comparing yourself to others essay

We Do Better When We’re Not Comparing Ourselves to Others

Comparison is a dangerous game..

Posted April 23, 2021 | Reviewed by Lybi Ma

Theodore Roosevelt said the following about comparison, “Comparison Is the Thief of Joy.” When we compare ourselves to others, we rob ourselves of our own happiness . Through comparison, we either feel a sense of inferiority or superiority, and either route you take does not create lasting happiness.

These days, it feels almost impossible to avoid comparison with social media , the internet, and the constant access into people’s lives. At any moment of any day, we can pick up our phones and see a small moment of someone else’s life, and as a result, we may think: “Why am I not doing what she’s doing?” “I’m so much better than him.” Either way, this thought process only harms us and can be seen as wasted energy since social media is a tiny snapshot of someone’s lived experience.

Aside from social media, there are countless other ways to compare ourselves with others. We can compare how we look to strangers when we’re out running errands. We can compare ourselves to neighbors and assess what we have vs. what they have. We can compare ourselves to our relatives and what we’ve accomplished in our lives vs. what they’ve accomplished. Another common comparison scenario is comparing your work performance to your colleague's. This may in fact be encouraged by your company because they think that comparison drives competition and increases profits. It’s a vicious cycle to get caught up in, whether you started the comparison game or not.

How do we free ourselves from the comparison game and refocus the attention on ourselves?

The first thing we have to do is acknowledge that comparison doesn’t serve us, whether our focus is on being better than or less than others. Ending the comparison cycle is easier said than done because it can be alluring to compare yourself to others. This is because there will always be people that we’re doing “better” than. On the flip side, there is also someone who is doing better than us. You will always find someone with a better job, a nicer home, a better wardrobe, and the list goes on. The moral: If we compare ourselves, we will always lose. This is because there will always be someone who has more than us, no matter how high up the ladder we already are. Instead of falling into this trap, we must first acknowledge that comparison exists, but it doesn’t mean we have to engage with it.

A song that illustrates this point well is What Makes You Beautiful by One Direction. The purpose of the song is that no matter how good you are at something, or how beautiful you are when you compare yourself to others it robs you of your own joy.

What do you do if you want to feel good about yourself? Instead of building yourself up through witnessing other people’s shortcomings, a better approach would be to recognize that your accomplishments are only measured by how good something makes you feel. The person whose opinion matters the most is your own. Once you stop comparing yourself to others, you can really begin to enjoy what you’re doing and just live in the moment. Constant comparison robs us of joy and being present because the focus is centered on other people, not ourselves.

We may be able to control how we speak to and praise ourselves, but we don’t have control over other people praising us. It’s hard to avoid heading down the comparison trap when we receive praise from other people. When we receive compliments, it’s important to say thank you, and then remind yourself that you are no better than the person next to you, just because you received a compliment. A great way to bring yourself back to earth is to think of other people who are better than you in the very thing you received a compliment for. For example, because I’ve had a lot of education , people compliment my intelligence . To quell any sense of superiority, I think of all the people in the world who are much smarter than I am. This doesn’t make me feel inferior or less than. In fact, this practice relaxes me. It stops these compliments from getting to my head. The next time you receive praise or a compliment, I recommend gently reminding yourself that no matter what, there are always people who know more or are better than you. The focus should be on how can I enjoy what I’m doing more, not how can I outperform others.

What if our work or schooling puts emphasis on ranking or comparing ourselves with others? This is common—through bonuses, teacher of the year, the employee of the month, etc. How can we avoid the comparison trap when our environment is forcibly comparing us with others? We must acknowledge that the comparison game is being played, but we don’t necessarily have to play it. How we prepare for an exam, performance, or presentation doesn’t have to change, but when we receive our results, it’s important to not pay any mind to our standing. Remember, giving energy to our ranking, or comparing ourselves to others, takes away our own joy. What really matters is doing your best under the given circumstances.

You may be thinking that choosing the path of not caring about rankings or grades will cause you to perform poorly. But I believe that the opposite is true. Have you ever heard of the concept ‘being in the zone?' This means you’re exhibiting excellence in the moment. In these situations, which have been studied significantly, comparison is not present. We actually do our best in life when we’re not comparing ourselves to others.

When we don’t give into the comparison game, we have the opportunity to refocus our attention on ourselves, and to live a life that best represents our dreams and passions. When we choose to not let comparison dictate the way we see ourselves, the only person’s opinion that matters, in the end, is our own. Here we’re able to live our life to the fullest, one day at a time.

Robert Puff, Ph.D. , is host and producer of the Happiness Podcast, with over 16 million downloads.

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The Stress of Social Comparison and How to Limit Comparing Yourself to Others

Elizabeth Scott, PhD is an author, workshop leader, educator, and award-winning blogger on stress management, positive psychology, relationships, and emotional wellbeing.

Oscar Wong / Getty Images

We Start Comparing Ourselves to Each Other From a Young Age

There are two types of social comparison, your self-esteem level influences how well you deal with social comparison, comparisons create so much stress, social media plays a major role in social comparison, is comparing yourself to other people always a bad thing not always., how to free yourself from social comparison.

Comparing ourselves to each other is a natural human behavior that has evolved to help us live together as a cohesive group, to help us learn from one another, and to keep us from falling too far behind our potential.

It also helps us to define ourselves, to gauge how we’re doing in various areas of life based on what appears to be possible, and can even seem to help us feel better about ourselves in many cases. It can also be stressful, however, and it can make us more competitive than we need to be.

Social comparison is a common human dynamic that first rears its head when children are very small. Think of the toddlers who get upset or throw a tantrum whenever they see another kid with a new toy that they don't have.

Social comparison gains momentum in elementary school when kids follow fads. To be considered "cool" you have to be watching the latest tv show or wearing the best clothes.

Then, in high school, the world of brand names, popular music, cliques, and FOMO is when social comparison really takes hold, and it never quite goes away as people focus on getting into the best colleges, landing the best jobs, marrying someone their friends might envy, and building a picture-perfect life with them.

Adults face many of the same social comparison pressures as teens to one degree or another: comparing looks, social status, material items, and even relationships.

Researchers have identified two types of social comparison :

• Upward social comparison: Here we look at people we feel are better off than we are in an attempt to become inspired and more hopeful. For instance, you might feel inspired by your boss. Maybe they've really excelled in their career and you admire their leadership style and their accomplishments. You compare yourself to try and make changes so that you can get on their level one day. You might even be envious or jealous of their success.
• Downward social comparison: Here we look at people who we feel are worse off than we are, in an effort to feel better about ourselves and our situation. This sounds pretty mean, but everyone has done it at some point or another. Let's say you're tight on money for the weekend and you're upset that won't be able to go see a live band with your friends. Then, if you happen to see someone who is homeless, you might begin to feel slightly better about your own financial situation because it allows you to put your life in a new perspective.

Some of the factors that affect whether social comparisons are helpful or harmful are our self-esteem , the stressors we already have in our lives, and whether we’re making upward or downward social comparisons.

People who have higher self-esteem and fewer stressors in their lives tend to fare better with social comparisons. They also might be less inclined to compare themselves to other people altogether.

Those with lower self-esteem, or who experience greater threats or stress in their lives, tend to use downward comparisons more often. This can lift their mood, but not as much as it does in those who are already doing better in these areas.

Upward social comparisons—comparing ourselves to those who are better off as a way to get inspired can make us feel just that—inspired. People embarking on a particular career path might follow their favorite journalists on Instagram to stay motivated to achieve their own goals.

People with lower self-esteem or who have recently experienced a career setback can feel worse when they make upward social comparisons, experiencing both a drop in mood and often an increase in stress.

Social comparison comes in many forms. Basically, whenever people gather, we have a tendency to compare ourselves and usually form some sort of hierarchy, formal or unspoken. Clubs have officers who are elected and awards that are given to those who excel, and most people are aware of the more influential members.

Moms’ groups compare their babies’ milestones and their relationships both in an effort to be sure their kids are progressing and to measure their own success as moms. From the high achievers to those looking for friends and fun, we tend to compare.

Both Social Comparison Types Can Lead to Stress

These comparisons can stress us, however, as we may find ourselves lacking when we make upward social comparisons. We may come off as conceited or competitive when we make downward social comparisons, which can create stress in our relationships.

Many people find that social media exacerbates social comparison in all the worst ways, making many of us feel worse about ourselves.

Social media takes social comparison to a whole new level. We see who is doing what we’re not, and we may become stressed wondering if we’re doing enough, earning enough, and enjoying life enough. We compare our regular lives with other people’s curated best memories.

We don't know whether they’re just posting their highlights and the best photos out of dozens, or if they’re really sharing casual and spontaneous events as they happen.

Either way, many people find that social media exacerbates social comparison in all the worst ways, making many of us feel worse about ourselves and lowering our self-esteem.

While these feelings can sometimes be automatic, we don’t need to let our instincts toward social comparison be an important part of who we are. We can minimize these tendencies and counteract them with a little effort so we feel less stressed by them. The first step, however, is being aware of social comparison in ourselves and in others.

While a little surprising, there can be a positive aspect to competitiveness and social comparison.

For instance, when our friends are doing well, they inspire us to be our best as well, which is the upside of upward social comparison. (This is particularly true if they share the secrets of their success).

We often do better if we’re striving to keep up with a role model or successful friend, and we can make ourselves better by supporting others.

And when we compare ourselves to others who have it worse than us, we tend to appreciate what we have and show more gratitude and empathy. We often do better if we’re striving to keep up with a role model or successful friend, and we can make ourselves better by supporting others.

Avoiding Embarrassment or Failure Can Motivate People

Even the desire to avoid the embarrassment of failure can be a good motivator. The main difference between friendly competition and the competition of “frenemies” is the supportiveness factor. Frenemies seem to delight in one-upmanship and the failure of others. True friends, on the other hand, motivate you to succeed, delight in your successes, and help keep you going in tough times.

If you find yourself in the trap of social comparison, feeling somewhat hooked on feelings of superiority from downward social comparison, or beating yourself up when you make upward social comparisons, it's important to get out of this mental trap.

Here are some simple ways you can train your brain to care less about what others are doing or thinking.

Find Role Models

If you’re working to keep up with role models, you can gain the benefits of their success (personal motivation, seeing what works for them, etc.) without adding the element of competitiveness to your own relationships. So, it might be better to follow an influencer or celebrity rather than look to your closest friend as a role model as that could inadvertently put a strain on your relationship.

Create a Support Circle

To help avoid harmful comparisons, try building a circle of supportive people and focus on them. This can be a group of friends who share a common goal. You can start an exercise group or another group built around a goal that’s either formal or informal.

If you're into creative writing or film, you can find a group of people who are also interested in the creative arts and get together from time to time and critique each other's work.

Find an Accountability Partner

You can also find an accountability partner to keep each other motivated. Rather than a group, you and your accountability partner can check in with each other on your goals, celebrate together, and help motivate one another to stick with the plan.

This is particularly helpful because it provides both of you with individualized moral support, a bit of added responsibility to stick with the plan (or you’ll be letting your partner and yourself down), and it makes celebrating small victories a little more fun.

Count Your Blessings

When you find yourself making comparisons, try to “even the score” in your head. If you’re feeling envious of someone else’s victory, remind yourself of your own triumphs and strengths. If you’re feeling judgmental, remind yourself of the strengths of the other person and the special things they bring to the table.

