the end of the tunnel and all I have to do is remember the kind words in this article.

On the outside, we are handsome or pretty, smart, funny, loving… This article already covered the inside. Time to put the lies to rest, and set the truth free!

We are all humans, and therefore are entitled to all that entails. Self security. 🙂

This comment helped me so much. Thank you for sharing. I hope you are doing well.

Yes, what a beautiful comment! We are all worthy of love.

Thank you, so much!! I have battled with self hatred & such a high level of insecurity , I have hurt a lot of people & I have been a victim also. Pam I thank you for your openness & courage for sharing the way you did. I hope & pray everyone finds freedom , strength & success & the husbands & wives who support you & bring out the best in you all. I had a terrible abusive childhood & growing up was , abusive myself but I tried so hard to not be like the previous generations before me but as lifes tragedies unfolded I became my greatest fear , I felt like I was in a mental & emotional prison with no way out & no way I could hold down any relationship. Pam I hate to admit it but I have been that same person as your partner , but I seen many counsellors & Psychologists & became a Christian but yet , at times been like Oliver when I just cannot love myself & have a HEALTHY view of who I am … I know there is a part of me that is so loving & caring & wants to help others , but as soon as I enter into a relationship I am overcome with FEAR & insecurity .. I am truly grateful for this post , I never stopped seeking help I hope & pray this is the tool to set me free to love & support everyone in my life without restraint 🙂 God bless us all

Insecurities were waying me down everyday of my life and it got me feeling that they was no way to success but now they is no insecurity can way me down coz I would deffinetly deal with it thanks alot

~Feels so good to know I am not alone after all, you are all beautiful unique people! And this will make us stronger! Thanks so much for this article!!! Made my day and gave me a sense of hope~

Thank you tons! I finally feel like I could take a stand for myself.

This is amazing advice!

thanx…sir…

sir i m definatly try this

Super insecure guy here and I’ll say while this article helps, I don’t see how to get past my insecurities because of my situation. The article stated, “What they found is that the most common self-critical thought people have toward themselves is that they are different – not in a positive sense, but in some negative, alienating way.” I definitely struggle with this and the reason I think the self critical thoughts are true is that out of all my relatives families, (I have 4 uncles and 5 aunts) every one of them and all my cousins are successful in life. Successful being defined as gainfully employed and have the income to have children. Except my Dad and Mom. I think my Mom projects her insecurities on my Dad but with just reason because he is lazy and hasn’t asserted himself in life. It causes his insecurities to be even worse where I don’t think he even wants to try at anything. Including being a presently active father to me. It’s painful for me to think or accept that my Dad is a loser. Of course despite that I love my Dad and try to focus on the positive aspects he has. However what makes this more difficult is that I also gave up trying because of my insecurities and deep down judge myself as a loser. Knowing that my relatives probably look down on him, my Mom, and even myself and my sister, fills me not only with self pity but also resentment towards my relatives, my parents and myself. I try not to see my relatives and some have never made an effort to be close to them. I am content to live my own life away from it all and try to surround myself with people who are supportive. However I still have to see them occasionally at major events like the wedding I am currently attending. These insecurities have been crippling to the point where it is hindering me from achieving my goals. Cannabis and Netflix have provided some relief but I believe distractions like that only mask the issues and doesn’t help me overcome them. I sometimes want to leave society behind and run into the wild like that guy who died in that abandoned bus in the woods although I do not wish the same fate. If anyone has any advice it would be appreciated. Thx

Hello Jack. I My conditions if not the same is very close to yours as of the relatives. I had a wonderful childhood. It was materialistic . i may have had every toy that i may have wished for But my parents were never there for my emotonal needs and even caressing counts. And now my mom is going through somewhat they call Mid-life Crisis and that sometimes makes her lash out on me or my dad. And i am not blaming her for this in a way she has her own reasons. A few years back it was really bad for me casue my mom and dad really used to fight a lot and being a single child i had no one to share it with. Looking at my mom i became more and more insecure about my feelings without even really talking about it with anyone. Now what i have realized is that the less you think about this stuff the better you can focus on something that make you fee happy and helps you raise your self-esteem. I did that with studies and i am not that good in academics i was like a 60 % aggregate student. and now i am the class topper. I would just say that look at your condition not like a way to blame for your insecurities but as a challenge. GOD Or UNIVERSE (whatever you believe in) has given you this wonderful opportunity to prove something and believe me 24 hours a day is not short at all.. It is a perfect design. It is made that way so we could exploit it. Just work hard like make a plan.. and if you are like me you might get overwhelmed to read all this and act on it. But it’s really not that difficult. You just have to start.. There will be many times when you would be like “Okay that is enough for today ” or ” maybe i will start that tomorrow” but remember whenever these kind of thoughts come to mind just remember to start.. It will be so much fun that you would hardly think that you cant do it.. No matter how difficult it is. I think if I can do it Anybody can. JUst start .. that simple

Hello jack. Your history is almost the same than mine. My mother very insecure and my father very lazy and not a responsible father and taking my mothers money. now I am overcoming this mental illness. I forget the past, because already past. Greets from Honduras.

This article has helped me to see what and why I am unsuccessful in relationships thank you so much for allowing me to see the demons I must overcome and am going to stand up to , it’s time for me to live and for others to see the real me without the voices, I grew up being sexually abused and put down and nothing being good enough but it’s time to break this chain

This is so helpful, Thank you.

i have an insecurity with my legs. I am a dancer, and is doing basic ballet. But my legs arent proportioned with my upper body. It felt like my legs are too short to even do a proper split and plie. And whenver i stretch them, i feel very inferior. My insecurity affected my passion to dance to the point i thought that i was never meant to be a dancer because of my body proportion.

Now, im following these steps and will try to overcome it slowly. This very helpful and has lighten me up and gave me hope. I am depressed and anxious just because of this insecurity. Thank you so much

before coming here , i had sort of panic attack of insecurities.. so all i could to was to spill it out in my phones memory keeping thing. i was surprised to see what i wrote was already written here … I just hope these echos could go away and let me appreciate what i already have.

I plan to read and re-read this page over and over again because it contains some very valuable information – things that can change lives. Thank you for publishing it!

Thanks. This is coming to me at the right time. In fact, I feel like not leaving here so as to be reading it to myself even in my dream. I still need serious help as my past broken relationships has increased the insecurity in me. Thanks a lot for the information

I am insecure in every way , this is really helpful thank you.

I’m so glad I found and read this article thank you !!!

Thank you ,but please how do I asses my improvement

Thank you for this great article

I am a 53 years old divorced and now living with my partner of 4 years, she is amazing, funny, confident, independent and a million other things besides. I am so lucky to have found love a second time and have so much to look forward to including ambitions to build our own house ?. I have my own small business and my partner is a manager. It all sounds perfect but there is a but!!! I am massively insecure, Looking back I felt so safe in my marriage three lovely children a nice house and friends but think I have always been a little bit needy nut I don’t remember it ever being enough to cause any real issues or even be mentioned. I have been to counselling, read articles on line, books and blogs galore which have helped but not cured. I can go for months using positive thoughts to keep it in check then all of a sudden the most stupid of things will set of a spike it’s like a firework going off and nothing will put it out, I try hiding it but my partner can see through it and says its so obvious that I’m quiet or in a mood, I try to deny it because I know what ever I’m thinking is socially not acceptable and in the cold light of day down right rediculous too, I hate lies and lying with a passion my ex cheated and the lies that go with it are devastating from someone you trusted as your closed friend for nearly 30 years! Any way if I’m asked what’s wrong I can’t help it but it comes out and then all hell breaks out, I critise her and say it’s her fault, only when it’s all calmed down I realise it’s my irrational thoughts and she done nothing wrong so to cut an all ready long story short I’m pushing her away and leaving so many scares, she doesn’t deserve this no one does. I feel so guilty and think I’m such a bad person. I have just read the above article which has given me some real food for thought, I can’t recal where in my childhood insecurity has come from though. I so want to be cured! It’s so painful worse than any physical trauma

So, like everyone else here I suffer from insecurities that are affecting my new relationship. I met her and fell head over heals in love on our first date. It was so perfect I felt God had brought us together. When we first started out, she was the more insecure and told me so. So afraid to lose me every day and then something happened; the roles were reversed and I became or my insecurities came out in full force! Now we are engaged but I’m still insecure. She posted on FB about her new man,(me) and how fabulous he was and how happy she is. Then all of a sudden every trace of me is gone from her page except that she is engaged to me. She says it’s because people that post relationships on Facebook typically end up broken up. I don’t where this is coming from but three weeks after we started dating she disclosed that her cancer came out of remission and she was dealing with that. Also she is a single mom and getting no support she runs herself into the ground to support her kids. Her kids call me dad and love me but in the back of my mind is something going on here? It’s like being on a roller coaster where one day she is all lovey dovey and planning our move together and two days later she is run down and our conversations are polite and uninvolved. She tells me she loves me and misses me every day ( 3 hours apart) and can’t wait till we are married and living our lives together. The next day or so, nothing. We text all day but it feels strained sometimes and I don’t know if it’s from my insecurities or if this relationship of two months is going bad as fast as it came on. I would walk on fire for her and don’t want to give up but am so spun I don’t know if I’m coming or going!!!

Hi Mike, In my experience nobody is in the same mood everyday! Some days happy and full of love, the next tired stressed and not as high on love! Once the honey moon period starts to fade and reality of life takes over ie:- work, children, money problems and health all kick in, this can allow insecurities to creep in! After all who would feel insecure when you text each other all the time, have sex three times a day and tell each other you love be them all the time? From experience and reading various books and blogs I found one partner will generally start to back off / want a little more relaxed pace before the other. It’s easy for me now to see what’s happening when I read others struggling,but when it happened to me it was so confusing I didn’t know if I was coming and going!!! Ok so things that helped me – a counsellor once told me Buddhas believe ” everything passes” I took that to mean if I’m feeling the insecure keep busy don’t dwell on it and the feeling will pass, feed it and it will get stronger!!. I know it’s possible to speed the process up by asking our partner to tell us they love us and how much but that only makes us more reliant on others rather than self sufficient! ( I know it’s very very hard but it made me stronger) when we text our partner are we texting to get a response ( to satisfy our insecurity) or because we want them to know how much we care or want them? Looking at what you put about texting if it seems forced it probably is and in my experience it’s a normal relaxing of the relationship, I refer you to what I put above. Life is way to short to worry take each day at a time enjoy every minute. Hope this helps?

Mike, I agree with Paul. Pretty much everything. Just don’t forget, life is a struggle, and anyone pretending it isn’t is fooling themselves. We have to stay positive, wake up and choose joy, but some days are better than others. You are a new couple, so texting all day (not every day) is going to happen. That will probably fade, unless you really like being on your phone all day (I do not).

Take each day, one at a time. some days you will both feel like communicating a lot, other days will be more quiet. Try to learn to go with the flow of your, and her emotional state, that day. If you think something is bothering her, maybe ask her, but tell her she doesnt have to talk about it if she needs time. Life is a roller coaster for everyone. If you keep putting love first, and sounds like that is exactly what you are doing, you are on the right path. Don’t question it. Follow your heart, and be tough. Good luck

this article helped me to realize my insecurities

I have been suffering from this insecurity I don’t know that this mess is caused by the voices in my head thanks to this bloc i m going to work on the voices in my head.

I can realate to most of you and it’s not an easy thing to live with. My story started when I was a kid, from being teased to being told your ugly by your own grandmother and went into my teen years of bad realationships to being married to an abusive man. Yes I did leave after living in fear of my and myself after 20 yrs and today I am now married to the most amazing man , I’m happy but my insecurities from my past life are causing me to think that I’m not good enough or pretty enough and yes like you I worry someone better for him will take the one thing that completes me. I find myself questioning him about girls he’s friends with on fb and when he’s texting I’m assuming it’s with a girl. I hate this and I want it to stop!!!! I don’t like who I am, he can’t even play out ( he’s a guitar player ) without looking around the room like a vulture seeing whom I’m up against! It’s sad I know and I’m sure I look stupid but I can’t help it and I do try but fall back into the insecure net ugh!!!! Sincerely women who lovers her hubby

Hey Pauline I found it just as hard as you to get used to my partner getting random txt and worrying where the next threat would come from. The light bulb moment for me was flipping it around to thinking any amount of people can threaten, but my partner has chosen me and as long as I choose to be the best person I can then hey if we do split up I have done everything I could with no regrets, no wishing I had done things differently. Live every day to be the best person you can!

I thought I was the only one out here, and everyone else had life worked out ?

Amazing read, almost like a DIY but the important thing for me and for others, is to use it everyday and not for the sake of instant results.

I’ve found this helpful thanks. Some people are good at being a manager, it’s all about relaxing no matter what they don’t know you girl and as long as your trying to improve no matter what you’ve been through things will change never let anything bring you down 😀 don’t be scared just try hard and soar among the queers no one is better than the other in this world that’s a healthy attitude in it’s self everyone is special and have a purpose find your talent and if there is something about you to cause insecurities that can be a positive thang, never quit.

I’m only 16 but I’ve fought a lot of those listed above, and had grown complacent with them, but after reading this article it has given me encouragement and advice on how to conquer my insecurity. This is really helpful. Thanks so much.

I’m so glad I found this article. I want to stop feeling so damm insecure all the time. I want to “unleash” my true self. Thank you. ??

I loved the talk on self-compassion and the critical inner voice! The information contained in this article was exactly what I needed to read. Thank you so so so much!

Thank you for making this article. I was bullied by people which caused me to look at myself differently and I used to not care about what I looked like, but I started looking at myself in the mirror everyday and hating what I saw. I also became obsessed with eating less food and torturing myself just so I could lose a pound or two and feel better about myself, but it never made me truly feel good about myself. Fortunately, I had friends who helped me through it all and thanks to this article my life is slowly being picked up from the ground and being put back together like a broken puzzle. Thank you so so much for publishing this and God bless you all. <3

Thank you for this article! I now understand where insecurity starts..in the home. I had wonderful loving parents but always felt scared and alone…my father was an alcoholic and I had an emotionally abusive brother. My Mom worked full time trying to keep the family afloat She struggled with depression and anxiety. I felt invisible. I would stay in my room most of the time. I was very shy and introverted. So, this carried over into my adult years. I have always been labled as weak and fragile 8 hate that. Although I am now in my 50’s and have a few close relationships and a fairly successful career, my insecurities get the best of me almost daily. I hope this will help to change my way of thinking. For anyone else out there who is suffering, I think it is time we put an end to thi! God put us on this earth to be happy and to be good to others and ourselves! Peace and Love!!

Everything written above here is exactly what happening to me now and before. I will follow the steps and positively wait for the results. Amen!

I am 29, Latino and good looking man. But I never had a girlfriend, resings many jobs. Loosing pretties women. I have been dealing with insecurity all my life. Now I feel 80% healed I am very happy , I started to change at my 21 .has been a very slow process. My mom was insecure all her life and then transfer it to me.

I think my insecurity began when I was in elementary school. Now at 22, they seem to haunt my life completely. I’ve never felt good enough. It first started with my grades, my parents expected nothing but A’s. I remember when I made a B in the fifth grade— I burst into tears in the class room. (However it turned out the teacher made a mistake of my grade sheet). I’ve never felt good enough, always trying to please someone. I remember always comparing my body, i was never pretty enough or skinny enough. Even now I feel the same way. The matter is, I’ve never fully addressed my body dysmorphia. I’ve just tried to correct it. I would obsess over other women’s bodies. I’d diet, it wouldn’t eat. I’d also go through moments when I wouldn’t care and eat anything. The thing is— I’ve always been labeled as “skinny.” I’ve 5’10’’ about 145 pounds. For some reason I feel the need to be perfect. I need the perfect body, perfect grades, face, lifestyle. I spend hours at night reorganizing and color coding my clothes. But I’ve never seemed to get them perfect. When I was in middle school and throughout high school, I would redecorate my room, shifting furniture and painting for hours. There were many nights I just didn’t sleep. Many nights I just gave up because I couldn’t achieve perfect. Hahaha all of these tendencies stroll exist, but I act them out in lesser degrees. I still reorganize my closet every two months. Some months I still workout obsessively. My mind’s still searching for a recipe for perfection. I do understand my concepts about life are completely unattainable. Perfection doesn’t exist. I just want to be happy in my skin, and in my life… preferably before I’m 23.

I couldn’t even read this article, couldn’t get passed the examples like ‘you’re stupid,’ what a trigger.

I find this article very interesting but struggle with the 5-step example you outlined. I find it difficult to look at this “innner voice” as you call it as simply a voice because somehow it feels like the voice controls me so much as it were that all my bad thoughts have literally become a reality. It’s not just a feeling or thought but more something that describes me I feel.

But other than that I did like the article and it looks like it has some real truth to it. Sadly I’m not sure how to incorperate the message into my life for reason stated above…

This is sooo close to the Subconscious Imprinting Technique that we promote. Addressing the feelings/voices and recognizing them, even thinking about where they came from in the past, this is awesome! The only part I would add to this, is finding EXACTLY when, where, who trapped that emotion in your body (using muscle testing) … then releasing it.

Awesome stuff! 🙂

This article is amazing! It includes almost all the possible roots of bad feelings. It helped me a lot! ? I had really bad childhood. Today, from this valuable article, I understood that I should start to feel compassionate towards myself. It is so soothing to know I’m not the only one who had a lot of painful experiences in childhood.

