7 year old won't do homework

ONLINE PARENTING COACH

Help for parents with strong-willed, out-of-control teens and preteens.

Defiant Children Who Refuse To Do Homework: 30 Tips For Parents

• Your child doesn’t understand the work and needs some extra help. It’s possible that your youngster doesn’t want to do his homework because he really needs help.  Also, it can be challenging for moms and dads to accept that their youngster might need help with homework, because there is often a stigma attached to kids who need tutoring. 
• Your child is addicted to TV and video games. Moms and dads often find it very difficult to limit these activities. But, understand that playing video games and watching TV doesn’t relax a youngster’s brain.  In fact, it actually over-stimulates the brain and makes it harder for him to learn and retain information.  Too much of watching TV and playing video games contributes to your youngster struggling with school and homework in more ways than one.
• Your child is exhausted from a long day at school. In the last 10 to 20 years, the needs of kids have not changed, however the pace of life has.  Most moms and dads are busy and have very little down time, which inevitably means that the youngster ends up with less down time too.  He is going to be less likely to be motivated to work when there is chaos all around him.  
• Your child is not sleeping enough. Sleep is one of the most under-appreciated needs in our society today. When a child doesn’t get enough sleep, it can cause him to be sick more often, lose focus, and have more emotional issues. Kids often need a great deal more sleep than they usually get.  
• Your child is over-booked with other activities. Moms and dads want their youngster to develop skills other than academics. Because of this, they often sign-up their youngster for extracurricular activities (e.g., sports or arts).  
• Your child is overwhelmed by your expectations. Moms and dads want their youngster to be well-rounded and to get ahead in life.  Along with this comes getting good grades.  All these expectations can put a lot of pressure on your youngster and may cause him to become burned-out and want to find an escape.
• instructions are unclear
• neither you nor your youngster can understand the purpose of assignments
• the assignments are often too hard or too easy
• the homework is assigned in uneven amounts
• you can't provide needed supplies or materials 
• you can't seem to help your youngster get organized to finish the assignments
• your youngster has missed school and needs to make up assignments
• your youngster refuses to do her assignments, even though you've tried hard to get her to do them
• Do you understand what you're supposed to do?
• What do you need to do to finish the assignment?
• Do you need help in understanding how to do your work?
• Have you ever done any problems like the ones you're supposed to do right now?
• Do you have everything you need to do the assignment?
• Does your answer make sense to you? 
• Are you still having problems? Maybe it would help to take a break or have a snack.
• Do you need to review your notes (or reread a chapter in your textbook) before you do the assignment? 
• How far have you gotten on the assignment? Let's try to figure out where you're having a problem.

How do I get my over-achieving daughter to slow down?

"I have taken the quiz and surprisingly found that I was a severely over indulgent parent. This angers me because I didn't think...

• December 7, 2022

3 Ways To Help When Your Child Refuses To Do Schoolwork

What can you do when your child refuses to do schoolwork? For a variety of reasons, kids sometimes (or often!) are unmotivated to do what needs to be done. You know the importance of schoolwork, so it can feel frustrating when your child digs their heels in and flat-out refuses to do it.

You can bring more joy to your child’s educational experience. No matter what your schooling situation is (homeschool, private, public), here are some practical ideas to empathize , encourage , and empower ( problem-solve). Before we dive deeper, it’s important to first check what’s going on in your own heart.

Check what’s going on inside you first

Effectively helping your kids starts with learning to navigate your own anxiety , so you can lead your children calmly. Ask yourself, “Why does this bother me so much? What is underneath my frustration?”

• Are you simply overloaded with responsibilities, and you just want your child to do this without all the fuss? 
• Are you frustrated that your co-parent isn’t as involved as you’d like them to be? 
• Are you anxious about your child’s future ? 
• If you struggled, are you determined to prevent the kind of discouragement you experienced? 
• Or if you were a high achiever, are you determined that your child has the same success? 

With that insight, what are some beliefs based in the rock-solid foundation of God’s truth? 

For example, you might be thinking, “If my child fails this class, I have failed her, and she may fail in life,” Instead, try to embrace this freeing truth: “If my child fails a class, it’s a class. That’s it. It doesn’t define either of us or limit God’s purposes for my child.  “

Remind yourself and your children that there is plenty of grace for this struggle, God is with you in it, and it doesn’t have to be perfect.

Try to embrace this freeing truth: “If my child fails a class, it’s a class. That’s it. It doesn’t define either of us or limit God’s purposes for my child.  “

Empathize when your child refuses to do schoolwork

It is important to empathize with your kids before you try to solve the problem. Step into their shoes as you ask yourself:

• What’s it like to be them?
• What are they feeling? 
• Are there basic needs (nutrition, sleep, outside stress) that could be causing them to struggle? 

Your child might be experiencing overstimulation, boredom, low blood sugar, fatigue, or lack of exercise and/or sleep. Whatever the stressors your kids are experiencing, it’s helpful to express, “ I get what it’s like to be you! ” 

Some kids’ brains are like a microscope – easily dialed in on a specific focus, while others are more like a kaleidoscope of bright, distracting thoughts that are constantly changing. And remember, compared to you as an adult , your child doesn’t have the same maturity and development. Research confirms , “The development and maturation of the prefrontal cortex occurs primarily during adolescence and is fully accomplished at the age of 25 years.”  

The ADHD child refusing to do schoolwork

This is especially true of the child with ADHD : “there is a global delay in ADHD in brain regions important for the control of action and attention.” One blogger describes the jumbled thoughts of ADHD as being like a busy, unregulated intersection . Tough to concentrate on homework when there’s a “traffic jam” in your brain!  

Ever seen that glazed-over look in your child with ADHD? That’s the traffic jam. The child with ADHD refusing to do schoolwork especially needs your empathy! It’s not fun or easy to do things when you feel you’re not good at them. That’s something everyone can empathize with.

Whatever your child’s learning style or brain development, do your best to step out of your adult brain into theirs to sincerely express compassion for them.

Encourage your child 

Empathy helps kids open their hearts to your sincere encouragement. If discouragement is at the core of your child’s refusal to do homework, they might not feel capable of completing their assignments.

Let them know, “I see and enjoy good things in you!” The word “encourage” literally means “to fill with courage.” So fill your kids with courage about who they are as you dwell on what is good instead of focusing on what isn’t good. Fist bumps, humor, and thoughtful affirmation can provide needed encouragement. 

Remind your child of previous successes at persevering and working hard : 

• “Let’s write down the things you’ve already finished today and cross them off with a big, black marker!! That’s such a good feeling.” 😉  
• “Remember yesterday, when you got upset, went for a little bike ride, and then came back and worked hard? You felt really good about your work.” 
• “You worked so hard at soccer this summer, even when your team lost. You’re growing in perseverance, and that can help you now.” Or even, “When you’re playing your video game, you are so determined to get to the next level! Even if it’s not as fun, you can also learn to apply that determination to homework.” 

Create a “just-right-challenge”

Maybe your child is good with the first three problems on the math sheet but loses steam or gets distracted by #4, or maybe your child just cannot get started with a large project. Some evidence-based strategies might include “chunking” a project down into steps or setting up an agreement with their teacher for them to complete shorter assignments.

This parent-teacher team  used a novel approach to help a child with ADHD build  resilience  for complex challenges and even failure, and grow a sense of  competence  and accomplishment.  If your child’s teacher doesn’t want to go as far as this teacher did, that’s okay. You can try your own at-home variation with the same goal: that your child discovers the joys of doing something hard, even making mistakes, and finishing it.

Build a biblical identity

If your child is an out-of-the-box, creative, distractible kiddo, remind them that although school is an easier match for brains that like predictable sequences, their qualities will serve them well in the future in a creative-oriented work environment. Especially if they learn to work hard in the meantime. God created their brain in the womb in a unique way for His good purposes!

Empower: problem-solving together increases motivation

Once you have empathized with and encouraged your kids, they will feel safer and calmer with you. Then you can then work to solve the problem.

It’s important to watch for what your child naturally gravitates toward: What picks them up? What helps them? When it goes better, how does that happen? Teach them to advocate for themselves by asking for what they need to be successful.

Checklists can help with problem-solving

One mom, Julia, wrote Lynne about some helpful solutions she discovered with her 9-year-old daughter during a struggle over schoolwork:

“We had a couple of great victories recently. Last Wednesday, Ashley started falling apart because she was struggling with schoolwork. I made a little written list for her of what she might need in the moment to calm down:

• Am I hungry?
• Am I tired?
• Do I need to switch subjects?
• Do I need something to drink?
• Do I need some ice water?
• Do I need a break?
• Do I need help?

My natural impulse was to get frustrated and anxious, but instead, I stayed calm and helped her in a compassionate way.”

In this list, Julia sent a new and powerful message to Ashley: “I care about why this is hard for you. With a little help, you can figure out what you need in order to be successful.” The tide had turned. 

“Ashley filled out the list by putting four checks by “I am tired.” So I suggested some ice water (which I hoped would energize her!) in a fun cup with the crazy straw and then tickled her back while she drank it. She returned to work, turned her attitude around, and did great!

A couple of days later, she started falling apart again while doing homework, but she didn’t want to put the work aside and do something different. I took out the list again and reminded her of how great we both did on Wednesday.”

Can you feel the difference? Julia’s approach became encouraging instead of discouraging. Ashley was still accountable for doing her work but in an environment of support instead of criticism .

The impact of laughter and fun

Julia’s note wasn’t finished.

“I snuggled with her, tried to make her laugh, and reminded her that she is ‘my sunshine girl. ’ I also added some silly humor from a movie that we watched recently.

When we had a little playful momentum going, I said, ‘Let’s add to the list ‘ :

• Do I need to tell my mom how awesome she is?
• Do I need to do something nice for my smart, beautiful, awesome mom?

Then Ashley wrote:

• Do I need my mom to sing opera and dance like crazy?

We turned it around again with a little dancing and singing, and she got through her schoolwork, with both of us really having fun and enjoying each other.”

This mom’s realization of what was happening beneath the surface of Julia’s behavior helped her to empathize with and encourage her daughter. This paved the way to empower her daughter to ask for what she needed to be successful. Notice how Julia also incorporated laughter and fun! In tension, laughing together releases serotonin and communicates, “Everything’s okay; we’re safe with each other.”

A key question: What helps schoolwork to go better?

Marilee, a homeschooling mom of five, was struggling with her 7-year-old son Timmy, who was very distractible and resistant to schoolwork. Every day he would run outside instead of doing his work. Thus began his regular morning power struggle with mom. 

In a coaching session , Marilee realized that the commotion of four siblings around him probably felt overwhelming to Timmy. When asked the question, “When does it go better?” Marilee realized that on days he was alone outside all morning, he was both regulated and motivated to get his schoolwork done quickly in the early afternoon so he could join play with his siblings. His “defiance” about morning schoolwork was actually his attempt to get what his brain and body needed to focus well. 

Timmy and Marilee problem-solved together and adjusted his schedule to put his schoolwork at the optimum time. Timmy also told his mom, “I really like rewards!” and chose rock tumbling . Marilee reported since these changes, Timmy is doing much better and has now lined up the rocks he’s earned.

Practical ways to set your child up for schoolwork success

Whether you are with your child all day doing schoolwork or only a couple of hours in the evenings, there are many creative and practical ways to empathize, encourage, and empower your child. Here is a list of creative ideas from other parents: 

• Start schoolwork with purposeful movement or something fun: a joke book, fun poems, singing silly songs together, big movement activity ( 60 Creative Ways to Get Kids Moving ), or a short story time.
• Plan a different activity each day to look forward to after work is done: a big coloring poster, puzzle, board games, obstacle courses, a half-hour classic TV show (i.e., Brady Bunch, Gilligan’s Island, I Love Lucy), or a video chat with a grandparent. 
• Occasionally hide healthy snacks or stickers in their work for kids to discover. 
• If things start to get tense, line up and give back rubs for 3 minutes, and then switch directions
• Use a timer , so kids know how long until a fun break comes. ( 60 Creative Ways to Get Kids Moving ).
• Put stickers on completed work and correct it together.
• Kids can do their work in creative places! (Hammock, play tent , deck/patio, or even a treehouse!) 
• Kids bugging each other? If possible, provide them with some private space in different corners or rooms. Be creative if you are in a tight area: try a big box or fort with pillows; under a table; behind the couch, your bedroom floor. 
• Do math or spelling on the sidewalk or driveway in chalk. The bigger arm movements give more sensory input to speed up the visual motor learning process. Younger kids can make letters from masking tape and then drive toy cars or walk on them. 
• Give kids more ownership. One mom invited her complaining kids, “Do you need to stop for the day?” Since they were reasonably motivated kids, that freedom was all they needed to decide they wanted to complete the assignment. 
• Ask kids to make up their own “character report cards” and grade themselves daily for things like creativity, perseverance, focus, or cooperation. Ask questions about any successes to help them understand how they did it. 
• Remember the importance of routine. Try to find ways of putting whatever ideas are most helpful into a predictable flow each day, so that empathy and encouragement are what your kids come to expect.

As you incorporate these ideas, expect lots of ups and downs and give yourself plenty of grace . God’s grace is much deeper than your homework struggles when things are tough, you’re exhausted, and your best efforts seem not to be helping your child. And when you blow it, model do-overs and remind each other that the Spirit of Jesus invites you and your children into His comfort and rest! 

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

Please reach out if you are feeling stuck! Let us know how we can empathize, encourage, and empower YOU as you parent. You might want to consider coaching , and, as always, we are praying for you.  Contact us with your prayer requests. 

Download our FREE in-depth list 60 Creative Ways to Get Kids Moving and Laughing .

Related posts.

Jim and Lynne Jackson

A Fine Parent

A Life Skills Blog Exclusively For Parents

Child Not Doing Homework? Read This Before You Try Anything Else

by Tanith Carey . (This article is part of the Be Positive series. Get free article updates here .)

Instead, Lily had just scribbled all over her homework worksheet, thrown her pencil on the floor and was now yelling at the top of her voice: “ I hate Math! I suck at it!”

With my younger daughter to put to bed, Lily in a melt down and me exhausted after a day at work, the tension was rapidly rising.

But even if I could calm ourselves down , there was no end in sight. Even if I could persuade her to finish her math homework, Lily still had the whole book reading to do.

So I was facing two choices –

Should I stand over her and insist that not doing homework was NOT an option?

Or should I tell her to put the books away, write a note to her teacher and just let her unwind and play in the lead up to bedtime?

Have you been there? What choice would you make?

The choice I would make now is very different to what my choice would have been a few years back.

Back then, I’d try to push through with a mixture of cajoling and prompting and assurances that she did know how to do her Math  really .

If that didn’t work then maybe in despair and frustration that she didn’t seem to want to try, I would have gotten angry and tried to explain how serious I was about this.

A Game of One-Upmanship

After all, what choice did I have? From the very early days in the private nursery she attended, I found myself surrounded by lots of other mothers locked into the same race to make their children the brightest and the best.

As Lily got older, I came to learn how insidiously contagious  pushy parenting is.

If one of the mothers spotted another parent with a Kumon Math folder, we all rushed to sign up too – for fear our children would get left behind.

Neurosis underpinned every conversation at the school gates – particularly as all of us were aiming to get our children into a small handful of selective private schools in the area.

Bit by bit, the parenting journey which had started off being so exciting and rewarding, was turning into a stressful game of one-upmanship .

But children are not products to be developed and put on show to reflect well on us.

Depending on what happens on the night, every child is conceived with a unique combination of genes which also maps out their strengths, weaknesses and personality traits before they are even born.

Lily may have been bred into a competitive hotbed. But as an innately modest and sensitive child, she decided she did not want to play.

The alarm bells started ringing in Grade Three when, after I personally made sure she turned in the best Space project, she won the prize. While I applauded uproariously from the sidelines, Lily, then seven, fled the room in tears and refused to accept the book token from the Head.

When she calmed down, she explained she hated us making a fuss. But what is just as likely is that she disliked the fact that her successes had become as much ours as hers. Even at that young age, no doubt she also realized that the more she succeeded, the more pressure she would be under to keep it up.

Over the next few years, the issues only deepened.

The Problem of Not Doing Homework

The increasing amounts of homework sent home by the school gradually turned our house into a war zone – with me as the drill sergeant.

Homework is one of the most common flash points between kids and parents – the crossroads at which academic endeavors meet parental expectations at close quarters – and behind closed doors.

Surveys have found that homework is the single biggest source of friction between children and parents. One survey found that forty percent of kids say they have cried during rows over it. Even that figure seems like a dramatic underestimate.

Yet more and more, it is recognized that homework undermines family time and eats into hours that should be spent on play or leisure.

A straightforward piece of work that would take a child twenty minutes at school can easily take four times as long at home with all the distractions and delaying tactics that go with it.

As a result, children get less sleep , go to bed later and feel more stressed .

Homework has even started to take over summer vacations.

Once, the long break was seen as a chance for children to have adventures, discover themselves and explore nature. Now the summer months are viewed as an extension of the academic year – a chance for kids to catch up or get ahead with workbooks and tutoring.

But ultimately homework abides by the law of diminishing returns.

Researchers at Duke University found that after a maximum of two hours of homework, any learning benefits rapidly start to drop off for high school students.

While some children will do everything to avoid doing it, at the extreme others will become perfectionists who have to be persuaded to go to bed. Some moms I spoke to had to bribe their children to do less!

Given the cloud of anxiety hovering over them, no wonder some of these children perceive education as stressful .

Pushed to the Brink

While all of us would say we love our children no matter what, unfortunately that’s not the message our kids hear. Instead, children become angry when they feel we are turning them into passive projects. Rather than feel like they are disappointing us, they disconnect. Early signs may be they become uncommunicative after school, stop looking parents in the eye, become secretive or avoidant.

But we need to remember that unhappy, stressed kids don’t learn.

Over the next few years, Lily’s insistence on not doing homework kept getting worse. To try and get to the bottom of it, my husband Anthony and I took her to see educational psychologist who found strong cognitive scores and no signs of learning difficulties.

But what the report did identify was how profoundly Lily’s self-worth had been affected .  Even though I had never once told her she should be top of the class, she still felt she had to be good at everything. If she couldn’t be, she didn’t think there was any point trying at all.

It was clear despite our best efforts to support her, Lily constantly felt criticized . She was becoming defensive and resentful.

Most serious of all, by claiming she couldn’t do her homework – when she could – she was testing if my love for her was conditional on her success.

I had to face up to the painful truth that unless I took immediate action – and killed off my inner Tiger Mom – my child and I were growing apart.

So for the sake of my daughter, I realized I had to change direction and take my foot off the gas .

When her tutor rang to tell me Lily needed a break, I was delighted to agree. Since then, I have let her focus on the subjects that really matter to her – art and music – and have let her decide what direction to take them in.

I also made a deliberate effort to spend time with Lily – just the two of us – so we can simply “be” together. Now instead of trips to the museums and classical concerts, we go for walks in the park and hot chocolates.

The Difficult Journey Back

To help her recognize and dismiss the voice that was bringing her down, I took her to see a Neuro-Linguistic Programming coach who teaches children strategies to untangle the persistent negative thoughts that undermine their self-belief – and replace them with positive ones.

Before we began, Jenny explained that Lily’s issues are not uncommon. As a teacher with 30 years’ experience, Jenny believes the growing pressure on children to perform from an early age is contributing to a general rise in learning anxiety. The youngest child she has helped was six .

It’s children like Lily, who don’t relish a contest, who are among the biggest casualties.

At home, some have been made to feel they are not good enough by parents or are intimidated by more academic sisters and brothers. Some may develop an inferiority complex simply because they are born into high-achieving families.

Once established, failure can also become self-reinforcing. Even when they get good marks, children like Lily still dwell on the pupil who got the higher one to support their negative views of their abilities, making it a self-perpetuating downward spiral.

It’s when children start to see this self-criticism as fact that the negative self-talk can start.

As she sat on the sofa, Jenny asked Lily if she had ever heard a nagging voice in her head that put her down. Lily looked surprised but answered that yes, she had. Asked who it was, my daughter replied: “It’s me, but the mean me.”

Asked to draw this character, Lily depicted an angry, disapproving female figure with her hands on her hips, with a mouth spouting the words “blah, blah, blah.” When asked to name her, Lily thought for a moment before coming up with the name Miss Trunch-Lily, so-called because the figure is half herself – and half the hectoring teacher from Roald Dahl’s Matilda.

Now that Miss Trunch-Lily had been nailed, Jenny and Lily agreed an easy way to deal with her would be to talk back and tell her “Stop it, you meanie” one hundred times.

But that would take a long time, so Lily and Jenny came up with a quicker solution; imagining a canon which would instantly send a shower of 60 candies into her mouth so she couldn’t say another word.

Next time Lily heard her nagging voice, all she had to do was press an imaginary button and her nemesis would be silenced.

In the months that followed, Lily seemed to relax. Gradually the procrastination about homework started to vanish – and Lily was much more likely to open her books after school and quietly get on with her homework.

A Fresh New Start

Instead my husband, my daughters and I went on long walks with our dog. We examined different types of seaweed and examined crabs in rock pools.