Keep a Gratitude Journal

It also helps to maintain an ongoing gratitude journal so you stay in the frame of mind of counting your blessings rather than what you lack. This also helps you to stay focused on your own life and not the lives of others.

Cultivate Altruism

There are many benefits of altruism , so cultivating it as a habitual thought pattern can be even better for you than for those who benefit from your kindness. See what small things you can do for your friends and strangers. Practice loving-kindness meditation . Be your best self and you won’t feel as prone to compare.

Wang JL, Wang HZ, Gaskin J, Hawk S. The Mediating Roles of Upward Social Comparison and Self-esteem and the Moderating Role of Social Comparison Orientation in the Association between Social Networking Site Usage and Subjective Well-Being .  Front Psychol . 2017;8:771. Published 2017 May 11. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2017.00771

Aspinwall LG, Taylor SE. Effects of social comparison direction, threat, and self-esteem on affect, self-evaluation, and expected success .  Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. 1993;64( 5):708–722.

Taylor-Jackson J, Moustafa AA. The relationships between social media use and factors relating to depression .  The Nature of Depression . 2021;171-182. doi:10.1016/B978-0-12-817676-4.00010-9

Chen P, Garcia SM. Yin and Yang Theory of Competition: Social Comparison and Evaluation Apprehension Reciprocally Drive Competitive Motivation .

Collins RL. For better or worse: The impact of upward social comparison on self-evaluations . Psychological Bulletin . 1996;119(1): 51–69.

By Elizabeth Scott, PhD Elizabeth Scott, PhD is an author, workshop leader, educator, and award-winning blogger on stress management, positive psychology, relationships, and emotional wellbeing.

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Real. intelligent. talk, why you compare yourself to other people (and how to stop).

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A few weeks ago, Jennie and I were sitting at brunch with a group of friends. (Yes, I go to brunch sometimes. I’m not gonna apologize for it; brunch is delightful.) About halfway through our meal, someone brought up the topic of self-comparison.

All of us at the table agreed that we’ve been guilty of this particular behavior, and wondered why — despite our ages and accomplishments — we continued comparing ourselves to other people, even though we knew it was a pointless and often destructive tendency.

That’s when John, who had been quiet throughout this conversation, chimed in.

“Actually, I feel like I compare myself to other people relatively rarely,” he said, with a satisfied smile.

We all looked around at each other, then back at him.

“You mean…compared to other people?” someone else asked.

John stared at us for a moment, then broke into a laugh.

In that moment, we knew that this was one of those secrets we all shared, a habit we just can’t seem to beat, even when it seems like we’ve beat it.

We All Compare Ourselves to Other People

We do this even when the comparisons aren’t meaningful. Even when they make us unhappy. Even when they don’t actually make us better, smarter, or more productive human beings.

And we seem to be doing it more and more — as if this plague of constant self-comparison really only became a phenomenon in the last five years. Which, in a big way, it has, but we’ll get to that in just a minute.

So why do we compare ourselves to other people?

Is there any benefit to seeing how we stack up against others?

And if there isn’t, how can we stop ?

Look at Me (Looking at You) (Looking at Me)

We’re designed to understand ourselves. This capacity for self-reflection is one of the defining characteristics of our species. It’s what makes us look up at the stars and ponder our purpose, keeps us from behaving like freshmen on spring break at the office Christmas party, and pushes us to cooperate and compete with the other highly evolved apes we interact with every day.

In other words, we have a fundamental need to evaluate ourselves, and the only way to do that is in reference to something else .

And since we live in a world populated by other life forms that look and behave a lot like us, that something else becomes someone else — other people.

Which is why you’ll compare yourself to a model on the cover of Vogue or the ripped guy in your bootcamp class, rather than your internal standard of beauty or a textbook on human physiology.

When nonsocial concepts aren’t available or compelling enough for comparison — and, spoiler alert, they’re usually not — we’ll start to see how we stack up against other people.

This peculiar drive was first explored seriously by a social psychologist named Leon Festinger in 1954.

Festinger basically said that people evaluate their opinions and abilities by comparing themselves to other people for two reasons:

First, to reduce uncertainty in the areas in which they’re comparing themselves.

And second, to learn how to define themselves.

He called this concept social comparison theory , and it’s one of the biggest contributions to the field of social psychology.

What Festinger really nailed was that human beings can’t actually define themselves intrinsically or independently. They can only define themselves in relation to someone else. When it comes to the big questions of Identity and Self and Who the Hell Am I? , we need to look at other people.

But he actually went a bit further than that, and that’s where things really get interesting.

For one thing, Festinger pointed out that the tendency to compare ourselves to another person decreases as the difference between our opinion or ability and the other person’s increases .

In other words, the more similar we are to another person in some way we think is important, the more we tend to compare ourselves to that person.

That means we’re more likely to compare ourselves to a colleague at our level than we are to the CEO, just like we’re more likely to compare ourselves to a runner in our weekly running group than we are to Usain Bolt. The difference between you and Usain Bolt is astronomical, but the difference between you and another amateur runner is probably quite small — which makes them a more attainable, and therefore compelling, comparison.

Festinger also pointed out that when we stop comparing ourselves to other people, we often experience hostility and derogation toward those people — as long as continuing to compare ourselves to them brings unpleasant consequences.

In other words, if we stop comparing ourselves to that super fit runner in our running group because it’s making us feel bad, then we’ll tend to deal with those feelings by mentally tearing them down. If we can’t deal with the negative feelings of the comparison, then we’ll swap them for more “helpful” ones — anger, hostility, or a tendency to simply write the other person off.

(If you’ve ever felt a twinge of envy about someone close to you, and then found yourself subtly turning against them in your mind, then this process will sound familiar. It’s a strange script that all of us have running in the background to keep us feeling secure in our positions and self-concepts. Oh, humans.)

Finally — and this is probably the most important thing for us — Festinger pointed out that the more important we think some particular group of people is, the more pressure we’ll feel to conform to that group in our abilities and opinions.

In other words, we’ll feel more pressure to kick ass in our SoulCycle class than we will to perform like a random group of cyclists on the street. The difference is that we think our SoulCycle class is a more important comparison group, whereas the ability of some random cyclists on the street probably matters very little.

(Which, if you think about it, helps explain why we pay so much for those SoulCycle classes. We pay because we think the group is important, but we also think the group is important because we pay — and because everyone else is paying, too. Crazy hall of mirrors, right?)

Now, all of this might sound pretty obvious. We know we have a need to compare ourselves. We know we tend to compare ourselves to people who are similar to us. We know that we compare our abilities and our opinions to groups we deem important. And we know that that comparison often dredges up some unpleasant feelings.

So what? Isn’t that just the way we’re designed? And don’t we need to compare ourselves to other people in order to know how we’re doing? Otherwise, why would we become better ? Is comparing ourselves to other people really so bad?

Great questions.

To answer them, we need to understand why we’re comparing ourselves in the first place.

Self-evaluation vs. Self-enhancement

For years, I listened obsessively to as many podcasts as I could fit into my day. I’d take walks to Terry Gross, make lunch to an up-and-coming amateur interviewer, and fall asleep to Larry King. In a given week, I’d listen to dozens and dozens of podcasts all across the spectrum, from poor to amazing, niche to mainstream.

All the while, I’d be taking mental notes, picking up tricks and tips, trying to see where I fit in the podcast hierarchy, figuring out how I stacked up against my idols and my peers. I did all this in the name of research, as a way of gathering new skills and measuring my progress along the way.

Sometimes listening to these shows would leave me swollen with excitement and pride. Hah! I’m totally better than these guys! I can do this! I’m putting out a kick-ass show!

Other times, listening to them would leave me confused and dejected. Man, I’ve got a lot to learn. I’ll never be as good as these guys. What do they know that I don’t?

It took me years to realize that by comparing myself to other people, I was actually doing two things: trying to figure out how good I actually was, and trying to make myself feel better.

Recognizing the difference between these two motivations for comparison is the key to separating out healthy comparison from unhealthy comparison.

Let’s return to the example of the colleague at work.

Say you compare yourself to Andrea in marketing — she’s the same age, has the same position, and has a similar talent and ability. Out of all the people in the department, Andrea’s the most compelling to compare yourself to, because her skill level is comparable and attainable, and because she’s part of a group (your company) whose opinion matters to you.

So when you’re sitting in a meeting with Andrea, you’ll probably find yourself wondering how you stack up. Do I present as well as she does? Do people care what I say as much as they care about what she says? Are my Excel models as solid? Do people find me as trustworthy and insightful? These questions arise automatically and often unconsciously — as if just by being near Andrea, you can’t help but wonder how you compare.

Behind these questions, though, you’ll notice a few different motivations.

One motivation is to understand the objective quality of your work .

When you compare your presentations to Andrea’s, you’re trying to understand whether your presentations are as interesting, and how they could improve. When you study the way the rest of the team responds to her recommendations, you’re trying to gauge whether your colleagues feel similarly about you, and how you might become more authoritative, convincing, or influential.

In that scenario, Andrea becomes a sort of benchmark — a source of feedback you can use to become better . She’s a model for the level of ability you’re striving toward. She’s a way for you to assess yourself against a relevant source of comparison. That’s not only normal, but essential.

A very different motivation behind the comparison to Andrea is to see yourself more favorably .

From this perspective, when you compare yourself to Andrea, you’re looking to her to help build up your sense of self. When you compare your presentations, you’re looking to feel better about your own persona and style. When you study the way your colleagues respond, you’re looking to confirm that you’re the more talented and respected colleague, that people take you as seriously, that you have more authority or influence or charisma in the office.

In other words, you’re not studying Andrea to improve your self-evaluation. You’re studying her to boost your self-esteem . And that is the kind of comparison that gets us into trouble.

As it happens, this kind of comparison often gives us a very distorted view of ourselves. In fact, research has shown that we tend to prioritize feedback that makes us look good and desirable, and ignore feedback that makes us look weak, undesirable or generally “less than.” So even if we “succeed” in making ourselves feel “better,” our brains are often playing a clever trick with the data we’re using to arrive at that conclusion.

As long as self-enhancement is your goal, then comparing yourself to other people will always make you miserable.

Either your comparison will artificially boost your ego, temporarily making you feel superior to the people you’re comparing yourself to, or your comparison will unearth the vulnerabilities you might not want to face, leaving you exposed to familiar feelings of anger, envy, and shame.

Which brings us back to our original question: Is it really so bad to compare ourselves to other people?

The answer is: it depends.

If we’re comparing ourselves for self- assessment , then wondering how we stack up is natural, healthy, and often very helpful. I’d even argue that it’s necessary.

But if we’re comparing ourselves for self- enhancement , then this process can quickly become obsessive, toxic, and often very confusing.

The problem is that when we compare ourselves, we’re often doing both simultaneously, without even realizing it.

And oftentimes, we think we’re trying to assess ourselves when we’re actually trying to enhance ourselves — which is how we can justify this destructive habit under the guise of “doing our research,” just as I used to do when I listened to all those podcasts.

That’s a trap some of the highest performers in the world can fall into. And it’s one of the biggest paradoxes of self-improvement.

We need to study other people in order to measure our progress. But by measuring our progress, we often end up inflating ourselves, tearing ourselves down, or toggling between one or the other — often at the expense of the people we’re comparing ourselves to.