This explanation was very helpful. I especially like the “voices will get louder” when you start to confront your inner critic. I can tell that’s when it gets to be the hardest and the author wrote this so well. Thank you.

Very informative & helpful but what can one do when the two most important people in your life are the ones making you feel insecure & they don’t even know it. & you know they’re not doing it on purpose, they love you, they would never want to hurt you but your brain just takes over & makes you feel so tiny.

I understand exactly what you are going through, i am in the same situation, also my partner is in the same situation too. In my case, throughout my adolescent and teen life, and even now in my 20s, my asian ass parents would constantly be reminding me that if you dont go school and get good grades, you will never make money and become successful. So i thought that to be true, however, i sucked ass at school, grades were okay, but nothing spectacular. what made it worse was that my brother didn’t go to uni, so their expectation of me got even larger. And again, i suck at uni, i hated, my GPA is struggling at 2.0, this made me questioned myself, how are other people so smart, why can’t i be the same, i probably wont be successful (otherwise don’t have a trajectory of going anywhere in life). Only recently have i decided to live my own life, and do what i want, however, that glimpse of insecurity is still there, making me doubtful whether i am actually good enough to do things. And even till now, my parents always seem to be on my ass, when i don’t go to work (i am able to work from home if i wanted to) they would always ask me why am i not at work today, with an underlying implication that they think i am not doing well. which bugs me, i try to not let it get to me but it still does. However, i try not to blame them, im trying to step into their shoes to understand why they are that way. They simply came over to australia for their kids to have a better life, no english, no prospect, they didnt believe in themselves to amount to anything big. Therefore, they slaved away at physical labour, trying to put their kids through school, their insecurities stem from the love for their kids, they don’t want us to go through what they went through. This is just one of my insecurities, however, that is the light that i am trying to shine on it. i want to take accountability for myself, i choose whether i let those insecurities cripple me from moving forward, or whether i tell it to fuck off, even though i would still be feeling it while moving forward. In saying that, daily, i still find myself procrastinating 80% of the time, either due to the fact that i don’t find fascination in my job, or it is because my insecurity is stopping me from trying hard so that i don’t risk failing. That is for me to figure out, and something that i will overcome.

Reading many of this story, it has really touched me deeply, i really want to create an outlet for the scale, so that people can openly voice their insecurities and begin to overcome the hardships that it brings along. I’ve been thinking of starting a podcast talking about insecurities, interview anyone who is willing to share their experience. So that a community can be created to help people shine a light on their insecurity themselves, and begin to take action on their own happiness and fulfillment. I am definitely not an expert, i do not want to give advice, i just want to show people that there are also people out there who are also suffering, and that no one has their shit figured out. And most importantly, i want to help lift my partner up, she suffer from major insecurities due to her parents who are mentally abusive towards her, which i have been observing, the cause of her lack of self-confidence.

I pushed someone who truly loved me away, just because I just could not believe he loved me. It’s like every time he would show affection, I would fear if I showed him that I cared I will screw up, so held back several times. And eventually he thought I was not interested in him and he left.

I’ve recently got back together with my baby daddy after 7 years of being apart. But was thinking of ending it again coz I feel unworthy of him. I’ve always had insecurities about everything in my life. Not successful in my chosen career, not confident of my abilities, not sure any man can love me long term, don’t know how to mother my 9 year old girl without destroying her real self(hv tendency to over praise & treat her like she’s 5). This article is an eye opener as it teaches me how to be self compassionate, concurrently changing the way I relate & treat everyone

Thank you so much for this very useful article.

I need help controlling my insecurities my jealousy

I needed this very badly. Been holding up my insecurities so long that people can easily let me down.

Firstly, I will a big thank you for this words of encouragement. While growing up, discovering the things I love, have always been told that I cannot do better. That am a failure. Am 23, but I still hear this inner voice telling me I cannot have someone who will love me. Because of this insecurities, I don’t have friends, I always want to be alone. Believing I cannot be loved. But after reading this, I believe I can overcome all my fears and insecurities. I want to love my self first and love everyone around. And heal from my past. Thanks

Im 24 and I still can remember how kids told me that I was ugly. I was at a kindergarden with my brother. They pull him away from me and told him not to get near to me. I felt so isolated and hating myself. I even got bullied. This year I fought with my sister, and she yell to me “you don’t even realize that you are ugly!”. Damn, it hurts me so much. After a long year I built myself up, those words brings me down. Well nobody tell me that I’m beautiful, so maybe thats how is it. I know that nobody defines me, but it’s so hard to say that I’m also worthy when nobody appreciates me. But I have to appreciate myself for who I am. I’ll be more compassionate to myself.

Sara i am so sorry to hear you have been treated this way. People can be cruel and dont think, and alot of times do not even mean what they say. It seems to me from reading your words that you have a beautiful heart and mind and that is what really makes a person beautiful. If you just keep learning to love and accept yourself more, exactly as you are, perfectly You, with flaws and all, then you can appreciate yourself which opens the door for someone else to also appreciate you.

Till i read this article, i didn’t know what i going through or my problem is insecurity.. i thought i was shy, socially awkward, shamefull.. just a one who takes the blame all on himself… But tgat was all the effect of my insecurity..

My mother used to curse me alot and my father used to insalt me very heartfeeling words.. i mean the type of insult that u would throw at your meaneat enemy.. Actually he also have insecurities at some point and he was angry at life.. and people there at work, would tease him for his insecurities.. Then he will come back home and load all these things on us.. he uses every word on us that has broke his heart.. He can’t speak for himself… And and he came home and insult us.. Matterfact I’m the older one and he puts alot of tones of demoralization on me.. He used to insult me like I’m retarded and different.. I would go and ask my friends if I’m that guy.. ant they would say , that I’m not. And then i become introvert, shy and all the negative things

But thank God i got some good friends and they helped me to feel normal.. I mean no one understand these things unless u go through it. For many years i hated my father and used to have no care for my mom. I thought it is because what they said was right.. i though it was because i was abnormally different.

Okay.. let me rap this up.. i wanna thank u for letting me know what my problem is.. and fo showing how to solve this.. you saved my life

Oh thanks so much for this, at some point I hated my self…. You have just saved my relationship

I have had my own fair or should I say unfair share of jealousy, attachment, marital conflicts as a result of my own insecurity. It took the concerted effort of great friends, amiable husband, family, and great books like the one written by Amy Christine, Overcome Insecurity and Fear in your Relationships. These books helped me to put things in perspective.

I was having a moment of insecurity and decided to find help online, see how other people cope with it. This article helped me. I also suggest people read the book written by Amy Christine titled Overcome Insecurity and Fear in your Relationship. Here the link below where you can find details about this. https://yourloverelationships.wordpress.com/2020/05/24/insecurerelationship/

I’m 18 and I’m always insecure about how I look. I wear eye glasses and I look good in them but I feel very vulnerable without them. I have eye bags that don’t go away…. people tell me I’m fine and all but it’s just hard.

In my own experience, conflicts arise out of each person trying to fulfill what they believe to be their needs. In many cases, the ones that don’t get resolved and cause scars on a relationship is when those needs are rooted in fear. I think the author’s advice on patience and allowing each other to go into a neutral corner for a timeout to process their emotions is important. I really like the Amy Christine method (https://yourloverelationships.wordpress.com/2020/05/24/insecurerelationship/) and I have found that whenever I feel resentment, using Christine has allowed me to trace it back to my own fears. Naming those fears and sharing them with your partner can melt the resentment and soften your heart so that you can truly have compassion for the other person. I don’t know who said it, but I really do believe that love is the absence of fear.

I keep having this feeling that im a failure and all I do is fail .My Critical inner voices get louder everyday and every time I cant think straight and the sad part is that I have an interview in 2 weeks time and im so scared to pick up my books to even read incase it might be an exam I get so scared that I always think im going to fail and disappoint everyone ,my mum ,my dad and my elder sister they’re all counting on me but i keep thinking that im hoping to fail and I dont know what to do 😞I try and try and try but I never have the courage to face it because all my inner voices are of all the people in my life and what I feel like i would hear from them if I disappointed them and everything counts on this interview my whole life counts on it if I dont make it into this university I would just be the failure my mind keeps saying I am I really love your article i mean it even made me say all this I just hope I gather the courage I need to open my books and be proud of myself and tell myself that im not a failure that I willand I can succeed and that I eill pass this interview or exam

Thank you. I was feeling so insecure before but after seeing that many people have the same problem as me I can try to improve myself

Yoh… It helped but am half way there

hi, i am Aulia, it’ great article , i just understand the differ level about self esteem and self-compassion. actually i want to make fashion that related with overcoming the insecurity issue, hope we can have more discussion for this, i am Aulia, Indonesia.

due to my insecurity with hair and acne I don’t even feel like going anywhere. All I see is perfect families and beautiful people. I am scared that I will be told I don’t look beautiful. I am scared of being not accepted by anyone. I am scared I will be left alone. I am scared. I don’t even like to see myself anymore. I am teen and I am just loosing a lot of hair and having acne. I lost my self esteem. nothing feels right. I want to hide myself until I become beautiful and accepted by society’s beauty standard. I am INDIAN.

In April 2020 I went on a short trip to pick up my daughter who was 36 hours away round trip was longer hit a snow storm. My fiance stayed home with excuses why he couldn’t come, he was off work due to shortage but was waiting to be called back in. He texted me along the way of my trip there were a few hours I didn’t here from him when I did text him that the roads were getting worse and the opp were going to be closing them. Earlier he bought some alcohol and said he was going to go to a buddies house. Months later I received a message from this girl who really likes my fiance saying she spent time with him they kisses showed me text messages. He denied everything because we know she like to break up relationships. But how did these text messages come about. Even his ex who he can’t stand and have a daughter together said he made passes at her to have a quicky. My insecurities are killing me every time he’s texting I come into the room he seems to hide it. I’m getting married in less then a month and I’m wondering if this is going to ruin us. Everytime I was to talk about it with him he gets mad for bringing it up. Idk what to do.

I really appreciate this article, it has opened me up to some things I never knew about, thanks so much for highlighting this critical areas in one’s life and how to work on it.

I’m getting to the point where I’m scared to go inside Walmart or even go out because I’m so insecure. I try to not care what other people think but I do. I feel like I’m not near as good enough as these other dudes and that messes with me.

I need help about my insecurity am going to lose my relationship because of it. I feel so much doubt in me that I don’t know how to get out of it

I have been having gender crisis recently and im scared that it might ruin my realationship. 🙁

I’m insecure about a lot of things. I’m insecure about things like how I am physically including my voice, my gender, my race, my sexuality, my skin, my height, my hair and face and eyes, etc, and it also comes down to things like what i enjoy doing. I am an artsy highschool kid, but the most I can manage is a quick doodle before i get frustrated and get too angry and discouraged to continue.

I didn’t think I would get good at anything. Everyone told me that I sucked at everything, and that I wasn’t trying, and that If I was, I wasn’t trying hard enough. People constantly compared me to other kids, sometimes people who went to the same church or school, or even kids around the globe that appear on screen. My mother signed me up for many kinds of lessons when I was a kid including Ballet, Karate, Piano, Singing, but I pulled out of each one, and my mother would constantly berate me for pulling out and still does to this day. I don’t want to try talking to her about it because she often just says that I’m not strong enough and I need to toughen up, and Maybe that’s true and I’m just overreacting, but I’m not sure. I am an excessively shy person that goes out of their way to avoid talking to people, and as much as I want to talk to people I always get too afraid at the last minute. My mother hates how shy I am, and always tells me to change. I try, but I don’t feel like anybody understands how mentally challenging it is to force yourself to do something that stabs directly at what you’re insecure about. I’ve said many weird things and had many bad encounters with people that have become the product of my fears and overwhelmedness, including acting freaked out when someone says something normal, going sour when someone reminds me take care of myself, running away from home and school.

I think it’s easier for me to say these things here because I’m behind a screen and nobody here really can know who I am. I am a hesitant person that when acting, often acts on impulse and out of fear or anger. Thanks for reading this far.

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Article Contents

Introduction, identity development and the sources of negative self-esteem, outcomes of poor self-esteem, mechanisms linking self-esteem and health behavior, examples of school health promotion programs that foster self-esteem, self-esteem in a broad-spectrum approach for mental health promotion.

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Michal (Michelle) Mann, Clemens M. H. Hosman, Herman P. Schaalma, Nanne K. de Vries, Self-esteem in a broad-spectrum approach for mental health promotion, Health Education Research , Volume 19, Issue 4, August 2004, Pages 357–372, https://doi.org/10.1093/her/cyg041

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Self-evaluation is crucial to mental and social well-being. It influences aspirations, personal goals and interaction with others. This paper stresses the importance of self-esteem as a protective factor and a non-specific risk factor in physical and mental health. Evidence is presented illustrating that self-esteem can lead to better health and social behavior, and that poor self-esteem is associated with a broad range of mental disorders and social problems, both internalizing problems (e.g. depression, suicidal tendencies, eating disorders and anxiety) and externalizing problems (e.g. violence and substance abuse). We discuss the dynamics of self-esteem in these relations. It is argued that an understanding of the development of self-esteem, its outcomes, and its active protection and promotion are critical to the improvement of both mental and physical health. The consequences for theory development, program development and health education research are addressed. Focusing on self-esteem is considered a core element of mental health promotion and a fruitful basis for a broad-spectrum approach.

The most basic task for one's mental, emotional and social health, which begins in infancy and continues until one dies, is the construction of his/her positive self-esteem. [( Macdonald, 1994 ), p. 19]

Self-concept is defined as the sum of an individual's beliefs and knowledge about his/her personal attributes and qualities. It is classed as a cognitive schema that organizes abstract and concrete views about the self, and controls the processing of self-relevant information ( Markus, 1977 ; Kihlstrom and Cantor, 1983 ). Other concepts, such as self-image and self-perception, are equivalents to self-concept. Self-esteem is the evaluative and affective dimension of the self-concept, and is considered as equivalent to self-regard, self-estimation and self-worth ( Harter, 1999 ). It refers to a person's global appraisal of his/her positive or negative value, based on the scores a person gives him/herself in different roles and domains of life ( Rogers, 1981 ; Markus and Nurius, 1986 ). Positive self-esteem is not only seen as a basic feature of mental health, but also as a protective factor that contributes to better health and positive social behavior through its role as a buffer against the impact of negative influences. It is seen to actively promote healthy functioning as reflected in life aspects such as achievements, success, satisfaction, and the ability to cope with diseases like cancer and heart disease. Conversely, an unstable self-concept and poor self-esteem can play a critical role in the development of an array of mental disorders and social problems, such as depression, anorexia nervosa, bulimia, anxiety, violence, substance abuse and high-risk behaviors. These conditions not only result in a high degree of personal suffering, but also impose a considerable burden on society. As will be shown, prospective studies have highlighted low self-esteem as a risk factor and positive self-esteem as a protective factor. To summarize, self-esteem is considered as an influential factor both in physical and mental health, and therefore should be an important focus in health promotion; in particular, mental health promotion.

Health promotion refers to the process of enabling people to increase control over and improve their own health ( WHO, 1986 ). Subjective control as well as subjective health, each aspects of the self, are considered as significant elements of the health concept. Recognizing the existence of different views on the concept of mental health promotion, Sartorius (Sartorius, 1998), the former WHO Director of Mental Health, preferred to define it as a means by which individuals, groups or large populations can enhance their competence, self-esteem and sense of well-being. This view is supported by Tudor (Tudor, 1996) in his monograph on mental health promotion, where he presents self-concept and self-esteem as two of the core elements of mental health, and therefore as an important focus of mental health promotion.

This article aims to clarify how self-esteem is related to physical and mental health, both empirically and theoretically, and to offer arguments for enhancing self-esteem and self-concept as a major aspect of health promotion, mental health promotion and a ‘Broad-Spectrum Approach’ (BSA) in prevention.

The first section presents a review of the empirical evidence on the consequences of high and low self-esteem in the domains of mental health, health and social outcomes. The section also addresses the bi-directional nature of the relationship between self-esteem and mental health. The second section discusses the role of self-esteem in health promotion from a theoretical perspective. How are differentiations within the self-concept related to self-esteem and mental health? How does self-esteem relate to the currently prevailing theories in the field of health promotion and prevention? What are the mechanisms that link self-esteem to health and social outcomes? Several theories used in health promotion or prevention offer insight into such mechanisms. We discuss the role of positive self-esteem as a protective factor in the context of stressors, the developmental role of negative self-esteem in mental and social problems, and the role of self-esteem in models of health behavior. Finally, implications for designing a health-promotion strategy that could generate broad-spectrum outcomes through addressing common risk factors such as self-esteem are discussed. In this context, schools are considered an ideal setting for such broad-spectrum interventions. Some examples are offered of school programs that have successfully contributed to the enhancement of self-esteem, and the prevention of mental and social problems.

Self-esteem and mental well-being

Empirical studies over the last 15 years indicate that self-esteem is an important psychological factor contributing to health and quality of life ( Evans, 1997 ). Recently, several studies have shown that subjective well-being significantly correlates with high self-esteem, and that self-esteem shares significant variance in both mental well-being and happiness ( Zimmerman, 2000 ). Self-esteem has been found to be the most dominant and powerful predictor of happiness ( Furnham and Cheng, 2000 ). Indeed, while low self-esteem leads to maladjustment, positive self-esteem, internal standards and aspirations actively seem to contribute to ‘well-being’ ( Garmezy, 1984 ; Glick and Zigler, 1992 ). According to Tudor (Tudor, 1996), self-concept, identity and self-esteem are among the key elements of mental health.