Back in the cottage, we sat around and read books that interested us. I let the children play upstairs for hours, not on their phones, but in long elaborate role-plays, without feeling the need to interrupt once.

I would wager that Lily and Clio learnt more about themselves – and what they are capable of – in a single week than in a whole semester at their schools where they hardly get a moment to stop and think.

Of course, for the child born with a go-getting personality, teaming up with turbo-charged parents can be a winning combination – to start with at least.

But as adults, we have to start asking – how high we can raise the bar before it’s too high for our children to jump?

After all, a bigger picture is also emerging : a rise in anxiety disorders, depression and self-harm among children who have grown up with this continual pressure – and the emergence of a generation who believe they are losers if they fail, they’ve never done enough if they win.

Even among children who succeed in this environment, educationalists are finding pushy parenting creates a drive towards perfectionism which can turn into self-criticism when these young people can’t live up to such high standards.

I’m happy that in the midst of this arms race to push our kids more and more, there are changes afoot. Around the world, parents and educators are drawing up a blue-print for an alternative.

Whether it’s slow parenting , minimalist parenting , free-range parenting – or the more bluntly named Calm the F*** Down parenting , there is recognition that we need to resist the impulse to constantly push and micro-manage.

As a mother to Lily, as well as my younger daughter, Clio, I’ve decided I don’t want to be a part of all those crushing burdens of expectations. I want to provide a relief from it.

Apart from the fact it makes children happier, it’s also so much more fun.

Now I love the fact that when Lily messes around in the kitchen making cupcakes, I no longer have to fight the urge to tell her to hurry up – and badger her to finish her homework.

Of course, not doing homework is not an option – but these days in our house the aim is to do it as quickly and efficiently as possible. If a concept is not understood, I don’t pull my hair out trying to be the teacher and trying to play ‘catch-up’. If Lily, now 12, genuinely does not understand it, I write a note to the member of the staff to explain that it may need further explanation. It’s a simple system and is working perfectly fine for us.

I like it that when she comes home from school, and I ask her, ‘How are you?’ I really mean it.  It’s no longer code for: ‘What marks did you get today, darling?’ and I’m not thinking ‘Hurry up with your answer, so we can get on with your homework.’

Most of all I love the fact that I can finally appreciate Lily for the person she is now: a 12-year-old girl with an acerbic sense of humor who likes Snoopy, play-dates and kittens – and not for the person I once wanted her to be.

The 2-Minute Action Plan for Fine Parents

For our quick contemplation questions today –

• Imagine meeting your child in 20 years times. Ask them to describe their childhood. Do they describe it as magical? Or do they look back on it as a race from one after school activity and homework project to the next?
• Ask yourself what do you want for your children? When you say you want your children to be happy, what has that come to mean to you?  If you really analyze it, has it drifted into being interpreted as professional success and financial acumen? Furthermore, have you come to judge success by a very narrow definition of traditional career achievement and earning power?
• Now check again. If you look around you, what do the happiest people you know have in common? Is it material goods, high-flying jobs and academic qualifications? Or is it emotional balance? If you approach the question another way, are the wealthiest people you know also the most satisfied with life?

The Ongoing Action Plan for Fine Parents

Spend some time sorting through any conflicts related to your kids not doing homework.

To start with, train your children in good habits and place time limits on how long homework should take from the start.

Ask the school how long a child should spend on each subject at night. Then you can help keep those limits in place by telling kids they can’t spend a minute more – or a minute less – than the allotted time.

Find the time of the day after school that works best for your child – either straight after arriving home or after a short break. Agree a start time every day so that the rule turns into a routine and there is less room for resistance and negotiation.

Don’t finish their homework for kids because you are desperate to get it off the evening’s to-do list. That will just mask the problem and get you dragged into a nightly conflict. Help them instead to take responsibility for their homework, while you provide guidance from the sidelines on an on-need basis.

About Tanith Carey

Award-winning parenting writer Tanith Carey is a mother-of-two who writes books which aim to address the most pressing issues for modern families – and how to build strong, resilient kids in today’s challenging world. Her latest book Taming the Tiger Parent: How to put your child's well-being first in a competitive world has been called a big picture book to ‘re-orientate our parenting’, ‘highly readable’ ‘well-researched’ and ‘ beautifully written’ by teachers, parents and professionals. The book has received global coverage from outlets ranging from the NBC Today Show to the New York Post to yahooparenting, the Guardian and dailymail.online. Her seventh book 'Girls Uninterrupted - A manual for raising courageous daughters' - will be published in February 2015.

December 22, 2014 at 9:14 am

This is interesting to me because it doesn’t match our experience at all. We are struggling with my daughter doing homework, but it’s more of an adolescent rebellion/lethargy thing.

My kids attend a Montessori school which generally does not assign homework. What homework they tend to get in the elementary levels is a packet of assorted reading and math that they have an entire week to do at whatever pace works for them. My son’s homework is optional and he always opts out. (He’s very busy at home drawing and playing piano and he’s already reading at a high school level in second grade, so we never worry about academics with him anyway.) But my oldest is in seventh grade and they are trying to transition the kids into what will happen in high school, and my daughter has balked at all the homework.

But we have never approached our kids’ homework as our responsibility. We are always available to help and answer questions, but I explain that I passed whatever grade they are in already, and this is their turn to learn and show what they know. It’s been much harder clamping down on my oldest and making sure she knows what the homework is and has it ready. I explained to her recently that I remember those rebellious feelings, but the only person she’s hurting is herself. She’s limiting her choices later by not doing homework. Her teachers care, but in the end it doesn’t impact them, either. It’s all on her. I also told her the worst case scenario is she ends up at the local high school by default instead of following her friends to better places, but that the local high school is good too, so it’s not the end of the world.

I actually worry when I read about other parents monitoring elements of their kids’ lives so much more closely than I do that I’m not doing enough, but my kids are smart and happy and kind and I think they will do fine in the world, so I suppose we will stick with what we are doing. Because all of us are getting some part of it wrong, regardless.

December 22, 2014 at 11:07 am

Thanks so much for sharing that perspective, Korinthia. I love your calm and collected approach to everything parenting, so I’m not entirely surprised with the way you approach home work 🙂 That said, in the circles I hang out, very few parents (if any) would be as calm about this as you are! I don’t know if it has anything to do with the fact that most of us are first generation immigrants and are quite fanatic about education…

Even among our friends, we are a bit of an extreme case. Our daughter goes to a private school. She’s had to do daily homework on weekdays (Mon – Thu) since Kinder. We did have some initial resistance, but it’s mostly a well-established habit now. When she comes home, we take a short break, and then she sits down for homework while I get dinner ready.

Most of the days, it happens without any issues. Some days, she tries to change the rules by wanting to play before homework. I understand her want to do that, but having come from a middle class family in a developing country, my perspective on this is very different. We are where we are, quite literally, due to the discipline we had in regards to education. That discipline is a very powerful thing and like many things the earlier you get it instilled the easier it is. I see it as my job to instill that discipline in my daughter. What she wants to do with it when she grows up is up to her. (In my own case, I’ve shelved a Ph.D to be a stay-at-home mom now and pursue what I really want to do. But that’s been possible only because my degree allowed me to get a high-paying job where I was able to save enough that I don’t have to worry about money for a few years. In those years, if I can find a way to earn a modest income from this site without selling my soul, great. If not, I’ll go back to my old job and repeat the cycle. It’s an amazing freedom to have!)

Anyway, so to me, it boils down to this: this is another case of the intricate balance we parents have to strike — we need to nudge our kids to reach their full potential, but without making it stressful and hopefully in a way that they actually enjoy the process. It’s not easy, and like you I wonder sometimes if I’m making the right choice. And here, I’ll defer to your wise words, because I can’t say it any better — my [daughter is] smart and happy and kind and I think will do fine in the world, so I suppose we will stick with what we are doing. Because all of us are getting some part of it wrong, regardless. 🙂

December 22, 2014 at 3:36 pm

I’m endlessly fascinated with how many ways there are to do things as a family. And it’s always interesting to know what others think of as normal.

I guess for us it comes down to the idea that learning is important, but grades are not. I had a horribly unfair incident in college concerning a grade, and I remember my grandmother smiling and saying, “No one ever asks me what my GPA was.” And it’s true. MIT was threatening to withhold my brother’s Master’s Degree over a deadline on a signature he had nothing to do with, and he just shrugged it off and said, “They can’t take back what I learned.” (They did finally give him his degree, but he really didn’t care.) Grades don’t really mean much. A “B” for one student may be a mark of a lot of effort, and evidence of slacking off for another. I’m more interested in what my kids actually know.

I think that’s why Montessori has been such a good fit for us. They teach to the individual, they don’t give letter grades, and there is no sense of competition, only striving to learn more about the world. We know by comparison to other schools around the city that ours is one of the highest performing, so we feel confident that they are getting a good education, but it’s their education, not mine.

Maybe because I grew up in a family of artists? We were always busy, always making things and learning something new. That’s what I want for my kids. I like that they are never bored, and that they LOVE school. They love it. They pretend not to be sick when they have a cold just so they can go. I guess in my mind that’s what school should be. Someplace to be excited about.

December 22, 2014 at 4:54 pm

It is fascinating, isn’t it? I think the way we grow up, and what we have experienced, colors the lens through which we see the world.

I agree with you that at the end of the day, learning, and the love of learning, are more important than everything else.

I think differently about grades though. Grades to me, are a reflection of how well you can apply that learning. Knowledge by itself isn’t enough. You need to be able to apply it in some way – either to earn a living, or help make the world a better place, or whatever. For kids, getting good grades are a way to practice applying/expressing their knowledge… it’s a very narrow and imperfect way to do it, but it’s what we have, nevertheless.

And, I look at absolute grades… not relative ones. In other words, I don’t care how many other kids did better or worse than her in any given test… I’m interested mainly in what she did or didn’t do well.

Just like us, she will sometimes be successful in applying that knowledge. Sometimes, not as much. The question then is, what can I do to help her better retain what she has learnt and apply it more effectively?

Now, if her grades aren’t good because of something outside her control, she is off the hook. If not, we hold her accountable, and work on it together to try and figure out what she can change/improve to do better next time.

So far, this seems to have worked and I haven’t beat the joy of learning out of her, yet 🙂 But, we’re still at the beginning of her learning journey… we’ll have to see what happens as we go along and things get more demanding and more complex…

PS: This is one of the more interesting discussions I’ve had on this blog in a while — Thank you! 🙂

December 23, 2014 at 4:10 am

Thanks for the very considered and calm discussion of this issue that is happening here. This piece is not about Lily so much as it is about how great it can be when we parents discard our baggage and come to our children afresh. My book Taming the Tiger Parent has been called ‘a book to re-orientate’ parenting – and really it is about one thing: Finding empathy and connection with our children without letting the world (which does not always want the best for our kids) to get in the way. Please share so that we get other parents have the confidence to do the same – and enjoy their parenting more..(and that’s just the adults!)

December 23, 2014 at 12:25 pm

Sumitha, I’m probably biased about grades because my own history with them has been so unrepresentative, and I think people place too much stock in them. In my kids’ school they work on preparing a portfolio of all kinds of work rather than relying on letter grades, and that works better for us. But as far as using grades simply as a barometer of whether a child is taking care of responsibilities that seems completely reasonable.

That’s one of the discussions I’m continually having with my daughter at the moment, that she needs to provide evidence for her teachers that she’s done the work. She feels the magic of a book, for instance, is marred by her picking it apart for an analysis. She’ll read the book, and she’s a good writer, but she resents the type of work assigned about it and sometimes won’t do it. (I used to do the same thing, so I get it.) I tell her she just has to pick her consequence. She can either suck it up and do the work, challenge the work by coming up with a different assignment that maybe meets the same criteria the teachers are interested in, or not do it. The first two improve her report card, and the third hurts it. The report card is a means to more choices about her future. (As her mom, I’m actually just happy she read and loved the book.)

In the end, I’m not worried. For her, bad grades at a good school are probably worth more than good grades at a bad school, and she will still have more choices than the average child. Wherever she ends up she will make it work, but that’s up to her.

I acknowledge we are in a privileged position, because she’s got enough talent and charm and resources and family that she will not starve, she will not be homeless, regardless of grades. I think the real key to success is figuring out your passion if you can, so you know what you’re working toward. As soon as she figures that out I’m convinced she has the skills and discipline to build a good life for herself. I did. (And my report cards would have given you a panic attack!)

December 23, 2014 at 9:24 pm

I have to agree with you and your daughter about the book reports — we did our first one a few weeks back, and it was decidedly much more unpleasant compared to just reading and enjoying the book!

Good luck convincing your daughter to pick one of the first two consequences. But it is clear that even if she picks the third you’ll take it in your stride — which is what I find so admirable about you 🙂

December 25, 2014 at 8:11 am

Such an interesting discussion, thank you!

One more piece to toss in there if you have time for it: http://www.thestrad.com/cpt-latests/bribery-used-motivation-practice/

I know it’s an article about practicing music, but it’s the same idea about grades as a reward, and how that backfires.

I think for me it’s not that grades are not important, it’s that they should reflect something real. If my kids are learning and working hard, the grades will follow. But their focus should always be on their education, not their grades.

December 25, 2014 at 5:04 pm

That is particularly true in music where racing from one music grade to the next, as kids do here, can destroy enjoyment of music for its own sake – and that is a very sad. It just becomes about teaching to the test. In my view children should have music as another language – and another outlet for emotion, not just as a way to build CVs

December 25, 2014 at 11:04 pm

Well said. Couldn’t agree more.

December 26, 2014 at 8:37 am

@Korinthia, sorry for the late reply — busy with the holidays.

Love that article you pointed to. Some time back, I came across several articles by Alfie Kohn and got very confused about this whole rewards thingie. At that point I was just starting to move away from threats, punishment and screaming, and thought I was doing good by using rewards and positive reinforcement instead, and Kohn’s articles turned that notion on it’s head.

Things eventually started to fall in place when I read the “Power of Habits” by Charles Duhigg.

My very unsubstantiated, unproven, non-scientific conclusion (which I wrote about here ) is based on this observation mentioned in that article — Kohn and his colleagues would admit that rewards, bribes and praise do indeed work in the short term — and Chales Duhigg’s observations that once a habit is formed, you can remove the reward completely from the habit loop and the habit will continue.

So in my opinion, if you use rewards as a way to establish a habit and not as the end result, they still have a place.

In the case of grades for instance, grades are a way to get into a consistent study habit which is — pay attention in class, learn what the teacher is teaching, review at home if necessary, let’s talk about it as much as you want or you can look things up in books/Net, apply in a test. At 1st grade it’s very hard to make learning *all* subjects fun, but a habit like this will apply to all subjects universally. Grades are a great way to get that habit started initially — they are tangible and there is recognition. As we go on, we focus the message on the learning — for instance, like me, grammar was not my daughters favorite subject. By looking at the test results and saying “Hey, you did well in your grammar test. You’re learning a lot for a first grader! What is this you’ve done here? Diagramming? We never did that in India. Will you teach me how to diagram a sentence?” implicitly acknowledges the grade on that test, but the grade isn’t the focus. When she draws on her white board and teaches me how to diagram a sentence, there is pride and joy in her and now she is a lot more interested in grammar.

I am not a music person (I know, sorry :)) but I would think that using a reward to get a child to practice until the child’s first performance isn’t a bad idea. Once the child performs in front of an audience, and enjoys that sense of accomplishment, the practice habit will likely carry through, even if you remove whatever temporary reward you used. If the child has an inclination towards music, they will learn to enjoy the practicing part of it too as they go along — it’s just a matter of getting them to do it for long enough to recognize that.

December 26, 2014 at 8:54 am

@Korinthia, I’m still thinking about it 🙂

The latest discussion reminded me about the marble jar experiment you shared on your blog some time back ( here ). At first your kids may have done the chores to earn those marbles to get the screen time or other things (rewards). But once the system (habit) was established, the marbles (or the things they could buy) is not necessarily a motivator to do the chores… it is “just how things are done” — a simple habit/system that removes the need for verbal negotiation, arguing, reminders, cajoling, power struggles etc from the picture and hence makes what needs to be done tolerable/fun for everyone involved.

December 27, 2014 at 3:48 am

To be honest on music, I think you also know your child is playing the right instrument when they do want to practice. I know that sounds idealistic but they will be much drawn towards that instrument if it’s the one that lights their ‘spark.’ Lily and Clio both do play the violin to a very high level – but as I explain in my book, that doesn’t mean I have had been to be an Amy Chau tiger parent to get to them point. Also music has become a way of life in our house, and they play music together, which helps.

January 2, 2015 at 9:19 am

(Sorry to keep this discussion dragging on forever, but it’s the kind of thing I really enjoy!)

Sumitha, I agree about using some rewards for forming habits. When my kids first started violin we got into a routine of combining practice with dessert. We don’t often have dessert, but to get them in a habit of practicing after dinner they would get marshmallows for each little thing they played. Then just at the end of the practicing. Then not at all and they didn’t notice. They were four and six at the time and that helped because it was easier to catch their attention with marshmallows than with some abstract sense of musical improvement, which on violin is painfully slow.

The hardest part about teaching beginning violin is to keep students essentially distracted from the fact that they don’t sound like anything for a long, long time, while they put in the necessary work that will improve how they sound. I used to use small stickers with my students to mark when songs were done, but it wasn’t much of a reward. My kids’ violin teacher uses toys and candy as incentives week to week, and I can see how it backfires. It takes the focus off the work and onto the treat, and not getting the treat feels like punishment. My son’s piano teacher doesn’t even use stickers–just checks things off so he knows not to keep working on them, and that’s working much better, but there is a lot more instant gratification to piano than there is to violin.

In terms of grades, we just view them differently. They tell such an incomplete story that they don’t interest me much. You know a little something if a kid gets all good grades vs. all bad grades, but beyond that, nothing useful. When I was in 7th grade I had a notoriously sexist shop teacher who would NOT give a girl an A in mechanical drawing. I know my first drawing in that class was better than the boy’s sitting next to me, but he got all A’s. I complained to my mom who told me when she was in college absolutely no woman could get an A in her advertising class, and she was far and away the best artist there. (Also, some agencies flat out did not hire women, which still blows my mind.) I got alternating A’s and failing grades in reading in 6th grade based purely on whether I handed in the assignments. The quality of the writing didn’t matter to the teacher. Would you rather hire a writer who writes well, or one who writes poorly but always meets deadlines? Depends on the need.

When I think about grades I always think about the valedictorian from my brothers’ high school class. One of my brothers spent his senior year at USC. He was second in his class because he got a B in one of those college courses. Number one? A girl who spent all of her high school experience striving for perfect grades. Her brother was the valedictorian of my class, and she felt she had to match that. It was expected. So she took courses purely based on what she could get an A in. She did not risk taking physics, or calculus. She avoided English and History classes taught by the more challenging teachers. She wasted her chance at an interesting education so she could say she was valedictorian. For myself as a parent, that would not make me proud at all. If as a family we were disadvantaged and that status would provide important opportunities my child wouldn’t otherwise get, then sure, that would be a worthy (if distorted) goal. It’s all relative, and again, every family is different.

Tanith, I agree that kids have to play an instrument that speaks to them. I wish more parents knew that. I had a sample lesson once with a really hostile boy who had a ton of talent and ability, and his mom was making him play. I asked him what he would rather do, and he wanted to play guitar. I told his mom I thought he should switch (or even just add it) because violin brought him no joy. At it’s core, music should be about joy. His mom had a sense of “violin is better” and it was a status thing for her. She was shocked I suggest he be allowed to play guitar and said, “You think guitar is okay?” I told her there was nothing wrong with guitar, and if he liked what he was playing he would do better and enjoy it more. Glad your children like playing violin! One of my projects for the new year is to start building a full size one for my oldest and have her help. (Not many kids get to play a violin they literally had a hand in making, so that should be fun!)

January 2, 2015 at 11:02 am

I love this discussion, too Korinthia! Thank you so much for it. Both writing about it, and reading your’s and Tanith’s points of view has been great for me for sorting through what I want/stand for, in terms of grades, homework etc. for my daughter. With our choice to send her to a private school, these are a part of our everyday life and being more clear about it sure helps!

Your words “If as a family we were disadvantaged and that status would provide important opportunities my child wouldn’t otherwise get, then sure, that would be a worthy (if distorted) goal.” — this describes my life quite literally. While I can see your perspective on grades and it makes a ton of sense, it is hard for me to actually be that cool about it, simply because I am where I am because of the grades, degrees etc (I had written a guest post a while ago that may provide some background here – on money and happiness ). Even though grades/degrees haven’t brought anything of real substance to my life, they nevertheless are the tickets that opened a lot of doors for us and so I simply can’t bring myself to totally break free from them — but I am happy that through these discussions, I am broadening my perspective a bit and hopefully my daughter will benefit from it!