And those people, in turn, are almost certainly doing the exact same thing with us. And because no one talks about it, we don’t realize that we’re all comparing ourselves to one another in a bizarre, unstable, often toxic hall of mirrors. No wonder all this comparison makes us miserable!

But there’s another reason that comparing ourselves to other people makes us so unhappy. And it has to do with the ideas we already have about ourselves.

Just Tell Me I Am (What I Already Know I Am)

When we compare ourselves to other people, we tend to think of it like fishing: We cast our nets around the people we choose to compare ourselves to, check out the catch of observations that comes back, and then use those observations to form an opinion about ourselves (whether we’re as good, as smart, as talented, as good-looking, and so on).

In reality, the process is much more complicated.

Because when we compare ourselves to other people, we almost always have some preexisting idea about how we stack up. Remember, we’ve been engaging in social comparison since the time we were kids. That means we’ve had years (decades!) to form all kinds of opinions about ourselves — about everything from our professional talents to our social skills, our athletic abilities to our moral standings.

Those opinions are what make up our self-concept and self-esteem. They’re like the scaffolding of our selves, the pylons propping up our identities. Psychologists call these core beliefs self-views , and we carry them around with us wherever we go.

Our self-views are insanely important. They help us make sense of the world around us, and allow us to navigate that world in a way that is safe, coherent, and stable.

For example, if you have a self-view that says I am a capable professional , then that belief is likely to help you to walk into your office with confidence, handle a difficult meeting, and take on a tough new project.

Alternatively, if you have a self-view that says I don’t know enough to be in my position , then that belief will probably make the office a stressful place, encourage you to take a backseat in meetings, and shrink away from more responsibilities.

But here’s what’s interesting: no matter what self-view you happen to hold, that opinion is allowing you to make sense of your world.

With one belief, your world is a positive, promising, growth-oriented place. With the other, it’s a self-conscious, taxing, demanding one.

Either way, the views you hold about yourself will keep that world consistent. And to your mind, it doesn’t matter if those views are totally accurate . It only matters that they work . And they “work” by propping up that self-concept and keeping your world stable and consistent.

So it’s no surprise that these self-views are very precious to us. We need them. And because we need them, our minds become very anxious when those beliefs get threatened. We need to constantly keep feeding them, reinforcing them, building them up.

Because who would we be if we didn’t think these thoughts about ourselves?

What would the world be like without them?

It’s like driving across a rickety bridge every day, knowing that the bridge is in a state of disrepair. The thought of tearing it down and building a new one might be the smartest thing to do, but hey, it’s getting me across, and it’s been getting me across for years, so, you know, maybe let’s just leave the bridge alone. I like this bridge. I know this bridge. Don’t mess with my bridge, man.

So we end up protecting these views about ourselves very carefully. To do that, we seek out feedback that confirms that the office is friendly and exciting or stressful and hostile, depending on which self-view we happen to hold.

Which means that when we compare ourselves to other people, we’re often comparing ourselves with a certain opinion already in mind.

We’re not acting like a blank slate, waiting for comparison feedback to tell us who we are. We already know who we are — or, rather, think we know who we are — and then compare ourselves to others in a way that helps confirm that preexisting belief.

That allows us to maintain the ideas we have about ourselves, so we don’t rock the mental boat too much. It also helps make us stable and predictable to one another, so that when we come across a new person — or interact with an old one — we can predict how they’ll behave and decide how to behave toward them in return. William Swann developed this theory, called self-verification , which was another major contribution to social psychology.

So What Does This All Mean for Us?

Well, two things. Plus some really great news if comparing yourself is making you unhappy.

First, when we compare ourselves to other people, we’re not really comparing ourselves to other people.

What we’re actually doing is comparing our ideas about ourselves to other people — then using our observations about those people to validate those preexisting ideas.

If you think about it that way, you’ve never really compared yourself to another person in your entire life. You’ve only compared your idea about yourself to another person.

What’s more, the last few years have added a whole new level of abstraction to this process in the form of social media.

Now, when we compare ourselves to other people, we’re actually just comparing ourselves to versions of other people — the versions they choose to put out into the world. We’re comparing our blooper reel to someone else’s highlight reel, and judging ourselves against that prettified proxy. This isn’t news, but it’s worth remembering. People’s digital selves are not their real selves, no matter how much time they spend on Instagram or use the word “authentic” or hashtag their photos #nofilter!

That’s why comparing yourself to other people these days feels so much worse than it used to.

Not only are you comparing your idea about yourself to another person, you’re comparing your idea about yourself to someone else’s idea about themself!

And since that person is also comparing their idea about themself to you (and your idea about yourself, and hundreds of other people and their ideas), a huge chunk of life is really just ideas comparing themselves to other ideas.

Which is actually pretty hilarious, once you see it for what it is.

Second, when we compare ourselves to other people, we’re usually just confirming the ideas we already have about ourselves.

In other words, we compare ourselves to other people to verify the self-concepts we already hold, not to develop new or accurate ones.

We look at Bridgette in SoulCycle and think, Yep, I knew it, she’s way more fit than me, I’ll never be in that kind of shape . Or we look at Trevor in marketing and think, Wow, his skills are paying off. If he can get ahead, I can too, I just have to keep putting in the time .

Since the human mind seeks stability and coherence above all else, we’re almost always using those observations to confirm that we’re “right” about the people we think we are. Because if we were truly honest about the comparison data we received, we’d have to rewrite all of our mental models about ourselves and the world.

A person convinced that she’s the greatest employee on earth would have to adjust to the idea that she still has a lot to learn, do, and prove. A person convinced that he’ll never find a partner would have to adjust to the idea that he’s worthwhile, in control, and responsible for his relationships.

For most of us, rewriting those fundamental self-concepts would be terrifying. So we just go on verifying the ones we already have, and we don’t even realize it.

Which is also kind of funny, if you think about it. We spend all this time obsessing about how we stack up against other people, but in many cases, we’ve already made up our minds!

So if comparing yourself to other people is making you miserable, then ask yourself what your motivation for comparing yourself really is.

Is it to assess your abilities and opinions?

Is it to enhance your sense of self about those abilities and opinions?

Or is it to verify the beliefs you already hold about those abilities and opinions?

Many of us will be surprised by the motivations lurking beneath the self-comparison we’re engaged in on a daily basis.

What seems like self-assessment can subtly turn into self-enhancement when we realize we don’t quite stack up the way we’d like.

What seems like self-enhancement can turn out to be self-verification when we realize that we’re seeking out comparisons that reflect the people we believe we are.

And what seems like self-verification can suddenly become true self-assessment when we realize that we’ve only been trying to protect ourselves.

But no matter what your motivation really is, at the end of the day, the buck ultimately stops with you. And that is great news.

Because if self-comparison is making you miserable, then it’s only because of the reasons you’re doing it in the first place, and the ideas you choose to form as a result — both of which are, over time, totally within your control!

Still, we’ll never stop comparing ourselves. Not really. This instinct to self-evaluate, to look to other people for information about ourselves, is deeply wired into our species.

But you can notice the tendency to self-compare, and just by noticing it, refrain from doing it when it’s not truly productive.

And you can investigate your motives for self-comparison, and make sure that you’re comparing yourself for reasons that are productive and healthy, rather than egoistic and toxic.

And, with enough self-awareness, patience, and kindness, you can eventually learn to use that comparison not to unfairly tear yourself down or artificially build yourself up, but to find out — and I mean really find out, for real — if the ideas you hold about yourself are actually accurate.

Starting with the one idea that brought you to this article in the first place.

I need to compare myself to other people in order to be happy.

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Comparing yourself to others is a sure route to misery — 5 ways to turn it into action instead

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We all experience feelings that are difficult to handle. But between our emotion-phobic society and the debilitating uncertainty of modern times, we usually don’t know how to talk about them, much less handle them.

Well, that’s where the online community of Liz Fosslien and Mollie West Duffy — the duo behind the @lizandmollie Instagram account — comes in. They, like so many creators, have built a place where people can gather to laugh and cry about things like productivity guilt, anxiety and Zoom fatigue. Below, Fosslien and Duffy offer tools to help you understand the feelings that arise when you compare yourself to other people and start to move forward from them. 

Left unchecked, comparison can make you miserable. Seeing people be better at something than you are can feel like a vicious uprooting. But with the right tools, you can use your envy to uncover what you value.

Here’s how to take your envy, decode it and turn it into positive action:

1. Listen to your strongest triggers

Twenty years ago, while waiting for coffee to brew, a young lawyer flipped through her law school’s alumni magazine. When she read about an alum who was a full-time writer, her stomach dropped like an elevator – but that’s what led Gretchen Rubin , now a New York Times bestselling author, to pursue a new career as an author.

That’s right – her career change didn’t happen because of a conversation with her boss or visits with a life coach. It happened because she felt desperately envious of someone else’s life. Comparison can teach you what you value when you see yourself envying someone doing something you want, even if you haven’t consciously allowed yourself to want it.

Self-awareness can help you turn your feelings into something useful, so the next time envy rears its head, ask yourself:

• What do they have that makes me feel less than?

• What void do I believe having it would fill?

• Do I really want what they have?

• If yes, how much, and is it worth taking action to try to get it for myself?

The more specific your answers, the better you’ll be able to redirect your emotion into actions and strategies.

2. Make sure your envy doesn’t become malicious

Comparison-induced envy can be a great motivator and guide. It can also make us bitter.

Psychologists distinguish between benign envy, when we admire someone and try to emulate them, and malicious envy, when we dislike the other person for having what we want. It’s the difference between “They have a penthouse apartment, and it’s cool how they got it” and “I hate that their home has panoramic views, and I want them to suffer.”

To be clear: Both are painful. Benign envy motivates us to work harder to improve, while malicious envy makes us nasty.

We often feel malicious envy when we perceive scarcity. But in many cases, another person’s ability to achieve something is evidence that it’s possible for us, too.

To shift your thinking from malicious to benign envy, try these phrases that we heard from reader Aya:

• “I’m inspired by _____. Maybe I can learn from them, or ask them to be my mentor.”

• “I haven’t done what they’ve done . . . yet.”

• “Every person is on their own journey. I’m grateful for mine.”

• “If my favorite role models stopped what they were doing, I wouldn’t be able to enjoy their incredible work.”

3. Pick a broader baseline

If you see a friend hitting a personal milestone, it’s easy to feel you’re far behind in life. But if you think of 10 or 20 of your acquaintances, chances are a bunch will be in the same boat as you – and might even be happily sailing along.

In an experiment, researchers asked people to assess their running abilities. They found that participants spontaneously compared themselves with the best runner they could think of and deemed themselves not so great. The researchers then prompted the participants to list the top 10 runners they knew personally. By reflecting on the seventh- or ninth-best runner they had rubbed shoulders with, people suddenly felt a lot better. Comparing themselves with a broader group diminished the enormous gulf between themselves and what they thought of as “good.”

Psychologists also find that broadening your perspective can be helpful when you experience what they call deprivation intolerance: when you don’t get what you want and that causes you to plunge into a pit of despair.

The next time you desperately covet what someone else has, swap out the question “Why don’t I have that?” with “Do I have enough?”

Chances are, you can survive without whatever it is you pine for, and not having it has no impact on your worth as a person.

4. Compare the nitty-gritty

A few years ago, Liz learned that a friend-of-a-friend had been promoted and would soon be leading a team of 200 people. Liz was overcome with envy. “Does my jealousy mean I should shift all my plans?” she wondered. “Have I been wrong about who I am and what I want?”

