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Effective communication skills: resolving conflicts .

Even the happiest of relationships experience conflicts and problems (Markman, Stanley, Blumberg, Jenkins & Whiteley, 2004). If handled well, issues provide opportunities for personal and relationship growth. There are many skills that can help individuals seeking to resolve conflicts in a healthy way. One of the greatest skills that aids in conflict resolution is effective communication.

Common Conflicts

Issues, or conflicts, in relationships consist of any situation, event or experience that is of concern or importance to those involved. A variety of factors lead to conflict, some of which include topics such as money, children, and in-laws, personal issues such as selfesteem, values, expectations, or goals, or relational issues such as the amount of together time versus alone time, support versus control, affection, and communication (Miller & Miller, 1997). While there are seemingly endless reasons for conflicts, they generally surround the underlying needs of all humans including physical, intellectual, emotional, social, and spiritual (Miller & Miller, 1997; Townsend, 2010). Most importantly, how we approach and communicate about these issues often determines the outcome.

Conflicts in Communication

Most people know that in order to resolve conflicts, we need to communicate about the issue; but negative patterns of communication can often lead to greater frustration and escalation of conflict. Consider the following communication challenges:

Body Language/Tone of Voice

Communication is more than the words we choose to use. In fact, our body language and tone of voice often speak louder than our words. For example, shouting “I’m not angry” is not a very convincing message! When we give an incongruent message where our tone of voice and body language does not match our message, confusion and frustration often follow (Gottman & DeClaire, 2001). In order to overcome this communication challenge, we need to be aware of what messages our body language and tone of voice may be sending others. Speak calmly, give eye contact, smile when appropriate, and maintain an open and relaxed posture (Paterson, 2000).

Differences in Style

Each of us has a unique way of communicating, often based on our family experiences, culture, gender and many other factors (Markman et al., 2004; Miller & Miller, 1997). For example, we may tend to be more loud, outgoing, or emotional when compared to our partner. While there is no right or wrong style, our past experiences often lead to expectations that are not usually verbally communicated with others, which can cause tension and misunderstandings in relationships. For example, if we came from a large family that tended to shout in order to be heard, we may think that speaking loudly is normal. But if our partner came from a calmer family environment, he/she may be uncomfortable or even frightened by a raised voice (Markman et al., 2004).

Discussing our backgrounds and perceptions can help to clarify expectations to ourselves and others and can also help our partner to understand our point of view. Knowing this information can often help in the problem solving process.

Communication Roadblocks

Communication roadblocks occur when two people talk in such a way that neither one feels understood. Research has found four particularly negative styles of communication, often referred to as the “four horsemen of the apocalypse,” (Gottman, 1999, p.27) because if left unchecked, these styles of interaction can eventually become lethal to relationships. These styles are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling (Gottman, 1999).

• Criticism attacks the character or personality of another. While it is normal to have complaints about another’s specific actions, it is very different to put them down as a person because of those actions. For example, a complaint might be, “I felt worried when you did not call to tell me that you were going to be home late.” A criticism in the same situation would be expressed as “You are so inconsiderate, you never call me when you are going to be late.” Critiques focus on certain behaviors; criticism negatively focuses on the person’s intentions and character.
• Contempt portrays disgust and a lack of respect for the other person through body language, such as eye rolling or sneering, or by name calling, sarcasm and cutting remarks.
• Defensiveness is a seemingly understandable reaction that individuals take to criticism and contempt; however, it often escalates the conflict. When we are defensive, we tend to stop listening to the other’s viewpoint and communication is shut down.
• Stonewalling is withdrawing from communication and refusing to engage in discussion. In other words, it is the adult version of the “silent treatment” that young children utilize when they are upset. Conflict resolution is impossible without communication!

Some additional examples of communication roadblocks include (Miller & Miller, 1997):

• Ordering (“Stop complaining!”)
• Warning (“If you do that, you’ll be sorry.”)
• Preaching (“You shouldn’t act like that.”)
• Advising (“Just wait a couple of years before deciding.”)
• Lecturing (“If you do this now, you won’t grow up to be a responsible adult.”)
• Agreeing, just to keep the peace (“I think you’re right.”)
• Ridiculing (“OK, little baby.”)
• Interpreting (“You don’t really believe that.”)
• Sympathizing (“Don’t worry, it’ll all work out.”)
• Questioning (“Who put that idea into your head?”)
• Diverting (“Let’s talk about something more pleasant.”)

Communication roadblocks are very common; however, they do not promote healthy conflict resolution and often lead to escalation of the conflict. Recognizing these roadblocks and making efforts to effectively communicate can help individuals overcome roadblocks.

Tips to Resolve Conflict

Soften the startup.

One of the skills to overcome communication roadblocks includes a soft startup to the conversation by starting with something positive, expressing appreciation, focusing on problems one at a time and taking responsibility for thoughts and feelings (Gottman, 1999; Gottman & Declaire, 2001; Patterson, 2000). In addition, when expressing the problem, starting the message with “I” instead of “You” can decrease defensiveness and promote positive interactions with others (Darrington & Brower, 2012). For example, “I want to stay more involved in making decisions about money” rather than “You never include me in financial decisions.”

Make and Receive Repair Attempts.

Another important skill in overcoming communication roadblocks is learning to make and receive repair attempts (Gottman, 1999). Repair attempts are efforts to keep an increasingly negative interaction from going any further by taking a break or making efforts to calm the situation. This is important because when conflicts arise, we often experience intense emotional and physical stress that can impact our ability to think and reason, which can lead to communication roadblocks (Gottman & DeClaire, 2001). Taking time away from the conflict (at least 20 minutes) to calm down can help us be more prepared to discuss the issue (Gottman, 1999; Gottman & DeClaire, 2001; Markman et al, 2004).

Effective Speaking and Listening Skills

Overcoming communication roadblocks requires effective speaking and listening skills. Markman, Stanley and Blumberg (2010) share what they call the “speaker-listener” technique to help individuals more effectively communicate. Each partner takes turns being the speaker and the listener.    

The rules for the speaker include (Markman et al., 2004; Markman, Stanley & Blumberg, 2010):

• The speaker should share his/her own thoughts, feelings and concerns—not what he/she thinks the listener’s concerns are.
• Use “I” statements when speaking to accurately express thoughts and feelings.
• Keep statements short, to ensure the listener does not get overwhelmed with information.
• Stop after each short statement so that the listener can paraphrase, or repeat back in his/her own words, what was said to ensure he/she understands. If the paraphrase is not quite right, gently rephrase the statement again to help the listener understand.

The rules for the listener include:

• Paraphrase what the speaker is saying. If unclear, ask for clarification. Continue until the speaker indicates the message was received correctly.
• Don’t argue or give opinion about what the speaker says—wait to do this until you are the speaker, and then do so in a respectful manner.
• While the speaker is talking, the listener should not talk or interrupt except to paraphrase after the speaker.

The speaker and listener should take turns in each role so that each has a chance to express his/her thoughts and feelings. Either can call for a time out at any time. The goal of this activity is not to solve a particular problem, but rather to have a safe and meaningful discussion and to understand each other’s point of view. While we may not always agree with the other’s point of view, understanding and validating other’s thoughts and feelings can improve relationships and help us build on common ground, which may lead to more effective negotiation and problem resolution (Gottman, 1999).

Dealing with conflict can take varying amounts of mental, emotional, and physical energy (Miller & Miller, 1997). It can be work! However, learning and implementing a few simple communication skills can increase positive interactions with others. The opportunities for personal and relationship growth are well worth the effort.

For more information or for classes and workshops:

• Go to http://strongermarriage.org for tips, articles, and to find relationship education classes near you.
• Check out your local Extension office for relationship education classes and events. 
• Darrington, J., & Brower, N. (2012). Effective communication skills: “I” messages and beyond. Utah State University Extension. https://extension.usu.edu/htm/publications/publi cation=14541
• Gottman, J. M., & DeClaire, J. (2001). The relationship cure: A 5 step guide to strengthening your marriage, family, and friendships. New York, NY: Three Rivers Press.
• Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York, NY: Three Rivers Press.
• Markman, H. J., Stanley, S. M., & Blumberg, S. L. (2010). Fighting for your marriage. San Francisco: Jossey Bass.
• Markman, H. J, Stanley, S. M., Blumberg, S. L., Jenkins, N. H., & Whiteley, C. (2004). 12 hours to a great marriage: A step-by-step guide for making love last. San Francisco: Jossey Bass.
• Miller, S., & Miller, P. A. (1997). Core communication: Skills and processes. Evergreen, Co: Interpersonal Communication Programs, Inc.
• Paterson, R. J. (2000). The assertiveness workbook: How to express your ideas and stand up for yourself at work and in relationships. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger, Inc.
• Townsend, M. (2010). Starved stuff: Feeding the 7 basic needs of healthy relationships. Townsend Relationship Center.

Naomi Brower,  MFHD, CFLE, Extension Assistant Professor; Jana Darrington,  MS, Extension Assistant Professor

Naomi Brower

Extension Professor | Couple and Family Relationships | Weber County Director

Home and Community Department

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What Are Interpersonal Skills?

Here’s what interpersonal skills are, why they matter and how you can develop them.

Interpersonal skills are the behaviors people demonstrate when effectively interacting with others . Commonly referred to as “people skills,” these communication tactics can be signaled verbally and non-verbally in both one-on-one and group dynamics. Highly transferable across industries, interpersonal skills are a part of a professional’s soft skill arsenal that builds and determines the nature of professional relationships.

Interpersonal skills come in handy when handling conflict, collaborating within a team or just generally relating to your coworkers throughout your career . While some are innate traits, others are learned over time and can be further developed to strategically navigate social settings.

Interpersonal skills are the traits people use to communicate and interact with others. They are also known as “people skills” or “soft skills.”

“Being a genius coder or a killer salesperson doesn’t mean much if you can’t get along with others,” Melani Gordon, a partner at executive coaching and culture development firm Evolution , told Built In. “Interpersonal skills help you build that trust, turning you into not just someone people have to work with, but someone they want to work with.”

Sometimes referred to as ‘people skills’ or ‘social skills,’ interpersonal skills don’t just involve effectively communicating with others, but also reading others’ social cues and responding accordingly. 

Although interpersonal skills depend on one’s personality traits and communication style , they can also be developed through past experiences and repetition. As a result, employees can participate in more interactions to improve their interpersonal skills, which range from effective communication to active listening. 

13 Examples of Interpersonal Skills

While there is no official list of interpersonal skills to turn to, below are some office-friendly attributes that are sure to enhance anyone’s employability.  

1. Communication

Nearly every aspect of business relies on communication — whether spoken or written. It should be clear, concise and consistent. Even nonverbal cues count as communication, especially in the age of remote work and video meetings.

2. Active Listening

Active listening is when someone reflects upon and responds to — rather than reacts to — what another person says. As opposed to passive listening, active listening requires concentration, critical thinking, comprehension and a bit of demonstration. Without this interpersonal skill, it’s entirely possible to have two separate conversations at once, without arriving upon a mutual understanding.

Being in tune with what other people are thinking — and interpreting why they may be behaving a certain way — is the internal personal skill of empathy. It takes time to acquire. Achieving this level of insight involves listening, asking questions, recognizing feelings, avoiding judgment and sharing perspectives to authentically “walk in someone else’s shoes.”

4. Emotional Intelligence

Whether as an employee or leader of a company, having a clear understanding of your own emotions , motivations, triggers and behaviors is the first step in determining how to respond in any given scenario. The ability to recognize and regulate one’s own standings of emotional and social intelligence better informs where their strengths or weaknesses lay, and therefore what to embrace and where the work begins.

5. Positive Attitude

If an employee is capable of seeing the good in any situation, they are more equipped to stick it out when expectations fall short. Rather than complain or tally all that went wrong, these solution-oriented individuals are often the first in the room to switch on, ready to pivot. They have a certain energizing quality that rubs off, where just a greeting or brief catch-up conversation can leave coworkers feeling more capable of tackling the day.

6. Negotiation And Persuasion

Whether negotiating a deal or trying to persuade an audience, these processes involve articulating your thoughts in alignment with their needs while “selling it” altogether. Luckily, Aristotle determined the three pillars of persuasive speaking 2,300 years ago — ethos, pathos and logos — which suggests building a logical argument that appeals to an audience’s character and emotions.

7. Conflict Mediation And Resolution

Having a knack for designing win-win solutions and finding common ground translates well in a work environment. Listening to all of the facts, remaining calm and making sure people feel heard play a key role in resolving conflict . The pathway to peaceful resolution is to land on a compromise without either party feeling like they’re giving up anything.

8. Problem Solving

Problem solving begins with being able to identify a problem, then brainstorming a solution. From there, it’s a matter of analyzing the possibilities and implementing which works best, whether it’s project-specific or a company-wide matter. Strong problem solving can inspire better strategy and time management, but also instill confidence and build motivation.

9. Leadership

An employee with leadership qualities knows how to leverage the best out of their team. They listen to all sides before making a decision while motivating and inspiring others to work toward a shared goal — especially when the going gets tough.

10. Resilience

Having the ability to cope with adversity and pivot as the plot changes will serve someone well, especially in the workplace. When someone can maintain their own psychological well-being amid a high degree of stress, it communicates that they do not need things to go as planned in order to excel in their job. These individuals are dependable, and can roll with the punches.

11. Creativity

Problem solving, writing, analytical or critical thinking , communication and open-mindedness are all creative attributes fit for the workplace. Creative thinkers approach tired tasks in imaginative new ways, generating original ideas that can lead to innovative solutions.

Cracking a (well-timed, work-appropriate) joke can create a positive atmosphere even when handling difficult tasks, like high-stakes negotiations, presenting a sales pitch or delivering a down-market report. Humor diffuses tension, boosts creativity and increases one’s likeability.

Leaders with a sense of humor are seen as 27 percent more motivating and admired than those who don’t joke around. Their teams are 15 percent more engaged, and twice as likely to solve a creativity challenge — translating into higher productivity.