Self-esteem, academic achievements and job satisfaction

The relationship between self-esteem and academic achievement is reported in a large number of studies ( Marsh and Yeung, 1997 ; Filozof et al. , 1998 ; Hay et al. , 1998 ). In the critical childhood years, positive feelings of self-esteem have been shown to increase children's confidence and success at school ( Coopersmith, 1967 ), with positive self-esteem being a predicting factor for academic success, e.g. reading ability ( Markus and Nurius, 1986 ). Results of a longitudinal study among elementary school children indicate that children with high self-esteem have higher cognitive aptitudes ( Adams, 1996 ). Furthermore, research has revealed that core self-evaluations measured in childhood and in early adulthood are linked to job satisfaction in middle age ( Judge et al. , 2000 ).

Self-esteem and coping with stress in combination with coping with physical disease

The protective nature of self-esteem is particularly evident in studies examining stress and/or physical disease in which self-esteem is shown to safeguard the individual from fear and uncertainty. This is reflected in observations of chronically ill individuals. It has been found that a greater feeling of mastery, efficacy and high self-esteem, in combination with having a partner and many close relationships, all have direct protective effects on the development of depressive symptoms in the chronically ill ( Penninx et al. , 1998 ). Self-esteem has also been shown to enhance an individual's ability to cope with disease and post-operative survival. Research on pre-transplant psychological variables and survival after bone marrow transplantation ( Broers et al. , 1998 ) indicates that high self-esteem prior to surgery is related to longer survival. Chang and Mackenzie ( Chang and Mackenzie, 1998 ) found that the level of self-esteem was a consistent factor in the prediction of the functional outcome of a patient after a stroke.

To conclude, positive self-esteem is associated with mental well-being, adjustment, happiness, success and satisfaction. It is also associated with recovery after severe diseases.

The evolving nature of self-esteem was conceptualized by Erikson ( Erikson, 1968 ) in his theory on the stages of psychosocial development in children, adolescents and adults. According to Erikson, individuals are occupied with their self-esteem and self-concept as long as the process of crystallization of identity continues. If this process is not negotiated successfully, the individual remains confused, not knowing who (s)he really is. Identity problems, such as unclear identity, diffused identity and foreclosure (an identity status based on whether or not adolescents made firm commitments in life. Persons classified as ‘foreclosed’ have made future commitments without ever experiencing the ‘crises’ of deciding what really suits them best), together with low self-esteem, can be the cause and the core of many mental and social problems ( Marcia et al. , 1993 ).

The development of self-esteem during childhood and adolescence depends on a wide variety of intra-individual and social factors. Approval and support, especially from parents and peers, and self-perceived competence in domains of importance are the main determinants of self-esteem [for a review, see ( Harter, 1999 )]. Attachment and unconditional parental support are critical during the phases of self-development. This is a reciprocal process, as individuals with positive self-esteem can better internalize the positive view of significant others. For instance, in their prospective study among young adolescents, Garber and Flynn ( Garber and Flynn, 2001 ) found that negative self-worth develops as an outcome of low maternal acceptance, a maternal history of depression and exposure to negative interpersonal contexts, such as negative parenting practices, early history of child maltreatment, negative feedback from significant others on one's competence, and family discord and disruption.

Other sources of negative self-esteem are discrepancies between competing aspects of the self, such as between the ideal and the real self, especially in domains of importance. The larger the discrepancy between the value a child assigns to a certain competence area and the perceived self-competence in that area, the lower the feeling of self-esteem ( Harter, 1999 ). Furthermore, discrepancies can exist between the self as seen by oneself and the self as seen by significant others. As implied by Harter ( Harter, 1999 ), this could refer to contrasts that might exist between self-perceived competencies and the lack of approval or support by parents or peers.

Finally, negative and positive feelings of self-worth could be the result of a cognitive, inferential process, in which children observe and evaluate their own behaviors and competencies in specific domains (self-efficacy). The poorer they evaluate their competencies, especially in comparison to those of their peers or to the standards of significant others, the more negative their self-esteem. Such self-monitoring processes can be negatively or positively biased by a learned tendency to negative or positive thinking ( Seligman et al. , 1995 ).

The outcomes of negative self-esteem can be manifold. Poor self-esteem can result in a cascade of diminishing self-appreciation, creating self-defeating attitudes, psychiatric vulnerability, social problems or risk behaviors. The empirical literature highlights the negative outcomes of low self-esteem. However, in several studies there is a lack of clarity regarding causal relations between self-esteem and problems or disorders ( Flay and Ordway, 2001 ). This is an important observation, as there is reason to believe that self-esteem should be examined not only as a cause, but also as a consequence of problem behavior. For example, on the one hand, children could have a negative view about themselves and that might lead to depressive feelings. On the other hand, depression or lack of efficient functioning could lead to feeling bad, which might decrease self-esteem. Although the directionality can work both ways, this article concentrates on the evidence for self-esteem as a potential risk factor for mental and social outcomes. Three clusters of outcomes can be differentiated. The first are mental disorders with internalizing characteristics, such as depression, eating disorders and anxiety. The second are poor social outcomes with externalizing characteristics including aggressive behavior, violence and educational exclusion. The third is risky health behavior such as drug abuse and not using condoms.

Self-esteem and internalizing mental disorders

Self-esteem plays a significant role in the development of a variety of mental disorders. According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM IV), negative or unstable self-perceptions are a key component in the diagnostic criteria of major depressive disorders, manic and hypomanic episodes, dysthymic disorders, dissociative disorders, anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, and in personality disorders, such as borderline, narcissistic and avoidant behavior. Negative self-esteem is also found to be a risk factor, leading to maladjustment and even escapism. Lacking trust in themselves, individuals become unable to handle daily problems which, in turn, reduces the ability to achieve maximum potential. This could lead to an alarming deterioration in physical and mental well-being. A decline in mental health could result in internalizing problem behavior such as depression, anxiety and eating disorders. The outcomes of low self-esteem for these disorders are elaborated below.

Depressed moods, depression and suicidal tendencies

The clinical literature suggests that low self-esteem is related to depressed moods ( Patterson and Capaldi, 1992 ), depressive disorders ( Rice et al. , 1998 ; Dori and Overholser, 1999 ), hopelessness, suicidal tendencies and attempted suicide ( Overholser et al. , 1995 ). Correlational studies have consistently shown a significant negative relationship between self-esteem and depression ( Beck et al. , 1990 ; Patton, 1991 ). Campbell et al. ( Campbell et al. , 1991 ) found individual appraisal of events to be clearly related to their self-esteem. Low self-esteem subjects rated their daily events as less positive and negative life events as being more personally important than high self-esteem subjects. Individuals with high self-esteem made more stable and global internal attributions for positive events than for negative events, leading to the reinforcement of their positive self-image. Subjects low in self-esteem, however, were more likely to associate negative events to stable and global internal attributions, and positive events to external factors and luck ( Campbell et al. , 1991 ). There is a growing body of evidence that individuals with low self-esteem more often report a depressed state, and that there is a link between dimensions of attributional style, self-esteem and depression ( Abramson et al. , 1989 ; Hammen and Goodman-Brown, 1990 ).

Some indications of the causal role of self-esteem result from prospective studies. In longitudinal studies, low self-esteem during childhood ( Reinherz et al. , 1993 ), adolescence ( Teri, 1982 ) and early adulthood ( Wilhelm et al. , 1999 ) was identified as a crucial predictor of depression later in life. Shin ( Shin, 1993 ) found that when cumulative stress, social support and self-esteem were introduced subsequently in regression analysis, of the latter two, only self-esteem accounted for significant additional variance in depression. In addition, Brown et al. ( Brown et al. , 1990 ) showed that positive self-esteem, although closely associated with inadequate social support, plays a role as a buffer factor. There appears to be a pathway from not living up to personal standards, to low self-esteem and to being depressed ( Harter, 1986 , 1990 ; Higgins, 1987 , 1989 ; Baumeister, 1990 ). Alternatively, another study indicated that when examining the role of life events and difficulties, it was found that total level of stress interacted with low self-esteem in predicting depression, whereas self-esteem alone made no direct contribution ( Miller et al. , 1989 ). To conclude, results of cross-sectional and longitudinal studies have shown that low self-esteem is predictive of depression.

The potentially detrimental impact of low self-esteem in depressive disorders stresses the significance of Seligman's recent work on ‘positive psychology’. His research indicates that teaching children to challenge their pessimistic thoughts whilst increasing positive subjective thinking (and bolstering self-esteem) can reduce the risk of pathologies such as depression ( Seligman, 1995 ; Seligman et al. , 1995 ; Seligman and Csikszentmihalyi, 2000 ).

Other internalizing disorders

Although low self-esteem is most frequently associated with depression, a relationship has also been found with other internalizing disorders, such as anxiety and eating disorders. Research results indicate that self-esteem is inversely correlated with anxiety and other signs of psychological and physical distress ( Beck et al. , 2001 ). For example, Ginsburg et al. ( Ginsburg et al. , 1998 ) observed a low level of self-esteem in highly socially anxious children. Self-esteem was shown to serve the fundamental psychological function of buffering anxiety, with the pursuit of self-esteem as a defensive avoidance tool against basic human fears. This mechanism of defense has become evident in research with primary ( Ginsburg et al. , 1998 ) and secondary school children ( Fickova, 1999 ). In addition, empirical studies have shown that bolstering self-esteem in adults reduces anxiety ( Solomon et al. , 2000 ).

The critical role of self-esteem during school years is clearly reflected in studies on eating disorders. At this stage in life, weight, body shape and dieting behavior become intertwined with identity. Researchers have reported low self-esteem as a risk factor in the development of eating disorders in female school children and adolescents ( Fisher et al. , 1994 ; Smolak et al. , 1996 ; Shisslak et al. , 1998 ), as did prospective studies ( Vohs et al. , 2001 ). Low self-esteem also seems predictive of the poor outcome of treatment in such disorders, as has been found in a recent 4-year prospective follow-up study among adolescent in-patients with bulimic characteristics ( van der Ham et al. , 1998 ). The significant influence of self-esteem on body image has led to programs in which the promotion of self-esteem is used as a main preventive tool in eating disorders ( St Jeor, 1993 ; Vickers, 1993 ; Scarano et al. , 1994 ).

To sum up, there is a systematic relation between self-esteem and internalizing problem behavior. Moreover, there is enough prospective evidence to suggest that poor self-esteem might contribute to deterioration of internalizing problem behavior while improvement of self-esteem could prevent such deterioration.

Self-esteem, externalizing problems and other poor social outcomes

For more than two decades, scientists have studied the relationship between self-esteem and externalizing problem behaviors, such as aggression, violence, youth delinquency and dropping out of school. The outcomes of self-esteem for these disorders are described below.

Violence and aggressive behavior

While the causes of such behaviors are multiple and complex, many researchers have identified self-esteem as a critical factor in crime prevention, rehabilitation and behavioral change ( Kressly, 1994 ; Gilbert, 1995 ). In a recent longitudinal questionnaire study among high-school adolescents, low self-esteem was one of the key risk factors for problem behavior ( Jessor et al. , 1998 ).

Recent studies confirm that high self-esteem is significantly associated with less violence ( Fleming et al. , 1999 ; Horowitz, 1999 ), while a lack of self-esteem significantly increases the risk of violence and gang membership ( Schoen, 1999 ). Results of a nationwide study of bullying behavior in Ireland show that children who were involved in bullying as either bullies, victims or both had significantly lower self-esteem than other children ( Schoen, 1999 ). Adolescents with low self-esteem were found to be more vulnerable to delinquent behavior. Interestingly, delinquency was positively associated with inflated self-esteem among these adolescents after performing delinquent behavior ( Schoen, 1999 ). According to Kaplan's self-derogation theory of delinquency (Kaplan, 1975), involvement in delinquent behavior with delinquent peers can increase children's self-esteem and sense of belonging. It was also found that individuals with extremely high levels of self-esteem and narcissism show high tendencies to express anger and aggression ( Baumeister et al. , 2000 ). To conclude, positive self-esteem is associated with less aggressive behavior. Although most studies in the field of aggressive behavior, violence and delinquency are correlational, there is some prospective evidence that low self-esteem is a risk factor in the development of problem behavior. Interestingly, low self-esteem as well as high and inflated self-esteem are both associated with the development of aggressive symptoms.

School dropout

Dropping out from the educational system could also reflect rebellion or antisocial behavior resulting from identity diffusion (an identity status based on whether or not adolescents made firm commitments in life. Adolescents classified as ‘diffuse’ have not yet thought about identity issues or, having thought about them, have failed to make any firm future oriented commitments). For instance, Muha ( Muha, 1991 ) has shown that while self-image and self-esteem contribute to competent functioning in childhood and adolescence, low self-esteem can lead to problems in social functioning and school dropout. The social consequences of such problem behaviors may be considerable for both the individual and the wider community. Several prevention programs have reduced the dropout rate of students at risk ( Alice, 1993 ; Andrews, 1999 ). All these programs emphasize self-esteem as a crucial element in dropout prevention.

Self-esteem and risk behavior

The impact of self-esteem is also evident in risk behavior and physical health. In a longitudinal study, Rouse ( Rouse, 1998 ) observed that resilient adolescents had higher self-esteem than their non-resilient peers and that they were less likely to initiate a variety of risk behaviors. Positive self-esteem is considered as a protective factor against substance abuse. Adolescents with more positive self-concepts are less likely to use alcohol or drugs ( Carvajal et al. , 1998 ), while those suffering with low self-esteem are at a higher risk for drug and alcohol abuse, and tobacco use ( Crump et al. , 1997 ; Jones and Heaven, 1998 ). Carvajal et al. ( Carvajal et al. , 1998 ) showed that optimism, hope and positive self-esteem are determinants of avoiding substance abuse by adolescents, mediated by attitudes, perceived norms and perceived behavioral control. Although many studies support the finding that improving self-esteem is an important component of substance abuse prevention ( Devlin, 1995 ; Rodney et al. , 1996 ), some studies found no support for the association between self-esteem and heavy alcohol use ( Poikolainen et al. , 2001 ).

Empirical evidence suggests that positive self-esteem can also lead to behavior which is protective against contracting AIDS, while low self-esteem contributes to vulnerability to HIV/AIDS ( Rolf and Johnson, 1992 ; Somali et al. , 2001 ). The risk level increases in cases where subjects have low self-esteem and where their behavior reflects efforts to be accepted by others or to gain attention, either positively or negatively ( Reston, 1991 ). Lower self-esteem was also related to sexual risk-taking and needle sharing among homeless ethnic-minority women recovering from drug addiction ( Nyamathi, 1991 ). Abel ( Abel, 1998 ) observed that single females whose partners did not use condoms had lower self-esteem than single females whose partners did use condoms. In a study of gay and/or bisexual men, low self-esteem proved to be one of the factors that made it difficult to reduce sexual risk behavior ( Paul et al. , 1993 ).

To summarize, the literature reveals a number of studies showing beneficial outcomes of positive self-esteem, and conversely, negative outcomes of poor self-esteem, especially in adolescents. Prospective studies and intervention studies have shown that self-esteem can be a causal factor in depression, anxiety, eating disorders, delinquency, school dropout, risk behavior, social functioning, academic success and satisfaction. However, the cross-sectional character of many other studies does not exclude that low self-esteem can also be considered as an important consequence of such disorders and behavioral problems.

To assess the implications of these findings for mental health promotion and preventive interventions, more insight is needed into the antecedents of poor self-esteem, and the mechanisms that link self-esteem to mental, physical and social outcomes.

What are the mechanisms that link self-esteem to health and social outcomes? Several theories used in health promotion or prevention offer insight into such mechanisms. In this section we discuss the role of positive self-esteem as a protective factor in the context of stressors, the developmental role of negative self-esteem in mental and social problems, and the role of self-esteem in models of health behavior.

Positive thinking about oneself as a protective factor in the context of stressors

People have a need to think positively about themselves, to defend and to improve their positive self-esteem, and even to overestimate themselves. Self-esteem represents a motivational force that influences perceptions and coping behavior. In the context of negative messages and stressors, positive self-esteem can have various protective functions.

Research on optimism confirms that a somewhat exaggerated sense of self-worth facilitates mastery, leading to better mental health ( Seligman, 1995 ). Evidence suggests that positive self-evaluations, exaggerated perception of control or mastery and unrealistic optimism are all characteristic of normal human thought, and that certain delusions may contribute to mental health and well-being ( Taylor and Brown, 1988 ). The mentally healthy person appears to have the capacity to distort reality in a direction that protects and enhances self-esteem. Conversely, individuals who are moderately depressed or low in self-esteem consistently display an absence of such enhancing delusions. Self-esteem could thus be said to serve as a defense mechanism that promotes well-being by protecting internal balance. Jahoda ( Jahoda, 1958 ) also included the ‘adequate perception of reality’ as a basic element of mental health. The degree of such a defense, however, has its limitations. The beneficial effect witnessed in reasonably well-balanced individuals becomes invalid in cases of extreme self-esteem and significant distortions of the self-concept. Seligman ( Seligman, 1995 ) claimed that optimism should not be based on unrealistic or heavily biased perceptions.