But the next morning, Liz awoke with the certainty that she didn’t want to trade places with her acquaintance. She wasn’t actually longing for the day-to-day that came with being a manager of managers; she just wanted the prestige and social validation of announcing a big, exciting accomplishment.

Thinking through a day-in-the-life helped Liz realize that she didn’t need to shift her entire career but instead should keep going in her current path and look for more opportunities to become more visible.

Here’s a list of questions that can help you make better comparisons:

• What would a day-in-the-life look like?

• What specific pieces of that life do I want?

• What specific pieces of that life do I not want?

• What experience does this person have?

• Is this comparison based on some imagined/ better version of myself or other people’s/ society’s expectation of me?

• Am I willing to give up the good things in my current life to have that?

5. Compare present you against past you

You may not always be exactly where you want to be, but chances are you’re not where you used to be, either. Pausing to take stock of your accomplishments – and the skills you’ve developed as a result – can help you feel proud of your progress and untangle yourself from malicious envy.

Though reader Eliza has always loved mountains, she avoided running or hiking because her asthma left her at a disadvantage compared with her peers. In her late twenties, she finally decided to go for it, even if that meant going for it at a slower pace.

“I will never be able to hike as fast as others,” she told us. “I’ll always be slower because of my low lung capacity. The only person I can and should compare myself to is me.” Eliza’s persistence and new attitude paid off: Just before her 30th birthday, she completed a five-day hike.

A simple way to make this type of self-comparison a habit is to take a few minutes at the end of each month to reflect on these prompts:

• What have I learned over the past few weeks?

• What was difficult, and how would I approach it differently given what I know now?

• What progress did I make?

Yes, comparing yourself with others is unavoidable, but by applying some of this advice, you can learn to use it to your advantage. Remember that you only see the tip of the iceberg, especially on social media – someone whose life seems perfect on Instagram may be dealing with struggles that you’re completely unaware of. One last good rule of thumb is to balance comparing up (looking at people who have more than you) with comparing down (looking at those who are worse off than you).

Adapted from the new book Big Feelings: How to Be Okay When Things Are Not Okay by Liz Fosslien and Mollie West Duffy, in agreement with Portfolio, an imprint of Penguin Publishing Group, a division of Penguin Random House LLC. Copyright © Liz Fosslien and Mollie West Duffy, 2022.

Watch Liz Fosslien’s The Way We Work video here:

About the authors

Liz Fosslien is an expert on how to make work better, head of content and communications Humu, and coauthor and illustrator of the book Big Feelings and the Wall Street Journal bestselling book No Hard Feelings. Her work has been featured by GMA3, The New York Times, The Economist, Time and CNN. She regularly speaks about emotions at work at organizations including Google, LinkedIn, NPR and Spotify.

Mollie West Duffy is an organizational and leadership development expert and coauthor of the book Big Feelings and the Wall Street Journal bestseller No Hard Feelings. She was previously an Organizational Design Lead at global innovation firm IDEO and a research associate for the Dean of Harvard Business School. She has worked with companies of all sizes to develop good workplace culture. Her writing has been featured in Harvard Business Review, Fast Company, Quartz and Entrepreneur, and she’s taught design courses at Stanford and USC.

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Nothing compares - stop the habit of comparison

29 March 2019

We all know that one person – someone who excels in all aspects that you begin to compare yourself to, and as much as you try to keep up, you just cannot. Olivia shares 4 ways in which you can learn to embrace who you are and stop the habit of comparing yourself to others.

Comparing ourselves to others is something we all suffer from and it’s unfair on yourself to do so. Instead, you should look at your own strengths and see that as an individual you have so much to offer the world and be happy about. It’s important that we learn how to see our own value and individuality. Here’s four steps that can help you on the journey to stop comparing yourself to others:

1. Be mindful of how social media exaggerates perfection

Social media platforms constantly bombard us with people’s best moments. This can easily cause self-doubt, frustration and feelings of inadequacy. You need to keep in mind that people only share the highlights of their life and that it’s human nature to compare our worst moments with someone else’s best. It’s always good to remind yourself that people don’t normally share their worst moments in the same way and that the individuals you ‘look up to’ probably feel the same way when they scroll through their timelines.

2. Be thankful

Don’t concentrate on your weaknesses. Appreciate yourself and focus on your strengths! Celebrate the things you’re good at, what you’ve achieved, your incredible friends and family etc. Be thankful for all things big and small. You are unique and no one can do exactly what you do! Remember it’s also very likely that someone out there is comparing themselves to your life.

3. Turn comparison into inspiration

We tend to only hone in on other people’s success as a final product. We do not often consider the work they put in behind the scenes. For example, if you find yourself comparing your essay mark to someone else’s, think about if they spent longer preparing and working on it than you did. Don’t let other people’s achievements get you down; let it open the doors to motivation and endless possibilities. Let it inspire you into working harder and being a better version of yourself!

4. Learn to accept yourself

If you constantly compare yourself to others and want what others have, you will only ever be unhappy. Try to accept and realise that what you have is enough - you’re great at university, part of an incredible community and have friends and family that support you through all endeavours. You are more than you know – you are enough. We all just need to take a step back from time to time to accept ourselves and gain contentment.

Olivia Rose, BA History

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The art of comparing yourself to others

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Let’s face it, we all do it.

We get 86% on an exam and feel fantastic, until Smart Sally comes along and flaunts her 90%. We put our blood, sweat, and tears into succeeding at work, until we hear Charming Chad receive the praise instead.

We’re familiar with that sinking feeling in our chests when somebody ‘does better’ or ‘receives more’ compared to us. It’s an unpleasant sensation, often a mixture of envy, disappointment, and a chip at our self-esteem. We scream into the void, “It’s not fair!”

Theodore Roosevelt once said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” Wow, that really frames comparison in a bad light.

Now I have some bad news,  and  some good news.

The bad news is  comparing ourselves to others is pretty inevitable —we’re apparently wired, as humans, to do this. The good news is we can navigate this inevitability in a way that’s helpful , not harmful. Here’s what to remember...

There are ‘insecurity hot spots’ you can control

I don’t know about you, but Instagram is a prime place for making me feel inadequate in comparison to others.

On the one hand, I want to keep up to date with my friends’ lives. On the other hand, I see IG stories of Genius Gerald winning case competitions and Travel-bug Tracy sipping on coconuts in Hawaii, and I wonder why I’m sitting in front of a blank essay.

Then again, nobody is forcing you to keep refreshing your feed.

This is an example of an ‘insecurity hot spot’ we can control. Try going on a social media detox !

When you put down your phone, you can focus more on being present  and spending time with family and friends who lift you up. You’ll also free up countless hours to work on (and be proud of) yourself!

Remember, places like Instagram aren’t accurate representations of real life. After all...

What you see is just the surface

Everybody is an iceberg (to some extent). We often pick and choose the best parts of ourselves to display (the tip), while the real us can only be discovered by going beneath the surface (the rest of the iceberg).

Remember that what you see is often not an accurate depiction of reality. For example, if you failed an exam, you’re probably much less likely to announce it to the world than if you received a huge scholarship.

Smart Sally scored 4% higher than you? You see her satisfied smile, but you don’t see the tens of hours she spent redoing textbook questions. Cheesy Cherry and her boyfriend PDA Paul are #couplegoals? You see their hand-holding, but you don’t see the argument they had last night.

Don’t compare your reality with other people’s surface displays.

Now, instead of being icebergs, let's become lawns of grass.

The grass seems greener on the other side

It’s so easy to notice what we lack , but what about what we have ?

Maybe your neighbour’s lawn (or Braggy Bob’s accomplishments) seem super impressive. But you should be proud of your own lawn too! In fact, while you’re busy being jealous of Perfect Priscilla’s impeccable pedicure, Perfect Priscilla is wondering how she can be as caring and lovable as you.

So instead of wanting to climb over the fence to get on par with other people’s perfection , water your own grass . Everybody is unique, and nobody (and I mean nobody) is actually perfect.

You are your own version of perfect, so grow it, and own it.

Now, let’s turn this comparison game into something positive .

Comparisons show what makes you shine

It’s inevitable to compare ourselves to others. In that case, let’s make the best of it! When in the comparison game, reframe it—so that instead of fixating on your flaws, focus on your strengths and opportunities.

Use comparison to draw attention to your strengths. Don’t be cocky about it, but do acknowledge the areas where you’re successful. Be grateful for the position that you’re in, and focus on what makes you unique!

For example, maybe you’re not great at math in comparison to your classmates (#relatable). But when it comes to creativity, your classmates might get stuck while you’re a total rockstar idea generator. Don’t forget how awesome you are.

Comparison can become inspiration

Gaps are not failures. Gaps are opportunities to become better. For me, the people around me are a prime source of motivation.

For example, maybe Techy Tony scored a job at Google. Now you’re thinking, “Darn, I wish that was me.” Well, it could be you.

Instead of being jealous, take this chance to congratulate Tony, and perhaps ask him for a coffee chat to learn about how he did it.

Be humble. Be curious. Be a lifelong learner.

Soon, people will be asking you on coffee chats to learn how you made it.

Remember: you’re irreplaceable!

You’re super unique. Seriously.

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how you compare to Techy Tony, Perfect Priscilla, Smart Sally, Braggy Bob, or Travel-bug Tracy. You are your own person, so don’t ever let comparisons erase your confidence in how great you are. You have the power to reframe the comparison game with gratitude and motivation instead!

So just be you, because nothing can compare to that.

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“Personality begins where comparison leaves off. Be unique. Be memorable. Be confident. Be proud.” ~Shannon L. Alder

You know it already.

You know you shouldn’t compare yourself to others. Yet, that’s often easier said than done.

Job title, income, grades, house, and Facebook likes —the number of categories in which we can compare ourselves to others are infinite. So is the number of people we can compare ourselves to.

Comparison is generally the fast track to unhappiness. It’s a recipe for misery. All it does is keeping you focused on what you don’t like about yourself and your life.

Ever since I made the decision to change careers, I’ve tried to focus on my new path. I’ve pictured myself as a horse with blinders, because I knew that looking too much on the sides would only keep me side-tracked.

It worked for a while. While I was out traveling for a year I kept my eyes on the prize, so to speak. But, when I came back home again, it wasn’t so easy anymore.

I caught myself glancing over to what other people had, and I didn’t. Where they were in life and I wasn’t. I had made the decision to rebuild my life from scratch, so of course, I was “behind” when comparing myself to my friends.

The more I focused on their path, and not my own, the more I lost control. Eventually, I reached a point where I questioned my decision, and that’s when I knew I had to change perspective quickly.

Here are thirteen simple ways to stop comparing yourself to others:

1. Water your own grass.

When we focus on other people, we lose time that we could otherwise invest in ourselves. We don’t grow green grass by focusing on our neighbor’s garden, we do it nurturing our own. So, instead of wasting time comparing your path to someone else’s, spend it investing, creating, and caring for your own.

2. Accept where you are.

You can’t change something you don’t acknowledge. So, instead of resisting or fighting where you are, come to peace with it. Say yes to every part of your life, and from that place, make decisions that will move you in the right direction.

3. Love your past.

Your life might have been messy and bumpy. It might have been colored by mistakes, anxiety, and fear. I know mine has. But all those things were catalysts to help you become a better, wiser, and more courageous version of yourself. So, embrace your story and how much you’ve grown from it. Be proud of what you’ve done and for wanting to create a better life for yourself.