13. Small Talk 

The ability to have informal, polite discourse about light, non-work-related topics helps establish rapport with colleagues . Small talk eliminates the need for stale, overdone conversation starters.

“Have you ever been in one of those company mixers where it feels more like a middle-school dance? Nobody’s mingling,” Gordon said. “Now, a person with killer interpersonal skills walks in and suddenly, the energy shifts — conversations spark, people laugh and ideas start flowing. That’s interpersonal skills in action.”

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Benefits of Interpersonal Skills

A solid set of interpersonal skills makes for a more harmonious — and more efficient — workplace. As employees become better colleagues and leaders become more effective at the helm, a positive and productive team culture is often a byproduct.

“Technical skills are important, but they aren’t the only skill type we should be focused on,” Koma Gandy, vice president of leadership and business at corporate-education platform Skillsoft , told Built In. “Success depends on a workforce that can understand, practice and apply both [technical and soft] sets of skills.”

Below are some of the benefits of interpersonal skills.  

1. Stronger Relationships

By definition, interpersonal skills are how we relate to others. It’s how we build trust , collect understanding and learn how people prefer to communicate. Great interpersonal skills are the bread and butter to effortlessly building deeper connections with your coworkers , resulting in a tighter team and pleasant work environment.

2. Higher Morale

Flexing your interpersonal skills to create a sense of understanding, belonging and recognition — as well as a space capable of facilitating change — boosts office morale and contributes to a culture of camaraderie.

3. Better Business

For every customer won, there’s a master of interpersonal skills at work. Anticipating the needs of a client is impossible without actively listening , exercising empathy, solid communication, patience and perhaps a sprinkle of witty banter.

4. Increased Productivity And Collaboration 

Interpersonal skills are the lubricant of a well-oiled organizational machine — with good communication, there are fewer misunderstandings and mistakes. According to research conducted by team messaging app Pumble, 86 percent of employees and executives cite insufficient collaboration and communication as the main causes of workplace failures. But when communicating effectively , a team’s productivity may increase by as much as 25 percent.

5. More Problem Solving

When a team takes the time to understand one another, they are better equipped to find a solution that works for most everyone involved. This leads to more compassionate office dynamics where “problems” become team-building opportunities.

6. Supportive Work Environment

When employees walk into a work environment that is more concerned with empowering them rather than putting them in their place, it’s immediately felt. Interpersonal skills can help leaders lighten their team’s workload and alleviate work-related stress by just setting the right tone. Keep the doors open, check in, pay credit where credit is due and listen before you lead.

7. Opportunities For Promotions

Office politics are a factor whether we want to admit it or not. When vying for a position, promotion or project, interpersonal skills can get you the job — even if you’re not as technically qualified as other candidates.

“[Office politics] is a game everyone says they don’t want to play, but guess what, you’re already a player,” Gordon said. “Interpersonal skills are your cheat code to navigate this tricky terrain without selling your soul to the corporate devil.”

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Why Are Interpersonal Skills Important?

According to the World Economic Forum’s Future of Jobs report , eight of the top 10 core skills required of workers today are interpersonal skills. Surveyed companies identified soft skills like analytical thinking, creativity, empathy, motivation and leadership as integral qualities to a workforce that works.

“To be effective in your workplace and career, it’s critically important to manage yourself, manage your network and manage your team — in that precise order,” Gandy said. “Interpersonal skills help us identify and navigate our emotions as we become more self-aware. When we are equipped with these skills, we make better leaders and colleagues to one another and help drive real business success.”

How to Improve Interpersonal Skills

1. get to know yourself.

To start, it’s important to understand your own natural behaviors when interacting with others. Are you more chatty and extroverted? Or do you struggle with attention, deflecting the conversation while mentally mapping out an escape plan?

Psychologist Leslie Dobson, who specializes in mental health in both individual and group therapy settings, said that this can be done with a simple self-assessment . By asking yourself how assertive you feel you are at work, and the manner in which you assert yourself — aggressively, passively, or passive-aggressively — can be a great exercise in self-awareness.

To put it to the test, try videotaping yourself. This can be in pretend conversations or more naturally, while out with friends, Dobson recommended. Despite an inevitable aspect of ‘cringe’ that comes with this tried-and-true exercise, it offers instant, indisputable feedback from a third-person perspective that provides a better understanding of your own habits.

“In the tech world people tend to be a little more introverted,” Dobson said, noting that, when learning new techniques and trying out different approaches to communication, these individuals may feel like they’re being aggressive.

As you reflect, you may notice that you have a tendency to overshare and could probably pull back on personal anecdotes, or you may find yourself blurring into the background a bit, and could use it as a green flag to increase your level of participation in a group setting. 

2. Pay Attention to Your Body Language

Small things, such as walking tall, shaking hands, holding eye contact and keeping an even, steady tone, can add up, and ultimately contribute to creating a more relatable presence in the workplace. Start by taking a proper posture and relaxing your shoulders. Keep your arms uncrossed and slightly lean in when others are talking to you. Study what others are doing, and try out what feels most natural to you.

“If we can name our interpersonal skills — both what we have and what we’re lacking — then we can externalize them and operationalize them,” Dobson said.

3. Enroll in Career Development Programs

For those seeking a more formal course correction, enrolling in career development classes may be the way to go. Any workshops that specifically focus on public speaking, leadership or networking in their curriculum are worth looking into, Dobson said, as well as supportive therapy groups such as social skills training .

4. Stay Curious

And it doesn’t stop there — as Gandy noted, developing professional-grade interpersonal skills is not a “set it and forget it” type of endeavor. Sharpening relational techniques is a life-long practice that can help build your career and enrich your life.

At Skillsoft, Gandy assists business leaders in identifying skill gaps in their teams via objective assessments. The results are then used to inform curated programs , with transferable credentials, that are in alignment with the needs of the organization.

“[Building interpersonal skills] is a consistent and constant journey of … continuous learning and growth,” Gandy said.

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How to Use Interpersonal Skills at Work

It’s one thing to know about interpersonal techniques and their benefits. It’s another to actually apply them to your daily routine. The following includes a few hacks to work in during your next series of workplace interactions.  

1. Stay Positive

Try to cultivate a positive mental attitude at work. This will allow you to become both a part of and a contributor to a more harmonious work culture. While it may be a matter of ‘fake it until you make it,’ looking for the good in any given scenario — especially stressful ones — reflects positively on you as an employee and coworker.

2. Control Your Emotions

Conduct yourself professionally at work, even when others aren’t. Communicating in a calm, patient manner is key to maintaining an appropriate workplace persona conducive to trust, respect and integrity. If personal matters are too big to be compartmentalized, it may be worth taking a personal day or seeking help .

3. Give Praise to Colleagues

People love to hear about themselves. The next time an opportunity arises, when a coworker provides illuminating insight during a presentation, makes a great save or when receiving help on an issue, paying a compliment can be a simple way to vocalize appreciation and build trust . While it’s best to deliver kudos from a place of authenticity, celebrating someone’s expertise — even when competing in office politics — is still a nice gesture.

4. Take Interest in Others

There is no need to climb the workplace social ladder as if it were the same one in high school; however, there’s no harm in inquiring about the personal lives of the people you work side-by-side with on a regular basis. Typically, what they talk about is what they care about most. With this information, you get a better understanding of who they are and the people you work with at large. Bonus points for committing a few notes to memory and then following up later.

5. Practice Active Listening

Nod along, hold eye contact, repeat back what the speakers said in your own words, ask questions to learn more about their perspective and respond thoughtfully to let them know that they’ve been heard.

6. Be Assertive

Voice your needs, thoughts or boundaries with confidence. Letting others know where you stand eliminates confusion, if there is any, and is a strong demonstration of self-respect that may inspire others to follow your lead. 

7. Practice Empathy 

Simple exercises like giving others the benefit of the doubt, putting yourself in other peoples’ shoes and drawing parallels out of other peoples’ circumstances to your own are a few ways to practice empathy . In the context of work, these practices may also aid in problem solving and conflict resolution, when applicable.

8. Maintain Relationships

Whether in or out of work, having a supportive network of healthy relationships is an enriching way to demonstrate that you value and prioritize others. Prioritize connecting with friends and colleagues on a semi-regular basis. This reflects well on you in a professional setting, as it demonstrates qualities like dependability, honesty, respect and that you understand mutual give-and-take.

Common Jobs That Require Interpersonal Skills

Interpersonal skills are crucial for jobs that require high levels of human interaction, including the following positions: 

• Social worker 
• Salesperson or customer support representative
• Human resources manager

How to Highlight Interpersonal Skills on Your Resume

Interpersonal skills might seem more subtle than technical or hard skills, but there are ways to ensure they get plenty of attention on your resume.  

Showcase Interpersonal Skills in Past Projects

Include projects or roles where you spearheaded an initiative, worked with members of other teams or cultivated client relationships. Focus on skills like leadership and collaboration. 

Emphasize Interpersonal Skills Through Volunteer Work and Extracurriculars 

Volunteer work and extracurriculars can also reveal soft skills. Helping plan a community event, volunteering at a library and running a fundraiser for a senior care facility are all scenarios that require emotional intelligence, problem solving and other interpersonal skills. 

Add Interpersonal Skills in a Skills Section

If there’s room on your resume, include a skills section that provides a bullet list of specific skills. In addition to hard skills, you can include interpersonal skills like empathy, teamwork, creativity and conflict resolution. 

Choose Interpersonal Skills That Match Keywords

Keywords in job descriptions often hint at what skills to include in your resume . For example, if a job calls for someone who can collaborate across departments and is comfortable handling complex challenges, drive home your communication and problem-solving skills. 

Make Sure References Can Back Up Interpersonal Skills

Select interpersonal skills that you’ve been complimented on and can be confirmed by colleagues, mentors, teachers and other important figures in your career. Having an extra vote of approval can add more weight to any interpersonal skills you mention in your resume.

Frequently Asked Questions

What are some examples of interpersonal skills.

Communication, active listening, conflict resolution, creativity and problem-solving are a few examples of interpersonal skills. 

Why are interpersonal skills important?

Interpersonal skills enable professionals to become better coworkers and leaders in the workplace. As a result, many jobs require skills like empathy and leadership, making interpersonal skills essential for a successful career.

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Interpersonal Communication Skills

Search SkillsYouNeed:

The SkillsYouNeed Guide to Interpersonal Skills

Interpersonal Skills:

• A - Z List of Interpersonal Skills
• Interpersonal Skills Self-Assessment
• What is Communication?
• Tips for Effective Interpersonal Communication
• Principles of Communication
• Barriers to Effective Communication
• Avoiding Common Communication Mistakes
• Social Skills
• Getting Social Online
• Giving and Receiving Feedback
• Improving Communication
• Interview Skills
• Telephone Interviews
• Interviewing Skills
• Business Language Skills
• The Ladder of Inference
• Listening Skills
• Top Tips for Effective Listening
• The 10 Principles of Listening
• Effective Listening Skills
• Barriers to Effective Listening
• Types of Listening
• Active Listening
• Mindful Listening
• Empathic Listening
• Listening Misconceptions
• Non-Verbal Communication
• Personal Appearance
• Body Language
• Non-Verbal Communication: Face and Voice
• Verbal Communication
• Effective Speaking
• Conversational Skills
• How to Keep a Conversation Flowing
• Conversation Tips for Getting What You Want
• Giving a Speech
• Questioning Skills and Techniques
• Types of Question
• Clarification
• Emotional Intelligence
• Conflict Resolution and Mediation Skills
• Customer Service Skills
• Team-Working, Groups and Meetings
• Decision-Making and Problem-Solving
• Negotiation and Persuasion Skills

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What is Interpersonal Communication?

Interpersonal communication is the process by which people exchange information, feelings, and meaning through verbal and non-verbal messages: it is face-to-face communication.

Interpersonal communication is not just about what is actually said - the language used - but how it is said and the non-verbal messages sent through tone of voice, facial expressions, gestures and body language.

When two or more people are in the same place and are aware of each other's presence, then communication is taking place, no matter how subtle or unintentional.

Without speech, an observer may be using cues of posture, facial expression, and dress to form an impression of the other's role, emotional state, personality and/or intentions. Although no communication may be intended, people receive messages through such forms of non-verbal behaviour.

See our pages on Body Language and Non-Verbal Communication: Face and Voice for more.

Elements of Interpersonal Communication

Much research has been done to try to break down interpersonal communication into a number of elements in order that it can be more easily understood. Commonly these elements include:

The Communicators

For any communication to occur there must be at least two people involved. It is easy to think about communication involving a sender and a receiver of a message. However, the problem with this way of seeing a relationship is that it presents communication as a one-way process where one person sends the message and the other receives it. While one person is talking and another is listening, for example. In fact communications are almost always complex, two-way processes , with people sending and receiving messages to and from each other simultaneously. In other words, communication is an interactive process. While one person is talking the other is listening - but while listening they are also sending feedback in the form of smiles, head nods etc.

The Message

Message not only means the speech used or information conveyed, but also the non-verbal messages exchanged such as facial expressions , tone of voice , gestures and body language . Non-verbal behaviour can convey additional information about the spoken message. In particular, it can reveal more about emotional attitudes which may underlie the content of speech.

See our page: Effective Speaking for more on how you can use your voice to full effect.

Noise has a special meaning in communication theory. It refers to anything that distorts the message, so that what is received is different from what is intended by the speaker. Whilst physical 'noise' (for example, background sounds or a low-flying jet plane) can interfere with communication, other factors are considered to be ‘noise’. The use of complicated jargon , inappropriate body language , inattention , disinterest, and cultural differences can be considered 'noise' in the context of interpersonal communication. In other words, any distortions or inconsistencies that occur during an attempt to communicate can be seen as noise.

Our page: Barriers to Effective Communication explains this in more detail.