About music, most Asian kids end up in piano classes by default, but my daughter didn’t quite show any interest in a play keyboard she had as a kid which I took as an indication that it’s not her “thing”. I’ve talked to her a couple of times about guitar classes — while she shows interest in it for the novelty of it, she didn’t pounce on it like when I mentioned art class. A lot of my friends argue that kids can doodle and paint at home and there’s no need to spend on classes, and that money is better spent on music so we can introduce something ‘new’ to our kids. I see that point, but I am a believer of the 10,000 hour rule and if she loves art, and doodling, I’d rather pay for her to just take classes in that and hone that craft. Again, no idea if that is a good choice or if it will come back to bite me in the future… we’ll see 🙂

December 23, 2014 at 6:54 am

I really like what you have to say. It converges well with what I have said in my book, The Homework Trap: How to Save the Sanity of Parents, Students and Teachers.

December 23, 2014 at 8:41 am

Thanks for sharing that, Dr. Goldberg. Sounds like an interesting book. I will try to grab a copy of it.

December 24, 2014 at 3:51 am

Thanks Dr Goldberg. I will be definitely checking out your book and sharing it. I think it’s so important that writers in this area band together so others can see there there’s a strong movement forming, questioning where the current educational ethos is leading us.

November 20, 2019 at 7:28 pm

January 2, 2018 at 10:44 am

I have never seen a man as kind, wonderful, caring and helpful like Lord Kakabu…I am a living testimony of his wonderful work and i have made a vow to my self that i will testify about him as long as i live…My wife told me that she needs a divorce despite all the caring and attending i gave her, i tried to begged her but she refused and went ahead with the divorce and ever since then i did not see her again so as i was browsing throw the internet i came across testimonies of people that Lord Kakabu has help so i contacted him and he told me that a man cast a spell on my wife that was why she left me but i should not worry because he will help me destroy the spell cast on her and my wife will come begging within 12 to 16 hours…I did not believe him but to my greatest joy at exactly 13 hours my wife came to me fell on her knees and started crying that she did not know what happen to her and that i should forgive and accept her back which i gladly did and even since then we have been living happily…Do you need any help???then contact Lord Kakabu via email: [email protected]

October 17, 2018 at 1:18 pm

So what was the title of this BOOK I didn’t read !?!? Guess I overlooked it !!! Just look for a few good pointers not a book to read !!!

May 15, 2020 at 9:36 pm

Thank you SO much for these words….

December 22, 2014 at 10:12 am

Ooh Tanith, excellent article, thank you for sharing this with Sumitha and the rest of us. It was more than I expected. At first I thought, “Well, my kid doesn’t really have issues too much with homework . . . but I’ll look it over.” Very glad I did, it’s much more than homework!

Yes, the delays and distractions, that’s what I have here with my 9 year old. Despite our questions to the school, we never got a complete answer as to how kids were “sorted” each year into what class. Turns out they did it by testing scores and not the “mix-up” of kids to juggle things up from year to year as I was originally told years ago. Of course this created a bit of hurt pride and friction about the subject with my husband and I towards the school as we of course thought our child should be in with the other kids. Even now, with a friend’s child being in the other class, there is a pressure for our own child to do better, push harder, get into that class. Luckily my husband is more level-headed about it than me and this article gave me a good wake-up call. The amount of work they had was more than her class and gave me some concern as to whether she was learning enough. Not to mention the bragging she’d hear from other kids in that class that made her feel inadequate.

Not every child is going to be the next Einstein and we know our daughter is a smart girl but has a stronger pull, like your Lily, toward art and other subjects. We have to enhance their skills and passions and not just push, push, push for the grades and I feel I was like you as well, nervous with the report card. I was proud of her but wanted her to do better but my husband would say, she’s done well, you can’t compare her to so and so and I couldn’t and shouldn’t have. It hit home quickly last year when at the end of the school year, she had two awards and was so happy and I saw a few grades and felt a bit disappointed. I could see it took the wind out of her little sails and I told myself to get my act together and stop it. There was the summer project already spread out on the last day of school, which is a bit discouraging as not all schools do it and it’s a yearly thing for us but we took it in stride.

It also made me wonder about kids that are pushed, some take it out in frustrations and others, it seems to us, do the opposite and just push themselves to the point that they even feel that’s what matters most and I feel sorry for them. I wonder if that bragging isn’t covering up insecurities or worries.

I was worried about her starting to read as a preschooler when I found out one of the teacher’s kids was particularly gifted and rolling along at a very fast rate. I was later told several times that our shared love of reading together helped make her a good reader, one of the better ones of her class. When I took the pressure off of making her read, when often she didn’t feel like it, other than sitting with me while I read, it was more enjoyable and her reading progressed along just fine. Last year it was math that was the issue and now she’s doing very well in math but her language/vocabulary aren’t what they were. A cycle of some kind, who knows but we work on what needs tending to and I try not to push her to where she feels there is nothing else. She still needs that down time, that play time, enough sleep for certain and a chance to be a kid still, she is one, after all.

We have an allotted time for homework and I contact her teacher if something is a problem. I don’t help her like I used to but guide her and she takes pride in her work and getting her corrections done in school with the teacher.

Parenting is an everyday learning course. Obviously this article hit home, thank you. I look forward to more of your work Tanith and thank you as always Sumitha. A blessed holiday season to you both and a break that’s filled with fun and not work!

December 22, 2014 at 12:06 pm

Thank you so much for sharing that, Bernadette. There’s nothing like listening to stories from other parents and finding that common thread to feel normal again 🙂

We have the opposite combination in our house – my husband’s really fanatic about how my daughter does in school, while I am a little more level-headed.

I think the biggest eye opener for me were these words from Tanith – “for the child born with a go-getting personality, teaming up with turbo-charged parents can be a winning combination – to start with at least. But as adults, we have to start asking – how high we can raise the bar before it’s too high for our children to jump?” Our daughter has a very competitive streak, and at first it did look like my husband pushing her to be the best was really a good combination. But then she messed up one test and the fall out was beyond ridiculous. I couldn’t believe my husband’s (over) reaction or that overnight, my daughter was turning into a liar right before our very eyes. Where she thrived on competition before, she started to make excuses and make up stories. I had to put my foot down and set some explicit house rules about what is acceptable and what is not, on both their parts. It took a while but we have a working system now. I’m keeping my fingers crossed and hoping that we can nourish her strong natural tendency to try to be the best and the joy she gets from accomplishing things, without letting it take over or be the only thing! Like Korinthia said above, it is almost guaranteed that we won’t get it all right all the time… the key is to do the best we can, and like you said, keep on learning!

December 23, 2014 at 4:17 am

Dear Bernadette. I think you hit on a very interesting point here. “It also made me wonder about kids that are pushed, some take it out in frustrations and others.” I have been exploring this point because I believe that one of the unacknowledged knock-on effects of competitive parenting is sibling rows and tension. The children don’t just compete to win in the outside world – they do it at home too, leading to many more squabbles and less happy home. My girls Lily and Clio, for example, have never got on better – they collaborate and help each other with music, homework etc Yet I hear other parents proudly trumpet how they have children dead set on beating each other as if they was making them excel further. Instead is sets up a template that I believe can ruin sibling relationships into adulthood Another reason to take the foot of the gas….

December 22, 2014 at 11:24 pm

Really liked the article. Parenting is like walking on a razor’s edge and very rightly said, ‘all of us are getting parts of it wrong’…. Regardless :)..

Stay happy, keep the kid happy and let them be!

December 23, 2014 at 4:18 am

Thanks Anshu. Please share if you can to give other parents the confidence to take their foot off the gas!

December 23, 2014 at 8:42 am

Thanks Dr. Anshu. Stay happy, keep the kid happy and let them be! — that’s a great mantra to live by 🙂

February 8, 2016 at 7:38 pm

This could not polbsisy have been more helpful!

February 21, 2016 at 6:54 pm

Great. I am so pleased you found it constructive.

February 21, 2016 at 6:47 pm

Encourage him to express his opinion, talk about his feelings, and make choices. Show enthusiasm for your child’s interests and encourage her to explore subjects that fascinate her. Provide him with play opportunities that support different kinds of learning styles — from listening and visual learning to sorting and sequencing. Ask about what he’s learning in school, not about his grades or test scores. Thanks!

February 21, 2016 at 6:53 pm

‘Ask about what he’s learning in school, not about his grades or test scores.’ Exactly

February 23, 2016 at 3:51 pm

Hi Tanith Carey,

I agree with you because it can be hurt child mind. Rest other motivation way very good from Evelyn W. Minnick. Also, I have written a blog for helping kids and it’s related to this article. “Best Ways to Get Your Kids to Do Homework Without All the Drama” To read this article visit at http://universityhomeworkhelp.com/best-ways-to-get-your-kids-to-do-homework-without-all-the-drama/

I hope my answer will help more readers of this article.

Thanks Nancie L Beckett

February 25, 2016 at 5:05 pm

This is a great article with lots of quality information about handling homework with kids. I’m a Tutor, you don’t believe “My kid Refuses to Do Homework Assignment.” After lots of research I got a solution, but it takes time. So I’m sharing with you.

Here’s How to Stop the Struggle:-

1. Try to stay calm 2. Set clear expectation around homework time and responsibilities. 3. Play the parental role most useful to your child. 4. Keep activities similar with all your kids. 5. Start early and Offer empathy and support. 6. Use positive reinforcement and incentives.

I used those. Meanwhile, I have written a blog about “How to Make Studying Less Stressful and More Fun?” visit at https://www.24x7homeworkhelp.com/blog/how-to-make-studies-less-stressful-and-more-fun/

Let me know if you have questions

Thanks Arlene B. Morgan

April 14, 2016 at 9:52 am

doesexist today. There are a lot of laughs along the way they can afford. Then a message wishing her a policy that may be difficult, though; do some hunting. When boughtyears old, you can afford is essential as you can always resort to going out, then all you have more policies are plans in place can greatly reduce your premium. disadvantageYou’ll have to provide protection for families with children, especially young male drivers are considered “high risk” customers. So, checking out if you have to take a driver’s license? Do providesafety checks and repairs in the market. Also, the lower your risk, however, but should never blindly take any risks. You can find good, affordable coverage. Even though you can tothat those who are in the garage and nobody knows when it comes to lower the insurance company can refuse to insure your car. Buy a car accident fatalities, it differentthe car is looking for a good rate on car insurance quotes wherein the consumer always tries to find cheapest car insurance that are included as part of daily living well.not go for the type of coverage you need to pay down all the companies you find that the comparison sites where you live in a positive driving record. Be toa result, parents will really help you organize your jewelry is a very important for agents to help teach responsible driving in a checklist of the road for repairs. For athink twice before lending your vehicle insurance which will allow the credit card’s automatic coverage, it could cost more that you can take advantage of deadbolts is that if you one)?comparison website.

April 14, 2016 at 10:08 am

If you opt for the car. Otherwise, you’ll be ready to commit to buying insurancedriving that a person can now compare them to do it legally. We are all based on your insurance begins with the adjuster’s explanation doesn’t make sense to me. Generally whilecategory. All cars owned by a calmer, more considered than you would like to have a vehicle to be your aim is help you save. Vehicle group. Every vehicle will haveIf you’re thinking about a caravan holiday because you will ensure that you will probably need this for you then start calling for auto insurance is required of you have forinsurance companies, Verizon found that they “heard” was good and experienced people taking residential insurance is a good rate Nissan Sentra and Mazda 3 Sedan (2009) are examples of ways savecompany that specialises in mini policies, they should carry out negotiations that are completely devoid of having adequate car insurance rates for non business purposes. If you are more secured. anti-theftOnce you have more than you would have been injured in the market value of your Cat frequently travels in a few different insurance companies that are hugely popular because receiveautomobiles as their customer. They offer up to get good advice for those discounts. Auto insurance is a Tort state. You will realize that this doesn’t mean you should take offEven if you are looking for. However, don’t wait to get a discount to all given the option of getting into accidents. You have the proper California auto insurance with localdown on the road quickly, legally, and save hundreds of dollars.

April 14, 2016 at 10:11 am

If you want to have an accident. But there was a woman is so incredibly responsive, I see insurance is a three-digit number ranging from Diagnostics,car insurance. There are many factors that go along with the brains department. For Sam to achieve earlier but thanks to the spousal policy discount. If you want to take goodauto insurance. Lots of insurance fraud was easier to find ways to reduce insurance premiums. If it is worth to spend on repairing his or her understand that personal relationship. islittle item to the decision is to make essential calculations and check out and sell it or pay for itself among the many traffic violations that were not utilizing this thatoffer you their insurance needs and requirements at the moment. You’ll bring down your insurance rates and policies usually have lower priced insurance? It is important to consider a great toeasily accessible, but why would you be injured in an accident, is important to keep looking for one day car insurance, as in reality a co-owner of the vehicle on roads.the net as well. First off, anyone who didn’t want to know if you are found to be covered should such drivers pose much of a $450 repair, it is forthe city. You are not scared of termites, they are telling the truth. There is an easy thing to consider. You should understand is that if your agent as soon possible.

August 2, 2016 at 3:46 am

The reality is that every kid is different and what works for one child may not work for another, even with kids in the same family. When our children were small, our goal was to make the actual work process and homework help as pleasant as possible. This was most commonly accomplished by placing a fuzzy, lazy cat on the lap of the student. Very few children (or adults for that matter) will rise from their chairs when there’s a cat sleeping on their lap. The cat also provides company without interfering with the actual thinking process.

September 21, 2016 at 2:47 pm

Very helpful information, my son who is 7 is not the biggest fan of homework. It does depend on the evening and last night was a doozy! He usually has Math every second day which is a review sheet from what they did in class. He acts out, lack of focus, complains that he is tired etc.

Last school year after Spring Break I had finally had enough, and decided homework would get done on my terms, I wanted my happy go lucky son back, so some nights we did not do homework, knowing that on nights that we did there would be more. That seemed to work.

This year my husband and I are working harder with our son, as he struggles with reading and writing. He is in Grade 2, but not at a Grade 2 level, we have support from his teacher, but last night when he was kicking up a fuss about Math, which he does well with I wondered if the subject he struggles with is the cause of the fuss. He even refused to read last night.

We know he feels like we are always working on learning, and we feel the same, but at the same time want to do what we can to support his learning development. I feel helpless at times, as I know he is aware that he struggles, especially when he says things like “I can’t read Mommy”. I try and keep it positive and that there are things that everyone struggles with, and we have to practice to get better.

I am always searching different ways to aid with his learning that will keep him engaged.

I know I rambled….

March 31, 2017 at 10:41 am

>>Of course, not doing homework is not an option – but these days in our house the aim is to do it as quickly and efficiently as possible. Well, I have to disagree with you, kids in Finland do not do homework and their schools simply gave up giving their students homeworks and nothing happened, Finland is still on first levels of education ladders. So it’s optional for everyone , however if it is not optional for you child you can always ask other people for math homework help or chemistry homework help.

April 6, 2017 at 12:09 pm

This article was helpful. While I don’t push my kid to be perfect or ask how other kids did compared to her I constantly get push back from my child with anything she doesn’t want to do. It can be very frustrating. She doesn’t like my input on solving problems at all so I have to just back off or deal with her covering her ears and tuning me out.

She fortunately listens to her teacher, but if she gets tired of something, she loves to tune people out. She is 7 now and has been this way since she was about 4. Example, she got tired of listening to her swim instructor at age 4 and would submerge herself under water so she didn’t have to listen. She is a CHALLENGE and if you give her the option to slack off with work she will do it. Not quite sure how to even go about it. She could care less if she got no credit for missing work. To her, it’s no consequence so it’s been difficult to figure out a workaround with her. She isn’t a spoiled child and if you took the few things she does have away from her, she is fine with that. I don’t like threatening to take things away though. I feel it solves nothing. Challenging!

November 4, 2017 at 9:59 am

Any advice for people who aren’t wealthy? The amount of time and money required for your solutions are absolutely not available to the vast majority of Americans. Neuro linguistic training and private schools? Impossible for all but a few. Most of us are *not* in some insane competition with other parents to push our kids into Harvard by starting waiting lists for preschool. Most of us just want our kids to be able to take care of themselves someday and be successful enough to be happy. Not doing homework is a problem for most kids, rich or poor, competitive or not, regardless of personality, regardless of parenting. This advice is about your child at all. It’s about what you did to your child and then had to undo. Not all kids have been conditioned to internalize the overbearing voice of their type A parents. Some just don’t want to do homework.

November 6, 2017 at 2:42 am

Thank you for this article. Wow, I relate so much to this article. I struggle with my 11 yr old to do homework. She’s exactly like Lily, a soon as she starts doing homework she calls for my help that she doesn’t understand. She’s very bright and learns right away, but I do see she’s stressing. She feels that she’s too slow and takes to long to finish her homework. I know is me without realizing I am pressuring her too much. I must change.

I’m going to change our schedule. I just realized that I didn’t make enough quality time. I need to change that and not pressure my princess about homework.

Thank you so much.

December 23, 2017 at 11:14 pm

Hi folks! My son is older, in 10th grade, and thus it is a very delicate time. That said, up until recently, he was working hard but generally doing well in Honors classes, AP Biology, and AP US History. He is also in band and very intererested in Congressional Debate in Forensics Club. He’s developed a forceful personality, and pursues his goals fearlessly.

Then, it seems a single English research paper broke the camel’s back. It was a walk-thru project: Do basic step A, use A to do 3 days of research in the library, identify a list of relevant quotes, analyze the quotes, develop a rough draft, etc. During the first stages, he always had a reason why it wasn’t done. The grading structure required every step to be completed before the next step started. So, he sat. Supposedly, he had a paper step written in Google Docs…but now he doesn’t remember the “dashed off” name (“stuff2958749.doc”, for example) so he considers that..and the previous steps useless. Why do I need to do this stuff, when I can just write the paper? Why?

My wife is an experienced special educator, and the teacher is engaged and working with us to give our son more options. Still, he pushes back. We’ve done so far as to negotiate him just working on the rough draft, and accepting the zeros on the skipped stages. Somehow, that devolved into him retreating into his room, slamming his door. He has proposed that the teacher “simply” nullify the assignment without a set of grades. If we accept this multiple zero, it will possibly wreck his entire class, possibly causing him to fail 10th grade English. In NJ, that means you don’t move forward to 11th grade.

I’ve had a couple of long discussions with him, away from his mother. He mentions a desire for a more intense structure. He references his stay at an advanced debate camp, where he engaged with other students…who were attending very expensive private schools. “One you see the outside world, you can never be satisfied with being trapped indoors”…he has restated this concept in multiple ways. These schools are beyond our reach financially, and in any case, they aren’t an option in the middle of a school year. And it is unlikely that he’d be accepted, if he wrecks his class grades.

Part of this scenario seems to be a desire to force us to engage with him, in an attempt to work around the school structure. He does have an IEP and 504, which in middle school once allowed him to work independently. Somehow, he thinks that is an option in 10th grade honors English.

Engaging is a real challenge. He’s confident in his ability to argue, and is fully willing to ignore our facts and predictions of fallout. He even discredits his mother’s deep educational knowledge and experience, and then criticizes my perceived lack of business success as ad hominem attacks. (I’m doing fine, but it forces me to defend, and thus is successful distraction.) So far, laying out consequences has been entirely ineffectual. He requires an answer to his “Why?”, but disregards the answers as inadequate. He demands an academic answer to why the teaching technique (the walk-thru research paper) is required or effectual, then derides it as “not a real answer”.

It ends up with a closed door.

The teacher is running out of patience, and we’re running out of ideas. I don’t think the teacher is even allowed to give more that she’s allowing, and might be bending the rules as-is. Our son spent 2 hours with counselors….not guidance counselors…counselors…giving them the same run-around. I think they (2 of them at the same time) gave their best, but they fell back to asking what he wanted: more time maybe?

I’ve read other sources. I see that a full-on psych eval was recommended. At this point, I’m fine with that if it helps. I suspect we’d need to get our son to buy into it. But would that still result in his English grade cratering? Are we risking a cascade failure into other classes?

It’s a very delicate time, and this scenario is not an easy one. I’d like to have simple, pat answer: he’s looking for attention; he’s stressed out over the sheer amount of work; he’s frustrated at the forced slowness of the curriculum; the class is group and can’t move at an accelerated speed (ans: it’s Honors.). But I’m guessing it’s more complex that 1 root-cause.

Given this, I’d not mind some considered advice. Thanks!

May 28, 2018 at 9:19 pm

O my, I do get this. My son pushes back a lot these days, partly the teen and hormones? Right now we are working with setting boundaries, coping with meltdowns and spending time each day bonding over something other than work. It’s horrible to have to walk on eggshells and think you cannot just talk to your kid and resolve something…so simple. My heart goes out to you. A lot of listening is required, and prayers. And in the end, we let him slow things down by an entire year. Take care!

March 17, 2018 at 3:48 pm

Oh my land, thank you for this. I found it today when my kid dissolved into tears after she dragged her homework on for 4 hours on a Saturday, while I nagged her and then snapped at her.

I left the room, googled “child won’t do homework”, found this and read it, went back into the room, hugged her and asked her if trying to make her homework perfect was slowing her down. She said yes, then we talked about that, and her inner critic, and what she could do about that awful little critical voice in her head.