4. Do a social media detox.

We’re constantly bombarded with people who live #blessed lives on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook. What we don’t consider is that we often compare our own worst moments with someone else’s highlight .

Social media can be a great source for inspiration. But, if it triggers inadequacy, self-doubt, and frustration, then choose to do a detox. Make sure you control social media and not the other way around.

5. Know that this isn’t the end of the movie.

If you’re not happy where you are today, remember that this is just a snapshot of your life. Where you are today doesn’t say anything about where you’ll be in one or three years from now. What matters isn’t where you are. What matters is your mindset, attitude, and where you’re going.

6. Be grateful for what you have.

Oprah said, “Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough.”

Whenever you find yourself looking at what other people have, remind yourself of what you’re grateful for . For me, that means appreciating my family, my wonderful friends, and the fact that I’m living in a peaceful country (Sweden). So, shift focus from what you don’t have, to what you do have.

7. Decide not to let fear guide your choices.

The choices we make are either based on love or fear. For example, I moved to Paris for a job I was really excited about. That was based on love. Then I stayed a bit too long because I was afraid of what would happen if I quit. That was based on fear.

I’ve made all my fear-based decisions out of insecurity and a feeling of scarcity. They’ve never taken me in the direction I wanted.

Make sure love is the foundation for your choices. To stay on track, ask yourself this powerful question, “What would love do right now?”

8. Realize that you’re not perfect.

There will always be someone who’s richer, smarter, and more attractive than you. No one is perfect. Trying to be perfect is not the solution. So, instead of getting down on yourself for your flaws, quirks, and imperfections, accept them fully. Free yourself by embracing the fact that you’re perfectly imperfect.

9. Be your own ally.

That mean voice inside your head can tell you all kind of BS. Mine has told me that I’m boring, stupid, and ugly in comparison to others (and a bunch of other awful things).

Instead of joining in when the mean voice of comparison pops up, choose to be on your side. Relieve, soothe, and comfort yourself. Give yourself regular pep talks, and if you wouldn’t say it to a friend, don’t say it to yourself.

10. Turn comparison into inspiration.

We tend to compare our behind-the-scenes with someone else’s big moment. We tend to focus on their success, not on the thousands of hours they’ve spent preparing and working for their achievement. Instead of letting other people’s triumphs get you down on yourself, let them open you up to possibilities. Let them be inspiration for what you can be, do and have in life.

11. Stop “shoulding” yourself.

Comparison often leads to us “shoulding” all over ourselves . We say things such as, “I should have this by now” or “I should have come further.” But statements like that just keep us focused on what we’re lacking.

Instead of using “should” when expressing commitments, use “want” and notice how your inner dialogue shifts.

12. Compare yourself with you.

If you need to compare yourself with someone, compare yourself with you. What can you do to improve your life quality? How can you be a better and more loving person? How can you be nicer to yourself than you were yesterday? You are the only person you can compare yourself with.

13. Tell a better story.

If the story you’re telling yourself isn’t one of empowerment, strength, and optimism, then tell a better story.

Instead of telling yourself you’re not competent enough to do the work you want to do, tell yourself you’re brave enough to try something new. Instead of blaming yourself for mistakes in the past, remind yourself that you did the best you could and that you’ve learned from it.

Take Back What Belongs to You

Comparing ourselves to others often leaves us feeling frustrated, anxious, and paralyzed about moving forward. It doesn’t help one single bit in creating the life we want. Instead, it just takes away valuable time and energy that could have been spent on building our future.

Whenever you focus on what other people have that you don’t, you give away your power. Every minute spent on comparing your path to someone else’s is a minute lost on creating your own.

So, take back your power from all the people, places, and situations where you’ve left it and bring it back home. Decide that your energy will be used for believing, not doubting, and for creating, not destroying.

Focus on you. Focus on watering your grass and building your path. Focus on being the best that you can be and share that with the rest of us.

You got this.

About Maria Stenvinkel

Maria Stenvinkel is on a mission to help you move from fear to fearless—and to unleash your confidence, greater potential, and true self-love. Download her free and powerful worksheet: " The Secret to Boosting Your Self-Confidence [Easy Worksheet] ."

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Journaling Through Emotions: Comparing Yourself to Others 4

We all do it. Compare ourselves with other, that is. It’s human nature. Children learn by mimicking others—a skill based on the ability to compare oneself with another. When I was a little girl, I mimicked the older girls’ ways of talking and walking, of wearing their hair, and their likes and dislikes. When I mimicked correctly, I fit in socially. When I failed to be like the others, I didn’t fit in. Comparison is a social skill. Plus, it’s just part of how we learn to perceive the world around us: this box is smaller than that box; that animal more dangerous than this one; this car faster than the other.

We gauge where we fit into the larger world by comparing ourselves with others. Studies* show that when we think we’re doing better than others, we tend to feel happier; when we think we’re doing worse than others, we tend to feel depressed. So judging ourselves negatively in comparison to others can affect us in negative ways. For example, young girls learn to hate their own bodies because they can’t hope to live up to what they see idealized in the media. Young boys compare themselves negatively to superheroes. They both end up feeling bad about themselves, insecure about their appearance and/or abilities. The only way they can make themselves feel better is to compare themselves with someone worse or to put others down in some way. In this case negative comparison leads to insecurity, which can then lead to meanness and even bullying.

That’s the negative side of comparing ourselves to others. However, it can also have positive effects. Comparing ourselves to people who are doing better can open up possibilities and/or motivate us to achieve more than we might otherwise achieve.

When I was in my twenties, I played flute in bands, and I spent many hours listening to the world’s best flutists. Comparing myself to those flutists had a two-edged effect: On one hand, I knew what was possible and became inspired to reach higher; conversely, if I judged myself too harshly, I would feel dejected and as though I should give up. I found balance by comparing my present to my past performance. When I perceived growth in my own skills, that growth gave me hope that someday I might achieve a level of excellence. The hope then spurred me to practice more, which led to more growth, and a positive cycle of learning.

How do you deal with your natural propensity to compare yourself to others?

To explore this topic in your journal, consider the following prompts:

• Do you consider comparing yourself with others as a mostly negative or positive trait? Whatever you answered, play devil’s advocate with yourself and argue (in writing) why the opposite is true. –
• How do you see yourself as compared with your friends? Other members of your family? Who inspires you to try harder, and who makes you feel like you just want to give up? –
• When you become aware that you’re comparing yourself negatively with someone else, what strategies do you use to balance your feelings? –
• When you feel good about yourself, are you more or less inclined to compare yourself with others? Explain your answer. –
•  Freewrite for ten minutes, beginning with, “Comparing myself to others is …”

I invite you to share your responses and stories, by leaving a comment below.

_________________________

* Comparing yourself to others can have health impacts –

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4 thoughts on “ Journaling Through Emotions: Comparing Yourself to Others ”

Amber, you have written about a wonderful topic! Yep, wonderful because I’ve done it all…compared, not measured up, measured up, overconfident, round and round….But really it’s always best to know who we are…what we want to accomplish or learn…and YES, to see others more successful! It doesn’t mean I’m any less. It is like Mother Teresa’s quote to “do good any way…even when people don’t notice……” Because as she says “it was never about you and them anyway…it was/is about You and God”.

Eden, I like that take on it … using comparison to know who we are, and what we want to accomplish and learn, and then if we still want to measure up to something, let it be ourselves. Thanks for sharing!

Good writing fodder. Thanks for sharing.

Fodder .. food for thought 🙂 Thanks, Pat!

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5 Reasons You Should Stop Comparing Yourself to Others

Do you often find that you're comparing yourself to others? Perhaps to a family member, a close friend, or someone famous on social media? If the answer is yes, then welcome to the club. The sad truth is that it's the reality for too many of us.

Social comparison starts at a very early age. Children discover very quickly that not everyone lives the same life or has the same opportunity as them. They see how some friends have more toys or better clothes, or live in nicer houses. As these children grow older and become teenagers, the comparing doesn’t stop. It often intensifies and turns into negative self-talk. Thoughts like “I’m not good enough,” “I can’t do anything right,” or “I’ll never make it” slowly start creeping into their minds. This kind of gloomy thinking causes them to develop anxiety and depression-like impulses, which may continue well into their adulthood years.

The reason why we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel. - Steven Furtick

If you’re guilty of often comparing yourself to others, here’s why you need to stop right now.

Comparison is the thief of joy

I’m sure you’ve heard this saying a million times, but it’s very important to reiterate it. Comparing yourself to others only makes your life difficult and brings you misery and pain. Instead, try using others as motivation to work harder and do better.

Comparison will stall your progress

If you spend your days comparing yourself to other people’s achievements, you’ll never get anything accomplished. You must invest all your energy into pursuing your own dreams and goals. Don’t waste your precious time on those of others.

You can’t physically change who you are

You are you. You’ll always be you. You’ll never be anyone else. And although it might be hard to believe for some of us, this is actually a good thing. To explain why, here’s my favorite quote from author Jen Sincero:

There will never be anyone exactly like you. You were given special gifts and talents to share with the world, and even though everybody has special gifts and talents, nobody will use theirs quite the same way you do. - Jen Sincero

So start believing in the value of your uniqueness !

No one has a perfect life

Although you might think that a lot of people are leading an amazing life with no down sides, know that this isn’t true. Every single person on this Earth experiences problems and challenges throughout their lives. No one is exempt from this. Some people are just better at keeping it together, at least on the outside. So next time you compare yourself to your friend or neighbor, remember that you probably do not know every detail about their life .

There will always be someone better than you at something

I know this last point might seem a little harsh, but it’s the reality. So the sooner you accept it, the happier you’ll be. I remember, when I was younger, I would cry my eyes out every time my best friend got a better grade than me. So to soothe me, my dad would say, “There will always be someone better than you at one point in your life.” At first, I didn’t really understand where he was going with it and frankly, it left me with even more pain. But as I grew older, I realized he was right. At some point in your life, someone will beat you to whatever it is you’re after. You can’t always win at everything in life. All you have to do is work hard and try your best , and whatever is meant to be will fall into place for you at the right moment.

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Jennifer Garner's Mom Once Made a Dollar a Day

Growing up, Jennifer Garner’s mom didn’t have much. Patricia Ann Garner’s family lived on an old farm and she earned only a dollar a day babysitting. Despite her mom’s financial struggles , Garner says the woman was determined to change her fate with hard work and resilience.

A Rough Start

Jennifer Garner and Patricia Ann Garner

Instagram/@jennifer.garner

Jennifer Garner was born in Houston, Texas, in 1972 and grew up in West Virginia. She was the middle of three daughters , and her family was a happy one. She recalls taking violin in school (and being so bad at it that her mom offered to pay her to never play again), studying ballet for nine years, and majoring in chemistry at Denison University before switching majors.

Little did she know that her decision to pursue the arts would one day come full circle for her mother.

Patricia grew up in Oklahoma on a 20-acre farm that her parents bought. The house was a two-room house with no electricity, running water, or indoor plumbing, and in 1936, it sold for a cool $700.

“As a farm girl growing up on a tiny farm in Locust Grove, OK, my mother earned $1.00 a day for babysitting her neighbor’s five children,” Garner shared on Instagram . “My mom’s family was poor— I’m sure she cherished that money — but it was the neighbor’s old LIFE magazines that really shaped Mom’s future.”