Viewing yourself positively can also be regarded as a very important psychological resource for coping. We include in this category those general and specific beliefs that serve as a basis for hope and that sustain coping efforts in the face of the most adverse condition… Hope can exist only when such beliefs make a positive outcome seem possible, if not probable. [( Lazarus and Folkman, 1984 ), p. 159]

Incidence = organic causes and stressors/competence, coping skills, self-esteem and social support

Identity, self-esteem, and the development of externalizing and internalizing problems

Erikson's ( Erikson, 1965 , 1968 ) theory on the stages of psychosocial development in children, adolescents, and adults and Herbert's flow chart ( Herbert, 1987 ) focus on the vicissitudes of identity and the development of unhealthy mental and social problems. According to these theories, when a person is enduringly confused about his/her own identity, he/she may possess an inherent lack of self-reassurance which results in either a low level of self-esteem or in unstable self-esteem and feelings of insecurity. However, low self-esteem—likewise inflated self-esteem—can also lead to identity problems. Under circumstances of insecurity and low self-esteem, the individual evolves in one of two ways: he/she takes the active escape route or the passive avoidance route ( Herbert, 1987 ). The escape route is associated with externalizing behaviors: aggressive behavior, violence and school dropout, the seeking of reassurance in others through high-risk behavior, premature relationships, cults or gangs. Reassurance and security may also be sought through drugs, alcohol or food. The passive avoidance route is associated with internalizing factors: feelings of despair and depression. Extreme avoidance may even result in suicidal behavior.

Whether identity and self-esteem problems express themselves following the externalizing active escape route or the internalizing passive avoidance route is dependent on personality characteristics and circumstances, life events and social antecedents (e.g. gender and parental support) ( Hebert, 1987 ). Recent studies consistently show gender differences regarding externalizing and internalizing behaviors among others in a context of low self-esteem ( Block and Gjerde, 1986 ; Rolf et al. , 1990 ; Harter, 1999 ; Benjet and Hernandez-Guzman, 2001 ). Girls are more likely to have internalizing symptoms than boys; boys are more likely to have externalizing symptoms. Moreover, according to Harter ( Harter, 1999 ), in recent studies girls appear to be better than boys in positive self-evaluation in the domain of behavioral conduct. Self-perceived behavioral conduct is assessed as the individual view on how well behaved he/she is and how he/she views his/her behavior in accordance with social expectations ( Harter, 1999 ). Negative self-perceived behavioral conduct is also found to be an important factor in mediating externalizing problems ( Reda-Norton, 1995 ; Hoffman, 1999 ).

The internalization of parental approval or disapproval is critical during childhood and adolescence. Studies have identified parents' and peers' supportive reactions (e.g. involvement, positive reinforcement, and acceptance) as crucial determinants of children's self-esteem and adjustment ( Shadmon, 1998 ). In contrast to secure, harmonious parent–child relationships, poor family relationships are associated with internalizing problems and depression ( Kashubeck and Christensen, 1993 ; Oliver and Paull, 1995 ).

Self-esteem in health behavior models

Self-esteem also plays a role in current cognitive models of health behavior. Health education research based on the Theory of Planned Behavior ( Ajzen, 1991 ) has confirmed the role of self-efficacy as a behavioral determinant ( Godin and Kok, 1996 ). Self-efficacy refers to the subjective evaluation of control over a specific behavior. While self-concepts and their evaluations could be related to specific behavioral domains, self-esteem is usually defined as a more generic attitude towards the self. One can have high self-efficacy for a specific task or behavior, while one has a negative evaluation of self-worth and vice versa. Nevertheless, both concepts are frequently intertwined since people often try to develop self-efficacy in activities that give them self-worth ( Strecher et al. , 1986 ). Self-efficacy and self-esteem are therefore not identical, but nevertheless related. The development of self-efficacy in behavioral domains of importance can contribute to positive self-esteem. On the other hand, the levels of self-esteem and self-confidence can influence self-efficacy, as is assumed in stress and coping theories.

The Attitude–Social influence–self-Efficacy (ASE) model ( De Vries and Mudde, 1998 ; De Vries et al. , 1988a ) and the Theory of Triadic Influence (TTI) ( Flay and Petraitis, 1994 ) are recent theories that provide a broad perspective on health behavior. These theories include distal factors that influence proximal behavioral determinants ( De Vries et al. , 1998b ) and specify more distal streams of influence for each of the three core determinants in the Planned Behavior Model ( Azjen, 1991 ) (attitudes, self-efficacy and social normative beliefs). Each of these behavioral determinants is assumed to be moderated by several distal factors, including self-esteem and mental disorders.

The TTI regards self-esteem in the same sense as the ASE, as a distal factor. According to this theory, self-efficacy is influenced by personality characteristics, especially the ‘sense of self’, which includes self-integration, self-image and self-esteem ( Flay and Petraitis, 1994 ).

The Precede–Proceed model of Green and Kreuter (Green and Kreuter, 1991) for the planning of health education and health promotion also recognizes the role of self-esteem. The model directs health educators to specify characteristics of health problems, and to take multiple determinants of health and health-related behavior into account. It integrates an epidemiological, behavioral and environmental approach. The staged Precede–Proceed framework supports health educators in identifying and influencing the multiple factors that shape health status, and evaluating the changes produced by interventions. Self-esteem plays a role in the first and fourth phase of the Precede–Proceed model, as an outcome variable and as a determinant. The initial phase of social diagnosis, analyses the quality of life of the target population. Green and Kreuter [(Green and Kreuter, 1991), p. 27] present self-esteem as one of the outcomes of health behavior and health status, and as a quality of life indicator. The fourth phase of the model, which concerns the educational and organizational diagnosis, describes three clusters of behavioral determinants: predisposing, enabling and reinforcing factors. Predisposing factors provide the rationale or motivation for behavior, such as knowledge, attitudes, beliefs, values, and perceived needs and abilities [(Green and Kreuter, 1991), p. 154]. Self-knowledge, general self-appraisal and self-efficacy are considered as predisposing factors.

To summarize, self-esteem can function both as a determinant and as an outcome of healthy behavior within health behavior models. Poor self-esteem can trigger poor coping behavior or risk behavior that subsequently increases the likelihood of certain diseases among which are mental disorders. On the other hand, the presence of poor coping behavior and ill-health can generate or reinforce a negative self-image.

Self-esteem in a BSA to mental health promotion and prevention in schools

Given the evidence supporting the role of self-esteem as a core element in physical and mental health, it is recommended that its potential in future health promotion and prevention programs be reconsidered.

The design of future policies for mental health promotion and the prevention of mental disorders is currently an area of active debate ( Hosman, 2000 ). A key question in the discussion is which is more effective: a preventive approach focusing on specific disorders or a more generic preventive approach?

Based on the evidence supporting the role of self-esteem as a non-specific risk factor and protective factor in the development of mental disorders and social problems, we advocate a generic preventive approach built around the ‘self’. In general, changing common risk and protective factors (e.g. self-esteem, coping skills, social support) and adopting a generic preventive approach can reduce the risk of the development of a range of mental disorders and promote individual well-being even before the onset of a specific problem has presented itself. Given its multi-outcome perspective, we have termed this strategy the ‘BSA’ in prevention and promotion.

Self-esteem is considered one of the important elements of the BSA. By fostering self-esteem, and hence treating a common risk factor, it is possible to contribute to the prevention of an array of physical diseases, mental disorders and social problems challenging society today. This may also, at a later date, imply the prevention of a shift to other problem behaviors or symptoms which might occur when only problem-specific risk factors are addressed. For example, an eating disorder could be replaced by another type of symptom, such as alcohol abuse, smoking, social anxiety or depression, when only the eating behavior itself is addressed and not more basic causes, such as poor self-esteem, high stress levels and lack of social support. Although there is, as yet, no published research on such a shift phenomenon, the high level of co-morbidity between such problems might reflect the likelihood of its existence. Numerous studies support the idea of co-morbidity and showed that many mental disorders have overlapping associated risk factors such as self-esteem. There is a significant degree of co-morbidity between and within internalizing and externalizing problem behaviors such as depression, anxiety, substance disorders and delinquency ( Harrington et al. , 1996 ; Angold et al. , 1999 ; Swendsen and Merikangas, 2000 ). By considering the individual as a whole, within the BSA, the risk of such an eventuality could be reduced.

The BSA could have practical implications. Schools are an ideal setting for implementing BSA programs, thereby aiming at preventing an array of problems, since they cover the entire population. They have the means and responsibility for the promotion of healthy behavior for such a common risk and protective factor, since school children are in their formative stage. A mental health promotion curriculum oriented towards emotional and social learning could include a focus on enhancing self-esteem. Weare ( Weare, 2000 ) stressed that schools need to aim at helping children develop a healthy sense of self-esteem as part of the development of their ‘intra-personal intelligence’. According to Gardner (Gardner, 1993) ‘intra-personal intelligence’ is the ability to form an accurate model of oneself and the ability to use it to operate effectively in life. Self-esteem, then, is an important component of this ability. Serious thought should be given to the practical implementation of these ideas.

It is important to clearly define the nature of a BSA program designed to foster self-esteem within the school setting. In our opinion, such a program should include important determinants of self-esteem, i.e. competence and social support.

Harter ( Harter, 1999 ) stated that competence and social support, together provide a powerful explanation of the level of self-esteem. According to Harter's research on self-perceived competence, every child experiences some discrepancy between what he/she would like to be, the ‘ideal self’, and his/her actual perception of him/herself, ‘the real self’. When this discrepancy is large and it deals with a personally relevant domain, this will result in lower self-esteem. Moreover, the overall sense of support of significant others (especially parents, peers and teachers) is also influential for the development of self-esteem. Children who feel that others accept them, and are unconditionally loved and respected, will report a higher sense of self-esteem ( Bee, 2000 ). Thus, children with a high discrepancy and a low sense of social support reported the lowest sense of self-esteem. These results suggest that efforts to improve self-esteem in children require both supportive social surroundings and the formation and acceptance of realistic personal goals in the personally relevant domains ( Harter, 1999 ).

In addition to determinants such as competence and social support, we need to translate the theoretical knowledge on coping with inner self-processes (e.g. inconsistencies between the real and ideal self) into practice, in order to perform a systematic intervention regarding the self. Harter's work offers an important foundation for this. Based on her own and others' research on the development of the self, she suggests the following principles to prevent the development of negative self-esteem and to enhance self-worth ( Harter, 1999 ):

Reduction of the discrepancy between the real self and the ideal self.

Encouragement of relatively realistic self-perceptions.

Encouraging the belief that positive self-evaluations can be achieved.

Appreciation for the individual's views about their self-esteem and individual perceptions on causes and consequences of self-worth.

Increasing awareness of the origins of negative self-perceptions.

Providing a more integrated personal construct while improving understanding of self-contradictions.

Encouraging the individual and his/her significant others to promote the social support they give and receive.

Fostering internalization of positive opinions of others.

Haney and Durlak ( Haney and Durlak, 1998 ) wrote a meta-analytical review of 116 intervention studies for children and adolescents. Most studies indicated significant improvement in children's and adolescents' self-esteem and self-concept, and as a result of this change, significant changes in behavioral, personality, and academic functioning. Haney and Durlak reported on the possible impact improved self-esteem had on the onset of social problems. However, their study did not offer an insight into the potential effect of enhanced self-esteem on mental disorders.

Several mental health-promoting school programs that have addressed self-esteem and the determinants of self-esteem in practice, were effective in the prevention of eating disorders ( O'Dea and Abraham, 2000 ), problem behavior ( Flay and Ordway, 2001 ), and the reduction of substance abuse, antisocial behavior and anxiety ( Short, 1998 ). We shall focus on the first two programs because these are universal programs, which focused on ‘mainstream’ school children. The prevention of eating disorders program ‘Everybody's Different’ ( O'Dea and Abraham, 2000 ) is aimed at female adolescents aged 11–14 years old. It was developed in response to the poor efficacy of conventional body-image education in improving body image and eating behavior. ‘Everybody's Different’ has adopted an alternative methodology built on an interactive, school-based, self-esteem approach and is designed to prevent the development of eating disorders by improving self-esteem. The program has significantly changed aspects of self-esteem, body satisfaction, social acceptance and physical appearance. Female students targeted by the intervention rated their physical appearance, as perceived by others, significantly higher than control-group students, and allowed their body weight to increase appropriately by refraining from weight-loss behavior seen in the control group. These findings were still evident after 12 months. This is one of the first controlled educational interventions that had successfully improved body image and produced long-term changes in the attitudes and self-image of young adolescents.

The ‘Positive Action Program’ ( Flay and Ordway, 2001 ) serves as a unique example of some BSA principles in practice. The program addresses the challenge of increasing self-esteem, reducing problem behavior and improving school performance. The types of problem behavior in question were delinquent behavior, ‘misdemeanors’ and objection to school rules ( Flay and Ordway, 2001 ). This program concentrates on self-concept and self-esteem, but also includes other risk and protective factors, such as positive actions, self-control, social skills and social support that could be considered as determinants of self-esteem. Other important determinants of self-esteem, such as coping with internal self-processes, are not addressed. At present, the literature does not provide many examples of BSA studies that produce general preventive effects among adolescents who do not (yet) display behavioral problems ( Greenberg et al. , 2000 ).

To conclude, research results show beneficial outcomes of positive self-esteem, which is seen to be associated with mental well-being, happiness, adjustment, success, academic achievements and satisfaction. It is also associated with better recovery after severe diseases. However, the evolving nature of self-esteem could also result in negative outcomes. For example, low self-esteem can be a causal factor in depression, anxiety, eating disorders, poor social functioning, school dropout and risk behavior. Interestingly, the cross-sectional characteristic of many studies does not exclude the possibility that low self-esteem can also be considered as an important consequence of such disorders and behavioral problems.

Self-esteem is an important risk and protective factor linked to a diversity of health and social outcomes. Therefore, self-esteem enhancement can serve as a key component in a BSA approach in prevention and health promotion. The design and implementation of mental health programs with self-esteem as one of the core variables is an important and promising development in health promotion.

The authors are grateful to Dr Alastair McElroy for his constructive comments on this paper. The authors wish to thank Rianne Kasander (MA) and Chantal Van Ree (MA) for their assistance in the literature search. Financing for this study was generously provided by the Dutch Health Research and Development Council (Zorg Onderzoek Nederland, ZON/MW).

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Author notes

1Department of Health Education and Promotion, Maastricht University, Maastricht and 2Prevention Research Center on Program Development and Effect Management, The Netherlands

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Personal Narrative Essay: Insecurity and Self-Esteem

I've caught myself trying to define what 'breaking away' actually meant . This surely wasn't the first time I've pondered about it like my life depended on it , turns out it did . Being a teenager with serious self-esteem issues, the thought of breaking away from my self-depreciating ways ran around my mind quite often . I couldn't get by a single day without doubting myself and my abilities

Yes, breaking away from habits are hard but it must be given serious attention . Back sliding, thoughts about giving up, your body threatening to give away , your mind flooding with doubts and the trust you had slowly fading away - these are the steps which are inevitable when you're desperately trying to break away from a habit . I've had a firsthand experience trying to break away from the constant battles inside my mind .

Being young comes with vulnerability, naive beliefs and a whole lot of insecurities. The battles I fought with myself, the wars waging in my mind ,  trying to break away from how insecure I was when I made a decision was the type of 'breaking away ' I was stuck in . I was and probably still am the most lost teenager to ever live on this planet. I wake up , put on a smile which made me look friendly , decide which 'me' I would be that day and head out blindly with no sense of direction and purpose. My days were were as mundane as possible and gave off a monotonous vibe , I used to cower away from the challenges and lived in my small safety bubble . 

Yes, there were times when when I had the sudden urge to change my life , random outbursts of emotions begging me to break free from my boring life .I didn't want a small change , I wanted , no , I needed a drastic Change in my life void of dreams . I realised how important it was to have a purpose in life and not waste it away . I wanted a more challenging life , the almost extinguished fire inside me stirring, waiting to be unleashed.

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What Is Self-Esteem?

Your Sense of Your Personal Worth or Value

Kendra Cherry, MS, is a psychosocial rehabilitation specialist, psychology educator, and author of the "Everything Psychology Book."

Verywell / Brianna Gilmartin

Theories of Self-Esteem

Healthy self-esteem, low self-esteem, excessive self-esteem.

• How to Improve

Self-esteem is your subjective sense of overall personal worth or value. Similar to self-respect, it describes your level of confidence in your abilities and attributes.

Having healthy self-esteem can influence your motivation, your mental well-being, and your overall quality of life. However, having self-esteem that is either too high or too low can be problematic. Better understanding what your unique level of self-esteem is can help you strike a balance that is just right for you.

Key elements of self-esteem include:

• Self-confidence
• Feelings of security
• Sense of belonging
• Feeling of competence

Other terms often used interchangeably with self-esteem include self-worth, self-regard, and self-respect.

Self-esteem tends to be lowest in childhood and increases during adolescence, as well as adulthood, eventually reaching a fairly stable and enduring level. This makes self-esteem similar to the stability of personality traits over time.