Feedback consists of messages the receiver returns, which allows the sender to know how accurately the message has been received, as well as the receiver's reaction. The receiver may also respond to the unintentional message as well as the intentional message. Types of feedback range from direct verbal statements, for example "Say that again, I don't understand", to subtle facial expressions or changes in posture that might indicate to the sender that the receiver feels uncomfortable with the message. Feedback allows the sender to regulate, adapt or repeat the message in order to improve communication.

Our pages: Giving and Receiving Feedback , Clarification and Reflecting describe common ways to offer feedback in communication, while our page: Active Listening describes the process of listening attentively.

All communication is influenced by the context in which it takes place. However, apart from looking at the situational context of where the interaction takes place, for example in a room, office, or perhaps outdoors, the social context also needs to be considered, for example the roles, responsibilities and relative status of the participants. The emotional climate and participants' expectations of the interaction will also affect the communication.

The channel refers to the physical means by which the message is transferred from one person to another. In a face-to-face context the channels which are used are speech and vision, however during a telephone conversation the channel is limited to speech alone.

When you have the opportunity to observe some interpersonal communication, make a mental note of the behaviours used, both verbal and non-verbal.

Observe and think about the following factors:

• Who are the communicators?
• What messages were exchanged?
• What (if any) noise distorts the message?
• How is feedback given?
• What is the context of the communication?

You probably do this all the time, subconsciously, but when you actively observe interpersonal communication you can more fully appreciate its mechanics.

By observing others - making a conscious effort to understand how communication occurs - you will think about how you communicate and be more aware of the messages you send. This provides a perfect opportunity for you to develop your interpersonal communication skills.

Further Reading from Skills You Need

The Skills You Need Guide to Interpersonal Skills eBooks.

Develop your interpersonal skills with our series of eBooks. Learn about and improve your communication skills, tackle conflict resolution, mediate in difficult situations, and develop your emotional intelligence.

Uses of Interpersonal Communication

Most of us engage in some form of interpersonal communication on a regular basis, often many times a day, how well we communicate with others is a measure of our interpersonal skills.

Interpersonal communication is a key life skill and can be used to:

• Give and collect information.
• Influence the attitudes and behaviour of others.
• Form contacts and maintain relationships.
• Make sense of the world and our experiences in it.
• Express personal needs and understand the needs of others.
• Give and receive emotional support.
• Make decisions and solve problems.
• Anticipate and predict behaviour.
• Regulate power.

How well do you communicate with others?

Assess your interpersonal skills with the Interpersonal Skills Self-Assessment

Continue to: Principles of Interpersonal Communication

See also: What is Empathy? Intercultural Awareness How to Communicate Efficiently on the Phone

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Use Active Listening to Help a Colleague Make a Hard Decision

• Cheryl Strauss Einhorn

Don’t jump straight to problem-solving.

Imagine a colleague is faced with a high-stakes decision. They’re likely stressed, conflicted, and overwhelmed. In these situations, many of us default to the role of problem-solver. We try to support our colleague by providing our opinion or offering a solution. But to effectively support decision makers in your organization, you need to step back from your own ego and just listen . This article outlines practical strategies for exercising four types of active listening: emotional, informational, analytical, and reflective. Active listening can be hard to do, but it’s a great skill to practice. It allows you to strengthen key relationships while giving decision makers the space to make decisions for themselves.

Arnaldo was the chief operating officer at a successful investment firm. Recently, the firm’s results had been underperforming expectations. This poor performance was due to one large investment that the chief investment officer, Russ, was committed to holding. Arnaldo had fielded several calls from investors who wanted Russ to sell the money-losing investment. So, when Russ asked for a meeting to discuss the fund’s performance, Arnaldo’s instinct was to make a pitch to sell — to solve the problem.

• Cheryl Strauss Einhorn is the founder and CEO of Decisive, a decision sciences company using her AREA Method decision-making system for individuals, companies, and nonprofits looking to solve complex problems. Decisive offers digital tools and in-person training, workshops, coaching and consulting. Cheryl is a long-time educator teaching at Columbia Business School and Cornell and has won several journalism awards for her investigative news stories. She’s authored two books on complex problem solving, Problem Solved for personal and professional decisions, and Investing In Financial Research about business, financial, and investment decisions. Her new book, Problem Solver, is about the psychology of personal decision-making and Problem Solver Profiles. For more information please watch Cheryl’s TED talk and visit areamethod.com .

Partner Center

Apply our problem solving method

Learn problem solving skills: interpersonal communication styles.

• Learn to recognize differences in communication styles
• Learn how interpersonal communication styles can affect relational outcomes.
• Learn how to use the Interpersonal Circle to adapt your interpersonal communication style to the situation.

“ They may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel. ” —Carl Buechner

“ The most important single ingredient in the formula of success is knowing how to get along with people .” —Theodore Roosevelt

Do you notice that you act in different ways around certain people? Perhaps you act inhibited around your advisor but act self-assured around your students. Maybe you wish you could be as sociable with your labmates as you are so easily around your friends. These descriptors: inhibited, sociable, assured, and deferent are all examples of interpersonal communication styles (Kiesler, 1982). 

This module is designed to address the interpersonal communication styles that you bring to a communication interaction. The more you know about interpersonal communication styles, the more you can deliberately choose to use a style or not, depending on the situation.

The concepts of interpersonal communication styles and personality overlap, but they do not mean the same thing. People often say “that’s just the way I am.” However, interpersonal communication styles are actually changeable and more in your control than you might think.

Think back to a time in which you communicated with someone and by virtue of the initial interaction you developed a new approach that you tried the next time. For example, perhaps when talking with your advisor you were reserved and didn’t speak up when someone was getting recognition for your work; the next time the topic of work credit came up you were more assertive and spoke up for yourself. 

The fact that you are able to change your approach, and essentially the impression you make (see The Impression You Make ), are different from personality. Personality is more steady and consistent and is most often viewed in terms of traits—a stable, enduring quality that a person shows in most situations (i.e., who we are)—rather than a behavior (i.e., how we act). [See Your Personality and Preferences for more.]

One of the interesting things about interpersonal communication styles is that they can be specific to a situation (e.g., you are different around a faculty member) or defined by how you behave in most communication situations (e.g., you are sociable with most people). You can choose when to use the interpersonal communication style that best serves you in the situation. 

Over time, recognizing and selecting which interpersonal communication approach you wish to use in a particular instance will become easier. With practice the ability to choose will help you break the patterns that don’t work for you in certain situations.

There are many different approaches to defining interpersonal communication styles. Here we describe a couple of models that have received ample research support. We focus on the Interpersonal Circle and its accompanying theory, “Complementarity.” 

The Interpersonal Circle

Interpersonal theorists (Carson, 1969; Kiesler, 1983; Leary, 1957) created the Interpersonal Circle to explain the ways in which people relate to each other interpersonally. The model is based on a system of similarity and dissimilarity and is meant to explain and predict the ways in which two different people may interact in a given situation. 

In this model, 16 interpersonal styles are positioned around a circle. Interpersonal theory has been applied both to traits and behaviors. Here we discuss its applications to real-time communication exchanges of individuals in a dyadic interaction.

The model represents a system that charts interpersonal communication across two dimensions: Power and Affiliation. In the model, the Power (Dominance) axis runs vertically. On this dimension, those interpersonal styles positioned directly across from each other are viewed as complementary to each other. 

In practice, this would mean that in a given interpersonal interaction, individuals who act in a dissimilar manner on the Power axis would likely get along well with each other. For example, if one individual were to act in a dominant manner, then the behavioral response that would likely lead to the best outcome would be for the other person to respond with deference. This makes sense if you consider how the alternative might play out—that is, two people competing for dominance.

The Affiliation axis runs horizontally. Contrary to the Power dimension, similarity is complementary on the Affiliation dimension. For example, if one person acts in a friendly manner, then the responses that would likely predict the best outcome would be for the second person to respond in an equally friendly, warm or sociable manner.

There are multiple reasons why the interpersonal circle is relevant to your life. Using the interpersonal circle is a relatively simple way to identify your own tendencies toward particular styles with certain individuals. There is evidence that those who view the social world using a structure similar to that of the interpersonal circle report fewer interpersonal problems and higher levels of satisfaction with life, self-confidence, and self-liking.

Complementarity

The powerful theory that arose from the Interpersonal Circle is complementarity. Complementarity is the idea that individuals interact in a manner that elicits a restricted class of behaviors (e.g., dominance requests submission and friendliness invites similar behaviors) and you have the choice to either act in a complementary fashion or not. 

The degree to which another individual complements those behaviors has some predictive utility for measuring how well the relationship will go. The deliberate choice to complement or not is called Complementarity.

The theory suggests that certain behaviors “pull” particular responses from the other person. Being friendly generally elicits friendliness from the other person. Complementary behaviors on the friendliness (affiliation) axis generally indicate better communication and mutual liking. 

If you as a student approach a colleague or a professor in a friendly manner, you are more likely to get a friendly response. If a faculty member is friendly in your exchange and you respond in a chilly manner (maybe you had a bad day or you are unhappy with the professor), the (anticomplementary) interaction will probably be uncomfortable and set a negative tone.

Another example of complementarity could be that your professor treats his students in a dominant manner. This dominance sends the message that the professor sees himself as having power and that he expects his students to submit to his behaviors. If you understand this dynamic and view his interpersonal behavior in this manner, you can make a deliberate choice to complement this behavior or not complement this behavior.

In this case, complementing would mean that you validate the professor’s interpersonal message by being more deferent. Not complementing might mean responding in an assured manner by communicating that you have opinions or knowledge about the topic, work, etc. and you will not merely submit to the professor’s interpersonal message. 

Neither response is inherently bad, but each response above carries consequences with it. If you submit, you may not have your voice heard or you may not have important decisions go the way you’d like.  Implying to this professor that you consider yourself to be on the same level as they are may not go well.

However, if you do not submit, it might lead to a power struggle with your professor, which is never an ideal situation for any graduate student. The point is to recognize the interpersonal messages people send and to make deliberate decisions about when to complement those messages and when not to do so.

Be aware: if you are redefining your interpersonal approach with an individual who is used to you acting in a particular manner, there might be a period of discomfort, or even backlash, as they adjust to your new way of conducting yourself. Although the time of adjustment is often uncomfortable, it is quite normal. Stick with it, if that is your preferred path.

Consider the example of a professor who spouts orders, asserts himself as dominating, and expects his students to be subservient. He considers his research assistants to be personal assistants and sends them on personal errands and expects them to be available at all hours of the day and night.

Which graduate student response would be complementary to his behavior?

• A. Submitting by way of obeying all orders and never asserting yourself.
• B. Responding in an assured manner by communicating that you have opinions, knowledge, and boundaries, and you will not merely submit to the professor’s interpersonal message.

Complementarity occurs when individuals interact in a manner that elicits a restricted class of behaviors (e.g., dominance requests submission and friendliness invites similar behaviors) and you have the choice to either act in a complementary fashion or not.

Interesting question for you: What if this professor is a woman? Would you have a different emotional reaction? We are all socialized to have gender role expectations. Therefore, it would not be surprising to be even more critical of a woman with a dominant interaction style.

Think of someone with whom you have trouble communicating. Once you have that person in mind, use the interpersonal circle to identify that individual’s interpersonal communication style. 

How would you choose to complement or not complement their style? Is there anything you want to change about how you would approach your communication with that person? How does the model help you think about this?

Marissa works in a lab with three labmates. One labmate, Liang, treats Marissa as if she were the lab mom. He asks her to order supplies, to clean up, to order lunch for the group during working meetings, etc. 

Marissa usually complies with Liang’s requests. That is, she usually complements Liang’s dominant interpersonal communication style with a submissive interpersonal communication style. 

However, she wants very badly to change her dynamic with Liang so he stops bossing her around. The following interaction is one in which Marissa deliberately chooses not to complement Liang’s interpersonal style in order to change their interpersonal dynamic. 

Remember, when thinking interpersonally, the way in which you deliver the message through nonverbals and the words you choose are equally if not more important than the content of the discussion. Let’s see how Marissa does.

LIANG: [walking up to Marissa, while she’s working] Marissa, we are out of toner and paper and I need to print these results. Can you go to the department secretary and see if they have some we can use and then order more. [Liang’s interpersonal communication style is best defined as dominant: he is making demands and bossing Marissa around]

MARISSA: [continuing to work] Sorry, Liang, I’m busy. You’re going to have to go yourself. [now making eye contact with Liang]. Also, I think it’s time someone else in the lab besides me orders supplies. If you need help figuring it out, I am happy to help, but I’m relieving myself of the responsibility of ordering things for everyone. I have a lot of work to do before I graduate and I’ve done my fair share—it’s someone else’s turn. [Marissa’s interpersonal communication style here is assured].

LIANG: [caught off guard and looking perplexed] What is this? Are you upset because I didn’t say “please” and “thank you”? [Liang meets Marissa’s assured interpersonal message with a stronger form of dominance]

MARISSA: [stopping what she’s doing, turning to face Liang and deliberately using a calm voice that does not convey hostility]. Liang, a “please” or a “thank you” would have been nice, but this isn’t a reaction in the moment. I’ve given it some thought and I have decided it’s time someone else takes care of ordering things around here. [Marissa continues to use an Assured interpersonal communication style and stays on message]

LIANG: [now clearly frustrated] We’ll see how this goes. I don’t have time for this [Liang walks away]

MARISSA: I don’t either, Liang. That’s the point.

Let’s debrief:

Marissa deliberately chose to not complement Liang’s dominant interpersonal communication style, both in the words she chose (e.g., I have decided it’s time someone else takes care of ordering things around here.) and the nonverbals she conveyed (e.g., making eye contact instead of staring down at her work). 

In the face of Liang’s persistence in expecting that she did what he wanted, Marissa stuck to her message while also communicating that she wasn’t looking for a hostile confrontation.