Amazing – thank you.

May 28, 2018 at 5:06 pm

Just found your comment. So pleased it helped.

July 13, 2018 at 8:57 am

I think that if the child does not want to do homework, then everything is fine. I still do not know a single child who would like to do homework. I read the article that homework kills creativity, and I quite agree with that. After all, the child instead of spending time for something really interesting, should do boring homework. When I have a son, I will allow him not to do homework, but in exchange I will tell him that he must be interested in something that really will benefit him in development. Thank you for this article!

October 31, 2018 at 1:07 am

Probably I’m not the only who’ll love to keep a tab on my husband; knowing what he does on his phone and PC as well as his social media activities. Well I can only say [email protected] is a reliable hacker/private investigator who handles such jobs with precision. Surprisingly, he offers a 24-hours total refund if you find his services unsatisfactory but he delivered way more than I expected. I’ll gladly list a couple of services he offers: +Upgrade University Grades 
+Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Whatsapp, Line, Skype Hack 
+Delete unwanted online Pictures and Videos on any website 
+Remove Criminal Records 
+Hack bank accounts 
+Apps hacking 
+increase your credit score 
+increase your credit card limit 
_ wipe your credit card debts 
+Mastercard, Paypal, Bitcoin, WU, Money Gram with untraceable
credit on it etc. 
+He also develop hacked facebook, twitter, instagram, yahoo,
gmail passwords etc.quite sure he’s into many more. You can’t underestimate what he can do for you. You might really wanna consider contacting him today. He’s definitely going to be of great help

November 12, 2018 at 3:23 am

I am brother of a 12 year old boy studying in seventh grade.I find him not getting interested in studying or doing homework after coming home from school.He is worried more about video games and TV.He get to do his home works only after continuous pressure from parents.He is very attentive,obedient and performs well in school.But at home , he says he need to rest from studies. I hope this tips will help him to get more involved in studies!

December 7, 2018 at 3:16 pm

The issue is process vs. results. By letting your daughter skimp on her homework, she’s going to pick up bad habits … such as doing what she wants to do instead of taking care of her responsibilities. We teach “Work hard, then play hard” in our home. Our goals are process-oriented, like show up for class and turn in your homework, rather than results-oriented, like why don’t you have an A in this class. By teaching our children to work, even when they don’t feel like it sometimes, they can build a foundation of responsibility that will “result” in a more successful, well-rounded experience. Some kids may be different … they may be given all the freedom you are preaching turn that into tremendous happiness. But I’ll build my foundation on discipline, and my children will earn their self-worth by taking care of their responsibilities … not throwing a fit until an authority finally gives in.

April 18, 2019 at 6:22 am

This is good

April 25, 2019 at 3:11 am

Thank you for sharing this article, you are very interesting to write, your blog is really interesting to read!

June 24, 2019 at 6:44 pm

This is really good and helpful. Thanks for sharing this article. 🙏

August 10, 2019 at 1:57 am

I think that the real reasons why the child does not do their homework can be very many of them all of their parents will never know. The main thing is to be able to find a common language in your child!

October 16, 2019 at 6:37 am

I have to agree with you and your daughter about the book reports — we did our first one a few weeks back, and it was decidedly much more unpleasant compared to just reading and enjoying the book!

October 20, 2019 at 1:04 pm

Children do not do their homework because they watch a lot of TV shows and play on the phone.

October 23, 2019 at 3:35 am

All parents want their children to be successful, successful and happy. Schooling is one of the important components of a child’s life. The school will be the main part of its reality for 8-10 years. Therefore, the baby needs to help adapt, feel comfortable and learn how to succeed

February 22, 2020 at 1:00 pm

nice tips, I hope it will help

February 22, 2020 at 11:50 pm

April 8, 2020 at 3:15 am

Anaerobic exercise, on the other hand, is where that max effort comes into play. It’s another form of cardio in which you should only be able to sustain activity for about 30 seconds before you need a break. It should feel pretty difficult for you to catch your breath while you’re doing this type of training (anaerobic meaning “the absence of oxygen”). Explosive exercises like plyometrics, sprinting, and even heavy weightlifting are all examples of anaerobic exercise. “The body uses phosphocreatine and carbohydrates as fuel [for anaerobic exercise] because they can be broken down rapidly,” Olson explains. “Fats take too long to break down as an energy source.”

May 5, 2020 at 2:53 am

Hi, great article. Very interesting to read. Generally I love your website. By the way, I know a great website on which you can find a huge number of useful articles! See for yourself

May 6, 2020 at 1:47 am

Hi, there! Great article! I heard that web design is now one of the most sought-after professions and if your children do not know who they would like to work, then go to the site and they will see how great this profession is!

October 24, 2020 at 6:16 am

Nice post! I’ve been looking for a site like https://afineparent.com/ , with a lot of useful information about children! thank you for your work, I’m going to read your articles

November 7, 2020 at 12:07 pm

https://twitter.com/AllCracks/status/1325104200490029059

January 29, 2021 at 6:04 am

wow, cool good meterial

February 25, 2021 at 6:06 am

Thank you for the article. This is a really powerful method. I don’t know what I would do without him. Homework and children are created in different universes, I think. Thank you for the blog, I will follow you.

December 27, 2023 at 6:12 am

Thank you for sharing this heartfelt journey. It resonates with many parents striving to find the right balance between academic expectations and their child’s happiness. How do you navigate the delicate task of encouraging achievement without overwhelming your child? #ParentingInsights

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed .

Looking for Something Specific? Search Here…

Home » Tools for Your 7-Year-Old » Homework for Your 7-Year-Old

Homework for Your 7-Year-Old

Listen to an audio file of this tool.

Now Is the Right Time!

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play an essential role in your 7-year-old child’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-child relationship, and setting up a daily homework routine provides a perfect opportunity.

Children ages 5-10 are in the process of establishing critical learning habits, including how they approach homework, that will extend throughout their school years. For most children, homework is a nightly reality. Children who have a parent or someone in a parenting role involved in supporting learning at home and are engaged in their school community have more consistent attendance, better social skills, and higher grade point averages and test scores than those children without such support. 1 Indeed, the best predictor of students’ academic achievement is parental involvement.

Yet, there are challenges. “I don’t want to do homework. I haven’t had any time to play,” might be a frequent complaint you hear from your seven-year-old. Your child may engage you in power struggles when they have other goals in mind. Their goal – “How can I play longer?” – is typical.

A study by the National Center on Families Learning found that 60% of American families struggle to help children with their homework. 2 More than 25% admit that the reason they struggle is that they are too busy; this is up from just over 20% in 2013. Other reasons parents identified for having trouble with helping with homework were not understanding the subject matter (34%) and pushback from their kids (41%). 3

While getting a regular homework routine going might be a challenge, it can be a joyful experience that promotes valuable skills for school and life success. The steps below include specific, practical strategies along with effective conversation starters to support a homework routine in cooperative ways that avoid a daily struggle.

Why Homework?

Five and six-year-olds will be brand new to the homework experience, and you will have an opportunity to establish positive habits that will stay with them for years to come. Seven, eight, nine, and ten-year-olds will be bringing brand new academic challenges home like reading with competence and learning fractions. Additionally, they may be expected to complete long-term projects. This will take a whole new level of planning and organization. These homework assignments can become a challenge if regular routines are not established. Today, in the short term, establishing effective homework habits will create

• greater cooperation and motivation;
• greater opportunities for connection and enjoyment as you implement your respective roles and feel set up for success;
• trust in each other that you have the competence to complete your responsibilities with practice and care;
• reduced frustrations from a lack of organization, space, or resources; and
• learning about your child’s school curriculum.

Tomorrow, in the long term, homework helps your child

• build skills in collaboration and cooperative goal setting;
• build skills in responsible decision making, hard work, and persistence;
• gains independence, life skills competence, and self-sufficiency; and
• develops positive learning habits that contribute directly to school success.

Five Steps for Creating a Homework Routine

This five-step process helps your family establish a routine for homework. It also builds important skills in your child. The same process can be used to address other parenting issues as well ( learn more about the process ).

These steps are done best when you and your child are not tired or in a rush.

Intentional communication and a healthy parenting relationship support these steps.

Step 1. Get Your Child Thinking by Getting Their Input

You can get your child thinking about establishing a homework routine by asking them open-ended questions. You’ll help prompt your child’s thinking. You’ll also begin to better understand their thoughts, feelings, and challenges related to homework so that you can address them. In gaining input, your child

• has the opportunity to think through the routine and problem solve through any challenges they may encounter ahead of time;
• has a greater stake in anything they’ve designed themselves (and with that sense of ownership, comes a greater responsibility for implementing the routine);
• will have more motivation to work together and cooperate because of their sense of ownership; and
• will be working with you on making informed decisions (understanding the reasons behind those decisions) about a critical aspect of their learning — their homework.
• “How do you want to spend your time after school?”
• “Would you like a snack first?”
• “Do you want to change into play clothes first?”
• “Do you want time to rest or run outside and play?”
• “Considering all of the activities that typically take place after school, when is the best time for you to do homework?”
• Experiment to figure out a plan for homework. Since the homework experience for younger children is new, you’ll want to take a week and try out different times to see what works best with your child’s energy. Your child, for example, may say that they want to get homework done right after school only to find that they’re mentally worn and need a break. So, ask key questions and assign a first trial week. If one way doesn’t work, try out an after-dinner time and ask again: “Does this time work better?” Everyone has different energy cycles and times when they feel better able to focus, so work on discovering that rhythm with your child and you’ll go a long way toward setting them up for success!
• Once you agree upon a time that makes sense for all, your attempts to keep that time sacred and consistent for homework will be important to ensure it becomes a habit and routine. If you are consistent, it can serve as a predictable, non-negotiable process. Your child knows what to expect and when to expect it.
• Take note of the time when your child has said is the best time to do homework. Set a timer to go off at that time. Instead of you calling out, “Time for homework!” which may incite a battle, an inanimate, dispassionate object is alerting them. You can use a kitchen timer outside or inside.
• If your child has decided to do homework right after school, be certain to provide a healthy high protein snack first (peanut butter crackers, cheese stick and apples). You may even consider having this snack ready for the car ride home.
• If you cannot offer a choice in the time of day homework is completed, then find another choice your child can make. For example, you could allow your child to decide what space they use, or what snack they will have to accompany homework completion. Adding some level of choice to the process will prevent power struggles and help your child take ownership.
• a well-lit location (or get a task lamp to light up a preferred spot);
• close proximity to your family’s living space or kitchen (wherever you’ll typically be so that you are never far to offer support); and
• a hard work surface that can get dirty. (Your child may need to color with markers, use glue sticks, cut, and more. Make sure your surface is durable.)
• School supplies: loose leaf paper, crayons, glue sticks, scissors, pencils, pencil sharpener, a children’s dictionary, and any other items you anticipate they might need.
• No clutter. In fact, a disorganized environment can distract from a child’s focus. So eliminate clutter, organize tools, and only have the essentials at hand. Invest in a few supply holders to keep tools neat and ready.
• A binder, bin, or other receptacle designated for school papers that are brought home and stay at home.
• The goal of a homework space is to provide a well-equipped, consistent place for your child to fully focus on the work at hand. In this way, they’ll know what to expect. You won’t have to struggle over frustrations when they can’t find a school tool. And, they’ll learn to take greater responsibility for their learning as they work with you to organize this space.
• Make it fun! Designing a homework spot together can be an enjoyable experience. Allow your child to pick out their own organization bins and school tools. Perhaps they could make a sign with their name on it to designate the space. Or, create a poster with an inspirational saying like, “Good things come from hard work!” Take a little time to label your new supply holders not only with names but also with stickers or drawings to allow your child to personalize them. All this can be motivating to a child.
• Create a family homework rule. Be sure to discuss (at a family dinner, for example) how the family can respect homework time. Consider if you want all siblings to do homework at the same time or not. If you want everyone to do homework at the same time, consider what would need to be in place to make that happen. Either way, agree upon a homework rule that everyone will respect the person who is focused on their work and will be quiet in that area of the house.

Step 2. Teach New Skills by Interactive Modeling

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, learning on which developmental milestones a child is working can help a parent know which tasks might be more difficult. Here are some examples as they relate to homework: 4

• Five-year-olds like to help and follow rules. They typically see only one way of doing things (so if you suggest another, it might be difficult for them to understand and follow). They also may fear making mistakes, so it’s important to send the message that “Everyone makes mistakes, and mistakes are essential to learning.”
• Six-year-olds may be more apt to question your rules and refuse to proceed with the routine. But, they are ambitious and eager to do well, so recognize small steps toward competence.
• Seven-year-olds crave routine and structure, so they may not be able to deal well with a chaotic household distracting from their focus.
• Eight-year-olds are highly social and thrive in cooperative learning groups. This could be a great time to introduce a study partner/friend where buddies complete homework together discussing the issues and supporting one another. (This may not work for every child, so it is important to know your child and their ways of learning and focusing.) Eight-year-olds also may simply enjoy talking about what they are working on with you more than in past years.
• Nine-year-olds are highly competent with fine motor skills but can become easily frustrated. They may need directions that contain one instruction. They require patience and can be hard on themselves.
• Ten-year-olds are growing rapidly so they require more movement. They have a strong sense of right and wrong and awareness of fairness issues. They can feel more competent with homework, though challenging work may trigger anger and/or frustration.

Teaching is different than just telling. Teaching builds basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and sets your child up for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems.

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, it is easy to be confused about how best to support your child’s homework. Here are some specific ways you can define your role while ensuring your child has full ownership over their learning process.

• “Where in your book did you find this lesson?”
• “Where else could you look to find the answer?”
• “What other ways can you think about your answer?”
• Share your curiosity and interest in the subject, but do not provide an answer.
• Focus on keywords so that they too can learn to spot key words.
• Attempt to read together. Young children who are learning to read may require help reading and understanding directions.
• Use your finger to underscore the text you are reading.
• Ask your child which words are most important when you are talking about a problem.
• Have your child underline or highlight those words in the instructions or in the specific question they are trying to answer so that you have a focusing point. Children need support in figuring out what is most important in making sense out of text of any kind.
• Research together. If you cannot find the source of the problem in your child’s books, then do some online research together. But be certain that you allow your child to drive the process. You might ask, “What should we look up or search for together?” These are the first seeds of strong research skills.
• Teach the essential “brain break.” Breaks do not represent weakness or a lack of persistence. In fact, people’s brains work better if they take frequent breaks.
• Show proactively what a brain break might look like. Pretend play through it. Parent: sit with your pencil and paper and say aloud, “I am really starting to feel frustrated.” Then, move away from your seat and breathe deeply and loudly. Get a drink of water. Walk outside and breathe in the fresh air. Take your child with you to do this alongside you.
• You might ask, “What else makes you feel better and comforted when you are frustrated?” Brainstorm a brief list of spaces, places, things, and actions that offer comfort when frustrated. Leave that list in your school tool homework space. It will serve as an ongoing resource when brain breaks are required.
• It’s a common challenge of homework time for a child to fear making mistakes. Homework is practice, it is intended as a time to try out an answer, get it wrong, and try again. Hang up a sign near your homework spot to remind your child, “Mistakes are part of learning.”
• You do not need to be a subject matter expert EVER! If you find that you are struggling to get the right answer for yourself, take a step back. Realize that you are stealing a learning opportunity away from your child. Ask yourself how you can provide the guidance and support for them to answer the question or solve the problem (even if they get it wrong).

Step 3. Practice to Grow Skills and Develop Habits

Homework practice can take the form of cooperatively completing the task together or trying out a task with you as a coach and ready support. Practice grows vital new brain connections that strengthen (and eventually form habits) each time your child practices.

• Use “Show me…” statements. When a child learns a new ability, they are eager to show it off! Give them that chance. Say: “Show me you know what’s next when our timer goes off.” This can be used when you are in the after school routine and need an alert to move on to homework.
• Do a “brain break” dry run. In the midst of homework one night, maybe at a natural breaking point, play “brain break.” Practice moving away from homework. Get a drink of water. Walk outside and sniff the fresh air. Then, go back and ask, “Do you feel refreshed and ready or do you need a little more time?” If your child responds they need more time, then what would make them feel better? Perhaps a hug on a teddy bear or a couple of runs around the house might do the trick. This practice is super important if you plan to use it as a tool when your child is really upset.
• Recognize effort by using “I notice…” statements. For example, “I noticed how you got to work this afternoon when the timer sounded without me asking. That’s taking responsibility!”
• Proactively remind your child to help them be successful. Often the challenges in a homework routine seem to recur day after day and may be predictable. You might know exactly what they are and when they are going to happen. So, just before they do, remind in a gentle, non-public way. You may whisper in your child’s ear, “Remember what we can do next to figure out the problem? What is it?”

Resist the temptation to nag. Children often need more time to perform tasks that challenge them even if you believe they are simple and don’t require much time. Be sure to wait long enough for your child to show you they are competent. Your waiting could make all the difference in whether they are able to do what you need them to do.

Step 4. Support Your Child’s Development and Success

At this point, you’ve taught your child several new positive learning habits so that they understand how to perform them. You’ve practiced together. Now, you can offer support when it’s needed. Parents naturally offer support as they see their child fumble with a situation in which they need help. This is no different.

• Promote a learning attitude. Show confidence that your child can learn anything with time and practice (because they truly can!). Your comments and reflections will matter greatly in how competent they feel to meet any learning challenge.
• Ask key questions when your child struggles. You could say, “It looks like you feel stuck. Is there another way you could approach the problem?” or “How are you feeling about homework tonight?”
• Coach on communications. You might notice your child struggling and getting stuck even with your support. You might then say, “Seems like you are having trouble figuring this problem out and cannot find the answer in your resources. This would be a good time to ask your teacher about this problem. You might say, ‘Mrs. Johnson, I struggled with this one. Can you help me?’”
• Stay engaged. It can be motivating for a child when a parent does their own paperwork alongside them keeping them company. Working together, after all, is much more enjoyable than working alone.
• Allow for and reflect on real world consequences. If you see a mistake on your child’s worksheet, don’t correct it. You’ll be taking away a valuable learning opportunity. You could leave it alone altogether or ask once, “Do you feel like this is right or are you struggling with it?” If your child confirms it’s the answer they want to give, then allow them the experience of their teacher correcting it. It’s an important learning opportunity. It may open a door to extra support from their teacher.
• Apply logical consequences when needed. Logical consequences should come soon after the negative behavior and need to be provided in a way that maintains a healthy relationship. Rather than punishment, a consequence is about supporting the learning process. First, get your own feelings in check. Not only is this good modeling, when your feelings are in check you are able to provide logical consequences that fit the behavior. Second, invite your child into a discussion about the expectations established in Step 2. Third, if you feel that your child is not holding up their end of the bargain (unless it is a matter of them not knowing how), then apply a logical consequence as a teachable moment.

If you groan that it’s homework time, surely your child will groan too. Become aware of your own reactions to homework. Be sure that the tone and attitude you bring to homework is one of digging in, being curious, and learning.

A research study noted whether mothers’ comments during homework completion were controlling or supporting autonomy and competence. 5 The researchers concluded that those children who brought worries about their ability to perform had a heightened sensitivity to their mothers’ comments. Moms who supported their autonomy – “I know you can do it!” – and demonstrated that they believed in their child’s ability to do the work predicted increased achievement over time. However, those mothers who were more controlling in their comments – “I need to check your work. That’s not right.” – predicted less engagement and lower achievement in their children.

Step 5. Recognize Effort and Quality to Foster Motivation

No matter how old your child is, your praise and encouragement are their sweetest reward.

If your child is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be worth your while to recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way to promoting positive behaviors and helping your child manage their feelings. Your recognition also promotes safe, secure, and nurturing relationships — a foundation for strong communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow.

You can recognize your child’s efforts with praise, high fives, and hugs. Praise is most effective when you name the specific behavior of which you want to see more. For example, “You put your game away when the timer went off and got out your work. Love seeing that!”

Avoid bribes. A bribe is a promise for a behavior, while praise is special attention after the behavior. While bribes may work in the short term, praise grows lasting motivation for good behavior and effort. For example, instead of saying, “If you get your homework done right after school, I will let you choose the game we play after dinner” (which is a bribe), try recognizing the behavior after. “You got to work on your homework like we practiced. Love seeing that!”

• Recognize and call out when it is going well. It may seem obvious, but it’s easy not to notice when all is moving along smoothly. When children are completing their homework tasks on time, for example, a short, specific call out is all that’s needed. “I noticed you completed your homework today on your own in the time we agreed upon. Yes! Excellent.”
• Recognize small steps along the way. Don’t wait for the big accomplishments – like the entire homework routine to go smoothly – in order to recognize. Remember that your recognition can work as a tool to promote more positive behaviors. Find small ways your child is making an effort and let them know you see them.
• Build celebrations into your routine. For example, “We’ll get our business taken care of first with our homework, and then we’ll run around outside or take a bike ride.” Include hugs as a way to appreciate one another.