Why Self-Esteem Is Important

Self-esteem impacts your decision-making process, your relationships, your emotional health, and your overall well-being. It also influences motivation , as people with a healthy, positive view of themselves understand their potential and may feel inspired to take on new challenges.

Four key characteristics of healthy self-esteem are:

• A firm understanding of one's skills
• The ability to maintain healthy relationships with others as a result of having a healthy relationship with oneself
• Realistic and appropriate personal expectations
• An understanding of one's needs and the ability to express those needs

People with low self-esteem tend to feel less sure of their abilities and may doubt their decision-making process. They may not feel motivated to try novel things because they don’t believe they can reach their goals. Those with low self-esteem may have issues with relationships and expressing their needs. They may also experience low levels of confidence and feel unlovable and unworthy.

People with overly high self-esteem may overestimate their skills and may feel entitled to succeed, even without the abilities to back up their belief in themselves. They may struggle with relationship issues and block themselves from self-improvement because they are so fixated on seeing themselves as perfect .

Click Play to Learn More About Self-Esteem

This video has been medically reviewed by Rachel Goldman, PhD, FTOS .

Many theorists have written about the dynamics involved in the development of self-esteem. The concept of self-esteem plays an important role in psychologist Abraham Maslow's hierarchy of needs , which depicts esteem as one of the basic human motivations.

Maslow suggested that individuals need both appreciation from other people and inner self-respect to build esteem. Both of these needs must be fulfilled in order for an individual to grow as a person and reach self-actualization .

It is important to note that self-esteem is a concept distinct from self-efficacy , which involves how well you believe you'll handle future actions, performance, or abilities.

Factors That Affect Self-Esteem

There are many factors that can influence self-esteem. Your self-esteem may be impacted by:

• Physical abilities
• Socioeconomic status
• Thought patterns

Racism and discrimination have also been shown to have negative effects on self-esteem. Additionally, genetic factors that help shape a person's personality can play a role, but life experiences are thought to be the most important factor.

It is often our experiences that form the basis for overall self-esteem. For example, low self-esteem might be caused by overly critical or negative assessments from family and friends. Those who experience what Carl Rogers referred to as unconditional positive regard will be more likely to have healthy self-esteem.

There are some simple ways to tell if you have healthy self-esteem. You probably have healthy self-esteem if you:

• Avoid dwelling on past negative experiences
• Believe you are equal to everyone else, no better and no worse
• Express your needs
• Feel confident
• Have a positive outlook on life
• Say no when you want to
• See your overall strengths and weaknesses and accept them

Having healthy self-esteem can help motivate you to reach your goals, because you are able to navigate life knowing that you are capable of accomplishing what you set your mind to. Additionally, when you have healthy self-esteem, you are able to set appropriate boundaries in relationships and maintain a healthy relationship with yourself and others.

Low self-esteem may manifest in a variety of ways. If you have low self-esteem:

• You may believe that others are better than you.
• You may find expressing your needs difficult.
• You may focus on your weaknesses.
• You may frequently experience fear, self-doubt, and worry.
• You may have a negative outlook on life and feel a lack of control.
• You may have an intense fear of failure.
• You may have trouble accepting positive feedback.
• You may have trouble saying no and setting boundaries.
• You may put other people's needs before your own.
• You may struggle with confidence .

Low self-esteem has the potential to lead to a variety of mental health disorders, including anxiety disorders and depressive disorders. You may also find it difficult to pursue your goals and maintain healthy relationships. Having low self-esteem can seriously impact your quality of life and increases your risk for experiencing suicidal thoughts.

If you are having suicidal thoughts, contact the  National Suicide Prevention Lifeline  at  988 for support and assistance from a trained counselor. If you or a loved one are in immediate danger, call 911.

For more mental health resources, see our  National Helpline Database .

Overly high self-esteem is often mislabeled as narcissism , however there are some distinct traits that differentiate these terms. Individuals with narcissistic traits may appear to have high self-esteem, but their self-esteem may be high or low and is unstable, constantly shifting depending on the given situation. Those with excessive self-esteem:

• May be preoccupied with being perfect
• May focus on always being right
• May believe they cannot fail
• May believe they are more skilled or better than others
• May express grandiose ideas
• May grossly overestimate their skills and abilities

When self-esteem is too high, it can result in relationship problems, difficulty with social situations, and an inability to accept criticism.

How to Improve Self-Esteem

Fortunately, there are steps that you can take to address problems with your perceptions of yourself and faith in your abilities. How do you build self-esteem? Some actions that you can take to help improve your self-esteem include:

• Become more aware of negative thoughts . Learn to identify the distorted thoughts that are impacting your self-worth.
• Challenge negative thinking patterns . When you find yourself engaging in negative thinking, try countering those thoughts with more realistic and/or positive ones. 
• Use positive self-talk . Practice reciting positive affirmations to yourself.
• Practice self-compassion . Practice forgiving yourself for past mistakes and move forward by accepting all parts of yourself.

Low self-esteem can contribute to or be a symptom of mental health disorders, including anxiety and depression . Consider speaking with a doctor or therapist about available treatment options, which may include psychotherapy (in-person or online), medications, or a combination of both.

Get Help Now

We've tried, tested, and written unbiased reviews of the best online therapy programs including Talkspace, Betterhelp, and Regain. Find out which option is the best for you.

Though some of the causes of low self-esteem can’t be changed, such as genetic factors, early childhood experiences, and personality traits, there are steps you can take to feel more secure and valued. Remember that no one person is less worthy than the next. Keeping this in mind may help you maintain a healthy sense of self-esteem.

Get Advice From The Verywell Mind Podcast

Hosted by therapist Amy Morin, LCSW, this episode of The Verywell Mind Podcast shares strategies that can help you learn to truly believe in yourself, featuring IT Cosmetics founder Jamie Kern Lima.

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Trzesniewski KH, Donnellan MB, Robins RW. Stability of self-esteem across the life span .  J Pers Soc Psychol . 2003;84(1):205-220.

von Soest T, Wagner J, Hansen T, Gerstorf D. Self-esteem across the second half of life: The role of socioeconomic status, physical health, social relationships, and personality factors .  Journal of Personality and Social Psychology . 2018;114(6):945-958. doi:10.1037/pspp0000123

Johnson AJ. Examining associations between racism, internalized shame, and self-esteem among African Americans . Cogent Psychology . 2020;7(1):1757857. doi:10.1080/23311908.2020.1757857

Gabriel AS, Erickson RJ, Diefendorff JM, Krantz D. When does feeling in control benefit well-being? The boundary conditions of identity commitment and self-esteem.   Journal of Vocational Behavior . 2020;119:103415. doi:10.1016/j.jvb.2020.103415

Nguyen DT, Wright EP, Dedding C, Pham TT, Bunders J. Low self-esteem and its association with anxiety, depression, and suicidal ideation in Vietnamese secondary school students: A cross-sectional study .  Front Psychiatry . 2019;10:698. doi:10.3389/fpsyt.2019.00698

Brummelman E, Thomaes S, Sedikides C. Separating narcissism from self-esteem.   Curr Dir Psychol Sci . 2016;25(1):8-13. doi:10.1177/0963721415619737

Cascio CN, O’Donnell MB, Tinney FJ, Lieberman MD, Taylor SE, Stretcher VJ, et. al. Self-affirmation activates brain systems associated with self-related processing and reward and is reinforced by future orientation . Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience . 2016;11(4):621-629. doi:10.1093/scan/nsv136

Maslow AH. Motivation and Personality . 3rd ed. New York: Harper & Row; 1987.

By Kendra Cherry, MSEd Kendra Cherry, MS, is a psychosocial rehabilitation specialist, psychology educator, and author of the "Everything Psychology Book."

Breaking Free from Insecurities: A Journey towards Rediscovering Self-Confidence

Are your insecurities holding you back? Do you sometimes feel as though you have all the potential in the world, but for one reason or another you keep holding yourself back?

What it means to feel insecure

You have a vivid imagination and can visualise endless possibilities. In your mind’s eye, no goal is seemingly out of reach. But for some reason, in the real world, you just can’t seem to get yourself to do all the things you imagine. It’s as if something is holding you back from living life in an optimal way. So, what is it? What is this thing that holds us back from tapping into our full potential? Well, it’s actually often not one single thing, but a multitude of things that come together to form the total bedrock of all our insecurities .

When we feel insecure about something, we are unable to fully trust ourselves at that moment. And without trust , there’s a shadow of uncertainty. This leads to hesitant behaviour where we struggle to take decisive action toward a desired outcome. Because of our insecurities, we tend to live with excessive anxiety and paranoia. We avoid taking proactive action and judge ourselves harshly when our lofty expectations are not realised.

While riddled with insecurity, we form unhealthy attachments to others. We use people as a platform to boost our own self-esteem. We rely on them to build our self-worth . Moreover, we secretly hope and pray that they will bring the best out of us. But time and again people let us down, and this just plunges us deeper down our insecurity spiral.

Why do we do this to ourselves?

You feel insecure because you make irrational interpretations about yourself or about your ability to get something done. These interpretations stem from irrational beliefs that create a false reality about how you or things ought to be in particular situations.

You might, for instance, expect perfection from yourself. However, the actual reality is very different from imagined reality. You simply cannot live up to those kinds of expectations, and you, therefore, succumb to the fact that you’re just not good enough.

When you feel ‘not good enough’ this leads to a lack of trust. You just don’t trust yourself. You feel unworthy and incapable of fully being yourself when around other people. You worry about being judged, rejected or criticised. This paranoia holds you back from reaching your full potential. You struggle with low self-esteem and cannot live the life you actually want.

However, as insecure as you are, you certainly don’t want the entire world to know about it. And so you compensate in other ways to hide your flaws and shortcomings.

For instance, because you lack confidence you naturally compensate by acting cocky and arrogant in social settings. You might, for example, be excessively competitive, or maybe incredibly selfish, or even overly critical of others. These behaviours are, of course, not the real you. The only reason you indulge in these kinds of behaviours is to hide your insecurities and flaws behind a veil of arrogance. However, inside you are desperately crying out for help.

If, however, arrogance doesn’t drive your behaviour, then you might come across as being very defensive and combatant. In such instances, you tend to blame people for your problems, or you may simply judge them unfairly. Furthermore, you’re very aggressive and get aroused by jealousy very easily.

Again, all these behaviours are not the real you. You are simply acting out to hide your insecurities. You don’t want the world to see the ‘flawed’ you, and so you act out in these ridiculous ways to compensate for all your inadequacies.

You can’t spend a lifetime living behind a veil trying to cover up your true authentic self. Yes, you possibly have several shortcomings and flaws, but we all do. Some people have even learned to embrace their insecurities. In other words, they haven’t allowed their insecurities to hold them back from being their true selves.

It’s, however, not always easy to work through our insecurities. They are susceptible and fragile things. But there is actually a process you can follow that will help you to progressively overcome your insecurities. 

Guidelines for overcoming your insecurities

• Practise self-acceptance. Practising self-acceptance means fully accepting yourself despite your flaws, imperfections, and limitations. Nobody is perfect, and expecting to be perfect will just lead to disappointment. We are all flawed in our own personal way. Instead of trying to hide those flaws, just accept how you are and embrace the person you have become. Change the things you can by committing yourself to self-improvement .
• However, for the things you can’t change, work on self-acceptance. The same applies to any situation, problem or dilemma you face. There will be things you can change, and there will be other things that you must learn to accept. Understanding this difference is one of the keys to long-term happiness. Give yourself a little serving of self-compassion each day and do the best you can with what you have.
• Accept that everything is subjective. We all have our own personal views about how things are and how they ought to be. How you feel about something is probably different to how I feel about something, and vice versa. Everything is subjective. We interpret things our own way based on our past experiences , beliefs, values, and expectations. It’s therefore not so much what happens to us that matters, but how we interpret those experiences.
• Let’s try something. The next time you’re overcome with insecurity, get another opinion. Ask someone you trust to provide his/her perspective and interpretation of the situation. Ask them how they would respond in your shoes.
• Tame your inner critic. One of the reasons we struggle to overcome our insecurities is because our critical voice opens a shop in our brain. It pitches a tent in the brain and starts selling us rubbish that we subscribe to without a question. When this inner critic takes over, it convinces us that we’re just not good enough and that making mistakes will hurt us. But are these really truths? Well, it just depends. Our experience is after all subjective. It’s how we interpret things that matter, right? So, it, therefore, could be your truth, but at the same time, you have the power to create a new reality.
• Say ‘yes’ more often. The process of overcoming your insecurities is very much akin to flexing a muscle. As you continue to flex this muscle it strengthens and grows over time. One of the best ways to overcome your insecurities is to say ‘yes’ more often. Say ‘yes’ to things that make you feel insecure. Say ‘yes’ to new experiences and opportunities that force you to step out beyond the boundaries of your comfort zone . And say ‘yes’ to all the things you feel uncertain about. Ask yourself: ‘ What’s the worst that could happen if I say yes ?’ or ‘ What’s the best that could happen if I say yes ?’
• The more often you say YES to all these things, the more you strengthen your insecurity  muscle. And the stronger it becomes, the more comfortable you will feel doing unfamiliar things that push you beyond what you thought was possible.
• Focus on becoming more spontaneous. One of the best ways to train that “insecurity” muscle is to challenge yourself to live more spontaneously. To live spontaneously means embracing a light-hearted nature, it means being more curious and adventurous. However, to live this way requires that you stop taking life so seriously. Embrace joy, laughter, excitement and commit yourself to have fun.
• In fact, from time to time, why not make a fool of yourself? Embarrass yourself silly and learn to laugh at your goof-ups and mistakes . And then encourage others to do the same.  Living life in this way will allow you the freedom to be yourself – to be your true authentic self. And living this way will provide you with the platform you need to overcome your insecurities.
• Live by your own rules and standards. We often fall into the insecurity trap when we’re living by other people’s rules, standards, and expectations. We do this to impress others – to win them over. However, by trying to win other people over, we lose touch with what truly makes us happy. Instead of living a life dictated by others, choose to write your own script. Set your own rules and personal standards for living, and then clearly define your personal boundaries.
• Use these boundaries as a deterrent that keeps people at a safe distance, so they don’t intrude on your happiness. Ask yourself: ‘ How do I want to be treated by others?’ ‘ What will I accept and won’t I accept?’ ‘ What personal boundaries will I set that will give me the freedom to be myself?’ You are the one who gets to choose how to set and when to set these boundaries. They are there to give you the personal space you need to be your true authentic self. They are also there to protect you from those people who constantly make you feel inadequate and insecure.
• Stop comparing yourself to others. One of the major obstacles you will face that will prevent you from overcoming your insecurities is the fact that you constantly keep comparing yourself to others. Comparing yourself to other people isn’t healthy. Everyone has their own unique set of experiences, skills , talents, abilities, and knowledge. Their strengths may not be your strengths. Likewise, your strengths may not be their strengths. It’s like comparing apples and bananas. They’re two different types of fruits. There are no comparisons that go beyond that. OK, so let’s say you stop comparing yourself to others. That’s a great start. You will immediately find that a lot of your insecurities will wash away.
• But what now? How about making comparisons to ourselves, or to past performance? Well, that too can very quickly lead to insecurity phobia . The key to letting go of all your insecurities is to make no comparisons. Just accept how you are and how things are at this very moment. Commit to doing your very best in every situation, and leave it at that. Remember, that your best will be different every time and is affected by your state of mind and unique circumstances.
• Therefore, don’t measure your best by what you did or failed to do in the past. The past no longer matters. What counts is what you did today. Measure what you’re capable of doing right now, and leave it at that.
• Commit to consistently developing yourself . One of the most effective ways for overcoming insecurity is to commit yourself to become a lifelong learner. This, of course, isn’t a quick fix for your insecurities. However, it is something that will play in your favour over the long run. When you commit yourself to become a lifelong learner, you take responsibility for developing your skills , growing your knowledge, and improving various aspects of your life.
• As you learn and grow in this way, you naturally start feeling more confident, competent, and capable. And as you develop yourself in these key areas your insecurities typically begin to fade away without much effort. However, this process takes time, and you may not see visible results for a while. But as long as you stay committed, things will eventually pay off in the long run.

Final thoughts

Overcoming your insecurities is not an easy process, and it could take a considerable amount of time. However, you have to start somewhere. Begin by focusing on one single area of your life that you feel insecure about. Walk yourself through the five-step process and then begin incorporating some of the guidelines we discussed above. However, your long-term success hinges on how committed you are to follow through with this till the very end.

Be very careful though not to approach this half-heartedly. You need to be fully committed to making these changes. Only in this way will you progressively break free from all your insecurities , and just maybe begin living to the fullest.

Trishna Patnaik is an art therapist and healer. She works with clients on a one-to-one basis in Mumbai.

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What is Self-Esteem? A Psychologist Explains

“Believe in yourself.”

That is the message that we encounter constantly, in books, television shows, superhero comics, and common myths and legends.

We are told that we can accomplish anything if we believe in ourselves.

Of course, we know that to be untrue; we cannot accomplish anything in the world simply through belief—if that were true, a lot more children would be soaring in the skies above their garage roof instead of lugging around a cast for a few weeks!

However, we know that believing in yourself and accepting yourself for who you are is an important factor in success, relationships, and happiness and that self-esteem plays an important role in living a flourishing life . It provides us with belief in our abilities and the motivation to carry them out, ultimately reaching fulfillment as we navigate life with a positive outlook.