There are some elements of this interaction that would likely play out in most similar situations:

• When people send an interpersonal message that is not validated by the other person, they usually try to send the message again, only this time with more intensity. Liang did this by becoming even more dominant and attacking Marissa on an interpersonal level, when he said, “is this because you didn’t get a “please” or “thank you”?
• When Liang began to send a stronger dominant message, Marissa likely felt uncomfortable. When faced with this type of discomfort, most people give up and return to submissiveness or, conversely, they meet the other person’s attempt at dominance with hostility or a dominant message of their own—essentially, they tell the person, “you are not in charge,” but they do so in a hostile or confrontational way. Marissa anticipates this and stays on message while also communicating that she is not looking for a hostile confrontation.
• Marissa was also very effective at keeping the interaction in the “here and now” instead of talking about past incidents.
• Marissa also used “I” statements such as “I can’t do this” and “I’ve made a decision.” Many people unintentionally sabotage their interaction by putting things on other people by making statements like, “you’re bossy” or “you just want to boss me around.” These types of accusations are almost impossible to prove in the moment and usually turn into an argument. By avoiding these types of statements, Marissa avoids a whole other area of interaction that would most likely turn into an argument.

Carson, R. C. (1969). Interaction concepts of personality . Chicago: Aldine Publishing Co.

Cheng, C., Wang, F., & Golden, D. L. (2011). Unpacking cultural differences in interpersonal flexibility: Role of culture-related personality and situational factors. Journal of Cross-Cultural Psychology, 42 (3), 425-444. https://doi.org/10.1177/0022022110362755

Fan, H., & Han, B. (2018). How does leader‐follower fit or misfit in communication style matter for work outcomes? Social Behavior and Personality, 46 (7), 1083–1100. https://doi.org/10.2224/sbp.6925

Gifford, R. (1991). Mapping nonverbal behavior on the Interpersonal Circle. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 61 (2), 279–288. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.61.2.279

Graham, K., Mawritz, M., Dust, S., Greenbaum, R., & Ziegert, J. (2019). Too many cooks in the kitchen: The effects of dominance incompatibility on relationship conflict and subsequent abusive supervision. The Leadership Quarterly, 30( 3), 351–364. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.leaqua.2018.12.003

Kiesler, D. (1983). The 1982 Interpersonal Circle: A taxonomy for complementarity in human transactions. Psychological Review, 90 (3), 185–214. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-295X.90.3.185

Kurzius, E., Borkenau, P., & Leising, D. (2021). Spontaneous interpersonal complementarity in the lab: A multilevel approach to modeling the antecedents and consequences of people’s interpersonal behaviors and their dynamic interplay. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology , Advance Online Publication. http://dx.doi.org.ezproxy1.lib.asu.edu/10.1037/pspi0000347

Leary, T. (1957). Interpersonal diagnosis of personality. New York: John Wiley & Sons

Locke, K. (2019). Development and validation of a circumplex measure of the interpersonal culture in work teams and organizations. Frontiers in Psychology, 10 , 850–850. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2019.00850  

Mainhard, T., Van Der Rijst, R., Van Tartwijk, J., & Wubbels, T. (2009). A model for the supervisor-doctoral student relationship. Higher Education, 58 (3), 359–373. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10734-009-9199-8  

Markey, P., Lowmaster, S., & Eichler, W. (2010). A real‐time assessment of interpersonal complementarity. Personal Relationships, 17 (1), 13-25. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1475-6811.2010.01249.x  

Moskowitz, D. S., Ho, M. R., & Turcotte-Tremblay, A.-M. (2007). Contextual influences on interpersonal complementarity. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 33( 8), 1051–1063. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167207303024

Orellana, M. L., Darder, A., Pérez, A., & Salinas, J. (2016). Improving doctoral success by matching PhD students with supervisors. International Journal of Doctoral Studies, 11 , 87-103. https://doi.org/10.28945/3404  

Sullivan, H. S. (1953). The interpersonal theory of psychiatry . New York: W.W. Norton.& Company.

Tracey, T. (1994). An examination of the complementarity of interpersonal behavior. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 67( 5), 864–878. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.67.5.864

Wiggins, J. (1979). A psychological taxonomy of trait-descriptive terms: The interpersonal domain. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 37 (3), 395–412. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.37.3.395  

On Speaking Up: A Conference Experience

Confronting a male colleague with contradictory findings at a conference.

Stubbornness and Tenacity

Highlights the obstacles faced when trying to have research reviewed by the advisor and emphasizes the steps necessary to make adequate progress in the program.

Critical Mass

Captures the annoyance of male colleagues making sexist assumptions and the challenges with conference travel as a female graduate student.

Persuading an Advisor

Suggestions for defining research.

I Have Not Figured Out How to Say "No"

Emphasizes the challenge with saying no, but the importance of learning to do so.

Asserting Yourself in the Face of Authority

The importance of standing up for yourself.

Paths of Family Planning and Different Options Along the Way

How a flexible schedule as a professor made it possible to have a family and a career.

Proactive Approach and Adapting Environments

How to adapt experimental methods to match a lifestyle.

An Arizona State University project, supported by the National Science Foundation under grants 0634519, 0910384 and 1761278

Any opinions, findings, and conclusions or recommendations expressed in this material are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the views of the National Science Foundation. © 2021  Career WISE. All rights reserved. Privacy | Legal

Master of Business Administration

• Career Outlook
• Admission Requirements

Developing Effective Interpersonal Communication Skills in the Workplace

February 10, 2017  |  4 Min Read

Interpersonal communication is a soft skill that encompasses how well an individual communicates with others. This skill set, also referred to as “people skills” or “social skills,” is one of the most important for success in the workplace. Communication can take place both verbally and nonverbally, either in person or through digital means such as email or instant messaging. In communication theory, there are six key components of interpersonal communication:

• The communicators: This refers to both the sender of the communication and the receiver. There are at least two communicators involved in all interpersonal communication.
• The message: One of the most important parts of interpersonal communication is the message. It can be conveyed in many ways: speech, body language, tone of voice, gestures and other indicators. Non-verbal messages provide additional information that may not be readily apparent through words.
• Noise: This refers to any distortion that causes differences between what is received and what it sent , according to resource website CommunicationTheory.org. Examples of noise include jargon, language barriers, inattention and more.
• Feedback: Feedback is the response of the receiver. In other words, it’s the message sent back to the sender. This allows the sender to know whether the message has been received and interpreted correctly.
• Context: Whether a message is received and interpreted correctly depends largely on context. “The emotional climate and expectations of the people, the place of occurrence, and social, political, cultural and environmental conditions comprise context,” CommunicationTheory.org says.
• Channel: Finally, this component refers to how the communication occurs. A message is sent and received through a specific channel, or medium.

Interpersonal Communication in the Workplace

Interpersonal communication is one of the most important life skills business professionals can have. In companies and organizations of all types, effective communication determines whether a team can operate effectively and accomplish core business goals. “It underlies the efficiency of key business functions such as managing, training, selling and resolving conflicts within an organization,” Chron Small Business explains.

Elements of Interpersonal Communication

Interpersonal communication can also be divided into subskills . Effective communication in the workplace relies on each of the following elements:

• Problem solving and decision making: One of the best ways to maintain professional relationships is through effective problem solving and decision making. Both of these skills align team members toward a common goal. If leaders are unable to take the steps necessary to solve problems and make the right decision for the team, a business can’t function successfully.
• Listening: Strong listening skills are invaluable for business professionals. They help individuals understand sent messages and act accordingly. If a manager provides instructions but team members are unable to listen and synthesize the information, roadblocks will arise that can derail projects and cause negative consequences.
• Assertiveness: A commonly undervalued element of interpersonal communication is assertiveness. The ability to influence others helps leaders drive the team toward a common goal. Being willing to take charge and effect change is one of the hallmarks of a business leader.
• Negotiation: This skill is a key element in conflict resolution. Finding common ground and identifying shared goals can help business professionals work effectively with others.  

How to Improve Interpersonal Communication in the Workplace

Here are some of the ways business professionals can improve interpersonal communication in the workplace.

• Research and plan: Gather facts and relevant data to plan for important conversations. This helps ensure clarity and accuracy.
• Determine your audience: Consider coworkers’ personality and mindset before approaching a conversation. Find the right communication style for your specific situation. Some conversations lend themselves to face-to-face meetings, while others can be best accomplished through email.
• Self-evaluation: Understand your own strengths and weaknesses when it comes to communication. Ask for honest feedback from coworkers and managers as a learning opportunity to better inform future interactions.
• Monitor expectations: Keep assumptions and expectations to a minimum before engaging with a coworker. You never know for sure how someone will react, so be ready to adapt as the situation demands.

Skill Development Through Graduate Coursework

Earning a Master of Business Administration (MBA) is an ideal way to develop stronger interpersonal communication skills. Concordia University, St. Paul’s fully online MBA balances advanced business coursework with hands-on projects that help students develop real-world skills for the workplace. On campus program options are also available.

If you are interested in advanced business topics like these, consider Concordia University, St. Paul’s online MBA program . You can also download our free guide , “Climbing the Corporate Ladder: Your Guide to the MBA and Beyond,” for an in-depth look at the value of the MBA.

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6.2 Conflict and Interpersonal Communication

Learning objectives.

• Define interpersonal conflict.
• Compare and contrast the five styles of interpersonal conflict management.
• Explain how perception and culture influence interpersonal conflict.
• List strategies for effectively managing conflict.

Who do you have the most conflict with right now? Your answer to this question probably depends on the various contexts in your life. If you still live at home with a parent or parents, you may have daily conflicts with your family as you try to balance your autonomy, or desire for independence, with the practicalities of living under your family’s roof. If you’ve recently moved away to go to college, you may be negotiating roommate conflicts as you adjust to living with someone you may not know at all. You probably also have experiences managing conflict in romantic relationships and in the workplace. So think back and ask yourself, “How well do I handle conflict?” As with all areas of communication, we can improve if we have the background knowledge to identify relevant communication phenomena and the motivation to reflect on and enhance our communication skills.

Interpersonal conflict occurs in interactions where there are real or perceived incompatible goals, scarce resources, or opposing viewpoints. Interpersonal conflict may be expressed verbally or nonverbally along a continuum ranging from a nearly imperceptible cold shoulder to a very obvious blowout. Interpersonal conflict is, however, distinct from interpersonal violence, which goes beyond communication to include abuse. Domestic violence is a serious issue and is discussed in the section “The Dark Side of Relationships.”

Interpersonal conflict is distinct from interpersonal violence, which goes beyond communication to include abuse.

Bobafred – Fist Fight – CC BY-NC-ND 2.0.

Conflict is an inevitable part of close relationships and can take a negative emotional toll. It takes effort to ignore someone or be passive aggressive, and the anger or guilt we may feel after blowing up at someone are valid negative feelings. However, conflict isn’t always negative or unproductive. In fact, numerous research studies have shown that quantity of conflict in a relationship is not as important as how the conflict is handled (Markman et al., 1993). Additionally, when conflict is well managed, it has the potential to lead to more rewarding and satisfactory relationships (Canary & Messman, 2000).

Improving your competence in dealing with conflict can yield positive effects in the real world. Since conflict is present in our personal and professional lives, the ability to manage conflict and negotiate desirable outcomes can help us be more successful at both. Whether you and your partner are trying to decide what brand of flat-screen television to buy or discussing the upcoming political election with your mother, the potential for conflict is present. In professional settings, the ability to engage in conflict management, sometimes called conflict resolution, is a necessary and valued skill. However, many professionals do not receive training in conflict management even though they are expected to do it as part of their job (Gates, 2006). A lack of training and a lack of competence could be a recipe for disaster, which is illustrated in an episode of The Office titled “Conflict Resolution.” In the episode, Toby, the human-resources officer, encourages office employees to submit anonymous complaints about their coworkers. Although Toby doesn’t attempt to resolve the conflicts, the employees feel like they are being heard. When Michael, the manager, finds out there is unresolved conflict, he makes the anonymous complaints public in an attempt to encourage resolution, which backfires, creating more conflict within the office. As usual, Michael doesn’t demonstrate communication competence; however, there are career paths for people who do have an interest in or talent for conflict management. In fact, being a mediator was named one of the best careers for 2011 by U.S. News and World Report . [1] Many colleges and universities now offer undergraduate degrees, graduate degrees, or certificates in conflict resolution, such as this one at the University of North Carolina Greensboro: http://conflictstudies.uncg.edu/site . Being able to manage conflict situations can make life more pleasant rather than letting a situation stagnate or escalate. The negative effects of poorly handled conflict could range from an awkward last few weeks of the semester with a college roommate to violence or divorce. However, there is no absolute right or wrong way to handle a conflict. Remember that being a competent communicator doesn’t mean that you follow a set of absolute rules. Rather, a competent communicator assesses multiple contexts and applies or adapts communication tools and skills to fit the dynamic situation.

Conflict Management Styles

Would you describe yourself as someone who prefers to avoid conflict? Do you like to get your way? Are you good at working with someone to reach a solution that is mutually beneficial? Odds are that you have been in situations where you could answer yes to each of these questions, which underscores the important role context plays in conflict and conflict management styles in particular. The way we view and deal with conflict is learned and contextual. Is the way you handle conflicts similar to the way your parents handle conflict? If you’re of a certain age, you are likely predisposed to answer this question with a certain “No!” It wasn’t until my late twenties and early thirties that I began to see how similar I am to my parents, even though I, like many, spent years trying to distinguish myself from them. Research does show that there is intergenerational transmission of traits related to conflict management. As children, we test out different conflict resolution styles we observe in our families with our parents and siblings. Later, as we enter adolescence and begin developing platonic and romantic relationships outside the family, we begin testing what we’ve learned from our parents in other settings. If a child has observed and used negative conflict management styles with siblings or parents, he or she is likely to exhibit those behaviors with non–family members (Reese-Weber & Bartle-Haring, 1998).