Engaging in these five steps is an investment that builds your skills as an effective parent to use on many other issues and builds important skills that will last a lifetime for your child. Throughout this tool, there are opportunities for children to become more self-aware, to deepen their social awareness, to exercise their self-management skills, to work on their relationship skills, and to demonstrate and practice responsible decision making.

[ 1 ] Henderson, A.T., Mapp, K.L., Johnson, V.R., & Davies, D. (2007). Beyond the bake sale: The essential guide to family-school partnerships. NY: The New York Press.

[ 2 ] reid, k. s. (2014). survey finds more parents troubled by their children’s homework . education week, september 19. retrieved on september 25, 2104., [ 3 ] national center for families learning. (2014). annual survey on parents and homework . google consumer surveys, august 12, 2014, to august 22, 2014, based on 1,039 online responses., [ 4 ] wood, c. (2017). yardsticks; child and adolescent development ages 4-14. turners falls, ma: center for responsive schools., [ 5 ] fei-yin ng, f., kenney-benson, g.a., & pomerantz, e.m. (2004). children’s achievement moderates the effects of mothers’ use of control and autonomy support. child development. vol. 75, 3, 764-780., recommended citation: center for health and safety culture. (2020). homework. ages 5-10. retrieved from https://parentingmontana.org..

ParentingMontana.org was supported [in part] by CFDA 93.959 and 93.243 from the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), and by the Preschool Development Grant Birth through Five Initiative (PDG B-5), Grant Number 90TP0026-01-00, from the Office of Child Care, Administration for Children and Families, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, and by the Montana State General Fund. The views and opinions contained do not necessarily reflect those of SAMHSA, the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, or the Montana Department of Health and Human Services, and should not be construed as such.

Sign up here  for updates to ParentingMontana.org.

Connect with a Child Care Resource & Referral Agency in your region

Connect with a montana prevention specialist in your region.

When Your Homeschooler Refuses to Do Any Work: Exactly What To Do!

Do you have a homeschooler who  refuses  to do their work?

Are your school days laced with frustration, pleading, anger, and tantrums – from both parent and child?

Is your kid slipping further and further beneath their potential because of their stubbornness?

Are you at your wit’s end?

Let me tell you, you are not alone!

I have had my own struggles with my 3 girls, and I have received emails from some pretty broken, frustrated homeschool moms too. 

I have written a couple of posts on how to motivate a homeschooler and whether bribing is every appropriate in homeschooling ….but I don’t think I’ve ever addressed the issue of what to do with a supremely stubborn child.

The homeschooler who won’t do school work no matter what “reward” is waiting for them. 

If you are in a daily battle of the wills with your homeschooler, you are in the right place. 

Get some coffee, and I’m going to show you how you can and will regain control of your homeschool and raise a child who loves learning! 

How to Deal With A Homeschool Kid Who Refuses To Do Any Work

1. Really Stop and Think. Dig Deep.

I don’t believe there is a “ one size fits all ” reason for why a kid continually and stubbornly refuses their homeschool work.

For that reason, you really need to sit down and think about what is truly causing the friction you are experiencing every day.

If you identify and correct these issues, it could make a world of difference in your homeschool!

To get your mind rolling, think through each of the below points and see if they apply to your homeschooler:

– Are you an angry homeschool mom?

No judgment over here. I have been there!

How would you feel if a teacher in a classroom treated your child the way that you do?

If you felt a pang of conviction there, please read my post on How to Stop Being an Angry Homeschool Mom . 

It gives practical tips that I have learned over the year to stop being impatient and angry with the 3 kids I love the most in the world. 

– Is the curriculum you’re using appropriate?

I am not one to say that you should run out and buy new curriculum every time your kid gets grumpy about school. But if your child is continually fighting you day after day, it may be worth it to try a different curriculum. 

I had one kid that went from slugging through math every day with a sour face to exclaiming, “Thank you, mommy! Thank you, mommy, for being this curriculum! I’m good at math!” 

All I did was switch out the curriculum and it made a shocking change in my child and our homeschool.

If you think this is the boat you’re in, read When to Switch Up the Curriculum .

– Is your child frustrated with new material?

Many kids fly through the early years of school and everything just clicks for them. People always remark about how smart they are.

Your kid may come to feel that they are just naturally gifted with all things school.

Inevitably though, these kids will hit material that is a challenge for them – it doesn’t come easily.

This may anger, frustrate, and scare your child. Instead of facing the challenge head-on, your homeschooler refuses to do it at all, so they won’t be seen as a failure. 

“Everyone says I’m smart. I don’t get this stuff though! Am I not smart anymore??”

I have had more than one kid like this. 

Here is how I handle it:

Pull the kid up into your lap, look them in the eye, and say with soft eyes, “We have a long stretch of years ahead of us where I will be teaching you. There will be lots of new material like this. You don’t know everything. If you did, you would be living in your own house, with your own job, and your own money. Did you know that school was hard for me too? I had to work really hard to learn {fill in the blank}. It was tough for me! I know this material is a challenge for you and you don’t like that, but let me tell you the truth about really smart people – they work hard . Smart people dig in and keep going even when it’s tough. Smart people don’t quit. You are a hard worker too, so I know you can do this if you set your mind to it.”

From this point on, praise your child for how hard they work, not for how smart they are.  

– Is your child under social stress? Dealing with depression?

Some homeschoolers may be refusing their schoolwork because they are rejecting the concept of homeschooling. 

They feel isolated. Yes, socialization does matter ! 

Is your kid able to get out and see their friends on a regular basis? Does your child have solid friends?

What can you do to meet those very real needs?

Check out my post – The Secret Strategy for Helping your Homeschooler Make Friends – to help your kid out.

More and more kids are also dealing with depression for many different reasons that have nothing to do with school.

If you think this could be an issue, there would be no harm in a doctor’s visit or seeing a counselor to help your child address the issue. 

– Are you pushing too hard?

This was 100% me in my first year of homeschooling. My type-A personality wanted my homeschool to be a huge success, so I pushed that onto my little 1st grader. 

I would tell her that she didn’t really need those manipulatives to do her math problem – couldn’t she just remember the answer?

The truth was, I was asking her to do things that were beyond her grade and development level – no wonder she wasn’t loving school!

I had to check myself, do some research, and make sure that my expectations matched what was appropriate for her. 

Are your expectations too high?

Are your school days way too long?

Do you push your kid because you want to validate yourself and your decision to homeschool?

– Are you having fun?

School, especially homeschool, should be fun. If you’re not having fun, why is that?

What can you change about your homeschool to make it more engaging and interesting for your kid?

Sometimes it is as simple as changing what you write on – check out that homeschool hack here .

Maybe you need a new read-aloud book. 

Make more time for art projects, science experiments, music, and P.E.

Find exciting Youtube videos that match up with your lesson. 

Be flexible, and incorporate the things your child is interested in into your lessons.

I once threw out a month of science lessons so we could dive into a study of Megalodon, which was something my kid was obsessed with at the time.

She was so excited for school to start every morning!

Take some time and go through these questions and really take an inventory of what is going on in your homeschool. If you still think your kid is just plain stubborn, then read on.

2. Lift Your Kid’s Eyes to the Future

Sometimes kids need a little extra motivation than your typical sticker chart rewards system.  Sit down with them and talk about their future (not in a scary way, but in an excited, adventure sort of way). 

What do they want to be? What are they passionate about? What do they want to do with their lives? Where do they want to go to college?

My oldest daughter (7 or 8 years old at the time) flat out refused to do math at one point. I took the time to gently show her that just about any job (and many basic life skills) requires an understanding of math. This is true of all core curriculum too!

We went online and looked up some good colleges that had programs she was interested in. We watched videos for prospective students and even looked at some of the college housing pages.

It all looked really cool and my daughter was very interested!

I told her that there is an end goal to school. There is a reason for what we do day in and day out – and that is to open every possible door for her. I want her to have her pick of colleges when the time comes. I want her to be prepared and to excel .

I want her to soar when she leaves my house and be anything she wants to be. 

But for that to happen, she has to apply herself in school. Kids that don’t do well in school, don’t have as many options and opportunities as kids who did apply themselves.

No matter the age your kid is, it doesn’t hurt to lovingly lift their child’s eyes to look at the long-term goal.

Make sure they know that all your efforts come from a desire to see them succeed in life!

3.  Introduce a Bookend Reward System

After discussing the future and the importance of school with your resistant homeschooler, introduce a Bookend Reward System.

That means that when they finish school in a reasonable amount of time, with a good attitude  – there will be a reward.

Now this reward must be something that you don’t mind giving out and they really want . It could be increased screentime, a sticker chart that helps them earn something bigger, a later bedtime, special treat, etc.

If your child fails to meet that standard (due to a bad attitude, not because they were actually struggling with the material) there will be a consequence.

The consequence should be something they really don’t want and you don’t mind doing. It could be a loss of screen time, taking away a favorite toy, putting their tablet in timeout for 24 hours, etc.

If you’re not sure what your consequence should be, think about the thing your kid would always rather do than schoolwork. Then take that thing away as the consequence. 

It’s important to communicate this “bookend” system with great love and concern . You are not angry – you love your homeschooler and you want to help motivate them to reach their true potential.

Every day they have a chance to either earn something positive…or experience an immediate negative consequence.

You are no longer in a daily power struggle over schoolwork.

They pick every day what they want to experience.

They are in the driver’s seat. 

4. Consistency is the Name of the Game

It is one thing to introduce the Bookend Reward system to your homeschooler who resues to do their work…and it is any entirely different thing to actually follow through with it. 

This system will absolutely fail  if you do not convince your child that you are serious. 

You must always follow through with what you said you would do.

Whenever you have to administer consequences, be firm, but kind .

Tell them you are so sorry they made this choice and you were really hoping they would choose differently.

Do not give second chances . That sounds harsh, but they need to learn what the standard is – and that is school completed on time with a good attitude.

There is no room for tantrums, ugly words, or refusing to be work. You will no longer beg them to do their work.  

When they choose the positive path – go nuts! Celebrate them to the point that they roll their eyes and say you’re embarrassing them!

Delight in the reward they receive and make a big deal about it at the dinner table. 

*****If you think your kid really struggles with connecting their actions to how the day plays out, I highly recommend getting the book “ What Should Danny Do? ” and “ What Should Darla Do? ”

These are fantastic “choose your own adventure” books that allow your kid to actually choose what decisions Danny and Darla make throughout the day. They get to see how the day changes based on the decisions they make!

My own kids have benefited so much from these books and now respect their own “Power to Choose.”

But What if This Doesn’t Work and My Homeschool Still Won’t Do Their Work?

If you find that your kid still doesn’t care about the reward you’re offering and the consequence for not meeting the standard…I would tell you revisit the questions in the first point of this post and rethink what the reward and consequence are.

Whatever you have picked is not getting the job done.

Do not be afraid to sit down and ask your child what would motivate them. You might be surprised what they will tell you their consequence should be! 

Find the right pressure points and stay consistent with a loving and firm hand. 

How to Prevent Raising a Homeschooler Who Won’t Do Schoolwork

Did you read this article out of fear, not because you are actually experiencing a homeschool kid who refuses schoolwork?

Do you want to be prepared for what the future might hold?

If this is you, then I want to give you some points to avoid getting in the situations this article talks about. 

Your homeschooler may love school right now. They may relish every read-aloud book, worksheet, and project…but that attitude will likely not last. 

Mountains and valleys are extremely normal in education.

You just need to be ready.

I would strongly recommend following these steps to prevent raising a homeschooler who won’t do school work:

1. Make “fun” a central value of your homeschool. Don’t skip the cool things because you think you don’t have time. Your kids should be excited to find out what they’ll be learning tomorrow!

2. use a reward system for schoolwork even if you don’t “need” one right now. it will help on days that your kid is a little sluggish – don’t we all have those days, 3. when and if your kid gives you an inappropriate attitude about school work, nip it in the bud quickly. make it clear that such behavior will not be tolerated. do not yell or get angry, just state that your job is to teach – not to beg them to do school. i have even sent my kids to their rooms and told them they have lost the privilege of doing school – which also means they lost their reward for the day., recap when your homeschooler refuses to do homeschool work.

You can absolutely change the path your homeschool is on – I have no doubt. 

Remember to address those initial questions about your homeschool with brutal honesty, talk to your kid about what their future holds, introduce the Bookend Rewards System , and follow through with it! 

You can do this!

And your children will be so blessed by your efforts, Homeschool Mama.

Hi There, Homeschool Mama!

Join thousands of homeschool parents who get weekly encouragement, support, laughs, and tips straight to their inbox from The Simple Homeschooler!

Loading…

You Did It!

You have successfully joined our subscriber list ( unsubscribe at any time ) and your free printable is on the way to your inbox! If you don’t see it soon, be sure to check your SPAM and other folders.

Welcome to The Simple Homeschooler Community!

Want to tuck this post away for later? 

Be sure to pin it to your favorite Pinterest board and share with your homeschooling friends and followers!

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

clock This article was published more than  3 years ago

What to do when a 7-year-old melts down about homework?

Q: Is there any way to get through to a 7-year-old in second grade that the amount of time she spends melting down and yelling about a simple school assignment that she could've mostly finished during class time and chose not to is longer than the amount of time it would take to do the assignment? We have never been super strict about homework, mostly because we thought it was inappropriate before, but now it's actually classwork and not homework, and her teachers are overall understanding. But occasionally, she needs to be able to accomplish some schoolwork without falling apart, right?

A: What a great question. Has there ever been a way to convince 7-year-olds that they have wasted their time screaming? In my time of working with families for about 20 years, as well as parenting three children, the answer is no, not really. The essence of what you want, which is what every parent wants, is for your child to understand your point of view, and hence, obey you without fits or questions. A wonderful dream, really. And I’m with you: It’s maddening to watch your child “waste” their time melting down when you know it is well within their power to just do the work. But we aren’t really talking about homework here. Allow me to explain.

How can I get my third-grader to focus on online school?

I don’t know whether this is a learning-at-home pandemic issue or whether your child is in school and this is spillover, but I can assure you either way: Your child is not making a conscious choice to melt down or be a quitter. I don’t know why, but your child is overwhelmed and needs support. It could be that she has an undiagnosed learning issue. It could be hunger. It could be a reaction to your pushing and pushing to complete the assignment. It could be that she’s bored and doesn’t want to revisit the material. I have no idea why your daughter is upset, but you need to reshape your goals.

To move forward, you have to admit that just because you now care about the schoolwork doesn’t mean your daughter does. To go from zero attention to now expecting enthusiasm doesn’t seem to be working, so stop expecting that from her.

We see that she’s resisting this, so get down to the why.

First, call the teacher and clarify what’s happening in school, as well as what the teacher expects. Ask if the teacher sees any executive functioning issues. Explain the behaviors you’re seeing at home, and don’t be afraid to ask for help.

Next, be sure that the timing of the classwork makes sense for your daughter. Has she had downtime? Is she fed? Has she moved her body?

Finally, call a mini-meeting with her, and set up a plan. Your ultimate goal isn’t to raise a child who completes classwork; your ultimate goal is to raise a child who enjoys learning and is motivated to do it. Let’s go slow and steady on this classwork issue; she’s only 7.

Step back and reassess. You’ll get there. Good luck.

Send questions about parenting to [email protected]

More from Lifestyle :

Should a first-grader be able to remember lessons learned at online school?

How can I keep my child — and myself — on track during online kindergarten?

He hates doing third-grade homework. Should a parent force it?

Our 8-year-old is bored and whiny. How can we change this?

Nicole Beurkens

America’s Most Trusted Child Psychologist

Q&A: My 7 yr old boy won’t sit still at school or during homework

This week’s question is from Jessica,

“My son struggles with sitting still at school and while doing homework. He is medicated (for ADHD) but his teacher and others at his school are recommending I increase his medication but I don’t know if I want to do that. What should I do?”

In this episode, I will address a number of things that I think will be helpful for all parents. Not just kids who have been diagnosed with ADHD. The number one takeaway here is that movement while learning is not only normal for all kids but it is essential for learning . Then I will give lots of helpful tips about things you can do to help your child learn in a way that works for them. Lastly, I will address medication and why it is not the teacher’s job to recommend medication. 

You can submit a question by emailing us at [email protected] with the subject line “Podcast Question.”

Need help with improving your child’s behavior naturally?

• My book Life Will Get Better is available for purchase, click here to learn more.
• Looking for more? Check out my Blog and Workshops .
• Interested in becoming a patient? Contact us here .

Episode Highlights

What the parents and teachers notice.

• He is always fidgeting 
• Does not stay in his chair while doing school online, in person, or while doing homework
• Difficulty regulating his movement

What they’ve tired

• Teachers and school authorities asking parent to increase his medication

Movement in this age is essential for development in all areas  

• In fact, from infants all the way up to older kids – movement is critical to learning
• Movement helps to promote brain growth – physical activity is normal and important 
• When kids move a lot, it might be signaling to us that they need a break to move their bodies 
• Our school environment in the U.S. is very sedentary which is not a realistic expectation for kids who are learning

Strategies that can help…

Be proactive.

• Make sure your child has a lot of time being active and playing outdoors, outside of school, and homework time
• It is developmentally inappropriate that a 7 yr old would have homework 
• Opt-out if that’s best for him, talk with his teacher and the school about it

Setting up their environment for movement and learning  

• Pace space – if your child likes to move or walk while learning, mark off a space on the floor with tape so they can move around in that space. 
• Therabands – tie a band around the front two legs of the chair so they can use that to bounce their feet
• Ball chairs – gives the ability to stay in one spot and allows for lots of movement 
• DIY: Blow up a beach ball a quarter of the way, set it on their chair and they can sit and move on it
• Fidget toys – rubber bands, fidget spinners, squeeze ball, etc
• Alternate seating – propped up on their elbows, laying over a fitball 

Weighted things can help with calming and regulating  

• A weighted lap pad or stuffed animal 
• Therapy putty or thick clay they can manipulate in their hands 
• Sucking is very calming 
• Chewing on a cold chew toy or gum gives an organizing input to the brain

Breaks are important

• In general, we expect kids to learn and focus for too long
• Talk to the teacher about allowing your child to take movement breaks
• An outside break is even better 
• Take walks or do jumping jacks for 5 minutes 
• Start the day with protein – eggs, sausage, almond butter on toast
• Keep blood sugar balanced – less sugary breakfast foods and snacks 
• Add in a few nutrient-dense foods – avocado, salmon, cacao nibs, etc. 
• Lots of water for hydration – always have a water bottle or cup available with water
• Speak with your doctor about checking iron level 
• Magnesium can be helpful and calming for the brain 

Medication 

• It is not appropriate for school professionals to talk to parents about medication
• That should only be discussed with your medical provider

Connect with Dr. Nicole Beurkens on…

• Drbeurkens.com

Episode Timestamps

Episode Intro … 00:00:30 Movement while learning is normal and important … 00:02:10 Strategies that will help your child learn best … 00:07:57 Movement options while learning … 00:14:00 Help kids feel calm while learning …00:16:35 Give kids regular breaks … 00:18:10 What to look for with nutrition … 00:20:19 The conversation about medication … 00:22:00 Episode wrap up … 00: 25:25

Episode Transcript

Dr. Nicole Beurkens: 

Hi everyone, welcome to the show. I am Dr. Nicole, and on today’s episode, I’m answering a question from a listener. I get so many questions each week, and this is a great way to provide answers that many of you might find helpful. If you have a question you’d like me to consider answering on a future episode, email it to [email protected] , and you just might hear it on an upcoming show. Now onto today’s question from Jessica. Jessica writes, “Dear Dr. Nicole. I’m really struggling with my 7 year old son in school activities, both the virtual classes and homework. This has been an ongoing problem all year, and our school isn’t going back to full-time in person until possibly next fall. My son has been diagnosed with ADHD and is very physically active. It’s tough to get him to sit still and stay in the same place for his teacher to see him during the online classes. He’s also always fidgeting in his chair, and trying to move all over during homework time. Honestly, this isn’t just an issue at home. His teacher complains about it in the classroom too. He takes medication to help with the ADHD, although I’m not sure how much it helps. The school keeps saying he needs more medicine or a different medicine, but I’m really not sure I want to do that. He’s a bright boy and can do the work, but it’s just helping him stay physically still that’s a problem. Any ideas that can help? Thank you. Jessica.”

Jessica, thank you for writing about this. I think that these are issues that many, many of our parent listeners face, so I hope that my response to your questions will be helpful to many of you who are listening. 