Various studies have confirmed that self-esteem has a direct relationship with our overall wellbeing, and we would do well to keep this fact in mind—both for ourselves and for those around us, particularly the developing children we interact with.

Before you read on, we thought you might like to download our three Self-Compassion Exercises for free . These detailed, science-based exercises will not only help you show more compassion to yourself but will also give you the tools to enhance the self-compassion of your clients, students or employees and lead them to a healthy sense of self-esteem.

This Article Contains:

• What is the Meaning of Self-esteem? A Definition

Self-Esteem and Psychology

Incorporating self-esteem in positive psychology, 22 examples of high self-esteem, 18 surprising statistics and facts about self-esteem, relevant research, can we help boost self-esteem issues with therapy and counseling, the benefits of developing self-esteem with meditation, can you test self-esteem, and what are the problems with assessment, 17 factors that influence self-esteem, the effects of social media, 30 tips & affirmations for enhancing self-esteem, popular books on self-esteem (pdf), ted talks and videos on self-esteem, 15 quotes on self-esteem, a take-home message, what is the meaning of self-esteem.

You probably already have a good idea, but let’s start from the beginning anyway: what is self-esteem?

Self-esteem refers to a person’s overall sense of his or her value or worth. It can be considered a sort of measure of how much a person “values, approves of, appreciates, prizes, or likes him or herself” (Adler & Stewart, 2004).

According to self-esteem expert Morris Rosenberg, self-esteem is quite simply one’s attitude toward oneself (1965). He described it as a “favourable or unfavourable attitude toward the self”.

Various factors believed to influence our self-esteem include:

• Personality
• Life experiences
• Social circumstances
• The reactions of others
• Comparing the self to others

An important note is that self-esteem is not fixed. It is malleable and measurable, meaning we can test for and improve upon it.

Self-esteem and self-acceptance are often confused or even considered identical by most people. Let’s address this misconception by considering some fundamental differences in the nature and consequences of self-esteem and unconditional self-acceptance.

• Self-esteem is based on evaluating the self, and rating one’s behaviors and qualities as positive or negative, which results in defining the self as worthy or non-worthy (Ellis, 1994).
• Self-acceptance, however, is how the individual relates to the self in a way that allows the self to be as it is. Acceptance is neither positive nor negative; it embraces all aspects and experiences of the self (Ellis, 1976).
• Self-esteem relies on comparisons to evaluate the self and ‘decide’ its worth.
• Self-acceptance, stems from the realization that there is no objective basis for determining the value of a human being. So with self-acceptance, the individual affirms who they are without any need for comparisons.
• Self-esteem is contingent on external factors, such as performance, appearance, or social approval, that form the basis on which the self is evaluated.
• With self-acceptance, a person feels satisfied with themselves despite external factors, as this sense of worthiness is not derived from meeting specific standards.
• Self-esteem is fragile (Kernis & Lakey, 2010).
• Self-acceptance provides a secure and enduring positive relationship with the self (Kernis & Lakey, 2010).
• When it comes to the consequences on wellbeing, while self-esteem appears to be associated with some markers of wellbeing, such as high life satisfaction (Myers & Diener, 1995) and less anxiety (Brockner, 1984), there is also a “dark side” of self-esteem, characterized by egotism and narcissism (Crocker & Park, 2003).
• Self-acceptance is strongly associated with numerous positive markers of general psychological wellbeing (MacInnes, 2006).

Self-esteem has been a hot topic in psychology for decades, going about as far back as psychology itself. Even Freud , who many consider the founding father of psychology (although he’s a bit of an estranged father at this point), had theories about self-esteem at the heart of his work.

What self-esteem is, how it develops (or fails to develop) and what influences it has kept psychologists busy for a long time, and there’s no sign that we’ll have it all figured out anytime soon!

While there is much we still have to learn about self-esteem, we have at least been able to narrow down what self-esteem is and how it differs from other, similar constructs. Read on to learn what sets self-esteem apart from other self-directed traits and states.

Self-Esteem vs. Self-Concept

Self-esteem is not self-concept, although self-esteem may be a part of self-concept. Self-concept is the perception that we have of ourselves, our answer when we ask ourselves the question “Who am I?” It is knowing about one’s own tendencies, thoughts, preferences and habits, hobbies, skills, and areas of weakness.

Put simply, the awareness of who we are is our concept of our self .

Purkey (1988) describes self-concept as:

“the totality of a complex, organized, and dynamic system of learned beliefs, attitudes and opinions that each person holds to be true about his or her personal existence”.

According to Carl Rogers, founder of client-centered therapy , self-concept is an overarching construct that self-esteem is one of the components of it (McLeod, 2008).

Self-Esteem vs. Self-Image

Another similar term with a different meaning is self-image; self-image is similar to self-concept in that it is all about how you see yourself (McLeod, 2008). Instead of being based on reality, however, it can be based on false and inaccurate thoughts about ourselves. Our self-image may be close to reality or far from it, but it is generally not completely in line with objective reality or with the way others perceive us.

Self-Esteem vs. Self-Worth

Self-esteem is a similar concept to self-worth but with a small (although important) difference: self-esteem is what we think, feel, and believe about ourselves, while self-worth is the more global recognition that we are valuable human beings worthy of love (Hibbert, 2013).

Self-Esteem vs. Self-Confidence

Self-esteem is not self-confidence ; self-confidence is about your trust in yourself and your ability to deal with challenges, solve problems, and engage successfully with the world (Burton, 2015). As you probably noted from this description, self-confidence is based more on external measures of success and value than the internal measures that contribute to self-esteem.

One can have high self-confidence, particularly in a certain area or field, but still lack a healthy sense of overall value or self-esteem.

Self-Esteem vs. Self-Efficacy

Similar to self-confidence, self-efficacy is also related to self-esteem but not a proxy for it. Self-efficacy refers to the belief in one’s ability to succeed at certain tasks (Neil, 2005). You could have high self-efficacy when it comes to playing basketball, but low self-efficacy when it comes to succeeding in math class.

Unlike self-esteem, self-efficacy is more specific rather than global, and it is based on external success rather than internal worth.

Self-Esteem vs. Self-Compassion

Finally, self-esteem is also not self-compassion. Self-compassion centers on how we relate to ourselves rather than how we judge or perceive ourselves (Neff, n.d.). Being self-compassionate means we are kind and forgiving to ourselves, and that we avoid being harsh or overly critical of ourselves. Self-compassion can lead us to a healthy sense of self-esteem, but it is not in and of itself self-esteem.

We explore this further in The Science of Self-Acceptance Masterclass© .

Esteem in Maslow’s Theory – The Hierarchy of Needs

The mention of esteem may bring to mind the fourth level of Maslow’s pyramid : esteem needs.

While these needs and the concept of self-esteem are certainly related, Maslow’s esteem needs are more focused on external measures of esteem, such as respect, status, recognition, accomplishment, and prestige (McLeod, 2017).

There is a component of self-esteem within this level of the hierarchy, but Maslow felt that the esteem of others was more important for development and need fulfillment than self-esteem.

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Dr. Martin Seligman has some concerns about openly accepting self-esteem as part of positive psychology . He worries that people live in the world where self-esteem is injected into a person’s identity, not caring in how it is done, as long as the image of “confidence” is obtained. He expressed the following in 2006:

I am not against self-esteem, but I believe that self-esteem is just a meter that reads out the state of the system. It is not an end in itself. When you are doing well in school or work, when you are doing well with the people you love, when you are doing well in play, the meter will register high. When you are doing badly, it will register low. (p. v)

Seligman makes a great point, as it is important to take his words into consideration when looking at self-esteem. Self-esteem and positive psychology may not marry quite yet, so it is important to look at what research tells us about self-esteem before we construct a rationale for it as positive psychology researcher, coach, or practitioner.

Examples of these characteristics are being open to criticism, acknowledging mistakes, being comfortable with giving and receiving compliments, and displaying a harmony between what one says, does, looks, sounds, and moves.

People with high self-esteem are unafraid to show their curiosity, discuss their experiences, ideas, and opportunities. They can also enjoy the humorous aspects of their lives and are comfortable with social or personal assertiveness (Branden, 1992).

Although low self-esteem has received more attention than high self-esteem, the positive psychology movement has brought high self-esteem into the spotlight. We now know more about what high self-esteem looks like and how it can be cultivated.

We know that people with high self-esteem:

• Appreciate themselves and other people.
• Enjoy growing as a person and finding fulfillment and meaning in their lives.
• Are able to dig deep within themselves and be creative.
• Make their own decisions and conform to what others tell them to be and do only when they agree.
• See the word in realistic terms, accepting other people the way they are while pushing them toward greater confidence and a more positive direction.
• Can easily concentrate on solving problems in their lives.
• Have loving and respectful relationships.
• Know what their values are and live their lives accordingly.
• Speak up and tell others their opinions, calmly and kindly, and share their wants and needs with others.
• Endeavor to make a constructive difference in other people’s lives (Smith & Harte, n.d.).

We also know that there are some simple ways to tell if you have high self-esteem. For example, you likely have high self-esteem if you:

• Act assertively without experiencing any guilt, and feel at ease communicating with others.
• Avoid dwelling on the past and focus on the present moment.
• Believe you are equal to everyone else, no better and no worse.
• Reject the attempts of others to manipulate you.
• Recognize and accept a wide range of feelings, both positive and negative, and share them within your healthy relationships.
• Enjoy a healthy balance of work, play, and relaxation .
• Accept challenges and take risks in order to grow, and learn from your mistakes when you fail.
• Handle criticism without taking it personally, with the knowledge that you are learning and growing and that your worth is not dependent on the opinions of others.
• Value yourself and communicate well with others, without fear of expressing your likes, dislikes, and feelings.
• Value others and accept them as they are without trying to change them (Self Esteem Awareness, n.d.).

Based on these characteristics, we can come up with some good examples of what high self-esteem looks like.

Imagine a high-achieving student who takes a difficult exam and earns a failing grade. If she has high self-esteem, she will likely chalk up her failure to factors like not studying hard enough, a particularly difficult set of questions, or simply having an “off” day. What she doesn’t do is conclude that she must be stupid and that she will probably fail all future tests too.

Having a healthy sense of self-esteem guides her toward accepting reality, thinking critically about why she failed, and problem-solving instead of wallowing in self-pity or giving up.

For a second example, think about a young man out on a first date. He really likes the young woman he is going out with, so he is eager to make a good impression and connect with her. Over the course of their discussion on the date, he learns that she is motivated and driven by completely different values and has very different taste in almost everything.

Instead of going along with her expressed opinions on things, he offers up his own views and isn’t afraid to disagree with her. His high self-esteem makes him stay true to his values and allows him to easily communicate with others, even when they don’t agree. To him, it is more important to behave authentically than to focus on getting his date to like him.

23 Examples of Self-Esteem Issues

Here are 23 examples of issues that can manifest from low self-esteem:

• You people please
• You’re easily angered or irritated
• You feel your opinion isn’t important
• You hate you
• What you do is never good enough
• You’re highly sensitive to others opinions
• The world doesn’t feel safe
• You doubt every decision
• You regularly experience the emotions of sadness and worthlessness
• You find it hard keeping relationships
• You avoid taking risks or trying new things
• You engage in addictive avoidance behaviors
• You struggle with confidence
• You find it difficult creating boundaries
• You give more attention to your weaknesses
• You are often unsure of who you are
• You feel negative experiences are all consuming
• You struggle to say no
• You find it difficult asking for your needs to be met
• You hold a pessimistic or negative outlook on life
• You doubt your abilities or chances of success
• You frequently experience negative emotions, such as fear, anxiety or depression
• You compare yourself with others and often you come in second best

It can be hard to really wrap your mind around self-esteem and why it is so important. To help you out, we’ve gathered a list of some of the most significant and relevant findings about self-esteem and low self-esteem in particular.

Although some of these facts may make sense to you, you will likely find that at least one or two surprise you—specifically those pertaining to the depth and breadth of low self-esteem in people (and particularly young people and girls).

• Adolescent boys with high self-esteem are almost two and a half times more likely to initiate sex than boys with low self-esteem, while girls with high self-esteem are three times more likely to delay sex than girls with low self-esteem (Spencer, Zimet, Aalsma, & Orr, 2002).
• Low self-esteem is linked to violence, school dropout rates, teenage pregnancy, suicide, and low academic achievement (Misetich & Delis-Abrams, 2003).
• About 44% of girls and 15% of boys in high school are attempting to lose weight (Council on Alcoholism and Drug Abuse, n.d.).
• Seven in 10 girls believe that they are not good enough or don’t measure up in some way (Dove Self-Esteem Fund, 2008).
• A girl’s self-esteem is more strongly related to how she views her own body shape and body weight than how much she actually weighs (Dove Self-Esteem Fund, 2008).
• Nearly all women (90%) want to change at least one aspect of their physical appearance (Confidence Coalition, n.d.).
• The vast majority (81%) of 10-year old girls are afraid of being fat (Confidence Coalition, n.d.).
• About one in four college-age women have an eating disorder (Confidence Coalition, n.d.).
• Only 2% of women think they are beautiful (Confidence Coalition, n.d.).
• Absent fathers, poverty, and a low-quality home environment have a negative impact on self-esteem (Orth, 2018).

These facts on low self-esteem are alarming and disheartening, but thankfully they don’t represent the whole story. The whole story shows that there are many people with a healthy sense of self-esteem, and they enjoy some great benefits and advantages. For instance, people with healthy self-esteem:

• Are less critical of themselves and others.
• Are better able to handle stress and avoid the unhealthy side effects of stress.
• Are less likely to develop an eating disorder.
• Are less likely to feel worthless, guilty, and ashamed .
• Are more likely to be assertive about expressing and getting what they want.
• Are able to build strong, honest relationships and are more likely to leave unhealthy ones.
• Are more confident in their ability to make good decisions.
• Are more resilient and able to bounce back when faced with disappointment, failure, and obstacles (Allegiance Health, 2015).

Given the facts on the sad state of self-esteem in society and the positive outcomes associated with high self-esteem, it seems clear that looking into how self-esteem can be built is a worthwhile endeavor.

Luckily, there are many researchers who have tackled this topic. Numerous studies have shown us that it is possible to build self-esteem, especially in children and young people.

How? There are many ways!

Recent research found a correlation between self-esteem and optimism with university students from Brazil (Bastianello, Pacico & Hutz & 2014). One of the most interesting results came from a cross-cultural research on life satisfaction and self-esteem, which was conducted in 31 countries.

They found differences in self-esteem between collective and individualistic cultures with self-esteem being lower in collectivist cultures. Expressing personal emotions, attitudes, and cognitive thoughts are highly associated with self-esteem, collectivist cultures seem to have a drop in self-esteem because of a lack of those characteristics (Diener & Diener 1995).

China, a collectivist culture, found that self-esteem was a significant predictor of life satisfaction (Chen, Cheung, Bond & Leung, 2006). They found that similar to other collectivist cultures, self-esteem also had an effect on resilience with teenagers. Teenagers with low self-esteem had a higher sense of hopelessness and had low resilience (Karatas, 2011).

In more individualistic cultures, teenagers who were taught to depend on their beliefs, behaviors, and felt open to expressing their opinion had more resilience and higher self-esteem (Dumont & Provost, 1999).

School-based programs that pair students with mentors and focus on relationships, building, self-esteem enhancements, goal setting , and academic assistance have been proven to enhance students’ self-esteem, improve relationships with others, reduce depression and bullying behaviors (King, Vidourek, Davis, & McClellan, 2009).

Similarly, elementary school programs that focus on improving self-esteem through short, classroom-based sessions also have a positive impact on students’ self-esteem, as well as reducing problem behaviors and strengthening connections between peers (Park & Park, 2014).

However, the potential to boost your self-esteem and reap the benefits is not limited to students! Adults can get in on this endeavour as well, although the onus will be on them to make the changes necessary.

Self-esteem researcher and expert Dr. John M. Grohol outlined six practical tips on how to increase your sense of self-esteem, which include:

6 Practical Tips on How to Increase Self-Esteem

1. take a self-esteem inventory to give yourself a baseline..

It can be as simple as writing down 10 of your strengths and 10 of your weaknesses. This will help you to begin developing an honest and realistic conception of yourself.

2. Set realistic expectations.

It’s important to set small, reachable goals that are within your power. For example, setting an extremely high expectation or an expectation that someone else will change their behavior is virtually guaranteed to make you feel like a failure, through no fault of your own.

3. Stop being a perfectionist.

Acknowledge both your accomplishments and mistakes. Nobody is perfect, and trying to be will only lead to disappointment. Acknowledging your accomplishments and recognizing your mistakes is the way to keep a positive outlook while learning and growing from your mistakes.

4. Explore yourself.

The importance of knowing yourself and being at peace with who you are cannot be overstated. This can take some trial and error, and you will constantly learn new things about yourself, but it is a journey that should be undertaken with purpose and zeal.

5. Be willing to adjust your self-image.

We all change as we age and grow, and we must keep up with our ever-changing selves if we want to set and achieve meaningful goals.

6. Stop comparing yourself to others.

Comparing ourselves to others is a trap that is extremely easy to fall into, especially today with social media and the ability to project a polished, perfected appearance. The only person you should compare yourself to is you (Grohol, 2011).