There has been much research done on different types of conflict management styles, which are communication strategies that attempt to avoid, address, or resolve a conflict. Keep in mind that we don’t always consciously choose a style. We may instead be caught up in emotion and become reactionary. The strategies for more effectively managing conflict that will be discussed later may allow you to slow down the reaction process, become more aware of it, and intervene in the process to improve your communication. A powerful tool to mitigate conflict is information exchange. Asking for more information before you react to a conflict-triggering event is a good way to add a buffer between the trigger and your reaction. Another key element is whether or not a communicator is oriented toward self-centered or other-centered goals. For example, if your goal is to “win” or make the other person “lose,” you show a high concern for self and a low concern for other. If your goal is to facilitate a “win/win” resolution or outcome, you show a high concern for self and other. In general, strategies that facilitate information exchange and include concern for mutual goals will be more successful at managing conflict (Sillars, 1980).

The five strategies for managing conflict we will discuss are competing, avoiding, accommodating, compromising, and collaborating. Each of these conflict styles accounts for the concern we place on self versus other (see Figure 6.1 “Five Styles of Interpersonal Conflict Management” ).

Figure 6.1 Five Styles of Interpersonal Conflict Management

Source: Adapted from M. Afzalur Rahim, “A Measure of Styles of Handling Interpersonal Conflict,” Academy of Management Journal 26, no. 2 (1983): 368–76.

In order to better understand the elements of the five styles of conflict management, we will apply each to the follow scenario. Rosa and D’Shaun have been partners for seventeen years. Rosa is growing frustrated because D’Shaun continues to give money to their teenage daughter, Casey, even though they decided to keep the teen on a fixed allowance to try to teach her more responsibility. While conflicts regarding money and child rearing are very common, we will see the numerous ways that Rosa and D’Shaun could address this problem.

The competing style indicates a high concern for self and a low concern for other. When we compete, we are striving to “win” the conflict, potentially at the expense or “loss” of the other person. One way we may gauge our win is by being granted or taking concessions from the other person. For example, if D’Shaun gives Casey extra money behind Rosa’s back, he is taking an indirect competitive route resulting in a “win” for him because he got his way. The competing style also involves the use of power, which can be noncoercive or coercive (Sillars, 1980). Noncoercive strategies include requesting and persuading. When requesting, we suggest the conflict partner change a behavior. Requesting doesn’t require a high level of information exchange. When we persuade, however, we give our conflict partner reasons to support our request or suggestion, meaning there is more information exchange, which may make persuading more effective than requesting. Rosa could try to persuade D’Shaun to stop giving Casey extra allowance money by bringing up their fixed budget or reminding him that they are saving for a summer vacation. Coercive strategies violate standard guidelines for ethical communication and may include aggressive communication directed at rousing your partner’s emotions through insults, profanity, and yelling, or through threats of punishment if you do not get your way. If Rosa is the primary income earner in the family, she could use that power to threaten to take D’Shaun’s ATM card away if he continues giving Casey money. In all these scenarios, the “win” that could result is only short term and can lead to conflict escalation. Interpersonal conflict is rarely isolated, meaning there can be ripple effects that connect the current conflict to previous and future conflicts. D’Shaun’s behind-the-scenes money giving or Rosa’s confiscation of the ATM card could lead to built-up negative emotions that could further test their relationship.

Competing has been linked to aggression, although the two are not always paired. If assertiveness does not work, there is a chance it could escalate to hostility. There is a pattern of verbal escalation: requests, demands, complaints, angry statements, threats, harassment, and verbal abuse (Johnson & Roloff, 2000). Aggressive communication can become patterned, which can create a volatile and hostile environment. The reality television show The Bad Girls Club is a prime example of a chronically hostile and aggressive environment. If you do a Google video search for clips from the show, you will see yelling, screaming, verbal threats, and some examples of physical violence. The producers of the show choose houseguests who have histories of aggression, and when the “bad girls” are placed in a house together, they fall into typical patterns, which creates dramatic television moments. Obviously, living in this type of volatile environment would create stressors in any relationship, so it’s important to monitor the use of competing as a conflict resolution strategy to ensure that it does not lapse into aggression.

The competing style of conflict management is not the same thing as having a competitive personality. Competition in relationships isn’t always negative, and people who enjoy engaging in competition may not always do so at the expense of another person’s goals. In fact, research has shown that some couples engage in competitive shared activities like sports or games to maintain and enrich their relationship (Dindia & Baxter, 1987). And although we may think that competitiveness is gendered, research has often shown that women are just as competitive as men (Messman & Mikesell, 2000).

The avoiding style of conflict management often indicates a low concern for self and a low concern for other, and no direct communication about the conflict takes place. However, as we will discuss later, in some cultures that emphasize group harmony over individual interests, and even in some situations in the United States, avoiding a conflict can indicate a high level of concern for the other. In general, avoiding doesn’t mean that there is no communication about the conflict. Remember, you cannot not communicate . Even when we try to avoid conflict, we may intentionally or unintentionally give our feelings away through our verbal and nonverbal communication. Rosa’s sarcastic tone as she tells D’Shaun that he’s “Soooo good with money!” and his subsequent eye roll both bring the conflict to the surface without specifically addressing it. The avoiding style is either passive or indirect, meaning there is little information exchange, which may make this strategy less effective than others. We may decide to avoid conflict for many different reasons, some of which are better than others. If you view the conflict as having little importance to you, it may be better to ignore it. If the person you’re having conflict with will only be working in your office for a week, you may perceive a conflict to be temporary and choose to avoid it and hope that it will solve itself. If you are not emotionally invested in the conflict, you may be able to reframe your perspective and see the situation in a different way, therefore resolving the issue. In all these cases, avoiding doesn’t really require an investment of time, emotion, or communication skill, so there is not much at stake to lose.

Avoidance is not always an easy conflict management choice, because sometimes the person we have conflict with isn’t a temp in our office or a weekend houseguest. While it may be easy to tolerate a problem when you’re not personally invested in it or view it as temporary, when faced with a situation like Rosa and D’Shaun’s, avoidance would just make the problem worse. For example, avoidance could first manifest as changing the subject, then progress from avoiding the issue to avoiding the person altogether, to even ending the relationship.

Indirect strategies of hinting and joking also fall under the avoiding style. While these indirect avoidance strategies may lead to a buildup of frustration or even anger, they allow us to vent a little of our built-up steam and may make a conflict situation more bearable. When we hint, we drop clues that we hope our partner will find and piece together to see the problem and hopefully change, thereby solving the problem without any direct communication. In almost all the cases of hinting that I have experienced or heard about, the person dropping the hints overestimates their partner’s detective abilities. For example, when Rosa leaves the bank statement on the kitchen table in hopes that D’Shaun will realize how much extra money he is giving Casey, D’Shaun may simply ignore it or even get irritated with Rosa for not putting the statement with all the other mail. We also overestimate our partner’s ability to decode the jokes we make about a conflict situation. It is more likely that the receiver of the jokes will think you’re genuinely trying to be funny or feel provoked or insulted than realize the conflict situation that you are referencing. So more frustration may develop when the hints and jokes are not decoded, which often leads to a more extreme form of hinting/joking: passive-aggressive behavior.

Passive-aggressive behavior is a way of dealing with conflict in which one person indirectly communicates their negative thoughts or feelings through nonverbal behaviors, such as not completing a task. For example, Rosa may wait a few days to deposit money into the bank so D’Shaun can’t withdraw it to give to Casey, or D’Shaun may cancel plans for a romantic dinner because he feels like Rosa is questioning his responsibility with money. Although passive-aggressive behavior can feel rewarding in the moment, it is one of the most unproductive ways to deal with conflict. These behaviors may create additional conflicts and may lead to a cycle of passive-aggressiveness in which the other partner begins to exhibit these behaviors as well, while never actually addressing the conflict that originated the behavior. In most avoidance situations, both parties lose. However, as noted above, avoidance can be the most appropriate strategy in some situations—for example, when the conflict is temporary, when the stakes are low or there is little personal investment, or when there is the potential for violence or retaliation.

Accommodating

The accommodating conflict management style indicates a low concern for self and a high concern for other and is often viewed as passive or submissive, in that someone complies with or obliges another without providing personal input. The context for and motivation behind accommodating play an important role in whether or not it is an appropriate strategy. Generally, we accommodate because we are being generous, we are obeying, or we are yielding (Bobot, 2010). If we are being generous, we accommodate because we genuinely want to; if we are obeying, we don’t have a choice but to accommodate (perhaps due to the potential for negative consequences or punishment); and if we yield, we may have our own views or goals but give up on them due to fatigue, time constraints, or because a better solution has been offered. Accommodating can be appropriate when there is little chance that our own goals can be achieved, when we don’t have much to lose by accommodating, when we feel we are wrong, or when advocating for our own needs could negatively affect the relationship (Isenhart & Spangle, 2000). The occasional accommodation can be useful in maintaining a relationship—remember earlier we discussed putting another’s needs before your own as a way to achieve relational goals. For example, Rosa may say, “It’s OK that you gave Casey some extra money; she did have to spend more on gas this week since the prices went up.” However, being a team player can slip into being a pushover, which people generally do not appreciate. If Rosa keeps telling D’Shaun, “It’s OK this time,” they may find themselves short on spending money at the end of the month. At that point, Rosa and D’Shaun’s conflict may escalate as they question each other’s motives, or the conflict may spread if they direct their frustration at Casey and blame it on her irresponsibility.

Research has shown that the accommodating style is more likely to occur when there are time restraints and less likely to occur when someone does not want to appear weak (Cai & Fink, 2002). If you’re standing outside the movie theatre and two movies are starting, you may say, “Let’s just have it your way,” so you don’t miss the beginning. If you’re a new manager at an electronics store and an employee wants to take Sunday off to watch a football game, you may say no to set an example for the other employees. As with avoiding, there are certain cultural influences we will discuss later that make accommodating a more effective strategy.

Compromising

The compromising style shows a moderate concern for self and other and may indicate that there is a low investment in the conflict and/or the relationship. Even though we often hear that the best way to handle a conflict is to compromise, the compromising style isn’t a win/win solution; it is a partial win/lose. In essence, when we compromise, we give up some or most of what we want. It’s true that the conflict gets resolved temporarily, but lingering thoughts of what you gave up could lead to a future conflict. Compromising may be a good strategy when there are time limitations or when prolonging a conflict may lead to relationship deterioration. Compromise may also be good when both parties have equal power or when other resolution strategies have not worked (Macintosh & Stevens, 2008).

Compromising may help conflicting parties come to a resolution, but neither may be completely satisfied if they each had to give something up.

Broad Bean Media – handshake – CC BY-SA 2.0.

A negative of compromising is that it may be used as an easy way out of a conflict. The compromising style is most effective when both parties find the solution agreeable. Rosa and D’Shaun could decide that Casey’s allowance does need to be increased and could each give ten more dollars a week by committing to taking their lunch to work twice a week instead of eating out. They are both giving up something, and if neither of them have a problem with taking their lunch to work, then the compromise was equitable. If the couple agrees that the twenty extra dollars a week should come out of D’Shaun’s golf budget, the compromise isn’t as equitable, and D’Shaun, although he agreed to the compromise, may end up with feelings of resentment. Wouldn’t it be better to both win?

Collaborating

The collaborating style involves a high degree of concern for self and other and usually indicates investment in the conflict situation and the relationship. Although the collaborating style takes the most work in terms of communication competence, it ultimately leads to a win/win situation in which neither party has to make concessions because a mutually beneficial solution is discovered or created. The obvious advantage is that both parties are satisfied, which could lead to positive problem solving in the future and strengthen the overall relationship. For example, Rosa and D’Shaun may agree that Casey’s allowance needs to be increased and may decide to give her twenty more dollars a week in exchange for her babysitting her little brother one night a week. In this case, they didn’t make the conflict personal but focused on the situation and came up with a solution that may end up saving them money. The disadvantage is that this style is often time consuming, and only one person may be willing to use this approach while the other person is eager to compete to meet their goals or willing to accommodate.

Here are some tips for collaborating and achieving a win/win outcome (Hargie, 2011):

• Do not view the conflict as a contest you are trying to win.
• Remain flexible and realize there are solutions yet to be discovered.
• Distinguish the people from the problem (don’t make it personal).
• Determine what the underlying needs are that are driving the other person’s demands (needs can still be met through different demands).
• Identify areas of common ground or shared interests that you can work from to develop solutions.
• Ask questions to allow them to clarify and to help you understand their perspective.
• Listen carefully and provide verbal and nonverbal feedback.

“Getting Competent”

Handling Roommate Conflicts

Whether you have a roommate by choice, by necessity, or through the random selection process of your school’s housing office, it’s important to be able to get along with the person who shares your living space. While having a roommate offers many benefits such as making a new friend, having someone to experience a new situation like college life with, and having someone to split the cost on your own with, there are also challenges. Some common roommate conflicts involve neatness, noise, having guests, sharing possessions, value conflicts, money conflicts, and personality conflicts (Ball State University, 2001). Read the following scenarios and answer the following questions for each one:

• Which conflict management style, from the five discussed, would you use in this situation?
• What are the potential strengths of using this style?
• What are the potential weaknesses of using this style?

Scenario 1: Neatness. Your college dorm has bunk beds, and your roommate takes a lot of time making his bed (the bottom bunk) each morning. He has told you that he doesn’t want anyone sitting on or sleeping in his bed when he is not in the room. While he is away for the weekend, your friend comes to visit and sits on the bottom bunk bed. You tell him what your roommate said, and you try to fix the bed back before he returns to the dorm. When he returns, he notices that his bed has been disturbed and he confronts you about it.

Scenario 2: Noise and having guests. Your roommate has a job waiting tables and gets home around midnight on Thursday nights. She often brings a couple friends from work home with her. They watch television, listen to music, or play video games and talk and laugh. You have an 8 a.m. class on Friday mornings and are usually asleep when she returns. Last Friday, you talked to her and asked her to keep it down in the future. Tonight, their noise has woken you up and you can’t get back to sleep.