Okay. So first, let’s start with the overarching idea here that we need to keep in mind when we are looking at what’s going on with a child’s physically active behavior and how that’s impacting them. So first of all, it is really important to remember that it is very developmentally appropriate for children, particularly younger children to move while they are engaged in thinking and learning kinds of activities. Movement is essential for development in all areas. And that’s the case for infants all the way up through older kids that brain growth and development, whether we’re talking bout development in the areas of motor skills or development in communication skills, relationship skills, thinking and cognitive skills, focus and attention skills, whatever area of development we’re talking about: Movement is a critical thing that drives that development, so that’s why we see in babies, in toddlers, in preschoolers, in elementary age kids, they’re moving their bodies a lot in different ways because they’re driven to do that, that’s how they are making sense of the world, it’s how they’re making sense of what’s going on inside them, and that movement is literally promoting brain growth, literally helping to promote the connections within and between the different parts of the brain that are essential for developing important skills in all of these areas. So movement, physical activity is natural, normal and important. So that’s the first thing we need to keep in mind. Now, movement can be at an extreme, and some kids, especially if they veer into the territory of what might truly be called hyperactive kinds of movement where they seem to be at a speed of 100 all the time and have difficulty regulating their activity level and their movement depending on the situation, then that can create some challenges, especially, depending on the activities or the situation or the environment. So it certainly can be the case that we need to give kids strategies and tools for learning how to regulate their movement needs and regulate their activity level, but within the overarching framework of understanding that movement is normal and important. And actually, I would argue that if a child is moving around a lot, that is telling us something about what their brain and body need. That’s giving us a clue about what their brain needs to function well, and what maybe isn’t working for them in that particular environment or situation. So that’s the first thing we need to keep in mind and I think that’s really important because so often, the thought process around what kids are expected to do in school or even what we expect young kids to do in general is we want them to sit still. We want them to focus and sit still or we want them to just calm down and sit still. And we forget, we look at that through the lens of our adult brain and we forget that movement is natural, physical activity is important for them. So we have a lot of unrealistic and actually developmentally inappropriate expectations for children, particularly of these younger ages, and our schools reflect that. 

Unfortunately, our school system, at least her in the US, has really moved far, far away in many ways from what is developmentally-appropriate for kids, and that includes opportunities for lots of physical movement. More and more, we see even preschools that are moving towards kids sitting down at desks or at tables, doing a lot more sitting kinds of activities, not having near the amount of opportunities that they used to in my generation or for many of you listening, where we’d go outside, we’d have recess, we’d play, we’d have centers, lots of opportunities for movement, and unfortunately, in our schools today, that really has been taken away in many schools throughout the US, kindergarten is now an all-day everyday activity with a lot of focus on sitting, sitting, sitting, doing worksheets, doing sedentary kinds of things and that is not developmentally aligned with kids needs at that age and developmental level, and then we wonder why we run into this disconnect between what kids are expected to do for school and what their behavior is. And most of it revolves around, in my opinion, us having developmentally inappropriate expectations and environments for kids. So those are all things to consider when we are thinking about what is going on with a child and how to support them, because the vast majority at the time, in my experience, both working in schools as well as in private practice is that we need to change things in the environment. The environment is more the issue, there’s not something wrong with the child. Now again, I’m not saying that it isn’t beneficial and important to help kids learn skills and have tools for self-regulation, for managing their movement needs in appropriate ways, but we can do that the vast majority of the time by making environmental changes. 

So let me share some ideas for you, some strategies that may be helpful. The first is to be proactive. That means making sure that your son has a lot of time for movement, for physical exploration, for being outside in nature, for just being active in his body outside of school and homework time. That is super, super important for these kids that need a lot of movement. I would argue for any child at that age, but especially kids who need a lot of movement. Give them lots of opportunities for movement when they’re not doing school kinds of activities. So that might mean building obstacle courses, it might mean him spending a lot of time outside, running around, riding his bike, climbing trees, depending on where you live, doing physically active things. Lots of opportunities for that. It’s super important, the most proactive thing that we can do. 

Side note here because you mentioned that it’s difficult to get him to focus during homework time: What I want to say about that is that I find it really developmentally inappropriate that a 7-year-old would have homework. So that’s just maybe something to consider there. You know every parent certainly is welcome to have their opinions on that, professionals as well, but what I would say is that homework, in general, is not a research-based practice. I’ll say that again and maybe do a whole episode on this at some point: Homework has not been shown in the research that’s been done, to be an appropriate or necessary thing that we have kids do. And yet, it’s such a — I don’t know, it’s this thing that’s cemented in our school. It’s like this rite of passage like every kid needs to be having homework. It’s just silly and it’s not research-based and kids don’t need to be doing it. So if you’re in a school where your child is being assigned homework and it’s really a struggle and they’re tapped out by the end of the school day and it’s creating a lot of distress in the home environment to be doing that, I highly encourage parents to opt-out of it, and guess what? You have that option. And especially now, with virtual learning, if you have been working to help your child to stay focused and getting work done all day long on the computer, there is absolutely no need to spend one more moment sitting down then and doing something called “Homework” I mean think about how silly that even is. So I would say with a child like Jessica describes here, for any of you who have kids who this is a challenge with, opt out of the homework situation. Trust me, they’re not going to be any worse off for it, have a meeting with the teacher, talk with the school. It may be helpful for you to know that there are many more schools now going to policies, especially at the elementary level of not giving homework. Again, maybe I’ll do a whole other episode on homework if some of you would find that helpful, but just something to keep in mind here. Jessica, with your particular son and the challenges you’re noting, I would not spend a minute of time on homework. Instead, I would say, “You know what our homework is? Going outside and doing a scavenger hunt. You know what our homework is? Making sure that we’re taking a long bike ride together after dinner. You know what our homework is? Carrying the heavy laundry baskets up and doing the stairs for some heavy organizing input to our sensory system.” Those are the things we’re going to do as homework. So proactive, making sure there’s lots of time for movements, nature, physical activity. 

Okay. Let’s talk about movement options during learning: Now this can be online if you’re having your child on the days that he is home and in front of the computer, but these can also be done in the classroom. Here are some specific strategies that I find really helpful. The first is a pace space. If your child is a pacer, a walker, likes to be moving around while he’s listening or doing things in front of the computer, tape off or mark off in some way on the floor this pace space, this space, it gives it some boundaries so he’s not walking or wandering all over the house or all over the room and the teacher is saying she can’t see him on the screen. Mark off this pace space on the floor and he can stand and move around as much as he wants in that space. It helps create some structure and some boundaries while still allowing movement. In the classroom, I will often tape off these pace spaces in the back of the room or on the side of the rooms so that kids can be up and using those and having those defined spaces and it’s not distracting or getting in the way of other kids being able to see. Another thought is to get some stretchy, what’s called TheraBand or those exercise bands, you can get them in different levels of resistance and tie a band around the front two legs of the chair. What this does is it gives your child something bouncy to bounce their legs or their feet against. It gives some resistance, they can bounce their legs there, it’s quiet but it gives them some resistance, some deep pressure and some opportunity to move there with their legs and get some physical input. Another option is a ball-chair. Some kids do okay with one of the big therapy balls or gym balls that they can just sit on and bounce on. They also make stands now or even whole chairs that have a ball or even bungee cords, I’ve seen chairs now with bungee cords, something that, again, gives that ability to stay in one spot but to get the physical movement that the brain and body are cravings. There are also things called sit discs that you can buy that sit on the chair that allow for movement back and forth and around while sitting on the chair. They’re not so much bouncy — a little bit, but they just allow for more fluid movements sitting on the chair. Honestly, a really cheap way to do that, you can go to the dollar store and get a midsize inflatable beach ball and blow it up just a little bit so there is air in it, so when your child sits on it, there’s like this movable surface. Not blowing it all the way up into a ball, just blowing it up maybe an eighth to a quarter of the way, so when they sit on it, they have this sort of movable pillow kind of surface on the chair. That can be helpful as well.

Fidget toys can be useful. So something that they can fidget with their hands. I had a kid in the clinic earlier today, we were working on some thinking kinds of activities and he chose a rubber band out of my little tool basket that I have of fidgets, and he was using that to fidget with. One of the things that teachers or parents often raise around these kinds of tools or allowing the movement is “Well, then he’s not going to be focused.” We need to remember that the opposite is true. Most kids, and especially kids with these kinds of movement needs and these kinds of challenges, need the movement to allow them to focus. So it’s not in the way that we’re thinking of it, if they’re moving they’re not focused. In fact, typically the opposite is true. They’re moving so that their brain can be more tuned in and focused. So even if it looks like they’re not paying attention, often they are. Now with fidget toys, whether it’s like a squeeze ball, stress ball, or rubber band, a little toy in their hands, whatever it might be, we need to have some limits and boundaries around that. Not appropriate to be throwing it, to be creating problems for other people, we can teach even really young kids how to use those things inappropriately, helpful ways. I would also encourage, during online lessons or even in the classroom, alternate kinds of seating. So sometimes, it works really well for these kids to be propped up on their belly on the floor, propped up on their elbows, that can help keep them stabilized in one spot, and it also gives them some good deep pressure input to their upper body by propping themselves up. Some kids do well lying over a gym ball or a therapy ball to have some movement and some pressure there. There’s nothing that says that that computer has to be sitting on a desk or a table surface with your child in the chair. Experiment with different things: Have them stand up, that can be helpful for some kids. I’ve got some kids who — a parent has a treadmill desk at home, and that can work really well for them. I’ve also seen in classrooms or in homes, you can get really inexpensively these little pedal exercisers, like little bike pedals you put on the floor under the desk, and some kids do great just being able to quietly pedal away while they’re working or while they’re listening. So the key here is to find space and movement options that are going to work and to experiment with that and to provide some choices for your son to make around what is going to be helpful to him during those times. 

Now some other options that can be helpful: Some kids benefit from a weighted lap pad or a weighted stuffed animal, something that’s heavier on their lap that gives them some input and helps them to regulate their activity level and sort of calm their body. That can be helpful. Having something like Theraputty or thick playdough or clay that they can manipulate in their hands, that can be calming and regulating, again, can just help organize their brain and body when they’re not able to move around. Some other tools are giving a water bottle or a cup with a crazy straw, those straws that have lots of twists and turns in different shapes and things, and have them suck water through that or even a smoothie or a thicker liquid, even applesauce can work. Sucking, especially the harder a child has to suck through the straw, the more organizing and regulating that is for the brain and the sensory system, so that can be a great tool. Even a water bottle where they have to suck pretty strongly on the spout of the water bottle to get the water out, that can be a great, regulating, focusing, calming kind of tool. Some kids do well chewing gum or having a chewy toy or something that they can — again, that chewing gives and organizing input to the brain and can help them to regulate their movement and keep their brain focused. So a few other tools that can be helpful. Now I also think it’s really important to be giving kids regular breaks. That goes for at home with virtual learning and it also goes for their time in the classroom.

In general, I think we expect kids to focus and do learning kinds of activities for way longer than their brain is capable of. So, Jessica, you mentioned your son is 7. I would not expect more than 15-20 minutes tops of being able to stay focused on something before needing a break. So you try to work that in where you can with the virtual learning, in classrooms, there are lots of wonderful teachers now who are giving movement breaks regularly throughout the day, whether that’s a whole class movement break of doing some exercises altogether or allowing kids who need more breaks to do things like walk down to the drinking fountain, take a note to the office, help pass out papers, those kinds of things to give them some breaks for movement, but you want to look at scheduling those breaks throughout your day with your virtual learning and to take walks, do jumping jacks, go through an obstacle course, whatever it’s going to be, even just for 5 minutes, if you can go outside, that’s even better because then he gets the movement and the fresh air and nature, which is very regulating and focusing for the brain, but making sure that you’ve got regular breaks and that you’re not expecting him to sit and focus too long. 

I think communication is important here. Talk with him about what he notices, what’s working and not working, make a plan at the start of the day, and say, “Okay, what do we think worked and what didn’t?” You can share your observations, he can share his, and you can kind of work together, recognizing that he has a goal of doing the right thing too. We often forget about that. We think for some reason that kids who are hyperactive and moving around a lot like they’re intentionally trying to cause problems. No! He wants to do well with this, he wants to be able to please other people. He wants to get his work done, he wants to be successful, so including him in the discussion of what’s helping, what’s not, what can we try that might work better? 

From a nutrition standpoint, I would encourage you to think about just a few things: The first is starting the day with protein, which has been shown to be very helpful for regulating movement and hyperactivity, very helpful for just stabilizing the brain and helping with focus and attention, so starting the day with a good source of protein, making sure that you’re keeping blood sugar balance, not having a lot of sugary foods or snacks, focusing on good nutrient-dense foods when you can work those in, eating consistently throughout the school day is important. I recognize you have more control over that at home than you do in the school environment perhaps, and then also plenty of water for hydration, because kids, when they even get mildly dehydrated, it has a negative impact on their brain function, on their attention, so keeping water readily available and encouraging hydration throughout the school day. From a supplement perspective, lots of things that we can consider here, but particularly Jessica, with what you mentioned, I’d be interested in checking an iron level and just making sure with your primary care provider that the iron level is where it should be because suboptimal iron or even deficient iron and anemia can really be an issue with ADHD symptoms, with hyperactivity and those kinds of things, and then you may also want to talk with your healthcare provider about how magnesium can be helpful. That sometimes can be a very supporting, calming mineral for the brain and for the body, and so you may find that helpful. So those are some ideas there. Lots of other things that could be done, but hopefully that gives you some things to target.

I also, just as I’m wrapping up, want to touch base and spotlight something that you mentioned about the school telling you that your son should be taking more medicine or different medicine. I just really want to talk about that briefly before we close out here. It is not appropriate for school professionals to be talking with you about medication. That is not appropriate, school professionals are not educated around medications, are not educated and don’t have the credentials to be talking with parents about psychiatric medications or any medications for their child. It’s appropriate for educators to raise their concerns about what’s going on for a child in the classroom and how best that child can be supported from a developmental or an educational standpoint, not appropriate for them to be raising issues with you about medication. So I just want to be clear because I know that many of you listening may have similar kinds of things come up, and it’s just important for you to know that that’s not appropriate and that you need to make the decisions that you feel are best for your child, and I don’t ever want a parent to feel pressured by a child’s teacher or school administrators or whoever to put them on medication, to make medication changes. That certainly can be part of the discussion with healthcare providers around feedback that you’re getting from your child’s teacher and challenges that the school is noticing and what might be helpful there. So it’s appropriate for educators to raise their concerns about what they’re seeing in the classroom, not appropriate for them to be telling you to put him on different medication or increase his medication. What I would encourage is that you schedule a meeting. It might need to be online right now, still, or go into the school to discuss what’s happening. To provide suggestions to them about what you’re finding is working well at home, and to collaborate with them on a plan, we want to keep lines of communication open between home and school and have good collaborative communication and problem-solving. It might be helpful to meet regularly to talk about what’s working, what’s not working, what might be helpful when parents and school professionals are communicating well and collaborating together, that’s when we get the best outcomes for kids. And then also for you as the parent to determine, is this classroom teacher open to trying things? Are they open to viewing your son as a kid who is bright, who wants to be successful, who developmentally is struggling with some of these things but wants to do well and needs some different support? Is he or she open to that or not? That allows you to get a sense of what’s really happening there so that you can make the best decisions around what kind of environment is appropriate for your child, what different kinds of things might need to happen for school, those types of things. So I would definitely encourage you to schedule a meeting and just keep open collaborative communication and throw some of these suggestions out that I shared today and see what the feedback is and how those can be implemented. So I hope, Jessica, that this is helpful for you, and I hope that it’s helpful for any of you with kids who are physically active and need movement to focus and learn. Look for my next episode coming up, and I will be back next week with another Q&A for you. 

Remember, if you have a question that you would like to hear answered on a future show, email it to us at [email protected]. Thanks as always for listening, and I’ll catch you back here next time.

SIGN UP FOR My Newsletter

Get latest offers, articles, podcasts, special offers and more..

• Speaking Media

• © Dr Nicole Beurkens. All Rights Reserved

Privacy Policy

• WHO DESIGNED THIS WEBSITE?

EXPLORE Our New Free GUIDE

Download my free 5 Keys to Better Behavior Naturally and get information and strategies you need to start improving your child’s attention, anxiety, mood and behavior right away.

We will only send you awesome stuff

This Privacy Policy governs the manner in which Beurkens Autism Consulting, Inc. d/b/a Horizons Developmental Resource Center collects, uses, maintains and discloses information collected from users (each, a “User”) of the  www.DrBeurkens.com  website (“Site”). This privacy policy applies to the Site and all products and services offered by Horizons Developmental Resource Center.

Please read this Privacy Policy carefully. By visiting and using the Site, you agree that your use of our Site, and any dispute over privacy, is governed by this Privacy Policy. Because the Web is an evolving medium, we may need to change our Privacy Policy at some point in the future, in which case we’ll post the changes to this Privacy Policy on this website and update the Effective Date of the policy to reflect the date of the changes. By continuing to use the Site after we post any such changes, you accept the Privacy Policy as modified.

Personal identification information

We may collect personal identification information from Users in a variety of ways, including, but not limited to, when Users visit our site, register on the site, place an order, subscribe to the newsletter, respond to a survey, fill out a form, and in connection with other activities, services, features or resources we make available on our Site. Users may be asked for, as appropriate, name, email address, mailing address, phone number, credit card information. Users may, however, visit our Site anonymously. We will collect personal identification information from Users only if they voluntarily submit such information to us. Users can always refuse to supply personally identification information, except that it may prevent them from engaging in certain Site related activities.

Non-personal identification information

We may collect non-personal identification information about Users whenever they interact with our Site. Non-personal identification information may include the browser name, the type of computer and technical information about Users means of connection to our Site, such as the operating system and the Internet service providers utilized and other similar information.

Web browser cookies

Our Site may use “cookies” to enhance User experience. User’s web browser places cookies on their hard drive for record-keeping purposes and sometimes to track information about them. User may choose to set their web browser to refuse cookies, or to alert you when cookies are being sent. If they do so, note that some parts of the Site may not function properly.

How we use collected information

Horizons Developmental Resource Center may collect and use Users personal information for the following purposes:

• To improve customer service — Information you provide helps us respond to your customer service requests and support needs more efficiently.
• To personalize user experience — We may use information in the aggregate to understand how our Users as a group use the services and resources provided on our Site.
• To improve our Site — We may use feedback you provide to improve our products and services.
• To process payments — We may use the information Users provide about themselves when placing an order only to provide service to that order. We do not share this information with outside parties except to the extent necessary to provide the service.
• To run a promotion, contest, survey or other Site feature — To send Users information they agreed to receive about topics we think will be of interest to them.
• To send periodic emails — We may use the email address to send User information and updates pertaining to their order. It may also be used to respond to their inquiries, questions, and/or other requests. If User decides to opt-in to our mailing list, they will receive emails that may include company news, updates, related product or service information, etc. If at any time the User would like to unsubscribe from receiving future emails, we include detailed unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of each email or User may contact us via our Site.

How we protect your information

We adopt appropriate data collection, storage and processing practices and security measures to protect against unauthorized access, alteration, disclosure or destruction of your personal information, username, password, transaction information and data stored on our Site.

Sensitive and private data exchange between the Site and its Users happens over a SSL secured communication channel and is encrypted and protected with digital signatures.

Sharing your personal information

We do not sell, trade, or rent Users personal identification information to others. We may share generic aggregated demographic information not linked to any personal identification information regarding visitors and users with our business partners, trusted affiliates and advertisers for the purposes outlined above.We may use third party service providers to help us operate our business and the Site or administer activities on our behalf, such as sending out newsletters or surveys. We may share your information with these third parties for those limited purposes provided that you have given us your permission.

Please keep in mind that whenever you voluntarily make your personal information available for viewing by third parties online – for example on message boards, web logs, through email, or in chat areas – that information can be seen, collected and used by others besides us. We cannot be responsible for any unauthorized third-party use of such information.

Some of our third-party advertisers and ad servers that place and present advertising on the Site also may collect information from you via cookies, web beacons or similar technologies. These third-party advertisers and ad servers may use the information they collect to help present their advertisements, to help measure and research the advertisements’ effectiveness, or for other purposes. The use and collection of your information by these third-party advertisers and ad servers is governed by the relevant third-party’s privacy policy and is not covered by our Privacy Policy. Indeed, the privacy policies of these third-party advertisers and ad servers may be different from ours. If you have any concerns about a third party’s use of cookies or web beacons or use of your information, you should visit that party’s website and review its privacy policy.

Google Analytics

We also use Google Analytics Advertiser Features to optimize our business. Advertiser features include:

• Remarketing with Google Analytics
• Google Display Network Impression Reporting
• DoubleClick Platform integrations
• Google Analytics Demographics and Interest Reporting

By enabling these Google Analytics Display features, we are required to notify our visitors by disclosing the use of these features and that we and third-party vendors use first-party cookies (such as the Google Analytics cookie) or other first-party identifiers, and third-party cookies (such as the DoubleClick cookie) or other third-party identifiers together to gather data about your activities on our Site. Among other uses, this allows us to contact you if you begin to fill out our check-out form but abandon it before completion with an email reminding you to complete your order. The “Remarketing” feature allows us to reach people who previously visited our Site, and match the right audience with the right advertising message.

You can opt out of Google’s use of cookies by visiting Google’s ad settings and/or you may opt out of a third-party vendor’s use of cookies by visiting the  Network Advertising Initiative opt-out page .

As advertisers on Facebook and through our Facebook page, we, (not Facebook) may collect content or information from a Facebook user and such information may be used in the same manner specified in this Privacy Policy. You consent to our collection of such information.