Forging a New Path

Eventually, Patricia knew she had to leave the farm to pursue a better life. So, as the farm changed hands between her uncles following her father’s death, she set out into the world. She met her husband, a chemical engineer named William John Garner, and became a teacher . They had three kids together and showered them with love.

After Garner became famous through roles like Alias and 13 Going On 30 , she began telling the story of how her mother came from humble roots and put together a beautiful life for her and her sisters. She also realized a lifelong goal, of traveling to all 50 states and visiting all seven continents.

“I think my mom was so poor, it's just unbelievable that she managed to leave,” Garner said in a 2020 interview . “When I moved to New York after college, my mom said, 'Jennifer, no matter what you do, it will never be as big of a deal as it was for me to leave that farm.'"

Embracing Their Roots

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Despite her rough upbringing, Patricia never wanted to keep it quiet. In that same 2020 interview, Garner explained how she and her mom had discussed Garner's openness about it. According to Garner, her mom is good with it.

“She said, 'I'm never ashamed of growing up poor,'" Garner recalled. "Rather, I am amazed by the grace and dignity that my parents had throughout my childhood.'”

Garner is embracing those roots, too. In 2017, she purchased the farm where her mother grew up from her uncle. They agreed that her aunt and uncle would live there and maintain the property, which now boasts an additional 35 acres.

The farm produces pumpkins, blueberries, field peas, and rye to help the soil, reports The Oklahoman . Some of that produce is used for Garner’s baby food company, Once Upon a Farm.

“I definitely am another generation removed from what my mom gave us and certainly from what she had,” Garner, now a mother of three, said in 2015. “But I hope that my mothering has been so infused by Pat Garner that there's a germ of it in there.”

An Eye on the Future

This inspiring story is even more so because we know how it turned out for Garner and her family. But Patricia’s experience also teaches an important lesson: never give up. Sometimes, life deals you what feels like an impossible hand, and it can be hard to push through.

However, that doesn’t mean you can’t have a brighter future or that things won’t improve. Sometimes, a dream and the will to make it happen are all you need. Rather than giving up, look for opportunities, take calculated risks, and know when it’s time to move on.

After all, if a woman who once made a dollar a day could do it, so can you.

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Plus-size Passenger Refuses to Give Up Extra Seat To Toddler

Flying may be the quickest way to travel but it isn't always the most comfortable. The seats are small, legroom is almost non-existent, and there's always that one annoying passenger in front of you who seems to find extreme enjoyment in testing the limits of just how far back that reclining seat can go.

Airlines are notorious for cramming in as many people as possible in the smallest spaces possible, which can be especially difficult for plus-sized passengers.

One woman decided to combat this by purchasing an extra seat.

But instead of sitting back and enjoying her flight, she found herself at the center of attention after refusing to give up the extra seat she had rightfully paid for to accommodate a toddler on the crowded flight.

Obese Woman Refuses to Give Up Extra Seat

Taking to the Reddit forum, Am I The A**hole , a 34-year-old woman explains that she is "actively working toward losing weight" but is still obese.

After having a bad experience on a previous flight, she opted to book an additional seat.

"...because I’m fat, I booked an extra seat so everyone can be more comfortable. I know it sucks having to pay for an extra seat but it is what it is."

At first, everything goes smoothly. She checks in, makes it through security, and boards the plane.

But just as she is settling into her seat, her trip takes a nosedive.

"This woman comes to my row with a boy who appeared to be about a year old," she writes. "She told me to squeeze in to one seat so her son could sit in the other."

Not only does the mother disparagingly tell her to "squeeze in" but she doesn't even bother to ASK her to move, she TELLS her to.

Understandably, the woman refuses to budge. "I told her no and that I paid for this seat for the extra space," she writes.

Despite the fact that the woman has every right to deny the order, and she has the ticket to prove it, the mother digs in. Her "huge fuss" attracts the attention of a nearby flight attendant.

"She told the flight attendant I was stealing the seat from her son, then I showed my boarding passes, proving that I, in fact paid for the extra seat."

And here's where things really take off. The flight attendant sides with the mother and asks the plus-sized passenger if she "could try to squeeze in."

She again refuses. "The boy, who the mom said is 18 months old was supposed to sit in her lap so he could do just that," she explains.

Eventually, the flight attendant tells the mom to put her son on her lap.

But the flight is already ruined. The Redditor shares that the unhappy mom wouldn't let it go, giving her dirty looks and passive-aggressive remarks for the entire flight.

She ends her post begging the question, "I do feel a little bad because the boy looked hard to control so AITA?"

The Internet Weighs In

The plus-sized woman's refusal to give in to the mom's demand has sparked a whole lot of feelings. The post has gone viral on Reddit with over 18,000 upvotes and nearly 5,000 commenters "weighing in."

The comments are overwhelmingly in support of the OP (original poster). In fact, you'd be hard-pressed to find a comment that supported the "entitled mother."

"She’s TA for not buying a seat for her son and assuming someone else would give up a seat they paid for. Odds are she was hoping there’d be extra seats on the flight so she didn’t have to pay and used the lap thing as a loophole."

"NTA. Look, at the base level, you paid for the seat regardless of the reason. You're entitled to use it, not the mom with a wriggly toddler. Not your kid, not your problem."

Commenters praised the OP for selflessly dishing out for an extra seat to accommodate her size in an attempt to make others flight comfortable too.

"NTA, and I hope it doesn't sound condescending to say, but good for you buying the extra seat. You being the sort of conscientious person who will spend the extra money to avoid encroaching on others is probably why you are having (needless) self-doubt about the encounter. The mom was entitled and fully in the wrong, and if the flight attendant gave you attitude then they are in the wrong, too."

And this brings up a valid point about the flight attendant's response. Should she have tried to force the issue?

"What's even the point of the extra seat if the flight attendants are going to let entitled people bully others into giving up the extra seat?"

"The cabin crew should have stopped this straight away once they saw you had booked both seats, it should have been obvious why. They should not have asked you to squeeze in to 1 seat."

Standing Up For Your Rights

While it is possible to have empathy and compassion for the mother (flying with little ones is challenging at best) she did, essentially, try to commandeer a stranger's seat.

A seat she had no right to and didn't pay for. Now there's no telling if she tried to purchase a seat for her toddler and there were no more tickets available or if she was banking on a stranger to accommodate her child.

Either way, the plus-size woman specifically paid for an extra seat so she wouldn't have to deal with the uncomfortable and frankly dehumanizing experience of trying to "squeeze in" to a seat made for bodies that conform to ridiculously narrow societal standards.

While it can be difficult to stand up for your rights in the face of opposition, it is important to advocate for yourself.

What do you think? Did she do the right thing?

*Featured image contains photos by George Zografidis and Gustavo Fring

Copyright © 2024 Goalcast

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Comparing myself to others saved my life

Life’s Enough: Stop Comparing Yourself to Others

“Enjoy your own life without comparing it with that of another.” – Marquis de Condorcet

If you took the strengths of others, and compared them to your weaknesses, how do you think you’d size up? And do you think this would make you feel good?

The funny thing is, this is what most of us do at one time or another — and some of us do pretty often.

It’s a sure-fire recipe for a drop in self-confidence and for unhappiness. It’s also not that useful.

Let’s say I take a look at someone who creates amazing artwork and really top-notch podcasts on their website … and I look at my art and video skills, and realize that I don’t come close to measuring up. In fact, I look pretty pitiful (I’m a lousy drawer and don’t know anything about video).

But wait a minute: it’s not a fair comparison. Just because I don’t measure up doesn’t mean I should get out of the blogging business, or that I should get depressed or jealous or resentful. Instead, if I looked at my strengths — writing useful and honest posts — I can see that I have a lot to offer, a lot to be happy about.

And that’s so important — being able to look at your own strengths, and see your true value. It’s actually one of the keys to success, because without this ability, you will be unmotivated, and won’t believe in yourself.

I wanted to talk about this issue because of an email from a reader recently:

I come from a Tier-2 city of India. I belong to middle class family. My job also such that I can’t meet both my ends, if I get married and start a new family. The problem is that I have got my teammates, who come from very affluent families. I can’t stop myself comparing my lifestyle with theirs. I know it is not proper to compare myself with them on the basis of what physical possessions they have. I must say that my financial planning is sound enough to take care of my existing family; and I can take care of new family member also, at least for some time even if I lose my current job. But whenever I see or hear them spending so much money after possessions, I start comparing again. How can I stop this habit, without changing jobs?

This is an excellent question, and a tough one. I think it’s natural to compare ourselves to others, but as the reader noticed, it often makes us unhappy even if we have enough and should be happy with what we have.

My quick advice: try to be aware of when you start comparing yourself to others … once you’ve developed this awareness, try this trick: stop yourself. Tell yourself, “Stop that!” And then start thinking about all the things you DO have, the things you love, the people you have, the blessings that life has given you. Make this a regular practice, and you’ll start to be happier with your life.

The Effects of Social Comparisons But let’s take a look for a moment at what’s wrong with comparing yourself with others:

• Like I said, it’s usually an unfair comparison to start with. As a result, you’ll always come off bad if you look at someone’s strengths (including what they have, like houses and cars) and your weaknesses.
• Even if you compare strength to strength, there will always be those who are better, and those who are worse. Where you are on the ladder of accomplishments or purchases has nothing to do with what you want to do.
• Even if you do well in comparison with others, you may be artificially inflated from this comparison. It’s a short-lived boost of ego if you win the comparison — easily knocked down.
• You end up resenting others for doing well, without really knowing the true person. You can see this if you’ve ever resented someone upon first meeting them, and then later realized you got the wrong idea.
• You might end up talking about your own accomplishments more than is necessary. No one appreciates that.
• You might criticize someone in public, trying to knock them down, often unfairly.

These aren’t good things. Let’s look at how to stop this phenomenon.

Breaking the Habit of Comparing Yourself With Others So how do you break this cycle of comparing yourself with others? Here are some tips I’ve found useful:

• Awareness . Most often we do these social comparisons without realizing we’re doing it. It’s a natural act, I suppose, and as a result it’s something that is done without consciousness. So the solution is to become conscious — bring these thoughts to the forefront of your consciousness by being on the lookout for them. If you focus on these thoughts for a few days, it gets much easier with practice, and soon it’ll be hard not to notice.
• Stop yourself . Once you realize you’re doing these comparisons, give yourself a pause. Don’t berate yourself or feel bad — just acknowledge the thought, and gently change focus.
• Count your blessings . A better focus is on what you do have, on what you are already blessed with. Count what you have, not what you don’t. Think about how lucky you are to have what you have, to have the people in your life who care about you, to be alive at all.
• Focus on your strengths . Instead of looking at your weaknesses, ask yourself what your strengths are. Celebrate them! Be proud of them. Don’t brag, but feel good about them and work on using them to your best advantage.
• Be OK with imperfection . No one is perfect — intellectually, we all know that, but emotionally we seem to feel bad when we don’t reach perfection. You aren’t perfect and you never will be. I certainly am not, and I’ve learned to be OK with that. Sure, keep trying to improve, but don’t think you’ll ever be the “perfect person”. If you look at it in a different way, that imperfection is what makes you who you are, you already are perfect.
• Don’t knock others down . Sometimes we try to criticize others just to make ourselves look or feel better. Taking someone else down for your benefit is destructive. It forms an enemy when you could be forming a friend. In the end, that hurts you as well. Instead, try to support others in their success — that will lead to more success on your part.
• Focus on the journey . Don’t focus on how you rank in comparison to others — life is not a competition. It’s a journey. We are all on a journey, to find something, to become something, to learn, to create. That journey has nothing to do with how well other people are doing, or what they have. It has everything to do with what we want to do, and where we want to go. That’s all you need to worry about.
• Learn to love enough . If you always want what others have, you will never have enough. You will always want more. That’s an endless cycle, and it will never lead to happiness. No matter how many clothes you buy, no matter how many houses you own (seven, in the case of one famous candidate), no matter how many fancy cars you acquire … you’ll never have enough. Instead, learn to realize that what you have is already enough. If you have shelter over your head, food on the table, clothes on your back, and people who love you, you are blessed. You have enough. Anything you have over and above that — and let’s admit that all of us reading this blog have more than that — is more than enough. Be good with that, and you’ll find contentment.