Scenario 3: Sharing possessions. When you go out to eat, you often bring back leftovers to have for lunch the next day during your short break between classes. You didn’t have time to eat breakfast, and you’re really excited about having your leftover pizza for lunch until you get home and see your roommate sitting on the couch eating the last slice.

Scenario 4: Money conflicts. Your roommate got mono and missed two weeks of work last month. Since he has a steady job and you have some savings, you cover his portion of the rent and agree that he will pay your portion next month. The next month comes around and he informs you that he only has enough to pay his half.

Scenario 5: Value and personality conflicts. You like to go out to clubs and parties and have friends over, but your roommate is much more of an introvert. You’ve tried to get her to come out with you or join the party at your place, but she’d rather study. One day she tells you that she wants to break the lease so she can move out early to live with one of her friends. You both signed the lease, so you have to agree or she can’t do it. If you break the lease, you automatically lose your portion of the security deposit.

Culture and Conflict

Culture is an important context to consider when studying conflict, and recent research has called into question some of the assumptions of the five conflict management styles discussed so far, which were formulated with a Western bias (Oetzel, Garcia, & Ting-Toomey, 2008). For example, while the avoiding style of conflict has been cast as negative, with a low concern for self and other or as a lose/lose outcome, this research found that participants in the United States, Germany, China, and Japan all viewed avoiding strategies as demonstrating a concern for the other. While there are some generalizations we can make about culture and conflict, it is better to look at more specific patterns of how interpersonal communication and conflict management are related. We can better understand some of the cultural differences in conflict management by further examining the concept of face .

What does it mean to “save face?” This saying generally refers to preventing embarrassment or preserving our reputation or image, which is similar to the concept of face in interpersonal and intercultural communication. Our face is the projected self we desire to put into the world, and facework refers to the communicative strategies we employ to project, maintain, or repair our face or maintain, repair, or challenge another’s face. Face negotiation theory argues that people in all cultures negotiate face through communication encounters, and that cultural factors influence how we engage in facework, especially in conflict situations (Oetzel & Ting-Toomey, 2003). These cultural factors influence whether we are more concerned with self-face or other-face and what types of conflict management strategies we may use. One key cultural influence on face negotiation is the distinction between individualistic and collectivistic cultures.

The distinction between individualistic and collectivistic cultures is an important dimension across which all cultures vary. Individualistic cultures like the United States and most of Europe emphasize individual identity over group identity and encourage competition and self-reliance. Collectivistic cultures like Taiwan, Colombia, China, Japan, Vietnam, and Peru value in-group identity over individual identity and value conformity to social norms of the in-group (Dsilva & Whyte, 1998). However, within the larger cultures, individuals will vary in the degree to which they view themselves as part of a group or as a separate individual, which is called self-construal. Independent self-construal indicates a perception of the self as an individual with unique feelings, thoughts, and motivations. Interdependent self-construal indicates a perception of the self as interrelated with others (Oetzel & Ting-Toomey, 2003). Not surprisingly, people from individualistic cultures are more likely to have higher levels of independent self-construal, and people from collectivistic cultures are more likely to have higher levels of interdependent self-construal. Self-construal and individualistic or collectivistic cultural orientations affect how people engage in facework and the conflict management styles they employ.

Self-construal alone does not have a direct effect on conflict style, but it does affect face concerns, with independent self-construal favoring self-face concerns and interdependent self-construal favoring other-face concerns. There are specific facework strategies for different conflict management styles, and these strategies correspond to self-face concerns or other-face concerns.

• Accommodating. Giving in (self-face concern).
• Avoiding. Pretending conflict does not exist (other-face concern).
• Competing. Defending your position, persuading (self-face concern).
• Collaborating. Apologizing, having a private discussion, remaining calm (other-face concern) (Oetzel, Garcia, & Ting-Toomey, 2008).

Research done on college students in Germany, Japan, China, and the United States found that those with independent self-construal were more likely to engage in competing, and those with interdependent self-construal were more likely to engage in avoiding or collaborating (Oetzel & Ting-Toomey, 2003). And in general, this research found that members of collectivistic cultures were more likely to use the avoiding style of conflict management and less likely to use the integrating or competing styles of conflict management than were members of individualistic cultures. The following examples bring together facework strategies, cultural orientations, and conflict management style: Someone from an individualistic culture may be more likely to engage in competing as a conflict management strategy if they are directly confronted, which may be an attempt to defend their reputation (self-face concern). Someone in a collectivistic culture may be more likely to engage in avoiding or accommodating in order not to embarrass or anger the person confronting them (other-face concern) or out of concern that their reaction could reflect negatively on their family or cultural group (other-face concern). While these distinctions are useful for categorizing large-scale cultural patterns, it is important not to essentialize or arbitrarily group countries together, because there are measurable differences within cultures. For example, expressing one’s emotions was seen as demonstrating a low concern for other-face in Japan, but this was not so in China, which shows there is variety between similarly collectivistic cultures. Culture always adds layers of complexity to any communication phenomenon, but experiencing and learning from other cultures also enriches our lives and makes us more competent communicators.

Handling Conflict Better

Conflict is inevitable and it is not inherently negative. A key part of developing interpersonal communication competence involves being able to effectively manage the conflict you will encounter in all your relationships. One key part of handling conflict better is to notice patterns of conflict in specific relationships and to generally have an idea of what causes you to react negatively and what your reactions usually are.

Identifying Conflict Patterns

Much of the research on conflict patterns has been done on couples in romantic relationships, but the concepts and findings are applicable to other relationships. Four common triggers for conflict are criticism, demand, cumulative annoyance, and rejection (Christensen & Jacobson, 2000). We all know from experience that criticism, or comments that evaluate another person’s personality, behavior, appearance, or life choices, may lead to conflict. Comments do not have to be meant as criticism to be perceived as such. If Gary comes home from college for the weekend and his mom says, “Looks like you put on a few pounds,” she may view this as a statement of fact based on observation. Gary, however, may take the comment personally and respond negatively back to his mom, starting a conflict that will last for the rest of his visit. A simple but useful strategy to manage the trigger of criticism is to follow the old adage “Think before you speak.” In many cases, there are alternative ways to phrase things that may be taken less personally, or we may determine that our comment doesn’t need to be spoken at all. I’ve learned that a majority of the thoughts that we have about another person’s physical appearance, whether positive or negative, do not need to be verbalized. Ask yourself, “What is my motivation for making this comment?” and “Do I have anything to lose by not making this comment?” If your underlying reasons for asking are valid, perhaps there is another way to phrase your observation. If Gary’s mom is worried about his eating habits and health, she could wait until they’re eating dinner and ask him how he likes the food choices at school and what he usually eats.

Demands also frequently trigger conflict, especially if the demand is viewed as unfair or irrelevant. It’s important to note that demands rephrased as questions may still be or be perceived as demands. Tone of voice and context are important factors here. When you were younger, you may have asked a parent, teacher, or elder for something and heard back “Ask nicely.” As with criticism, thinking before you speak and before you respond can help manage demands and minimize conflict episodes. As we discussed earlier, demands are sometimes met with withdrawal rather than a verbal response. If you are doing the demanding, remember a higher level of information exchange may make your demand clearer or more reasonable to the other person. If you are being demanded of, responding calmly and expressing your thoughts and feelings are likely more effective than withdrawing, which may escalate the conflict.

Cumulative annoyance is a building of frustration or anger that occurs over time, eventually resulting in a conflict interaction. For example, your friend shows up late to drive you to class three times in a row. You didn’t say anything the previous times, but on the third time you say, “You’re late again! If you can’t get here on time, I’ll find another way to get to class.” Cumulative annoyance can build up like a pressure cooker, and as it builds up, the intensity of the conflict also builds. Criticism and demands can also play into cumulative annoyance. We have all probably let critical or demanding comments slide, but if they continue, it becomes difficult to hold back, and most of us have a breaking point. The problem here is that all the other incidents come back to your mind as you confront the other person, which usually intensifies the conflict. You’ve likely been surprised when someone has blown up at you due to cumulative annoyance or surprised when someone you have blown up at didn’t know there was a problem building. A good strategy for managing cumulative annoyance is to monitor your level of annoyance and occasionally let some steam out of the pressure cooker by processing through your frustration with a third party or directly addressing what is bothering you with the source.

No one likes the feeling of rejection. Rejection can lead to conflict when one person’s comments or behaviors are perceived as ignoring or invalidating the other person. Vulnerability is a component of any close relationship. When we care about someone, we verbally or nonverbally communicate. We may tell our best friend that we miss them, or plan a home-cooked meal for our partner who is working late. The vulnerability that underlies these actions comes from the possibility that our relational partner will not notice or appreciate them. When someone feels exposed or rejected, they often respond with anger to mask their hurt, which ignites a conflict. Managing feelings of rejection is difficult because it is so personal, but controlling the impulse to assume that your relational partner is rejecting you, and engaging in communication rather than reflexive reaction, can help put things in perspective. If your partner doesn’t get excited about the meal you planned and cooked, it could be because he or she is physically or mentally tired after a long day. Concepts discussed in Chapter 2 “Communication and Perception” can be useful here, as perception checking, taking inventory of your attributions, and engaging in information exchange to help determine how each person is punctuating the conflict are useful ways of managing all four of the triggers discussed.

Interpersonal conflict may take the form of serial arguing , which is a repeated pattern of disagreement over an issue. Serial arguments do not necessarily indicate negative or troubled relationships, but any kind of patterned conflict is worth paying attention to. There are three patterns that occur with serial arguing: repeating, mutual hostility, and arguing with assurances (Johnson & Roloff, 2000). The first pattern is repeating, which means reminding the other person of your complaint (what you want them to start/stop doing). The pattern may continue if the other person repeats their response to your reminder. For example, if Marita reminds Kate that she doesn’t appreciate her sarcastic tone, and Kate responds, “I’m soooo sorry, I forgot how perfect you are,” then the reminder has failed to effect the desired change. A predictable pattern of complaint like this leads participants to view the conflict as irresolvable. The second pattern within serial arguments is mutual hostility, which occurs when the frustration of repeated conflict leads to negative emotions and increases the likelihood of verbal aggression. Again, a predictable pattern of hostility makes the conflict seem irresolvable and may lead to relationship deterioration. Whereas the first two patterns entail an increase in pressure on the participants in the conflict, the third pattern offers some relief. If people in an interpersonal conflict offer verbal assurances of their commitment to the relationship, then the problems associated with the other two patterns of serial arguing may be ameliorated. Even though the conflict may not be solved in the interaction, the verbal assurances of commitment imply that there is a willingness to work on solving the conflict in the future, which provides a sense of stability that can benefit the relationship. Although serial arguing is not inherently bad within a relationship, if the pattern becomes more of a vicious cycle, it can lead to alienation, polarization, and an overall toxic climate, and the problem may seem so irresolvable that people feel trapped and terminate the relationship (Christensen & Jacobson, 2000). There are some negative, but common, conflict reactions we can monitor and try to avoid, which may also help prevent serial arguing.

Two common conflict pitfalls are one-upping and mindreading (Gottman, 1994). is a quick reaction to communication from another person that escalates the conflict. If Sam comes home late from work and Nicki says, “I wish you would call when you’re going to be late” and Sam responds, “I wish you would get off my back,” the reaction has escalated the conflict. Mindreading is communication in which one person attributes something to the other using generalizations. If Sam says, “You don’t care whether I come home at all or not!” she is presuming to know Nicki’s thoughts and feelings. Nicki is likely to respond defensively, perhaps saying, “You don’t know how I’m feeling!” One-upping and mindreading are often reactions that are more reflexive than deliberate. Remember concepts like attribution and punctuation in these moments. Nicki may have received bad news and was eager to get support from Sam when she arrived home. Although Sam perceives Nicki’s comment as criticism and justifies her comments as a reaction to Nicki’s behavior, Nicki’s comment could actually be a sign of their closeness, in that Nicki appreciates Sam’s emotional support. Sam could have said, “I know, I’m sorry, I was on my cell phone for the past hour with a client who had a lot of problems to work out.” Taking a moment to respond mindfully rather than react with a knee-jerk reflex can lead to information exchange, which could deescalate the conflict.

Mindreading leads to patterned conflict, because we wrongly presume to know what another person is thinking.

Slipperroom – Mysterion the Mind Reader – CC BY-NC 2.0.

Validating the person with whom you are in conflict can be an effective way to deescalate conflict. While avoiding or retreating may seem like the best option in the moment, one of the key negative traits found in research on married couples’ conflicts was withdrawal, which as we learned before may result in a demand-withdrawal pattern of conflict. Often validation can be as simple as demonstrating good listening skills discussed earlier in this book by making eye contact and giving verbal and nonverbal back-channel cues like saying “mmm-hmm” or nodding your head (Gottman, 1994). This doesn’t mean that you have to give up your own side in a conflict or that you agree with what the other person is saying; rather, you are hearing the other person out, which validates them and may also give you some more information about the conflict that could minimize the likelihood of a reaction rather than a response.

As with all the aspects of communication competence we have discussed so far, you cannot expect that everyone you interact with will have the same knowledge of communication that you have after reading this book. But it often only takes one person with conflict management skills to make an interaction more effective. Remember that it’s not the quantity of conflict that determines a relationship’s success; it’s how the conflict is managed, and one person’s competent response can deescalate a conflict. Now we turn to a discussion of negotiation steps and skills as a more structured way to manage conflict.

Negotiation Steps and Skills

We negotiate daily. We may negotiate with a professor to make up a missed assignment or with our friends to plan activities for the weekend. Negotiation in interpersonal conflict refers to the process of attempting to change or influence conditions within a relationship. The negotiation skills discussed next can be adapted to all types of relational contexts, from romantic partners to coworkers. The stages of negotiating are prenegotiation, opening, exploration, bargaining, and settlement (Hargie, 2011).