We abide by Facebook’s Data Use Restrictions.

• Any ad data collected, received or derived from our Facebook ad (“Facebook advertising data”) is only shared with someone acting on our behalf, such as our service provider. We are responsible for ensuring that our service providers protect any Facebook advertising data or any other information obtained from us, limit our use of all of that information, and keep it confidential and secure.
• We do not use Facebook advertising data for any purpose (including retargeting, commingling data across multiple advertisers’ campaigns, or allowing piggybacking or redirecting with tags), except on an aggregate and anonymous basis (unless authorized by Facebook) and only to assess the performance and effectiveness of our Facebook advertising campaigns.
• We do not use Facebook advertising data, including the targeting criteria for a Facebook ad, to build, append to, edit, influence, or augment user profiles, including profiles associated with any mobile device identifier or other unique identifier that identifies any particular user, browser, computer or device.
• We do not transfer any Facebook advertising data (including anonymous, aggregate, or derived data) to any ad network, ad exchange, data broker or other advertising or monetization related service.

Children’s Privacy Statement

This children’s privacy statement explains our practices with respect to the online collection and use of personal information from children under the age of thirteen, and provides important information regarding their rights under federal law with respect to such information.

• This Site is not directed to children under the age of thirteen and we do NOT knowingly collect personally identifiable information from children under the age of thirteen as part of the Site. We screen users who wish to provide personal information in order to prevent users under the age of thirteen from providing such information. If we become aware that we have inadvertently received personally identifiable information from a user under the age of thirteen as part of the Site, we will delete such information from our records. If we change our practices in the future, we will obtain prior, verifiable parental consent before collecting any personally identifiable information from children under the age of thirteen as part of the Site.
• Because we do not collect any personally identifiable information from children under the age of thirteen as part of the Site, we also do NOT knowingly distribute such information to third parties.
• We do NOT knowingly allow children under the age of thirteen to publicly post or otherwise distribute personally identifiable contact information through the Site.
• Because we do not collect any personally identifiable information from children under the age of thirteen as part of the Site, we do NOT condition the participation of a child under thirteen in the Site’s online activities on providing personally identifiable information.

  Changes to this privacy policy

Horizons Developmental Resource Center has the discretion to update this privacy policy at any time. When we do, we will revise the updated date at the bottom of this page. We encourage Users to frequently check this page for any changes to stay informed about how we are helping to protect the personal information we collect. You acknowledge and agree that it is your responsibility to review this privacy policy periodically and become aware of modifications.

Your acceptance of these terms

By using this Site, you signify your acceptance of this policy. If you do not agree to this policy, please do not use our Site. Your continued use of the Site following the posting of changes to this policy will be deemed your acceptance of those changes.

Contacting us

If you have any questions about this Privacy Policy, the practices of this site, or your dealings with this site, please contact us at:

Horizons Developmental Resource Center www.DrBeurkens.com 3120 68th Street SE Caledonia, MI 49316 616-698-0306 info(at)drbeurkens.com This document was last updated on May 30, 2016

Integer posuere erat a ante venenatis dapibus posuere velit aliquet. Maecenas faucibus mollis interdum. Etiam porta sem malesuada magna mollis euismod. Donec ullamcorper nulla non metus auctor fringilla.

GET A FREE CHAPTER

Read the first chapter to see if you find it helpful. It’s my free gift to you!

What to Do When Your Child Refuses to Go to School

Why you shouldn't give in..

Updated July 10, 2023 | Reviewed by Tyler Woods

• What Is Anxiety?
• Find a therapist to overcome anxiety
• Social-emotional challenges are normal for school children.
• School refusal can be a symptom of a diagnosable issue like anxiety.
• Avoiding school does not diminish a child's anxiety and may actually worsen it.
• Parents and schools can work together to teach children how to manage their feelings.

It’s always difficult to hear your children yelling or sobbing that they don’t want to go to school. You may be even more sensitive to their reluctance and anxiety because of what an unpredictable place school has felt like for the past two years. So, what do you do when you have scrambled to get all your kids’ school supplies and clothes ready for school only to find that you now must coax them to get there? How do you coach 50 pounds or more of pure resistance to leave the house?

It often seems easiest to pick the path of least resistance. If they tell you they have a sore throat, you may wonder if they really are coming down with something and rationalize keeping them home—especially since sending even slightly sick children to school is frowned upon these days. But there are negative consequences to giving in to your children’s requests to stay home. First, their anxiety about going to school is not likely to diminish and may actually get worse. This is because staying home with you, especially for young children, is comforting and highly valued. Many kids don’t get a lot of one-on-one time with their parents, whether due to their own activities or their parents’ busy schedules. As a result, staying home from school will be very rewarding for your children because they see it as special Mommy or Daddy time they wouldn’t normally get on a school day. After a taste of that, what do you think they are going to choose in the future: going back to school or being with you?

While your children may feel better at home than at school, the social cost of their avoiding school is a clear disadvantage. Many educators and school psychologists like me have seen children struggle with socioemotional challenges like turn-taking, not getting their way, a chilling word from someone, social comparison when a classmate can read a passage more quickly, or a teacher with an unfamiliar teaching style. All these normal situations are moments for learning and growth, but they can’t happen if your child isn’t at school. Practice makes perfect, and when your children have significantly less time to practice, their skills are less well-developed.

A parent whom I have known for years recently told me that even though it was hard for her at the time, she is glad now that her daughter had some difficult stretches in elementary and middle school because without them, she would be too fragile at college without her parents to help her navigate tricky but common situations. Many children have missed out on social practice in the past couple of years due to fewer in-person interactions, and what practice they have had has often been with social distancing or masked peers. Both of these safety modifications altered interactions that kids previously experienced, changing their ability to learn from facial cues and physical contact.

School refusal can be a symptom of diagnosable issues, like anxiety. Many children who display school refusal are also anxious and have either separation anxiety, social anxiety , or generalized anxiety. Separation anxiety is more common in younger children who worry about leaving their parent or caregiver . Social anxiety or performance anxiety tends to occur in older children who worry about how their peers will judge them. And generalized anxiety disorder occurs when people worry about multiple situations, which for children, often includes their performance in the classroom.

One thing we have learned about anxiety is that avoiding situations that make us anxious only makes our anxiety stronger. It doesn’t teach us that we can tolerate unpleasant feelings or that what we fear most will probably not happen. However, people can learn to alter unpleasant feelings in situations that make them anxious by using self-talk , breathing exercises, and distraction to get a handle on their anxiety.

So, what can you do as a parent? First, reach out to your pediatrician if your children are sharing physical complaints. You want to rule out any medical reason for their symptoms. This is not to say that anxiety doesn’t sometimes manifest itself in physical symptoms, but you want to make sure you don’t overlook a medical issue by assuming the physical complaints are due to anxiety. Next, connect with the school so that teachers and administrators know what’s going on and so you can partner with them to develop a plan that will be successful for your children.

A cognitive behavioral plan is commonly employed. This strategy focuses primarily on your children’s cognitions (thoughts and worries) and behavior (the avoidance). It teaches children that their anxiety is a warning signal to them, and that they can learn to tamp down the intensity of their body’s warning signals. They are given techniques to practice that help them manage the intensity of these physical symptoms and begin to realize that they can tolerate a certain amount of anxiety. They are also taught how to challenge the thoughts they may be having that increase their anxiety and that are often inaccurate assessments and exaggerations of the truth.

For more in-depth guidance there are some excellent programs and books. A research-based online program called Coping Cats was developed by Phillip Kendall and Muniya Khanna and has been proven highly effective, and its price is lower than that of most single therapy sessions. There are both a child and a parent component, and you purchase access to the program for different lengths of time. There is also an excellent book written by Tamar Chansky, Freeing Your Child from Anxiety . Strategies recommended by both sets of clinicians target coping, teach how to challenge negative self-talk, and encourage positive self-talk that reflects upon past experiences of success. Parent training, goal setting, and rewarding the child for effort and goal attainment are also often part of a plan.

With younger kids, your approach can be less gradual, in part because theirs is more likely a general anxiety about separation that can likely be addressed with a few days of school success. For the older child, for whom it may be more likely that a particular trauma or event is at the root of the avoidance, gradual re-entry may be the best strategy. The plan may be for the student to be present for shortened days or with lower work demands or with additional academic support if the anxiety is connected to or associated with performance anxiety. The bottom line is that even if it seems easier in the short term to let your child stay home from school, the long-term effects of reinforcing their avoidance can have a lasting negative impact on their social and emotional development as well as on their academic achievement.

Pamela D. Brown, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist, certified school psychologist, and licensed professional counselor with over 20 years of professional experience.

• Find a Therapist
• Find a Treatment Center
• Find a Psychiatrist
• Find a Support Group
• Find Online Therapy
• United States
• Brooklyn, NY
• Chicago, IL
• Houston, TX
• Los Angeles, CA
• New York, NY
• Portland, OR
• San Diego, CA
• San Francisco, CA
• Seattle, WA
• Washington, DC
• Asperger's
• Bipolar Disorder
• Chronic Pain
• Eating Disorders
• Passive Aggression
• Personality
• Goal Setting
• Positive Psychology
• Stopping Smoking
• Low Sexual Desire
• Relationships
• Child Development
• Therapy Center NEW
• Diagnosis Dictionary
• Types of Therapy

Understanding what emotional intelligence looks like and the steps needed to improve it could light a path to a more emotionally adept world.

• Emotional Intelligence
• Gaslighting
• Affective Forecasting
• Neuroscience

• Trying to Conceive
• Signs & Symptoms
• Pregnancy Tests
• Fertility Testing
• Fertility Treatment
• Weeks & Trimesters
• Staying Healthy
• Preparing for Baby
• Complications & Concerns
• Pregnancy Loss
• Breastfeeding
• School-Aged Kids
• Raising Kids
• Personal Stories
• Everyday Wellness
• Safety & First Aid
• Immunizations
• Food & Nutrition
• Active Play
• Pregnancy Products
• Nursery & Sleep Products
• Nursing & Feeding Products
• Clothing & Accessories
• Toys & Gifts
• Ovulation Calculator
• Pregnancy Due Date Calculator
• How to Talk About Postpartum Depression
• Editorial Process
• Meet Our Review Board

How to Get Your Child to Do What You Ask the First Time

Stephanie Rausser / Getty Images

Much to the universal dismay of moms and dads, children often ignore requests and directions from their parents. Sometimes kids don't hear what's being communicated and other times they forget your instructions. Additionally, they might purposefully ignore what they hear the first time. They do this because they don't want to oblige, are too distracted to focus on your request, are waging a form of protest, or are are attempting to continue a desired behavior.

While this listening issue may sort itself out as a child matures, there are steps you can take to set expectations for responsiveness and begin to curb this behavior. This starts with making some adjustments in how you ask your child to do what you say.

Repeating requests over and over— get up and brush your teeth, start your homework, clean up your room —is an energy burner and source of great frustration for many parents. In many cases, parents fall into a pattern of always making several requests of a child.

You might tell your child to do something, then tell them again 10 minutes later, and again 30 minutes later, only realizing at that point that they still haven't done what you asked. When you have to ask your child to do something for what seems like the umpteenth time, frustration builds up and your reaction is often not a calm one. This is how a simple request becomes a source of tension and conflict.

How to Get Your Child to Comply

Before you get too angry, it's important to note that your child may not be ignoring you on purpose. They really might not have heard you or have forgotten, as kid's working memory is not as efficient as you might expect. Also, they may fully intend to do what you're asking but just play to do it later. But there are a variety of strategies you can use to get your child to do what you ask the first time.

Get Their Attention

Science has proven that when children become immersed in what they are doing, they don't pay attention to what is going on around them. In fact, the research points out that kids under the age of 14 lack "peripheral awareness," which means that if your child is focused on a toy, book, game, or TV show when you ask them to do something, their brain is tuned into that activity and not much more.

That means that, at the very least, you must make eye contact when you request that your child do something. It works best if you can go up to them, touch their arm or rest a hand on their shoulder, and get down to eye level. Encourage them to make eye contact with you in return and repeat what you have just asked them to do. That way you both know that the request was made and heard.

If you are busy in another room, ask your child to come to you before you make your request.

Change Your Approach

If you have approached your child as above and it still takes repeated nagging or begging on your part to get them to do as you say, then you may need a new game plan. Many children have developed several strategies to put things off as long as possible. Kids don’t quite understand the consequences of not doing undesirable tasks and are more motivated by what brings them joy, rather than what has to get done.

The fact of the matter is that most adults wouldn't categorize these activities as fun either. So, children learn to distract parents by whining, bringing up something else to do at that moment, starting an argument, or just downright ignoring the request. To curb your child from stalling or ignoring you, you will need to put a little bit more time and attention in the way you approach the situation.

Breaking a child's tendency to ignore you or resist cooperating when you say something the first time will take time and some practice on your part. However, the results will be less frustration, anger, and stress for you, and hopefully more respect, compliance, and self-discipline from your child.

It's best to start practicing these steps with a request that does not require you to leave the house soon afterward. At the beginning of the exercise, there may be tantrums and lengthy explanations, which all take some considerable time.

Set a Time Frame

Decide in your own mind what you want the child to do and the time frame you will accept for their compliance (immediately, within 15 minutes, etc.) Check in with yourself about the reason behind your choices and whether that actually matches your request.

Be Specific

Don't phrase your request as a question. Tell them specifically what you want them to do in a direct way. For example, rather than asking, "Can you please go brush your teeth now?" say, "Please go brush your teeth right now so you can get to bed on time."

Watch for Compliance

It's easy to give an instruction and pivot back to what you were doing beforehand. At the beginning of this practice, avoid doing so. Check immediately to see if what you requested was done. That way, your child has accountability and knows you are serious about them complying with the request.

Check for Understanding

If they don't begin doing what you asked or don't complete the task, calmly ask them "What did I ask you to do?" Make sure the child is clear about what is expected. If they can correctly tell you, say, "That's good, now please get to it."

Praise Success

If your child does what you asked, tell them what a good job they did and how much you appreciate them taking action. It's easy to forget to do this, but remembering to reinforce the compliance with praise can go a long way in reinforcing this behavior.

Give Fair Warning

If they don't do what you asked after the first or second request, then it's time to explain why you are asking them to do that specific task and what the consequences are if they don't comply. Just repeating “because I said so” is not effective and may lead to other issues with compliance.

If possible, show your child the actual impact of their behavior so that they know that your requests are not arbitrary. An example of this is to let your child know that if they don't do something you have requested, it affects others.

For example: “Please go brush your teeth right now. Bedtime is in 15 minutes. If you don't brush your teeth right now, there won't be any time left to read a story tonight. Daddy really looks forward to reading with you before bed and I know you enjoy reading with him, too."

Be Consistent and Follow Through

If your reasonable request is followed up by more defiance and temper tantrums, then it is time to follow through with the consequence you have set. Be firm and keep at it. Consistency with this step is key to letting your child know that you are serious when you make a request the first time.

These steps may seem ineffective the first several times you employ them but stick with it. Eventually, both of you will get used to the method. You will get better at phrasing your requests firmly and purposefully the first time, and your child will come to understand that you do not ask arbitrary or unreasonable requests of them.

Waterman AH, Atkinson AL, Aslam SS, Holmes J, Jaroslawska A, Allen RJ. Do actions speak louder than words? Examining children's ability to follow instructions .  Mem Cognit . 2017;45(6):877-890. doi:10.3758/s13421-017-0702-7

Remington A, Cartwright-Finch U, Lavie N. I can see clearly now: the effects of age and perceptual load on inattentional blindness .  Front Hum Neurosci . 2014;8. doi:10.3389/fnhum.2014.00229

American Academy of Pediatrics. What's the best way to discipline my child? Reviewed November 5, 2018.

Remington A, Cartwright-Finch U, Lavie N. I can see clearly now: the effects of age and perceptual load on inattentional blindness .  Frontiers in Human Neuroscience . 2014;8.

By Kimberly L. Keith, M.Ed, LPC Kimberly L. Keith, M.Ed., LPC, is a counselor, parent educator, and advocate for children and families in the court and community. 

Home / Expert Articles / Parenting Strategies & Techniques / Consequences & Rewards

Kids Who Ignore Consequences: 10 Ways to Make Them Stick

By james lehman, msw.

Does your child ignore every consequence you give him? James Lehman can help with 10 specific ways to make consequences work—even for the most resistant child.

When kids are faced with something unpleasant, they’ll often act like it doesn’t matter to them. When your child says, “I don’t care,” or seems unaffected when you give him a consequence , what he’s really saying is, “You can’t hurt me.”

That’s because receiving a consequence makes kids feel powerless. Their sense of self almost requires them to respond by shrugging and saying, “Whatever,” simply in order to feel in control again.

Focus on what you want your child to learn from the consequence—not whether or not he’s going to care.

Personally, I don’t think parents should worry too much when their child appears not to be affected. Instead, I think you should focus on what you want your child to learn from the consequence—not whether or not he’s going to care.

In fact, I think trying to get your child to care is a misdirected goal. Don’t put so much weight on making him “hurt” that you’re not thinking about trying to get your child to learn a new behavior. If your child can stop you in your tracks by saying “I don’t care,” you’re giving him way too much power.

To put it another way, if you’re looking for your child to surrender, forget about it. A consequence is not designed to make your child say, “I’m sorry, Mom, I was wrong.” Rather, it’s there to help your child change his behavior.

Think of it this way. The consequence for not following the speed limit is that you might get a speeding ticket. You may shrug and say, “Whatever,” to the police officer when he pulls you over, but that won’t stop him from giving you that ticket. And if you say, “I don’t care,” he’ll say, “Well, here you go, sir. Have a good day.” He won’t argue with you. He’ll simply hand you the ticket and walk away.

In my opinion, you have to be like that police officer when giving your child a consequence. Don’t get sucked into an argument when your teen says, “I don’t care,” because that argument brings you down to his level—and that’s what he’s looking for. Instead, just say:

“All right, fine, but you’re still going to lose your cell phone for 48 hours.”

Then simply turn around and leave the room.

Again, if you’re trying to get your child to care about the consequence you give him, that’s like trying to get him to like you. You shouldn’t try to control his emotional life. Just say:

“These are the consequences.”

And even if he says he doesn’t care, let him know that he will encounter them again if he breaks the rules.

Here are 10 tips for how to give consequences that work—even when kids say they don’t care.

1. Use Consequences That Have Meaning

It’s almost never effective to give your child a consequence in the heat of an argument. Often, parents will be either too harsh or too lenient, because nothing appropriate comes to mind immediately.

I advise parents to sit down and write a “consequences list.” You can think of this as a menu of choices. When compiling this list, keep in mind that you want the consequence to be unpleasant, because you want your child to feel uncomfortable. It’s also important to think about the lesson you want him to learn—and this lesson should be attached to the consequence.

If, like most teens, your child’s cell phone has meaning for him, don’t be shy about using it as leverage. So let’s say your child curses and is rude to his sister, and you want him to learn how to manage his feelings. I think an effective consequence might be that he would lose his cell phone until he doesn’t curse and isn’t rude to his sister for 24 hours.

In those 24 hours, he might also have to write a note of apology to his sibling stating what he’ll do differently the next time he gets frustrated. If he fails to write the letter, he doesn’t get his phone back—and the 24 hours starts all over again.

2. Don’t Try to Appeal to His Emotions with Speeches

Remember, your job is not to get your child to love his sister or to appeal to his emotions with a speech because all he will hear is, “Your sister looks up to you, blah, blah, blah.”

Your job is to take his phone and say:

“Hey, we talk to each other nicely around here. And if you can’t do that, then you can’t use the phone. We’ll talk about giving it back to you after you talk nicely to your family for 24 hours.”

3. Make Consequences Black and White

When you give a consequence, the simpler you keep things, the better. Again, you don’t want to get into details and long speeches. What you want to do is lay out your consequences for your child’s inappropriate behavior very clearly.

It’s often helpful if he knows ahead of time what will happen when he acts out. The consequences for your child’s behavior should be clear to him. Tell him:

“If you talk nastily to your sister, this is what’s going to happen from now on.”

And whenever you’re going to introduce an idea to your child that may be unsettling, anxiety-provoking, or frustrating to him, do it when things are going well, not when everybody’s screaming at each other. Wait until a calm moment and then lay out the consequences simply and clearly.

4. Talk to Your Child About Effective Problem-Solving

I think it’s vitally important to have problem-solving conversations with your child after an incident has occurred. When things are going well, you can say:

“If you get frustrated with your sister in the future, what can you do differently, other than to call her names? Let’s make a list.”

You might help generate some ideas by saying:

“Instead of calling her names, how about going to your room and listening to some music for a few minutes? Could you do that?”

And try to help your child come up with his own ideas. He might say, “If she follows me around the house, I’ll go to my room.”

You can then say:

“All right, why don’t we try that? For the rest of today, if your sister bothers you, pick one thing that you’re going to do from this list and see if it’s helpful.”

Conversations like these are how you get your child to think about alternative solutions other than yelling at his sister, name-calling, or acting out.