The Positivity Blog also offers some helpful tips on enhancing your self-esteem, including:

• Say “stop” to your inner critic.
• Use healthier motivation habits.
• Take a 2-minute self-appreciation break.
• Write down 3 things in the evening that you can appreciate about yourself.
• Do the right thing.
• Replace the perfectionism.
• Handle mistakes and failures in a more positive way.
• Be kinder towards other people .
• Try something new.
• Stop falling into the comparison trap.
• Spend more time with supportive people (and less time with destructive people).
• Remember the “whys” of high self-esteem (Edberg, 2017).

Another list of specific, practical things you can do to develop and maintain a good sense of self-esteem comes from the Entrepreneur website:

• Use distancing pronouns. When you are experiencing stress or negative self-talk, try putting it in more distant terms (e.g., instead of saying “I am feeling ashamed,” try saying “Courtney is feeling ashamed.”). This can help you to see the situation as a challenge rather than a threat.
• Remind yourself of your achievements. The best way to overcome imposter syndrome—the belief that, despite all of your accomplishments, you are a failure and a fraud—is to list all of your personal successes. You might be able to explain a couple of them away as a chance, but they can’t all be due to luck!
• Move more! This can be as simple as a short walk or as intense as a several-mile run, as quick as striking a “power pose” or as long as a two-hour yoga session; it doesn’t matter exactly what you do, just that you get more in touch with your body and improve both your health and your confidence.
• Use the “five-second” rule. No, not the one about food that is dropped on the ground! This five-second rule is about following up good thoughts and inspiring ideas with action. Do something to make that great idea happen within five seconds.
• Practice visualizing your success. Close your eyes and take a few minutes to imagine the scenario in which you have reached your goals, using all five senses and paying attention to the details.
• Be prepared—for whatever situation you are about to encounter. If you are going into a job interview, make sure you have practiced, know about the company, and have some good questions ready to ask. If you are going on a date, take some time to boost your confidence, dress well, and have a plan A and a plan B (and maybe even a plan C!) to make sure it goes well.
• Limit your usage of social media. Spend less time looking at a screen and more time experiencing the world around you.
• Meditate. Establish a regular meditation practice to inspect your thoughts, observe them, and separate yourself from them. Cultivating a sense of inner peace will go a long way towards developing healthy self-esteem.
• Keep your goals a secret. You don’t need to keep all of your hopes and dreams to yourself, but make sure you save some of your goal striving and success for just you—it can make you more likely to meet them and also more satisfied when you do.
• Practice affirmations (like the ones listed later in this piece). Make time to regularly say positive things about yourself and situations in which you often feel uncertain.
• Build your confidence through failure. Use failure as an opportunity to learn and grow, and seek out failure by trying new things and taking calculated risks (Laurinavicius, 2017).

Now that we have a good idea of how to improve self-esteem , there is an important caveat to the topic: many of the characteristics and factors that we believe result from self-esteem may also influence one’s sense of self-esteem, and vice versa.

For example, although we recommend improving self-esteem to positively impact grades or work performance, success in these areas is at least somewhat dependent on self-esteem as well.

Similarly, those who have a healthy level of self-esteem are more likely to have positive relationships, but those with positive relationships are also more likely to have healthy self-esteem, likely because the relationship works in both directions.

While there is nothing wrong with boosting your self-esteem, keep in mind that in some cases you may be putting the cart before the horse, and commit to developing yourself in several areas rather than just working on enhancing your self-esteem.

Based on research like that described above, we have learned that there are many ways therapy and counseling can help clients to improve their self-esteem.

If done correctly, therapy can be an excellent method of enhancing self-esteem, especially if it’s low to begin with.

Here are some of the ways therapy and counseling can a client’s boost self-esteem:

• When a client shares their inner thoughts and feelings with the therapist, and the therapist responds with acceptance and compassion rather than judgment or correction, this can build the foundations of healthy self-esteem for the client.
• This continued acceptance and unconditional positive regard encourage the client to re-think some of their assumptions, and come to the conclusion that “Maybe there’s nothing wrong with me after all!”
• The therapist can explain that self-esteem is a belief rather than a fact and that beliefs are based on our experiences; this can help the client understand that he could be exactly the same person as he is right now and have high self-esteem instead of low, if he had different experiences that cultivated a sense of high self-esteem instead of low self-esteem.
• The therapist can offer the client new experiences upon which to base this new belief about herself, experiences in which the client is “basically acceptable” instead of “basically wrong.” The therapist’s acceptance of the client can act as a model for the client of how she can accept herself.
• Most importantly, the therapist can accept the client for who he is and affirm his thoughts and feelings as acceptable rather than criticizing him for them. The therapist does not need to approve of each and every action taken by the client, but showing acceptance and approval of who he is at the deepest level will have an extremely positive impact on his own belief in his worth and value as a person (Gilbertson, 2016).

Following these guidelines will encourage your client to develop a better sense of self-love , self-worth, self-acceptance , and self-esteem, as well as discouraging “needless shame” and learning how to separate herself from her behavior (Gilbertson, 2016).

One of these methods is meditation—yes, you can add yet another benefit of meditation to the list! However, not only can we develop self-esteem through meditation , we also gain some other important benefits.

When we meditate, we cultivate our ability to let go and to keep our thoughts and feelings in perspective. We learn to simply observe instead of actively participate in every little experience that pops into our head. In other words, we are “loosening the grip we have on our sense of self” (Puddicombe, 2015).

While this may sound counterintuitive to developing and maintaining a positive sense of self, it is actually a great way to approach it. Through meditation, we gain the ability to become aware of our inner experiences without over-identifying with them, letting our thoughts pass by without judgment or a strong emotional response.

As meditation expert Andy Puddicombe notes, low self-esteem can be understood as the result of over-identification with the self. When we get overly wrapped up in our sense of self, whether that occurs with a focus on the positive (I’m the BEST) or the negative (I’m the WORST), we place too much importance on it. We may even get obsessive about the self, going over every little word, thought, or feeling that enters our mind.

A regular meditation practice can boost your self-esteem by helping you to let go of your preoccupation with your self, freeing you from being controlled by the thoughts and feelings your self-experiences.

When you have the ability to step back and observe a disturbing or self-deprecating thought, it suddenly doesn’t have as much power over you as it used to; this deidentification with the negative thoughts you have about yourself results in less negative talk over time and freedom from your overly critical inner voice (Puddicombe, 2015).

Self-esteem is the topic of many a psychological scale and assessment, and many of them are valid, reliable, and very popular among researchers; however, these assessments are not perfect. There are a few problems and considerations you should take into account if you want to measure self-esteem, including:

• Lack of consensus on the definition (Demo, 1985).
• Overall gender differences in self-esteem (Bingham, 1983).
• Too many instruments for assessing self-esteem, and low correlations between them (Demo, 1985).
• The unexplained variance between self-reports and inferred measures such as ratings by others (Demo, 1985).

Although these issues are certainly not unique to the measurement of self-esteem, one should approach the assessment of self-esteem with multiple measurement methods in hand, with the appropriate level of caution, or both.

Still, even though there are various issues with the measurement of self-esteem, avoiding the measurement is not an option! If you are looking to measure self-esteem and worried about finding a validated scale, look no further than one of the foundations of self-esteem research: Rosenberg’s scale.

Measuring Self-Esteem with the Rosenberg Scale

The most common scale of self-esteem is Rosenberg’s Self-Esteem Scale (also called the RSE and sometimes the SES). This scale was developed by Rosenberg and presented in his 1965 book Society and the Adolescent Self-Image.

It contains 10 items rated on a scale from 1 (strongly agree) to 4 (strongly disagree). Some of the items are reverse-scored, and the total score can be calculated by summing up the total points for an overall measure of self-esteem (although it can also be scored in a different, more complex manner—see page 61 of this PDF for instructions).

The 10 items are:

1. On the whole, I am satisfied with myself. 2. At times I think I am no good at all. 3. I feel that I have a number of good qualities. 4. I am able to do things as well as most other people. 5. I feel I do not have much to be proud of. 6. I certainly feel useless at times. 7. I feel that I’m a person of worth. 8. I wish I could have more respect for myself. 9. All in all, I am inclined to think that I am a failure. 10. I take a positive attitude toward myself.

As you likely figured out already, items 2, 5, 6, 8, and 9 are reverse-scored, while the other items are scored normally. This creates a single score of between 10 and 40 points, with lower scores indicating higher self-esteem. Put another way, higher scores indicate a strong sense of low self-esteem.

The scale is considered highly consistent and reliable, and scores correlate highly with other measures of self-esteem and negatively with measures of depression and anxiety. It has been used by thousands of researchers throughout the years and is still in use today, making it one of the most-cited scales ever developed.

The Coopersmith Self-Esteem Inventory (1967/1981)

The second most commonly used reliable and valid measure for self-esteem is The Coopersmith Self-Esteem Inventory. Within this test, 50 items are included to measure the test-takes attitudes towards themselves, by responding to statements with the selection of “like me” or “not like me” (Robinson, Shaver & Wrightsman, 2010).

Initially created to test the self-esteem of children, it was later altered by Ryden (1978) and now two separate versions exist; one for children and one for adults.

Find out more about taking this test here .

It might be quicker to list what factors don’t influence self-esteem than to identify which factors do influence it! As you might expect, self-esteem is a complex construct and there are many factors that contribute to it, whether positively or negatively.

For a quick sample of some of the many factors that are known to influence self-esteem, check out this list:

• Commitment to the worker, spouse, and parental role are positively linked to self-esteem (Reitzes & Mutran, 1994).
• Worker identity meaning is positively related to self-esteem (Reitzes & Mutran, 2006).
• Being married and older is linked to lower self-esteem (Reitzes & Mutran, 2006).
• Higher education and higher income are related to higher self-esteem (Reitzes & Mutran, 2006).
• Low socioeconomic status and low self-esteem are related (von Soest, Wagner, Hansen, & Gerstorf, 2018).
• Living alone (without a significant other) is linked to low self-esteem (van Soest et al., 2018).
• Unemployment and disability contribute to lower self-esteem (van Soest et al., 2018).
• A more mature personality and emotional stability are linked to higher self-esteem (van Soest et al., 2018).
• Social norms (the importance of friends’ and family members’ opinions) about one’s body and exercise habits are negatively linked to self-esteem, while exercise self-efficacy and self-fulfillment are positively linked to self-esteem (Chang & Suttikun, 2017).

If you’re thinking that an important technological factor is missing, go on to the next section and see if you’re right!

Although you may have found some of the findings on self-esteem covered earlier surprising, you will most likely expect this one: studies suggest that social media usage negatively impacts self-esteem (Friedlander, 2016).

This effect is easy to understand. Humans are social creatures and need interaction with others to stay healthy and happy; however, we also use those around us as comparisons to measure and track our own progress in work, relationships, and life in general. Social media makes these comparisons easier than ever, but they give this tendency to compare a dark twist.

What we see on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter is not representative of real life. It is often carefully curated and painstakingly presented to give the best possible impression.

We rarely see the sadness, the failure, and the disappointment that accompanies everyday human life; instead, we see a perfect picture, a timeline full of only good news, and short blurbs about achievements, accomplishments, and happiness .

Although this social comparison with unattainable standards is clearly a bad habit to get into, social media is not necessarily a death knell for your self-esteem. Moderate social media usage complemented by frequent self-reminders that we are often only seeing the very best in others can allow us to use social media posts as inspiration and motivation rather than unhealthy comparison.

You don’t need to give up social media for good in order to maintain a healthy sense of self-esteem—just use it mindfully and keep it in the right perspective!

By viewing self-esteem as a muscle to grow we establish a world of new opportunities. No longer do we have to view ourselves in the same light.

Use these 10 tips to strengthen the attitudes towards yourself:

1. Spend time with people who lift you up 2. Giveback by helping others 3. Celebrate your achievements, no matter the size 4. Do what makes you happy 5. Change what you can – and let go of what you can’t 6. Let go of perfectionism ideals 7. Speak to yourself like a friend 8. Get involved in extra-curricula’s 9. Own your uniqueness 10. Create a positive self-dialogue.

Influential American author, Jack Canfield explains “Daily affirmations are to the mind what exercise is to the body.” (watch this YouTube clip).

Affirmations are a great way to boost your self-esteem and, in turn, your overall wellbeing. There are tons of examples of affirmations you can use for this purpose, including these 17 from Develop Good Habits :

• Mistakes are a stepping stone to success. They are the path I must tread to achieve my dreams.
• I will continue to learn and grow.
• Mistakes are just an apprenticeship to achievement.
• I deserve to be happy and successful.
• I deserve a good life. I deny any need for suffering and misery.
• I am competent, smart, and able.
• I am growing and changing for the better.
• I love the person I am becoming.
• I believe in my skills and abilities.
• I have great ideas. I make useful contributions.
• I acknowledge my own self-worth; my self-confidence is rising.
• I am worthy of all the good things that happen in my life.
• I am confident with my life plan and the way things are going.
• I deserve the love I am given.
• I let go of the negative feelings about myself and accept all that is good.
• I will stand by my decisions. They are sound and reasoned.
• I have, or can quickly get, all the knowledge I need to succeed.

If none of these leap out and inspire you, you can always create your own! Just keep in mind these three simple rules for creating effective affirmations:

• The affirmations should be in the present tense. They must affirm your value and worth right here, right now (e.g., not “I will do better tomorrow” but “I am doing great today.”).
• The affirmations should be positively worded. They should not deny or reject anything (i.e., “I am not a loser.”), but make a firm statement (e.g., “I am a worthy person.”).
• The affirmations should make you feel good and put you in a positive light. They should not be empty words and they should be relevant to your life (e.g., “I am a world-class skier” is relevant if you ski, but is not a good affirmation if you don’t ski.).

Use these three rules to put together some positive, uplifting, and encouraging affirmations that you can repeat as often as needed—but aim for at least once a day.

There are many, many books available on self-esteem: what it is, what influences it, how it can be developed, and how it can be encouraged in others (particularly children). Here is just a sample of some of the most popular and well-received books on self-esteem :

• Self-Esteem: A Proven Program of Cognitive Techniques for Assessing, Improving, and Maintaining Your Self-Esteem by Matthew McKay, PhD ( Amazon )
• The Self-Esteem Guided Journal by Matthew McKay & C. Sutker ( Amazon )
• Ten Days to Self-Esteem by David D. Burns, MD ( Amazon )
• The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem: The Definitive Work on Self-Esteem by the Leading Pioneer in the Field by Nathanial Branden (if you’re not a big reader, check out the animated book review video below) ( Amazon )
• The Self-Esteem Workbook by Glenn R. Schiraldi, PhD ( Amazon )
• The Self-Esteem Workbook for Teens: Activities to Help You Build Confidence and Achieve Your Goals by Lisa M. Schab, LCSW ( Amazon )
• Believing in Myself by E Larsen & C Hegarty. ( Amazon )
• Being Me: A Kid’s Guide to Boosting Confidence and Self-Esteem by Wendy L. Moss, PhD ( Amazon )
• Healing Your Emotional Self: A Powerful Program to Help You Raise Your Self-Esteem, Quiet Your Inner Critic, and Overcome Your Shame by Beverly Engel ( Amazon )

Plus, here’s a bonus—a free PDF version of Nathaniel Branden’s The Psychology of Self-Esteem: A Revolutionary Approach to Self-Understanding That Launched a New Era in Modern Psychology .

If reading is not a preferred method of learning more, fear not! There are some great YouTube videos and TED Talks on self-esteem. A few of the most popular and most impactful are included here.

Why Thinking You’re Ugly is Bad for You by Meaghan Ramsey

This TED talk is all about the importance of self-esteem and the impact of negative self-esteem, especially on young people and girls. Ramsey notes that low self-esteem impacts physical as well as mental health, the work we do, and our overall finances as we chase the perfect body, the perfect face, or the perfect hair. She ends by outlining the six areas addressed by effective self-esteem programs:

• The influence of family, friends, and relationships
• The media and celebrity culture
• How to handle teasing and bullying
• The way we compete and compare ourselves with others
• The way we talk about appearance
• The foundations of respecting and caring for yourself

Meet Yourself: A User’s Guide to Building Self-Esteem by Niko Everett

Another great TEDx Talk comes from the founder of the Girls for Change organization, Niko Everett. In this talk, she goes over the power of self-knowledge, self-acceptance, and self-love. She highlights the importance of the thoughts we have about ourselves and the impact they have on our self-esteem and shares some techniques to help both children and adults enhance their self-esteem.

Self-Esteem – Understanding & Fixing Low Self-Esteem by Actualized.org

This video from Leo Gura at Actualized.org defines self-esteem, describes the elements of self-esteem, and the factors that influence self-esteem. He shares why self-esteem is important and how it can be developed and enhanced.

How to Build Self Esteem – The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden Animated Book Review by FightMediocrity

This quick, 6-minute video on self-esteem outlines what author Nathaniel Branden sees as the “Six Pillars” of self-esteem:

• The practice of living consciously Be aware of your daily activities and relationship with others, insecure reflections, and also personal priorities.
• The practice of self-acceptance This includes becoming aware and accepting the best and the worst parts of you and also the disowned parts of ourselves.
• The practice of self-responsibility This implies realizing that you are responsible for your choices and actions.
• The practice of self-assertiveness Act through your real convictions and feelings as much as possible.
• The practice of living purposefully Achieve personal goals that energize your existence.
• The practice of personal integrity Don’t compensate your ideals, beliefs, and behaviors for a result that leads to incongruence. When your behaviors are congruent with your ideals, integrity will appear.