In the prenegotiation stage, you want to prepare for the encounter. If possible, let the other person know you would like to talk to them, and preview the topic, so they will also have the opportunity to prepare. While it may seem awkward to “set a date” to talk about a conflict, if the other person feels like they were blindsided, their reaction could be negative. Make your preview simple and nonthreatening by saying something like “I’ve noticed that we’ve been arguing a lot about who does what chores around the house. Can we sit down and talk tomorrow when we both get home from class?” Obviously, it won’t always be feasible to set a date if the conflict needs to be handled immediately because the consequences are immediate or if you or the other person has limited availability. In that case, you can still prepare, but make sure you allot time for the other person to digest and respond. During this stage you also want to figure out your goals for the interaction by reviewing your instrumental, relational, and self-presentation goals. Is getting something done, preserving the relationship, or presenting yourself in a certain way the most important? For example, you may highly rank the instrumental goal of having a clean house, or the relational goal of having pleasant interactions with your roommate, or the self-presentation goal of appearing nice and cooperative. Whether your roommate is your best friend from high school or a stranger the school matched you up with could determine the importance of your relational and self-presentation goals. At this point, your goal analysis may lead you away from negotiation—remember, as we discussed earlier, avoiding can be an appropriate and effective conflict management strategy. If you decide to proceed with the negotiation, you will want to determine your ideal outcome and your bottom line, or the point at which you decide to break off negotiation. It’s very important that you realize there is a range between your ideal and your bottom line and that remaining flexible is key to a successful negotiation—remember, through collaboration a new solution could be found that you didn’t think of.

In the opening stage of the negotiation, you want to set the tone for the interaction because the other person will be likely to reciprocate. Generally, it is good to be cooperative and pleasant, which can help open the door for collaboration. You also want to establish common ground by bringing up overlapping interests and using “we” language. It would not be competent to open the negotiation with “You’re such a slob! Didn’t your mom ever teach you how to take care of yourself?” Instead, you may open the negotiation by making small talk about classes that day and then move into the issue at hand. You could set a good tone and establish common ground by saying, “We both put a lot of work into setting up and decorating our space, but now that classes have started, I’ve noticed that we’re really busy and some chores are not getting done.” With some planning and a simple opening like that, you can move into the next stage of negotiation.

There should be a high level of information exchange in the exploration stage. The overarching goal in this stage is to get a panoramic view of the conflict by sharing your perspective and listening to the other person. In this stage, you will likely learn how the other person is punctuating the conflict. Although you may have been mulling over the mess for a few days, your roommate may just now be aware of the conflict. She may also inform you that she usually cleans on Sundays but didn’t get to last week because she unexpectedly had to visit her parents. The information that you gather here may clarify the situation enough to end the conflict and cease negotiation. If negotiation continues, the information will be key as you move into the bargaining stage.

The bargaining stage is where you make proposals and concessions. The proposal you make should be informed by what you learned in the exploration stage. Flexibility is important here, because you may have to revise your ideal outcome and bottom line based on new information. If your plan was to have a big cleaning day every Thursday, you may now want to propose to have the roommate clean on Sunday while you clean on Wednesday. You want to make sure your opening proposal is reasonable and not presented as an ultimatum. “I don’t ever want to see a dish left in the sink” is different from “When dishes are left in the sink too long, they stink and get gross. Can we agree to not leave any dishes in the sink overnight?” Through the proposals you make, you could end up with a win/win situation. If there are areas of disagreement, however, you may have to make concessions or compromise, which can be a partial win or a partial loss. If you hate doing dishes but don’t mind emptying the trash and recycling, you could propose to assign those chores based on preference. If you both hate doing dishes, you could propose to be responsible for washing your own dishes right after you use them. If you really hate dishes and have some extra money, you could propose to use disposable (and hopefully recyclable) dishes, cups, and utensils.

In the settlement stage, you want to decide on one of the proposals and then summarize the chosen proposal and any related concessions. It is possible that each party can have a different view of the agreed solution. If your roommate thinks you are cleaning the bathroom every other day and you plan to clean it on Wednesdays, then there could be future conflict. You could summarize and ask for confirmation by saying, “So, it looks like I’ll be in charge of the trash and recycling, and you’ll load and unload the dishwasher. Then I’ll do a general cleaning on Wednesdays and you’ll do the same on Sundays. Is that right?” Last, you’ll need to follow up on the solution to make sure it’s working for both parties. If your roommate goes home again next Sunday and doesn’t get around to cleaning, you may need to go back to the exploration or bargaining stage.

Key Takeaways

• Interpersonal conflict is an inevitable part of relationships that, although not always negative, can take an emotional toll on relational partners unless they develop skills and strategies for managing conflict.
• Although there is no absolute right or wrong way to handle a conflict, there are five predominant styles of conflict management, which are competing, avoiding, accommodating, compromising, and collaborating.
• Perception plays an important role in conflict management because we are often biased in determining the cause of our own and others’ behaviors in a conflict situation, which necessitates engaging in communication to gain information and perspective.
• Culture influences how we engage in conflict based on our cultural norms regarding individualism or collectivism and concern for self-face or other-face.
• We can handle conflict better by identifying patterns and triggers such as demands, cumulative annoyance, and rejection and by learning to respond mindfully rather than reflexively.
• Of the five conflict management strategies, is there one that you use more often than others? Why or why not? Do you think people are predisposed to one style over the others based on their personality or other characteristics? If so, what personality traits do you think would lead a person to each style?
• Review the example of D’Shaun and Rosa. If you were in their situation, what do you think the best style to use would be and why?
• Of the conflict triggers discussed (demands, cumulative annoyance, rejection, one-upping, and mindreading) which one do you find most often triggers a negative reaction from you? What strategies can you use to better manage the trigger and more effectively manage conflict?

Ball State University, “Roommate Conflicts,” accessed June 16, 2001, http://cms.bsu.edu/CampusLife/CounselingCenter/VirtualSelfHelpLibrary/RoommateIssues.aspx .

Bobot, L., “Conflict Management in Buyer-Seller Relationships,” Conflict Resolution Quarterly 27, no. 3 (2010): 296.

Cai, D. A. and Edward L. Fink, “Conflict Style Differences between Individualists and Collectivists,” Communication Monographs 69, no. 1 (2002): 67–87.

Canary, D. J. and Susan J. Messman, “Relationship Conflict,” in Close Relationships: A Sourcebook , eds. Clyde Hendrick and Susan S. Hendrick (Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage, 2000), 261–70.

Christensen, A. and Neil S. Jacobson, Reconcilable Differences (New York: Guilford Press, 2000), 17–20.

Dindia, K. and Leslie A. Baxter, “Strategies for Maintaining and Repairing Marital Relationships,” Journal of Social and Personal Relationships 4, no. 2 (1987): 143–58.

Dsilva, M. U. and Lisa O. Whyte, “Cultural Differences in Conflict Styles: Vietnamese Refugees and Established Residents,” Howard Journal of Communication 9 (1998): 59.

Gates, S., “Time to Take Negotiation Seriously,” Industrial and Commercial Training 38 (2006): 238–41.

Gottman, J. M., What Predicts Divorce?: The Relationship between Marital Processes and Marital Outcomes (Hillsdale, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates, 1994). One-upping

Hargie, O., Skilled Interpersonal Interaction: Research, Theory, and Practice (London: Routledge, 2011), 406–7, 430.

Isenhart, M. W. and Michael Spangle, Collaborative Approaches to Resolving Conflict (Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage, 2000), 26.

Johnson, K. L. and Michael E. Roloff, “Correlates of the Perceived Resolvability and Relational Consequences of Serial Arguing in Dating Relationships: Argumentative Features and the Use of Coping Strategies,” Journal of Social and Personal Relationships 17, no. 4–5 (2000): 677–78.

Macintosh, G. and Charles Stevens, “Personality, Motives, and Conflict Strategies in Everyday Service Encounters,” International Journal of Conflict Management 19, no. 2 (2008): 115.

Markman, H. J., Mari Jo Renick, Frank J. Floyd, Scott M. Stanley, and Mari Clements, “Preventing Marital Distress through Communication and Conflict Management Training: A 4- and 5-Year Follow-Up,” Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology 61, no. 1 (1993): 70–77.

Messman, S. J. and Rebecca L. Mikesell, “Competition and Interpersonal Conflict in Dating Relationships,” Communication Reports 13, no. 1 (2000): 32.

Oetzel, J., Adolfo J. Garcia, and Stella Ting-Toomey, “An Analysis of the Relationships among Face Concerns and Facework Behaviors in Perceived Conflict Situations: A Four-Culture Investigation,” International Journal of Conflict Management 19, no. 4 (2008): 382–403.

Reese-Weber, M. and Suzanne Bartle-Haring, “Conflict Resolution Styles in Family Subsystems and Adolescent Romantic Relationships,” Journal of Youth and Adolescence 27, no. 6 (1998): 735–52.

Sillars, A. L., “Attributions and Communication in Roommate Conflicts,” Communication Monographs 47, no. 3 (1980): 180–200.

• “Mediator on Best Career List for 2011,” UNCG Program in Conflict and Peace Studies Blog, accessed November 5, 2012, http://conresuncg.blogspot.com/2011/04/mediator-on-best-career-list-for-2011.html . ↵

Communication in the Real World Copyright © 2016 by University of Minnesota is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 4.0 International License , except where otherwise noted.

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12.2: Teams – The Problem Solving Process

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Life is full of challenges. A huge part of life is solving those challenges. Sometimes those challenges are at home – how do we keep pine needles from clogging our gutters? Other times they are at work. Ford Motor Company is spending a lot more money fixing product defects after the car has left the factory lot than General Motors.

Teams exist to solve problems. That’s true whether it’s a committee the PTA president has put together to figure out how to raise money for new playground equipment or a team to launch a new product. Often a big problem turns out to be a problem wrapped in a problem wrapped in a problem wrapped in a . . . . well, you get the idea. So, one large team might be composed of a number of smaller teams, each focused on solving one part of a larger problem.

In the following video, Ariana Glantz shares her approach to tackling each day’s problems with a solution-minded point of view.

Find Problem, Solve Problem | Ariana Glantz | TEXxMemphis

• What are the five components of being solution-minded? Be prepared to discuss in class. If an online class, list the five steps.

But what, exactly, is the problem-solving process? This video gives a seven-step process for both personal and professional life. Watch this video and identify the seven steps.

How to solve any real-life problem with these 7 steps (Problem solving explained)

• List and explain each of the seven steps. In an online class, submit the list to your instructor. In a face-to-face class, this will be discussed in class.

Only an engineering graduate student would have applied the problem-solving process to making a small boat to sail in a cocktail. See how she did it, here:

Problem-Solving Process

Your instructor will assign you to a team. You and your teammates will define a social problem and develop a solution. The solution will be presented in class in the form of a PowerPoint (or similar) presentation.

Ace the Presentation

The 7 Key Steps of Effective Interpersonal Problem-Solving

Any interpersonal relationship involving two or more distinct people is susceptible to having misunderstandings, in which one does not agree, and the other has divergent opinions and views. These misunderstandings can lead to conflicts that, if properly solved, can generate significant progress in the relationship, strengthening it.

If you are wondering what are the 7 Key Steps of Effective Interpersonal Problem-Solving , then please find the list below:

• Don’t be afraid to admit the problem exists.
• Remain positive
• Find the ROOT of the problem.
• Choose the RIGHT MOMENT
• Make Good-Points
• Be communicative
• Know how to listen

Before we go to each step, let’s talk about how interpersonal problems can come up. Conflict is a natural exchange of energies, however often seen as unfavorable because most people can’t manage stress, can’t be honest with themselves and others, and go with the mindset of being right.

Highly Recommended Article:

9 Great Ways to Improve Interpersonal Skills

What are the Major causes of Interpersonal Conflicts?

That being so, and knowing that we cannot avoid conflicts, it is essential to understand them to resolve them in the best way. Then there will be clues as to how best to resolve disputes.

How to Resolve Interpersonal Conflicts?

Denial does nothing to improve the situation, quite the contrary because it allows the issue to increase over time. There is no point in delaying their afflictions, as they will continue where they are and as a snowball until they reach an insoluble plateau. Admitting you have a problem allows you to think about a solution.

Where should we start now that we are not afraid to admit there is a problem?

• Identify the problem (try to understand what bothers us, how does it make you feel?);
•  Prepare the essential points you want to expose to each other;
• What can you do to change the situation?
• Brainstorm ideas on how you could talk and solve this situation.
• Remain Positive

We must not regard misunderstanding as persecution or an attempt to strike at us. By being positive, we assumed that the other person had good intentions and that a supposed lack of communication between us created a problem.

Moreover, by seeking to act positively in solving the problem, it is clear that we are not seeking intrigue, only the most sensible solution.

Thoughts motivate our actions, so it is of paramount importance that we always have good views.

Positive thinking gives us a vision of hope that things can improve and that nothing is eternal, not problems and difficulties. In addition to the personal benefits that this positive-thinking brings, you end up influencing the people around you with such thoughts.

• Find the ROOT of the Problem

Some of the main concerns we have stem from internalized issues, and unresolved feelings. Thus, it becomes essential to avoid hiding your feelings from others and ourselves.

By not admitting that we care about a particular question, we can go into denial and accumulate the problem, so we stop looking for a suitable solution.

It is all right that we feel shaken, sad, and a little bewildered to some degree with situations that seem to evade its possibilities of resolution. What can’t happen is that we let those feelings get in the way of the day-to-day interactions with the people around us.

It is often not advisable to resolve a conflict immediately when it occurs, but rather to allow a short interval so that the strong emotions that appear at the time of its occurrence do not make you say things you will regret. 

Besides, this break also gives you time for preparation (thinking well about what you want and how you want to say things). It is also essential to choose a time when there is time to speak calmly.

HOW TO CHOOSE THE RIGHT MOMENT TO SOLVE A CONFLICT:

• Don’t try to talk about it right away; go home, relax and then reflect on it;
• It is not a good idea to try problem-solving with other people around us, and the person may feel attacked or exposed.