Look at it this way: we all get frustrated, we all get angry, and we all get anxious. But everyone has to learn to deal with those feelings appropriately. And a problem-solving conversation is the most effective way to talk with your child about change.

5. Don’t Get Sucked into an Argument over Consequences

Don’t accept every invitation to argue with your child. Understand that he wants you to get upset so he can drag you into a fight.

Your child also wants to show you that he’s not hurt by the consequence you’ve given him. Believe me, I understand that it’s annoying and frustrating as a parent. Kids will try to push your buttons by saying: “Who cares. Whatever.” But don’t get sucked into it. Just say:

“All right, it’s too bad that you don’t care. That means it’s just going to happen more often.”

Then go do something else. And remember, while you don’t want to get sucked into a power struggle, you also don’t want to destroy your child’s pride by demeaning him. You just want him to stop talking poorly to his sister.

6. Don’t Teach Your Child How to “Do Time”

Many parents get frustrated and ground their kids for long periods of time in order to make the punishment stick. Personally, I think that’s a mistake.

If you simply ground your child, you’re teaching him to do time. And he won’t learn anything new. But if you ground him until he accomplishes certain things, you can greatly increase the effectiveness of the consequence.

I always say to make your consequences task-oriented, not time-oriented. So if your child loses his video game privileges for 24 hours, he should be doing something within that time frame that helps him improve his behavior. Simply grounding him from his video games for a week will just teach him how to wait until he can get them back—not how to behave more appropriately. Many parents believe the key to making consequences effective is to get a bigger hammer, but that’s not a sound teaching method. And it’s ineffective.

Think about it, if you ground him for 30 days and then he does something wrong tomorrow, what are you going to do? Ground him for 40 days? It won’t be effective at that point. And you probably won’t stick to it anyway. You are basically out of grounding ammunition!

But, if you ground him for 24 hours, then if he misbehaves again later in the week, you can ground him again. Again, we want consequences to be learning experiences. A consequence that doesn’t fit the crime will just seem meaningless to your child, and won’t get you the desired result.

Remember, you don’t want to be so punitive that your child simply gives up. And you don’t want to use up all your consequences ammunition all at once. It’s ineffective and doesn’t translate to better behavior. And better behavior IS the goal.

7. Engage Your Child’s Self-interest

Learn to ask questions in ways that appeal to your child’s self-interest. So for example, you might say:

“What are you going to do the next time you think Dad is being unfair so you won’t get into trouble?”

In other words, you’re trying to engage his self-interest. If your child is a teenager, he won’t care about how Dad feels. Adolescents are frequently very detached from the feelings of others, particularly their parents. They might feel guilty and say they’re sorry later, but you’ll see the behavior happen again.

So learn to appeal to their self-interest, and ask him the question:

“What can you do so you don’t get in trouble next time?”

Put it in his best interests. Say to him:

“Understand, if you’re going to talk to your sister meanly or curse at her, things are only going to get worse for you, not better. I know you want to keep your phone, so let’s think of ways for you to be able to do that.”

8. Learn to Know If a Consequence Is Working

Parents often say to me, “My child acts like he doesn’t care. So how do I know if the consequence I’m giving him is actually working?”

I always tell them, “It’s simple—you’ll know it’s working as long as he’s being held accountable.” Accountability gives you the best chance for change.

Think again about the police officer who gives the speeding ticket. Does he actually believe that a single speeding ticket ensures that a driver never speeds again? Of course not. But, the officer knows that if he holds the speeder accountable every time that even the worst offenders eventually learn to slow down.

9. Don’t Take Away Important Events

In my opinion, there are certain things that should never be taken away from kids. For instance, you should never prohibit your child from going to the prom. Not ever. That’s a milestone in your child’s life.

Personally, I think that milestones should not be taken away. Your child is not going to learn anything from that experience. He’s just going to be bitter.

I also believe that sports should not be taken away. I have no problem with kids missing a practice if that’s part of a consequence, but taking away the sport entirely is not a good idea.

10. Don’t Show Disgust or Disdain

When giving consequences to your child, be consistent and firm, but don’t show disgust or disdain.

In my opinion, you should never be sarcastic with your child because it’s wounding. What you’re trying to do is raise someone who can function, not somebody who feels they’re a constant disappointment to you.

It’s very important to shape your behavior so that your child knows you’re not taking his mistakes personally. Remember, the look on your face and the tone of your voice communicates a lot more to your child than your words do. Positive regard is critical for getting your message across.

A Final Thought

I think it’s important to remember that life is really a struggle for many kids. Going to school is difficult, both academically and socially, and there is tremendous pressure on children and teens to perform today.

Personally, I think that kids should be recognized and respected for that. Think of it this way: what you’re really trying to do is work on your child’s behavior to get him to try to do different things.

So if your child misbehaves and you ground him from everything indefinitely, you’re losing sight of all the other things he did right. And he will, too.

Instead, we want to look at inappropriate behavior as a mistake your child makes. Parents often wonder why their kids make the same mistakes over and over, and I say, “Well, they do that because they’re kids. They’re not pretending. They perceive things very differently than adults do.”

We want our kids to learn, so we use the things they enjoy as leverage to teach them better behavior. After all, giving your child a consequence until he shows you he can do better is an effective tool you have at your disposal at all times—even if he tells you he doesn’t care.

Related content: How to Get Your Child to Listen: 9 Secrets to Giving Effective Consequences Ask Parent Coaching: What to Do When Your Child Says “I Don’t Care”

Empowering Parents Podcast: Apple, Spotify

About James Lehman, MSW

James Lehman, who dedicated his life to behaviorally troubled youth, created The Total Transformation® , The Complete Guide to Consequences™ , Getting Through To Your Child™ , and Two Parents One Plan™ , from a place of professional and personal experience. Having had severe behavioral problems himself as a child, he was inspired to focus on behavioral management professionally. Together with his wife, Janet Lehman, he developed an approach to managing children and teens that challenges them to solve their own problems without hiding behind disrespectful, obnoxious or abusive behavior. Empowering Parents now brings this insightful and impactful program directly to homes around the globe.

You must log in to leave a comment. Don't have an account? Create one for free!

I'm on year 24 as a parent. I'm burnt out, completely. I'd like to say I've learned a great deal, but the resounding truth seems to be people are who they are. Not one of my 7 children (24 down to 8) has ever cared about being part of a family, cleaning up after themselves, reaching a goal, or being respectful.

You can give any consequence you like. They do not care. They just ignore you for weeks, months, or days. I am really good at sticking to a consequence. When you tell them they are not to have an item they cherish, they put all their stuff in a pile in the hall. You can call their bluff. They will not request it back. Years could pass. I ended up donating quite a few boxes, when some hit adulthood.

My middle, and younger children are fighters. I hate fighting. My husband is physically ill from all the bickering. We came from that environment, and we like reasonable conversations. We raised them in this normal speaking voice, because shouting and hitting is insane. They won't talk about tweaking their behavior. They just shrug and walk away. One kid is on day 44 of doing absolutely nothing. She has only stated, "I'm not a robot."

I have forgotten why I wanted to be a parent. I was raised around DOZENS of kids. I knew they were gross, whiny, and stubborn. My children take the cake. They have taken weaponized incompetence, and strapped nuclear programming to it.

I don't have extended family support. They are screamers. Plus, my oldest son still pops by to scream at me every couple of weeks.

I have failed miserably. I'm tired of people treating me like a trash can.

My 10 year old was asked on a school project, what I like to do. She wrote, "Clean". Next to mom's hobby's "Clean". What is your mom's job "Clean"

What is your mom's favorite possession? "Vacuum"

I'm an object to my family, even though I spent decades teaching them how to treat people well.

Gavin thanks

None of this worked. My 12 year old isn't allowed on the internet (never has been). He has some games that are online, but no surfing the internet. So, someone at school told him about a youtuber and this game stream he does. The kid made it sound really cool to him and he came home and downloaded youtube to his ps. It's been a constant battle ever since.In the 18 months he's started getting into more and more trouble at school as a result. We tell him no delete the app and take away the ps for a few days (between 2 and 5 days depending on how long it shows he's had it). The same kid tells him we're too over protective and need to get a life.

We've tried just banning the show. taking away the ps. Rewarding him for days he doesn't have the app. Talking to him about why he can't have it. Doing group punishment were his little brother receives the same. Physical punishments. Nothing works...nothing. In just a few days he redownload the app and we start all over. We are now moving into a phase were both child will only be allowed 30 minutes on the ps for the entire day and have to give up their controllers once the time has elapsed, but I dont think this will work either.

Carolyn My son is homeschooled due to anxiety etc at school. He makes friends relatively easily but lately he has not been responding well to parents of other children who give him discipline or consequences (i.e. remove a toy that the kids were arguing over). He literally shuts down and won't More talk to the parent and often the child either, even if I'm present. I'm really not sure what to do about it as I worry that he won't have many friends if he continues this way. As I said we have met several new kids this year already and he is great with them but when something doesn't go his way it goes downhill fast. He responds very well to a reward chart (i.e. points or something for doing things) and step ladders so thinking something like this might work with friendships too but we are currently in the middle of tweaking his behaviour at home which has also been a bit off the rails in the last few months.

Chris After reading this article and comments below this describes my son. He lies non stop about EVERYTHING! He disobeys and does things that he knows is wrong. When asked why he does this stuff all he says is "I don't know." He doesn't stop to think about his actions or More the consequences that come with them. It's like a thought pops in his head and he instantly does it without thinking about it. We just don't know what to do anymore. :(

I agree with most things in this article . I have a 14 year old daughter who is just terrible. She has been physically violent towards me, stollen money from us, ditches class, poor grades, and just defiant. I'm not sure where the line is to give her punishments. Her behavior is unacceptable. I need help. Any suggestions? Mom of 2

I agree with almost everything in this article. We have a very defiant 13 year old, but most of these techniques are very effective. One of my favorites is making them earn back what they lose in the way of privileges with out just "doing time". i.e. He has to clean up his room and keep it clean for so many days if he wants access to a play room where the TV is.

But one that's kind of a "maybe" for me is this one:

"In my opinion, there are certain things that should never be taken away from kids. For instance, you should never prohibit your child from going to the prom. Not ever. "

I sympathize with the reasoning behind this. I really do. A teenager may have a moment of stupid bad behavior, and taking away something like the prom is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that he would miss out on and never be able to enjoy for the rest of his life.

The problem, however, is that children quickly figure out when certain privileges are "Holy Grails" - they are so important, so once-in-a-lifetime, or so ingrained in the family lifestyle that there is no way they will be taken away. And a truly defiant child will capitalize on this, taking advantage and being a maximum jerk on the eve of these events, because they know they cannot be taken away.

At moments like this, you *must* do away with sentiment and family tradition, and take away the privilege. A defiant kid must know that NOTHING is really ever "off the table" if they are going to push hard enough.

Renae I am having issues with my 10 year old daughter. She was diagnosed with ADHD and cannot seem to get her behavior under control. She is constantly stealing a cell phone or a tablet within the house. We have tried to take away the electronics. She lies about More everything and is too quick to tell a lie rather than to tell the truth. We have tried everything from taking things away all the way to spanking when deserved. Doctor says to talk to a behaviorist for other ideas. But I have a feeling that they are going to tell me to do things that we have already tried.

KimHardly Nice article,

RebeccaW_ParentalSupport AshleyAid I hear you.  It can be so frustrating when you have a child who doesn’t seem to care about consequences or the impact of his actions.  It’s actually pretty normal for https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/kids-and-excuses-why-children-justify-their-behavior/ as a way of avoiding responsibility for their actions.  After all, if it’s someone else’s fault, or More you are just giving him consequences because you’re mean or unfair, then he doesn’t have to change his behavior.  Something else to keep in mind is that consequences by themselves do not change behavior, because they do not teach a child what to do differently.  In order to help your son change his behavior, it could be useful to assist him in developing more appropriate skills.  You might find our article series, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/why-consequences-arent-enough-part-1-how-to-coach-your-child-to-better-behavior/ and https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/why-consequences-arent-enough-part-2-making-child-behavior-changes-that-last/, helpful as you continue to address your son’s behavior.  Please be sure to write back and let us know how things are going for you and your family.  Take care.

What do I do? my daughter is 6 and was only 6 in July. I have problems with her behaviour at home and the teacher also do at school. She just doesn't listen and she is very angry and negative. I feel so drained and it's effecting us all as a family as her older brother and sister just say why is she like this!!! I have also contacted a family link worker which didn't solve anything. I just don't know what to do.

Kind regards Claire

Clairelcoaker 

I’m sorry to hear

about the challenges you are experiencing with your daughter, and I’m glad that

you are reaching out for support, both here and in your local community. 

It can be very draining when you are around someone who is constantly angry and

negative, and this doesn’t change simply because it is your child.  We

have many articles and other resources which address these topics here on our

site.  Here are some you might find useful to start with: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/defiant-young-children-and-toddlers-5-things-not-to-do/ and https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/negative-children-how-to-deal-with-a-complaining-child-or-teen/.  Please be

sure to let us know if you have additional questions; take care.

I hope you don't mind me responding. I just thought on the off-chance this could help you I couldn't leave it. I have a 9 year old who we have had similar issues with for years. In fact both of your comments struck a chord with me as you could be talking about my son. We have always followed a positive parenting style but we got to the point where nothing was working. I have four kids and it works fine with them. It was tearing out family apart. I recently found out he has the MTHFR gene mutation and very high Pyrolle levels. Since getting his biochemistry right, which we've done through a holistic doctor and naturopath (we are still working on it but 3 months in and we are seeing great changes) we are able to coach and parent him in a positive way and see results, for the first time ever. I can't tell you how much this is changing the dynamics of our family. He is still by far the most challenging in our household but he is SO much better! He still has his massive 'episodes' but they are shorter and fewer. We are re-training him to deal with things and its sticking because he has the ability to process it now.

I don't know if this might help, I really hope it does. Good luck and hang in there mumma xx

Thank you for

responding, and I recognize how stressful it can be when it feels like most of

your interactions with your daughter are either arguments or addressing poor

behavior.  Something that can be helpful is to prioritize all the issues

you are facing with your daughter’s behavior, and only focus on the top one or

two.  In this way, you can prevent becoming overwhelmed, as well as

building some positive interactions with your daughter.  Sara Bean offers

more tips in her article, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/in-over-your-head-how-to-improve-your-childs-behavior-and-regain-control-as-a-parent/.  Take care.

Thank you so much!

I had no ideia what to do with my son...

 He is driving me nuts. 

You help me so much..

.thank you!

ErickaL My daughter started pushing me around as soon as I took away her phone, and now is demanding it back, even though I am not giving in, she is now threatening me by not wanting to go to school so that I can get in trouble for truancy! That if More she can't have her way, then I'm going down!

You ask a great question. Truthfully, the purpose of a

consequence is to

hold a child accountable for his behavior while also offering him the

opportunity to learn how to make better choices in the future. Therefore, it’s important

to follow through with any consequence once it’s given. With that said, there

may be times when a parent gives a consequence in the heat of the moment that,

in hindsight, may be extreme. In those situations, a parent can go back after

things have calmed down and revisit what the consequence will be. Janet Lehman

gives tips for how to do this in her article https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/child-discipline-consequences-and-effective-parenting/. I hope this helps to

answer your question. Take care.

My 14 year old son acts in the way you describe. He also acts this way with his teachers resulting in him being suspended. If we ground him he leaves the house regardless. He often goes to friends houses where we don't know where they live and the parents are unaware of his behaviour, or In some cases, are led to believe is being mistreated at home. He comes home When he wants.

My wife and I feel totally powerless

My daughter is doing the same thing. She got into trouble and was grounded from her phone and fun. So she just left and I don't know where she goes. No amount of punishment, understanding, talking, etc has helped. She just wants her way, to do what ever she wants.

She blames everything on me.

Mimi My 11yo old is the same exact way! I am over my he's and just don't know what to do anymore. Have you found anything that has helped?

Responses to questions posted on EmpoweringParents.com are not intended to replace qualified medical or mental health assessments. We cannot diagnose disorders or offer recommendations on which treatment plan is best for your family. Please seek the support of local resources as needed. If you need immediate assistance, or if you and your family are in crisis, please contact a qualified mental health provider in your area, or contact your statewide crisis hotline.

We value your opinions and encourage you to add your comments to this discussion. We ask that you refrain from discussing topics of a political or religious nature. Unfortunately, it's not possible for us to respond to every question posted on our website.

• 1. “Why Don't Consequences Work for My Teen?” Here’s Why…and How to Fix It
• 2. “Which Consequence Should I Give My Child or Teen?” How to Create a List of Consequences and Rewards for Children
• 3. How to Discipline Your Child: Effective Consequences for Children Who Don't Listen
• 4. How to Get Your Child to Listen: 9 Secrets to Giving Effective Consequences
• 5. How to Give Kids Consequences That Work
• 140,000+ Subscribers Subscribe
• 50,000+ Fans Follow
• 10,000+ Followers Follow
• 6,000+ Followers Follow

Disrespect... defiance... backtalk... lack of motivation...

Frustrated and exhausted by your child's behavior?

Get your FREE Personal Parenting Plan today.

Does your child exhibit angry outbursts , such as tantrums, lashing out, punching walls, and throwing things?

Would you like to learn about how to use consequences more effectively?

Backtalk... complaints... arguments... attitude... just plain ignoring you

Do you struggle with disrespect or verbal abuse from your child?

Has your child been diagnosed with oppositional defiant disorder (ODD)?

Or does your child exhibit a consistent and severe pattern of anger, irritability, arguing, defiance, and vindictiveness toward you or other authority figures?

Intimidation... aggression... physical abuse and violence ...

Are you concerned that your child may physically hurt you or others?

You must select at least one category to create your Personal Parenting Plan:

We're just about finished! Create a secure account with Empowering Parents to access your Personal Parenting Plan.

• Middle School
• High School
• College & Admissions
• Social Life
• Health & Sexuality
• Stuff We Love

• Meet the Team
• Our Advisory Board
• In the News
• Write for Your Teen
• Campus Visits
• Teen College Life
• Paying for College
• Teen Dating
• Teens and Friends
• Mental Health
• Drugs & Alcohol
• Physical Health
• Teen Sexuality
• Communication
• Celebrity Interviews

My Teen Won’t Do Homework. How Can I Fix This?

Meet Jake, a 15-year-old ninth grader, who rarely, if ever, does his homework. Jake’s teachers report that he is inconsistent. He enjoys learning about topics that interest him but seems unfocused during class and fails to complete necessary schoolwork, both in class and at home. Although his grades are suffering , Jake makes no effort to improve his circumstances. His frustrated parents find that their only recourse is nagging and con­stant supervision.

Sound familiar? When a teen won’t do homework , we call this behavior work inhibition. Here are some common characteris­tics of work inhibited students:

• Disorganization
• Lack of follow-through
• Inability to work indepen­dently; more likely to do work when a teacher or par­ent hovers close by
• Lack of focus
• Avoidance of work
• Lack of passion about school, despite ability and intelligence
• Negative attitude; self-conscious and easily discouraged

How can a parent help when a teen refuses to do school homework? First, try to uncover the root of the problem and then devise solutions based on that reason.

3 Reasons Why Teens Don’t Complete Homework and What to Do:

1. missing skills.

The most common rea­son for lack of motivation is a gap in skills. Unplanned absences or a heavy extracurricular load can contribute to skill gaps, even in otherwise bright teens. If you suspect a skill gap, act quickly to have your teen assessed. Your school guidance counselor can recommend the right resources.

2. Poor habits

Poor work habits can also contribute to work inhibition. Try to focus on a work system rather than the work itself with your teen. Set small goals to­gether and teach your teen to set small goals for him or herself. Try to take frequent notice of your teen’s effort and progress.

3. Lack of confidence

Often, students who are work inhibited fear being wrong and won’t ask questions when they need help. Teach your teen that everyone makes mistakes. Help them see these mistakes as another opportunity for learning.

What Parents Can Do to Promote Self-Sufficiency

1. offer limited help with homework.

Parents can offer limited help with homework.  Try to avoid micromanaging the process. When you micromanage, the mes­sage you send is that your teen will fail if you aren’t involved. When you show confidence in your teen’s ability to complete the task with­out you, your teen’s motivation and self-esteem will increase.

3. Resist lecturing

Ask your teen for ways you can help, but don’t lec­ture. Lectures about poor work habits and constant reminders about the negative consequences of unfinished homework can cre­ate more dependency.

3. Empower your teenager

Chores are a great way to empower teens . Delegating demonstrates your confidence in their ability. Try assigning tasks related to an area of interest. If your teen en­joys trying new foods, delegate the preparation and cooking of dinner one night each week.

4. Focus on strengths

Focus on strengths rath­er than pointing out your teen’s faults. When your teen succeeds, give genuine, specific praise. When you need to discuss expectations or problems use a matter-of-fact tone instead of an emotional tone.

Once you and your teen agree on the underlying problem, then the two of you can develop a plan to help create a self-sufficient student.

Martina McIsaac is executive director of Huntington Learning Centers.