The speaker provides a definition and example of each of the six pillars and finishes the video by emphasizing the first two words of each pillar: “The Practice.” These words highlight that the effort applied to building self-esteem is, in fact, the most important factor in developing self-esteem.

Sometimes all you need to get to work on bettering yourself is an inspirational quote. The value of quotes is subjective, so these may not all resonate with you, but hopefully, you will find that at least one or two lights that spark within you!

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”

Sharon Salzberg

“The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.”

Michel de Montaigne

“The man who does not value himself, cannot value anything or anyone.”

“Dare to love yourself as if you were a rainbow with gold at both ends.”

“As long as you look for someone else to validate who you are by seeking their approval, you are setting yourself up for disaster. You have to be whole and complete in yourself. No one can give you that. You have to know who you are—what others say is irrelevant.”

“I don’t want everyone to like me; I should think less of myself if some people did.”

Henry James

“Remember, you have been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.”

Louise L. Hay

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?”

Marianne Williamson

“I don’t entirely approve of some of the things I have done, or am, or have been. But I’m me. God knows, I’m me.”

“To me, self-esteem is not self-love. It is self-acknowledgement, as in recognizing and accepting who you are.”

Amity Gaige

“Self-esteem is as important to our well-being as legs are to a table. It is essential for physical and mental health and for happiness.”

Louise Hart

“Self-esteem is made up primarily of two things: feeling lovable and feeling capable. Lovable means I feel people want to be with me. They invite me to parties; they affirm I have the qualities necessary to be included. Feeling capable is knowing that I can produce a result. It’s knowing I can handle anything that life hands me.”

Jack Canfield

“You can’t let someone else lower your self-esteem, because that’s what it is—self-esteem. You need to first love yourself before you have anybody else love you.”

Winnie Harlow

“A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.”

“Our self-respect tracks our choices. Every time we act in harmony with our authentic self and our heart, we earn our respect. It is that simple. Every choice matters.” Dan Coppersmith

17 Exercises To Foster Self-Acceptance and Compassion

Help your clients develop a kinder, more accepting relationship with themselves using these 17 Self-Compassion Exercises [PDF] that promote self-care and self-compassion.

Created by Experts. 100% Science-based.

We hope you enjoyed this opportunity to learn about self-esteem! If you take only one important lesson away from this piece, make sure it’s this one: you absolutely can build your own self-esteem, and you can have a big impact on the self-esteem of those you love.

Self-esteem is not a panacea—it will not fix all of your problems or help you sail smoothly through a life free of struggle and suffering—but it will help you find the courage to try new things, build the resilience to bounce back from failure, and make you more susceptible to success.

It is something we have to continually work towards, but it’s absolutely achievable.

Stay committed.

Keep aware of your internal thoughts and external surroundings. Keep focused on your personal goals and all that is possible when self-doubt isn’t holding you back.

What are your thoughts on self-esteem in psychology? Should we be encouraging it more? Less? Is there an “ideal amount” of self-esteem? We’d love to hear from you! Leave your thoughts in the comments below.

You can read more about self-esteem worksheets and exercises for adults and teens here .

Thanks for reading!

We hope you enjoyed reading this article. Don’t forget to download our three Self Compassion Exercises for free .

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Interesting, and clear and quite precise in this definitions…..definitions are the most important.

Extremely good article addressing the prevalence of low self-esteem in Western society and how to overcome it. But did it consider the possibility self-esteem could ever be too high? I am still influenced by my old-school upbringing, where being labeled as “conceited” was a a thing. I was told that’s only an attempt to compensate for low self esteem, along with “egomania” and other disorders, but perhaps related to the driven personalities that have influenced much of history.

Excellent, Elaborative, Enduring and Eloquent ESSAY 🙂 Loved this article, very clear, very informative, very useful and practically implementable if determined to improve the quality of one’s life. THANK YOU is a small word for the author of this article.

thak you for this good article

Very helpful. Thank you very much

Thanks for sharing it. I’m happy after reading it , please keep continue to enlighten people

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Teenage insecurities, 5 steps parents can take to help remedy teen angst..

Posted July 16, 2015 | Reviewed by Kaja Perina

Even the most confident and outspoken people have some things about themselves that they are not completely happy or satisfied with. It is completely natural to sometimes doubt the choices we have made, regret the things we have said, or want to improve ourselves in some area. In fact, fighting complacency is essential for making progress and reaching new heights. However, critical self-assessment is not the same as insecurity. Insecurity arises from the lack of confidence and feeds upon a weak character, whereas only those who are confident in themselves can impartially judge their own imperfections. It takes time to learn how to gain a footing in your life and comfortably grow into your own skin.

During teenage years insecurities are omnipresent and rife; in truth, overcoming self-doubt is a major part of growing up and maturing into adults. While insecurities do affect every teenager, they manifest themselves differently and with varying intensity, depending on a person’s strength of character and environment. Teenage years are challenging in many ways. It is the time of great changes in life, and with the changes come pressure, worrying, uncertainty, and fear . Under such circumstances, sometimes a seemingly small incident can escalate into a major anxiety , which may engender a potentially self-destructive coping mechanism.

Teens face pressure from a multitude of sources, not least themselves. Peer, parental, and societal pressure, compounded by hormonal changes, continuously cut the ground from under their feet and feed into their insecurities. Adolescence is the time when yesterday’s children start making their own decisions, search for the ways to express themselves, and benchmark their worth against one another. A previously solid bond between a parent and a child tends to weaken during this time and the relationship resembles a roller-coaster ride more than anything else. Facing challenges with a compromised support system, or without having someone to rely on, is a daunting task indeed.

Pinpointing specific causes of teenage insecurities oftentimes proves a difficult task for parents. Most teenagers don’t share or discuss their doubts with others—especially adults—which makes it hard to figure out what troubles them and how the situation can be remedied. That said, the causes of teenage insecurities are countless: being alone, rejected, not a part of the popular crew; having bad grades, not-good-enough-for-mom-and-dad grades, not-good-enough-for-college grades; making mistakes, failing to achieve something, and therefore, disappointing one’s friends, parents, teachers, or oneself; having the “wrong kind of” body, clothes, hobbies, entourage, and the list goes on.

According to Real Girls, Real Pressure: A National Report on the State of Self-Esteem , commissioned by the Dove Self-Esteem Fund, seven in ten girls believe they are not good enough or do not measure up in some way, including their looks, performance in school, and relationships with friends and family members. The researchers contend that these insecurities sprout from low self-esteem and that teenage girls with inadequate self-worth are more likely to engage in harmful coping behaviors. However, it is not just the girls who fall prey to insecurities—boys get affected just as much, according to the National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health, published in Psychology of Men & Masculinity journal . Just like their female counterparts, teenage boys excessively worry about their body image , which is a risk factor for elevated depressive symptoms among adolescent boys.

If not addressed, teenage insecurities may persist well into early adulthood. An alarming fact, considering the potential harmful effects of teenage insecurities and low self-confidence . Trouble sleeping , aggression , withdrawal, clinical anxiety, and depression are among the issues that insecure teens struggle most with. When a struggle proves too much for them to handle, teens often adopt dangerous coping mechanisms, such as disorderly eating or substance abuse , which in reality only make things worse, and in extreme cases may even be lethal.

To ensure peace of mind and safety of their children during adolescence, parents need to take early preemptive action. Helping children build self-confidence and instill a sense of self-worth from a young age is fundamental for helping them fight their insecurities later in life. Still, teenage years are full of uncertainty and teens’ self-confidence can be easily swayed, so even most confident teens need parental reassurance from time to time. To help teenagers improve their self-esteem during adolescence, and also strengthen and maintain a positive relationship, parents should take advantage of the following few pieces of advice:

• Eliminate negativity form words and thoughts. Start with positive self-talk . It is very easy to get frustrated with people who don’t cooperate and lose your cool with them; easy but unproductive. To understand and support a struggling child, you need to help them open up to you about things that burden them. If you criticize your children for every petty detail, they will not share their concerns with you for the fear of being judged and censured. In order to sustain a positive dynamic between you two, you must maintain positive outlook at all times, even when your child is not around.
• Foster open communication. If something is troubling your child, you should be the first person they would come to ask for help. You need to let your teenagers know that they can tell you anything, that you will listen and won’t judge, that you will try to understand the problem from their point of view, and that you will offer constructive feedback, reassurance, and advice instead of condescending “What kind of a problem is that?” “It’s your own fault!” or “I told you so.”
• Identify the triggers. What causes your child’s anxiety, aggression, or reticence? Where do their fears come from? What makes you react one way or another in a course of a discussion or an argument with your teenager? Knowing their—and your—triggers is a powerful weapon for facilitating a conversation with your teen as well as removing them from the “danger zones,” thus reducing their stress levels.
• Ensure structure wherever possible. Structure gives teens that extra layer of comfort and support, and instills a greater sense of stability in them. When going through an emotional turmoil, teens get easily overwhelmed by the simplest inconveniences or unforeseen circumstances. Structure brings certainty, it gives them something to rely and count on when everything else seems to be in chaos.
• Help the teens work on their goals and strategies to achieve them. To fight uncertainty, you need to rely on your goals and progress benchmarks. Uncertainty can make you feel helpless and stuck in one place—often a bad one—in life. Sense of achievement is indispensable for building self-confidence in teens. Setting realistic goals, breaking those into smaller sub-goals, and measuring related progress can make a difference in your child’s attitude and outlook on the world.

Beverly D. Flaxington teaches at Suffolk University.

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Self-Esteem Makes Successful Relationships

Research has well-established the link between good self-esteem and relationship satisfaction. Self-esteem not only affects how we think about ourselves, but also how much love we’re able to receive and how we treat others, especially in intimate relationships.

A person’s initial level of self-esteem prior to the relationship predicts partners’ common relationship satisfaction. More specifically, although happiness generally declines slightly over time, this isn’t true for people who enter a relationship with higher levels of self-esteem. The steepest decline is for people whose self-esteem was lower to begin with. [1] Frequently, those relationships don’t last. Even though communication skills, emotionality, and stress all influence a relationship, a person’s past experience and personality traits affect how these issues are managed and therefore have the greatest bearing on its outcome. [2]

How Self-Esteem Affects Relationships

Self-esteem suffers when you grow up in a dysfunctional family . Often you don’t have a voice. Your opinions and desires aren’t taken seriously. Parents usually have low self-esteem and are unhappy with each other. They themselves neither have nor model good relationship skills, including cooperation, healthy boundaries, assertiveness, and conflict resolution. They may be abusive, or just indifferent, preoccupied, controlling, interfering, manipulative, or inconsistent. Their children’s feelings and personal traits and needs tend to be shamed. As a result, a child feels emotionally abandoned and concludes that he or she is at fault–not good enough to be acceptable to both parents. This is how toxic shame becomes internalized. Children feel insecure, anxious, and/or angry. They don’t feel safe to be, to trust, and to like themselves. They grow up codependent with low self-esteem and learn to hide their feelings, walk on eggshells, withdraw, and try to please or become aggressive.

Attachment Style Reflects Self-Esteem

As a result of their insecurity, shame, and impaired self-esteem, children develop an attachment style that, to varying degrees, is anxious or avoidant. They develop anxious and avoidant attachment styles and behave like pursuers and distancers described in “ The Dance of Intimacy .” At the extreme ends, some individuals cannot tolerate either being alone or too close; either one creates intolerable pain. Anxiety can lead you to sacrifice your needs and please and accommodate your partner. Due to basic insecurity, you’re preoccupied with the relationship and highly attuned to your partner, worrying that he or she wants less closeness. But because you don’t get your needs met, you become unhappy. Adding to this, you take things personally with a negative twist, projecting negative outcomes. Low self-esteem makes you hide your truth so as not to “make waves,” which compromises real intimacy. You may also be jealous of your partner’s attention to others and call or text frequently, even when asked not to. By repeated attempts to seek reassurance, you unintentionally push your partner away even further. Both of you end up unhappy. Avoiders, as the term implies, avoid closeness and intimacy through distancing behaviors, such as flirting, making unilateral decisions, addiction, ignoring their partner, or dismissing his or her feelings and needs. This creates tension in the relationship, usually voiced by the anxious partner. Because avoiders are hypervigilant about their partner’s attempts to control or limit their autonomy in any way, they then distance themselves even more. Neither style contributes to satisfying relationships.

Communication Reveals Self-Esteem

Dysfunctional families lack good communication skills that intimate relationships require. Not only are they important to any relationship, they also reflect self-esteem. They involve speaking clearly, honestly, concisely, and assertively, and the ability to listen, as well. They require that you know and are able to clearly communicate your needs, wants, and feelings, including the ability to set boundaries. The more intimate the relationship, the more important and more difficult practicing these skills becomes.

Codependents generally have problems with assertiveness. At the same time, they deny their feelings and needs, due to the fact that they were shamed or ignored in their childhood. They also consciously suppress what they think and feel so as not to anger or alienate their partner and risk criticism or emotional abandonment. Instead, they rely on mindreading, asking questions, caretaking, blaming, lying, criticizing, avoiding problems or ignoring or controlling their partner. They learn these strategies from the dysfunctional communication witnessed in their families growing up. But these behaviors are problematic in themselves and can lead to escalating conflict, characterized by attacks, blame, and withdrawal. Walls get erected that block openness, closeness, and happiness. Sometimes, a partner seeks closeness with a third person, threatening the stability of the relationship.

Boundaries Protect Self-Esteem

Dysfunctional families have dysfunctional boundaries , which get handed down through parents’ behavior and example. They may be controlling, invasive, disrespectful, use their children for their own needs, or project their feelings onto them. This undermines children’s self-esteem. As adults, they too, have dysfunctional boundaries. They have trouble accepting other people’s differences or allowing others’ space, particularly in intimate relationships. Without boundaries, they can’t say no or protect themselves when necessary and take personally what others say. They tend to feel responsible for others’ stated or imagined feelings, needs, and actions, to which they react, contributing to escalating conflict. Their partner feels that he or she can’t express themselves without triggering a defensive reaction.

Intimacy Requires Self-Esteem

We all have needs for both separateness and individuality as well as for being close and connected. Autonomy requires self-esteem — both necessary in relationships. It’s an ability to stand on your own and trust and motivate yourself. But when you don’t like yourself, you’re in miserable company spending time alone. It takes courage to communicate assertively in an intimate relationship — courage that comes with self-acceptance, which enables you to value and honor your feelings and needs and risk criticism or rejection in voicing them. This also means you feel deserving of love and are comfortable receiving it. You wouldn’t waste your time pursuing someone unavailable or push away someone who loved you and met your needs.

Healing toxic shame from childhood takes working with a skilled therapist; however, shame can be diminished, self-esteem raised, and attachment style changed by altering the way you interact with yourself and others. In fact, self-esteem is learned, which is why I wrote 10 Steps to Self-Esteem and Conquering Shame and Codependency. Both books contain lots of self-help exercises. Sharing at 12-Step meetings is also very beneficial. Because assertiveness can be learned and also raises self-esteem, I wrote How to Speak Your Mind — Become Assertive and Set Limits , which guides you in learning those skills.

Couples therapy is an ideal way to achieve greater relationship satisfaction. When one partner refuses to participate, it’s nonetheless helpful if one willing partner does. Research confirms that the improved self-esteem of one partner increases relationship satisfaction for both. [3] Often, when only one person enters therapy, the relationship changes for the better and happiness increases for the couple. If not, the client’s mood improves and he or she is more able to accept the status quo or leave the relationship.

©Darlene Lancer 2016

[1] Lavner, J. A., Bradbury, T. N., & Karney, B. R. (2012). “Incremental change or initial differences? Testing two models of marital deterioration.” Journal of Family Psychology , 26, 606–616.

[2] Bradbury, T. N., & Lavner, J. A. (2012). “How can we improve preventive and educational interventions for intimate relationships?” Behavior Therapy, 43, 113–122.

[3] Erol, Ruth Yasemin; Orth, Ulrich, “Development of self-esteem and relationship satisfaction in couples: Two longitudinal studies.” Developmental Psychology,” 2014, Vol. 50, No. 9, 2291–2303

Happy guy photo available from Shutterstock

Last medically reviewed on February 28, 2016

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Insecurity and Self-Esteem: Elucidating the Psychological Foundations of Negative Attitudes toward Women

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AbstractPolitical scientists recognize discriminatory attitudes as key to understanding a range of political preferences. Sexism is associated with both explicitly and non-explicitly gendered attitudes. But why do certain individuals display discriminatory attitudes, while others do not? Drawing from psychology, we examine the potential power of an underexplored set of personality traits—secure versus fragile self-esteem—in explaining gendered attitudes and preferences. With an online sample of (N = 487) U.S.-based participants, we find that fragile self-esteem is an important trait underlying individuals’ attitudes: individuals who display a discordant view of self—explicitly positive but implicitly negative—are more likely to hold hostile sexist attitudes and prefer men in leadership; these individuals are also more likely to support the Republican Party and former U.S. president Donald Trump. While present in only a fraction of the population, our results suggest that this trait may be important for understanding the development of discriminatory attitudes toward out-groups.

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The Burden of My Insecurities: How They Affect My Life

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