“To love is to stop comparing.” – Bernard Grasset

See elsewhere: Open Sourcing Your Creativity on LifeDev

Posted: 08.25.2008

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How Does Comparing Yourself To Others On Social Media Impact Your Mental Health?

For many people, social media is a significant part of life. Social media isn’t always negative. There can be a variety of advantages to social media usage. It can provide a forum to raise awareness for important issues, serve as a space to connect with other people, and even help people find mental health care or support.

However, social media use can also lead to some habits that can be detrimental to your mental health, including comparing yourself to others. Below, we’ll explore the common practice of comparing oneself to others, the effect of social media on this phenomenon, and some evidence-based strategies to reduce the tendency to compare yourself to others.

The impact of comparing yourself to others on social media

Social media platforms comparable to those people use today started to gain traction in the late 1990s. Since then, they have continued to become more and more popular. Statistics from 2021 indicate that 84% of people aged 18-29 use social media sites , whereas 81% of those aged 30-49 and 73% of individuals aged 50-64 use them. Social media usage is also common among minors. In addition to finding that social media use is common across a diverse range of people, many studies aim to find how social media may affect well-being. As for mental health and comparison on social media , research shows that:

• Negative interactions and comparisons to others on social media are related to higher levels of depression and anxiety.
• In contrast, positive interactions and social support via social media are related to lower levels of depression and anxiety.
• In one study, 87% of women and 65% of men said that they compared their bodies to those they saw when consuming social and traditional media .
• Those who use Facebook often believe that other users are happier than they are.
• Reducing social media use to 30 minutes per day may lead to lower levels of anxiety, depression, and loneliness. This is based on a study at Iowa State University involving 230 students. Half the students were asked to limit their social media usage to 30 minutes per day . They scored lower on anxiety, depression, and loneliness and scored higher on positive affect.

It may help to consider that comparison can sometimes be implicit. We may not have a direct realization that taking in other people’s highlight reel—or content in general—is causing us to gauge how we feel about ourselves, our appearance and lifestyle, or our progress in life. We may also see what other people are doing and experience fear of missing out, which can be comparative. You may compare yourself to people you know or those you don’t know personally, such as a celebrity or social media influencer you haven’t met. When you feel down about yourself due to comparison, it can influence several areas of your life. You may not believe you can pursue the things you want to do, or you might not feel confident in your relationships and career.

If any of this sounds familiar, you’re not alone, and there are ways to reduce the impact of social media comparisons on your mental health. Below, we’ll discuss ways to check in with yourself regarding social media usage, stop comparing yourself to others, and support your mental health.

How do I stop comparing myself to others on social media?

Below are some tips that may help you stop comparing yourself to others on social media:

1. Spend designated time offline

Sometimes, it may help to take a break from social media. You might consider creating a designated social media schedule that limits the amount of time you spend on social media per day, perhaps to half an hour in the late afternoon or early evening, or you might take a complete social media break during which you do not engage with social media at all. Some people find it helpful to take a weekend off, whereas others may benefit from weeks or months off.

2. Change or “clean out” your social media feed

Some people find it helpful to change their social media feed to make it more positive for their mind and self-image. This process may include unfollowing people you tend to compare yourself to and trying to follow a more diverse range of people, perhaps including more people who look like you or who are more authentic about their negative and positive experiences. If a social media account makes you feel bad, consider muting or unfollowing it.

3. Identify and challenge comparisons to others

To stop comparing yourself to others, it may also help to use mindfulness. It may not stop the initial thought, but when you consume social media with the acknowledgment that it might cause comparison, mindfulness may provide an opportunity to take note of these thoughts and challenge them. To challenge these thoughts, you may say something like “They don’t see all of my life, and I don’t see all of theirs” or “Social media is a highlight reel, and they might be going through something that I know nothing about.”

It can be helpful to remind yourself that we all have different lives and experiences and varied strengths and weaknesses.

4. Engage in activities that boost your self-esteem

Building self-esteem may help you challenge comparisons to others and serve as a way to support your physical and mental well-being. Activities that increase self-esteem may include identifying your strengths, using positive self-talk, and engaging in enjoyable activities that make you feel good about yourself, such as playing a sport, practicing music, making art, spending time in nature, or volunteering. Hobbies can be positive for mental health in and of themselves, so it may be beneficial if you can turn to something you enjoy. 

5. Spend time with positive supporters in your life

Spending time with those who have a positive impact on your life can be helpful in a number of ways. It may not only improve your mental health but also help you spend time away from social media in some cases. On a similar note, if someone in your life puts you down or makes you feel bad about yourself, it may help to put boundaries in place.

If you don’t have positive social support in your life, support groups and other opportunities for meeting new people might be a place to start. You may even be able to find someone else in your life who would like to work on confidence and stop comparing themselves to others. If this is the case, you can support one another and uplift each other through the process.

6. Ask for help if you need it

A therapist may be able to help you challenge negative thoughts and support you in other ways so that you stop comparing yourself to others on social media. A therapist might also support you with low self-esteem, depression, relationship challenges, anxiety, difficulty spending time away from social media, and other concerns. If you don’t feel comfortable with traditional in-office therapy at this time, you might benefit from online therapy.

Support through online therapy

Research shows that online therapy is effective for a variety of mental health concerns. One study published in the journal Cureus demonstrated that internet-delivered cognitive behavioral therapy (ICBT) was effective for social anxiety, generalized anxiety disorder, depression, and obsessive-compulsive disorder. 

Also, online platforms like BetterHelp may make it easier to find a licensed mental health professional with experience in your specific areas of concern. When you join BetterHelp, you complete a short questionnaire designed to help match you with a therapist who meets your individual needs. If desired, you can switch therapists, change plans, or cancel services at any point in time. Online therapy plans are often more affordable than in-person therapy without insurance coverage, and financial aid may be available for those who need it.

How can we stop comparing ourselves with others on social media?

If you notice yourself engaging in social media comparison, you might try to limit its negative effects by unfollowing social media accounts that hurt your self-esteem, limiting your use of social media apps, or taking a break from social media altogether.

Why is comparing yourself to other people especially on social media bad for your self respect and self-esteem?

In reality, social comparison can be harmful outside of social media; however, social media is often a specially curated and highly edited highlight reel of someone’s life, leading feelings of social comparison to be much more intense. However, it can be important to remember that you are not seeing a complete picture of their life, just as they likely are not seeing a complete picture of yours.

What do you call someone who constantly compares themselves to others?

Social comparison theory describes the phenomenon of determining your worth based on how you compare to others. Social comparison can lead to increased depression symptoms, anxiety, and other mental health conditions.

What is it called when you compare your life to others social media posts and feel like your life is worse?

Although social comparison can occur in “real life”, a social media post can also cause individuals to feel worse about themselves in comparison. A 2022 study analyzed the social media use of 138 undergraduate students, primarily young adults, and compared it to their levels of depression and effect on self-esteem. The results suggested a clear link between problematic social media use and and negative psychological outcomes , suggesting social comparisons to be a key cause.

Why do people compare themselves to others on Instagram?

Social media, including Instagram, can often play a large role in people’s lives, potentially making it easy to focus on the lives of others and get caught up in the comparison trap. Taking some time away from social media and spending time with friends or family in the real world can be helpful in bringing you back to the present.

Can social media mess with your sense of self?

According to a 2023 study looking at the relationship between social media and self-esteem in adolescents, high levels of social media addiction could be directly related to low self-esteem .

How do I stop comparing myself to people online?

If you’re aware that you’re engaging in online social comparison, consider trying the following:

• Unfollow accounts that are causing negative emotions
• Follow more accounts that are likely to make you feel good
• Spend less time on social media, or dedicate only certain windows to engage in social media
• Take a break from social media, whether that’s a day, a weekend, or longer
• Ask for help with you need it, from friends, family, or an online therapist
• How Different Languages Address And Embrace Talking About Mental Health Medically reviewed by Melissa Guarnaccia , LCSW
• How Much Does BetterHelp Cost? What To Know Before Signing Up Medically reviewed by Paige Henry , LMSW, J.D.
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Comparing yourself to others essay writing

It’s hard to not compare yourself with other people, because of the preoccupation we’ve with perfection in modern existence. Once we start analyzing our achievements and accomplishments, you need to can raise the bar a lot more. It’s natural to evaluate you to ultimately others, additionally to envy them. However if you simply become passionate regarding your deficiencies, rather from the areas that you just stand out, you focus on the incorrect factor. This can be frequently debilitating, this means you will even stop you from involved with many regions of your existence. Constant comparison with other people takes lower self-esteem consequently feel below componen in regards to you. Resist the requirement to check yourself with other people by becoming mindful of the way you view yourself. Set goals on your own that can make your confidence, and relearn behaviors which will improve your opinion of yourself.

The beginning of 5: Selecting the best way to obtain Your Comparative Behavior Edit

Focus on the way you view yourself. The first step while altering the way you view yourself would be to note your thinking in regards to you. Without one awareness, you might be unable to comprehend the particular problem. Once you have made the decision to carryout an very struggle of damaging the pattern, consider using anybody to offer you support undergo nevertheless this, when you are consciously conscious of the behavior that you’re searching to alter, it might be easier to interrupt it lower into attainable goals.

Find out how .

• Will you’ve got a excellent opinion in regards to you? Are you able to allow others to handle way you have yourself? When you are searching with others to uncover yourself-esteem, this really is frequently an indication you are able to focus on your happiness.
• Among positive behavior occurs when evaluating you to ultimately someone with characteristics you admire. Rather of just envy they for his top quality (he’s a caring person, for instance), you attempt and be more caring.
• Among negative behavior occurs when evaluating yourself with anybody that has something want. For instance, you’re jealous in the person’s new vehicle.

• Consider how this comparison made you are feeling. Write lower all of the ideas and feelings that spring to mind. For instance, you are suffering from depression when you are jealous of someone’s new vehicle, however, you simply drive a 20-year-old vehicle. [3]
• For instance, it may look like for the childhood when you began evaluating you to ultimately a sister. You can understand that you started evaluating you to ultimately a sister since you felt neglected. Now you can start exploring the explanation for your comparative behavior.
• Probably the most difficult causes of comparative behavior is understanding it’s obtaining a bad effect on you. By tracking and acknowledging the strategies by which evaluating yourself enables you to definitely feel, you will be more susceptible to modify the negative behavior.
• Waste your hard earned money of one’s concentrating on the positive and good in your existence. You’ll most likely discover that you just start realizing really it when you are not busy evaluating you to ultimately others.
• By ongoing to keep a gratitude journal you can increase the likelihood of you success. However, just looking in the motions without motivation works unlike you. [5] You have to pressure yourself to check out things you might have assumed and offer due to them. Decide to know the depth in the gratitude while growing your existence.
• Write thorough. Instead of just creating a laundry set of things, provide a thorough explanation in the number of products that help you feel grateful.
• Discuss surprises or unpredicted occasions. This gives time for you to relish the fantastic feelings in your existence.
• You don’t have to write every day. Really, writing a few occasions every week is much more advantageous than writing every day.

Be kind to yourself. When you are kinder and fewer harsh on your own, you’ll encourage you to ultimately love this particular, it is also to enjoy this, it’s.

• It doesn’t appear others do and possess. You’re the one that matters on your existence.

Part Three of 5: Removing or Replacing Comparative Ideas Edit

• Pre-contemplation . In this particular stage, the person isn’t prepared to change. Frequently, for the reason that being naive or under-informed across the issue at hands.
• Contemplation . This stage involves thinking about creating a change. The person starts to weigh the positive angles of change, although he understands the negative sides of altering.
• Preparation . In this particular stage, the person has made a decision to change, and possesses began planning to institute the progres.
• Action . In this particular stage, the individual is making efforts to alter the conduct. This might involve mortgage loan business certain activities, or perhaps a increase in other activities, for instance.
• Maintenance . This stage involves maintaining some activity to make sure the conduct has altered and stays altered.
• Termination . In this particular stage, the conduct has altered and so the individual doesn’t experience relapse, even under stress, depression, anxiety or any other emotional states.

Understand that idealizing someone is impractical. We simply concentrate on certain aspects of the people we idealize, and they also be described as a grandiose fantasy that folks create. We elect only to check out individuals features we idealize basically we reject other characteristics which have been not attractive to us.

• For instance, knowing another person that can write well, instead of envying her talents, consider your talents. Tell yourself, “I might not be the very best author, however can draw perfectly. Besides, if If perhaps to boost paper, I’m able to work as of this goal personally instead of envying others for talent.”
• If you wish to function a marathon, condition this since the goal. You can assess where you’re at (for instance, get a feeling of the amount distance you can run before any training begins).
• Use the interest rate. Go ahead and take unique situation into consideration should you track just how you’re progressing. For instance, if you’re taking longer to get a graduate degree than numerous your buddies, you can consider how you may even work full-time, or else you are families, or else you are fixing your seniors parents. Everybody faces a distinctive situation that allows or restricts progress. Consider your conditions whenever you track just how you’re progressing.
• If you’re practicing a marathon, you can track the amount improvement the factor is each week. Run with an extended distance every week prior to deciding to hit the 26-mile mark. Concurrently you’re gaining distance, you’re also growing your speed. By charting just how you’re progressing, you will notice how lengthy you’ve come and exactly how much further you need to go.
• You need to realize that perfection is unquestionably an unproductive thought pattern where one holds not the very best ideal as being a standard of task. Realize that everyone’s the elements is totally. You can focus on enhancing abilities to create yourself happy.

Compete against yourself. Many high achieving athletes and actors have pointed out they compete against themselves. They constantly try and boost their own individual best. That’s a powerful way to raise the esteem as you have seen yourself reaching greater and greater goals. Whenever a player aims is easily the most good at the game, he might be requested to produce goals on their own and push themselves to operate faster and hone his skills. [8]

Judge you from your standards. If you realise how you can apply your standards to evaluate yourself, you’ll stop evaluating you to ultimately others. This practice removes your competition you might be feeling because other people’s expectations aren’t yours. In case you acknowledge your skill to produce the existence you’ll need on your own, you’ve control of the conclusion result. Judge yourself from your standards, instead of anybody else’s standards.

• For instance, you may take a look at images of athletes to admire their fitness. Instead of feeling inferior and jealous, you should utilize these as motivation to create adjustments to your existence. You should modify your diet plan program and get more exercise. Then, you employ the images productively instead of negatively.
• Begin with small steps. It will help help make your self-confidence in your abilities.

Help make your support. For those who have supportive people, you will find that you enhance your considered yourself.

• Consider yourself since the coach, pushing you toward excellence. Give love and appreciation for your efforts. Then you’ll achieve goals that you simply searching by yourself by raising your esteem, instead of destroying it.

Part Five of 5: Using Media Responsibly Edit

• In case you don’t need to completely disable or delete your Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram account, then limit time spent each day, or every week, looking after your accounts. For instance, keeping it to ten minutes every single day or half an hour every week, but be careful since even little bit of exposure can result in negative comparative thinking. [9]
• Even temporary reference to media depicting ideal images remains proven to affect self-esteem and self-image negatively. [10] This may even generate danger of rumination and depression signs and signs and signs and symptoms. [11]
• For instance, in case you envy the very best relationship the friend has together with her spouse, remember how difficult it had been on her behalf account to uncover that partner along with the challenges she might have faced. Empathy will replace jealousy.
• If you notice someone while using the body, vehicle, or existence you’ll need, try and consider actions to get yourself nearer to these goals and write them lower.

Use social networking within the positive way. Find purpose of them which will enrich your existence. Follow educational, informative, or inspirational pages. If you want success, follow entrepreneurial accounts. If you wish to obtain a better health, follow fitness and eating healthily pages. If you wish to raise the mind and personality, try following brain and psychology-related accounts.

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Stop Comparing Yourself To Others – You’ll Never Be Happy

Don’t you think it’s interesting how most people never seem to be happy with themselves?

No matter what we do, what we have or how we look, it never seems good enough.

We constantly compare ourselves to everyone else, what they are doing, what they look like, what they have achieved, so much so that we forget who we are… we forget our qualities and forget that being unique is our greatest asset.

Social media has made it much easier for us to feel unworthy, because it seems everywhere you look, someone has something bigger, better, more beautiful.

You may think you are doing awesome and proud of what you have achieved in your life, yet when you log onto Facebook and see what everyone else has, you suddenly feel inferior.

But, why do we do that?

Why do we think like that?

We were taught by our parents that it’s what is inside that matters… many of us teach our own children that, and we all know it to be true on a deep level… yet for some reason, many of us still compare ourselves with others on a materialistic and shallow level.

There is always going to be someone prettier than you, fitter than you, smarter than you, richer than you and appearing happier than you. Good for them. Good for all of them. You focus on you.

You have qualities that no one else has… because you were born unique. The sooner you realise that, and start living your life as yourself, free from caring about opinions of others… the happier you will be.

We all have something to amazing offer this world. There is not one single person on the earth that is the same as you… not one! You must understand how amazing that is.

No one is perfect.

That profile you just went through on Instagram, that is a highlight reel. Everyone has their challenges behind closed doors. Everyone has qualities and things they need to work on as well.

So when you are comparing yourself to everyone else, remember that these people aren’t perfect… no one is. They don’t have it all figured out. They have bad times too and don’t always look that great, but usually you don’t get to see that side.

Nobody posts bad photos of themselves or the terrible apartment they first lived in… until they succeed.

So next time you start to compare yourself to another, just remember we are all human and go through the same good and bad times as everyone else.

If it seems like everyone around you may have more than you or what you consider to be a great life, know that YOUR life won’t get any better by being bitter.

Get grateful for what you DO have and the great qualities you DO possess. Then, focus on what you CAN do to get to the life you do deserve, and will achieve if you keep working for it. Just don’t do it because someone else has it.

Wanting to be like someone else is an insult to who you ARE.

Warmest regards: Comparing yourself to others

How much do you compare yourself to others?

Do you look at someone’s “perfect life” and wish you had a life like that?

Do you think others have it much better than you do?

We all probably compare yourself to others a lot more than we think.

Our personal happiness can hinge on how much comparing we do.

Here’s a recipe for disaster: Look around at everyone’s life and think how good they have it compared to you.

First of all, there is no way we know the true life someone has. What we tell others is sometimes far from the truth.

There are those who put their best food forward in public. Nothing wrong with that.

We don’t have to play “true confession” when we talk about our life. We don’t owe it to anyone to tell them all our problems. I reserve that kind of honesty for my nearest and dearest friends. And even then I’m careful about what I say because no one wants to listen to a long tale of woe.

I am most open with my two daughters. If I feel a need to sound off about something it’s safe to tell my daughters. They are often good at giving me a new perspective about a problem. Best yet, I know what I tell them will be held in confidence.

But one thing is certain. We don’t embellish something until it becomes more fiction than real.

How many people on Facebook work hard to create the impressions they want us to have?

One young friend said she’s not going to her class reunion because all her classmates are doing much better than she is.

They have better jobs, nicer husbands, and a better life than she has, she thinks.

My young friend said she gets depressed when she reads about what her classmates are doing.

It never occurred to her that many people on Facebook paint a picture that is far from reality.

One of my relatives who has been dealt a bad hand for much of her life said she feels even worse when she reads about her classmates that retired early and bought their dream home. She, on the other hand, is still struggling to pay her rent.

I tell her just because someone has something great like a retirement home doesn’t mean they have a great life.

We judge by what we see on the outside. That doesn’t mean their life is so peachy.

A case in point is one of my very best friends will never know what it’s like to “have to make do.”

She has multiple homes, plenty of water toys outside her place and a stock portfolio that has more zeros than I can read.

She told me she can’t understand why some people in Florida have yet to repair their homes from hurricane damage. I told her it’s because so many insurance companies have yet to pay claims. And some didn’t have adequate insurance in the first place.

“Hmmm. That’s their fault. Why would someone go without enough insurance?” she said.

We don’t really understand someone’s life unless we first walk in their footsteps.

When some people see my friend’s luxury cars and palatial, waterfront home they may wish they had her life.

That might not wish that if they knew the heavy heartbreak that is my friend’s lot in life.

We’re all familiar with the expression, “Money doesn’t buy happiness.”

But do we believe it?

There was a time when my brother would have answered that question saying he sure would love the opportunity to have a lot of money. He used to equate more money with happiness.

As I shared with you before, my brother found his happiness not in more money but in restoring an old cabin in the woods where he is surrounded with the wonders of nature.

The longer I live the more I believe that I’ve found a sure-proof recipe for happiness.

Here it is:

• Cultivate a deep sense of gratitude.

• Happiness doesn’t depend on how much you have. It depends on how grateful you are for what you have.

• Rather than looking at someone else’s life and wishing you had a life like that, how much happier someone would be if they were truly grateful for the life they have.

I can honestly say I never wanted someone else’s life. It’s not that I never wished I had what someone else had. The closest I come to that is looking at my neighbor who has eight brothers and sisters. No matter what goes wrong in my neighbor’s life her brothers and sisters show up to help.

When the hurricane ripped apart my neighbor’s home she didn’t have adequate insurance to pay for it. But she had something better - siblings who can tackle anything.

I was amazed when I watched her brothers and sisters on her roof, tearing off the damaged roof and installed a new one. I never saw women tackle a job like that.

I keep telling my neighbor I wish I had more brothers and sisters. But then I realize how lucky I am to have the world’s best daughters and a caring brother and sister.

I’ve learned to say thank you every single day for the blessings I do have. I can never say thank you enough.

Email Pattie Mihalik at [email protected] .

Missing hiker found dead on the Blue Mountain

Police activity in west penn township, where we live: lights going out on shine program, pasd superintendent hired for allentown position, ‘24 hours in hell’ tv series filmed in lehighton.