Yelling was never an excellent option to solve anything; take your pride out of the spotlight. We need to stay focused on what’s best for everyone and not our ego. Know precisely where we’re going with that discussion. Have clear, convincing arguments and look for the best way to use them.

HOW TO MAKE GOOD-POINTS DURING PROBLEM-SOLVING:

• We need to have listed everything that affected us and how;
• We conduct the conversation to bring understanding, for that we should critique constructively;
• To critique constructively, we should compliment his or their qualities and then explain how it affected us;
• After that, we should propose help by having a suggestion of how the change would look like.
• Be Communicative 

The lack of clear information about specific processes or each one’s function within the organization leads to misinterpreted information. In this sense, clear, concise, and timely communication reduces the number and severity of conflicts.

TIPS ON HOW TO BECOME MORE COMMUNICATIVE:

• It uses first-person phrases “I feel like…” “I think…”, “It made me understand “;
• Keep to the critical/essential things (stick to the key points)
• Explain what this conflict means to you;
• Don’t blame or worry about reacting to each other;

• Know how to Listen 

Knowing how to listen to means being attentive to what is being said, understanding how the person behaves when positioning their arguments, and understanding their reasons. If we are always trying to answer to justify our actions, there is no possible understanding.

To listen, we need to consider first dialogue or a conversation that involves two or more people.

TIPS TO KNOW HOW TO LISTEN:

• Don’t interrupt someone else. Let them make their point;
• Focus your attention on what the other person is saying at that moment, and don’t think about the possible answers you can give them.

If there is a problem that needs to be solved, there is a behavioral pattern to be overcome or an action to be taken in the face of an individual circumstance. Problem-solving involves taking a proactive attitude.

References and Further Reading

KRASNER, Linda. Interpersonal Problem-Solving. Research Gate.

FLYNN, Katie. Steps to Interpersonal Problem Solving. Prezi.

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Understanding interpersonal therapy.

Interpersonal Therapy (IPT) is a form of psychotherapy that focuses on the connection between  interpersonal relationships  and emotional healing. By exploring and addressing the challenges individuals face in their relationships, IPT aims to improve psychological well-being and alleviate various mental health conditions. This section will provide an overview of what IPT entails and highlight the role of interpersonal relationships in the process of emotional healing.

What is Interpersonal Therapy?

Interpersonal Therapy is a short-term, evidence-based therapy that was initially developed to treat  major depressive disorder . However, its efficacy has since been demonstrated in the treatment of other mental health conditions, such as  anxiety disorders ,  eating disorders ,  grief , and more.

One of the core principles of IPT is the understanding that our  interpersonal relationships  significantly influence our emotional well-being. The therapy acknowledges that difficulties in relationships, life transitions, and unresolved grief can contribute to the development or exacerbation of mental health symptoms. By addressing these interpersonal problems, IPT aims to alleviate emotional distress and foster healthier relationships.

IPT typically consists of a structured and time-limited treatment plan, ranging from 8 to 20 sessions. The therapy is collaborative, with the therapist and client working together to identify and address specific interpersonal issues. The therapist helps the client develop strategies for improving communication, problem-solving, and managing emotions within relationships.

The Role of Interpersonal Relationships in Emotional Healing

Interpersonal relationships play a crucial role in our lives and have a profound impact on our emotional well-being. Positive and supportive relationships can provide a sense of belonging, validation, and emotional support. On the other hand, strained or conflict-ridden relationships can contribute to feelings of distress, loneliness, and low self-esteem.

In the context of Interpersonal Therapy, the focus is on understanding how these relationships influence our mental health. By examining the patterns of interaction, communication styles, and unresolved conflicts within our relationships, we can gain insight into the root causes of emotional distress.

Through IPT, individuals learn to identify and address problematic relationship patterns and develop healthier ways of relating to others. This may involve improving communication skills, setting boundaries, resolving conflicts, and enhancing problem-solving abilities.

By addressing interpersonal challenges, individuals can experience significant emotional healing and symptom reduction. IPT empowers individuals to develop more fulfilling and satisfying relationships, leading to improved overall well-being.

In the next section, we will explore some of the  key techniques  used in Interpersonal Therapy, such as communication analysis, role play, and problem-solving, which help individuals navigate their interpersonal relationships more effectively. For more information on specific applications of IPT, such as its use in treating depression or anxiety, you can refer to our articles on  interpersonal therapy for depression  and  interpersonal therapy for anxiety .

Key Techniques in Interpersonal Therapy

Interpersonal therapy utilizes various techniques to address emotional issues and promote healing within the context of interpersonal relationships. These techniques focus on enhancing communication, role-playing, and problem-solving skills. By exploring these key techniques, individuals can develop healthier and more fulfilling relationships.

Communication Analysis

Communication analysis  is a fundamental technique in interpersonal therapy that involves examining patterns in verbal and nonverbal communication. This technique helps individuals identify and understand how their communication styles impact their relationships. By gaining insight into these patterns, individuals can learn to improve their communication skills and foster more effective interactions.

During communication analysis, the therapist helps the individual explore their communication patterns, paying attention to both the content and tone of their messages. By identifying any negative or unhelpful communication patterns, individuals can work towards developing healthier ways of expressing themselves. For more information on interpersonal therapy techniques, visit our article on  interpersonal therapy techniques .

Role play  is a powerful therapeutic tool used in interpersonal therapy to promote empathy, understanding, and problem-solving. Through role play, individuals have the opportunity to step into the shoes of others and gain a different perspective on interpersonal conflicts or challenges. This technique allows individuals to explore alternative ways of communicating and responding in various situations.

During role play sessions, the therapist guides the individual through scenarios that mimic real-life situations. By assuming different roles, individuals can practice effective communication, problem-solving, and conflict resolution skills. Role play provides a safe and supportive environment for individuals to experiment with new behaviors and develop strategies for healthier interpersonal interactions.

Problem Solving

Problem solving  is a technique used in interpersonal therapy to help individuals identify, define, and address problems within their relationships. This technique focuses on generating alternative solutions and implementing strategies to resolve conflicts and improve interpersonal dynamics.

The problem-solving process involves several steps. First, individuals are encouraged to identify and define the specific problems they are experiencing in their relationships. This helps to bring clarity and focus to the issues at hand. Next, individuals work with their therapist to generate a range of alternative solutions to address these problems. Finally, individuals implement and evaluate the effectiveness of these solutions, making adjustments as necessary.

By employing problem-solving techniques, individuals can develop effective strategies for resolving conflicts and improving the quality of their relationships. These techniques can pave the way for healthier communication, enhanced understanding, and emotional healing.

Understanding and applying these key techniques in interpersonal therapy is essential for individuals seeking to improve their interpersonal relationships and achieve emotional healing. By addressing communication patterns, engaging in role play, and utilizing problem-solving skills, individuals can develop the tools they need to navigate their relationships more effectively.

In interpersonal therapy,  communication analysis  plays a vital role in understanding and improving interpersonal relationships. By examining communication patterns and cues, individuals can gain insights into their interactions and work towards healthier and more effective communication. This section will delve into the key aspects of communication analysis, including  identifying patterns in communication ,  exploring nonverbal cues , and  improving communication skills .

Identifying Patterns in Communication

Communication patterns refer to the recurring ways in which individuals interact with each other. By analyzing these patterns, individuals can gain a better understanding of how their communication style may contribute to conflicts or misunderstandings. This awareness allows them to identify problematic patterns and make necessary adjustments.

During communication analysis, therapists and individuals evaluate factors such as  tone of voice ,  listening skills ,  assertiveness , and  response patterns . By recognizing patterns of communication, individuals can gain insights into their own behaviors and how they may impact their relationships.

Exploring Nonverbal Cues

Nonverbal cues play a significant role in communication, often conveying emotions and intentions more powerfully than words alone. Interpersonal therapists encourage individuals to pay attention to nonverbal cues such as  facial expressions ,  body language , and  gestures . These cues can provide valuable information about a person’s emotional state and level of engagement during a conversation.

By exploring nonverbal cues, individuals can gain a deeper understanding of the messages they are sending and receiving. This awareness can help them adjust their nonverbal behaviors to improve communication and enhance the overall quality of their relationships.

Improving Communication Skills

Effective communication is a skill that can be learned and honed. Through interpersonal therapy, individuals can work on improving their communication skills to foster healthier relationships. Therapists may provide guidance and support in developing skills such as  active listening ,  empathy ,  assertiveness , and  conflict resolution .

By learning to actively listen and respond empathetically, individuals can enhance their understanding of others’ perspectives and foster a sense of connection. Developing assertiveness skills allows individuals to express their thoughts and needs clearly and respectfully. Additionally, learning conflict resolution techniques equips individuals with the tools to address and resolve conflicts in a constructive manner.

Improving communication skills is an ongoing process, and individuals may benefit from utilizing resources such as  interpersonal therapy worksheets  and seeking  interpersonal therapy training  to further enhance their abilities.

By incorporating communication analysis techniques into interpersonal therapy, individuals can gain valuable insights into their communication patterns, nonverbal cues, and overall communication skills. These insights lay the foundation for fostering healthier and more fulfilling interpersonal relationships.

In the realm of  interpersonal therapy , role play is a valuable and effective therapeutic tool used to facilitate personal growth and promote emotional healing. Through role play, individuals can gain insight into their own behaviors and emotions, develop empathy and understanding for others, and address interpersonal conflicts. Let’s explore how role play serves as a crucial technique in interpersonal therapy.

Role Play as a Therapeutic Tool

Role play involves the simulation of real-life scenarios where individuals can step into the shoes of different characters, including themselves and others involved in their interpersonal relationships. By taking on these roles, individuals can gain a fresh perspective on their own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, as well as those of others. Role play creates a safe and controlled environment for individuals to explore and experiment with new ways of interacting and responding.

During role play, a therapist may guide individuals to reenact past situations or create hypothetical scenarios that reflect their current interpersonal challenges. This experiential approach allows individuals to explore and process their emotions, beliefs, and communication patterns in a supportive therapeutic setting.

Promoting Empathy and Understanding

One of the key benefits of role play is its ability to promote empathy and understanding. By embodying different characters, individuals can gain insight into the perspectives, needs, and emotions of others. This process helps individuals develop greater empathy and compassion, which can enhance their interpersonal relationships.

Through role play, individuals can step outside of their own subjective experiences and try to understand the thoughts and feelings of others involved in the scenario. This deepened understanding can lead to improved communication, conflict resolution, and overall relationship satisfaction.

Addressing Interpersonal Conflicts

Role play is particularly effective in addressing interpersonal conflicts. It allows individuals to practice assertiveness , active listening, and problem-solving skills in a safe and controlled environment. By reenacting conflictual situations, individuals can explore different approaches and experiment with new communication strategies.

During role play, a therapist can guide individuals to identify unhelpful patterns of communication and behavior. By doing so, individuals can practice healthier ways of expressing their emotions, setting boundaries, and resolving conflicts. Role play provides an opportunity for individuals to develop and refine their interpersonal skills, leading to more fulfilling and harmonious relationships.

In summary, role play is a powerful therapeutic technique within interpersonal therapy. It serves as a tool for self-reflection, empathy-building, and conflict resolution. Through role play, individuals can gain a deeper understanding of their own emotions and behaviors, as well as those of others. By practicing and refining their interpersonal skills, individuals can pave the path to emotional healing and cultivate healthier relationships.

To learn more about other techniques and interventions in interpersonal therapy, explore our articles on  interpersonal therapy interventions  and  interpersonal therapy examples .

Problem solving is an essential technique in  interpersonal therapy  that helps individuals identify and address the challenges they face in their relationships. By breaking down problems into manageable steps, clients can work towards finding effective solutions. This section will delve into the three key steps involved in problem solving:  identifying and defining problems ,  generating alternative solutions , and  implementing and evaluating solutions .

Identifying and Defining Problems

The first step in problem solving is to identify and define the specific issues that are causing distress or difficulties within interpersonal relationships. This involves actively listening to the client and encouraging them to express their concerns and emotions openly. By creating a safe and non-judgmental environment, therapists can help clients explore and articulate their problems.

During this process, it is important to encourage clients to be specific when describing their problems. This allows for a clearer understanding of the underlying issues and helps in devising targeted solutions. Therapists can ask open-ended questions, probe for details, and use active listening techniques to gain a comprehensive understanding of the client’s concerns.

Generating Alternative Solutions

Once the problems have been identified and defined, the next step is to generate a range of alternative solutions. This involves brainstorming different approaches that could potentially address the identified problems. Therapists can guide clients through this process by encouraging creativity and open-mindedness.

It is important to note that during the brainstorming phase, all ideas should be considered without judgment or criticism. This encourages clients to explore a wide range of possibilities and increases the likelihood of finding effective solutions. By exploring diverse options, clients can gain a sense of empowerment and agency in dealing with their interpersonal challenges.

Implementing and Evaluating Solutions

After generating a list of alternative solutions, the final step is to implement and evaluate these solutions. Therapists and clients work collaboratively to select the most feasible and promising solutions to try. It is crucial to break down the chosen solution into smaller, achievable steps to ensure progress and maintain motivation.

During the implementation phase, therapists provide guidance and support to help clients put the selected solution into action. Clients are encouraged to reflect on their experiences and evaluate the effectiveness of the solution. This evaluation process allows for adjustments and modifications if needed, ensuring continuous improvement in addressing the identified problems.

By following these problem-solving techniques, individuals undergoing interpersonal therapy can gain valuable insights and develop practical strategies to improve their relationships. The integration of problem-solving skills with other techniques in interpersonal therapy provides a comprehensive approach to promote emotional healing and foster healthier interpersonal dynamics. For more examples of interpersonal therapy techniques, check out our article on  interpersonal therapy examples .

In the next section, we will explore how these techniques can be tailored to meet individual needs, and how combining them can lead to holistic healing. We will also delve into case studies and success stories that highlight the effectiveness of interpersonal therapy techniques in real-life scenarios.

Integration and Application

Interpersonal therapy techniques are highly adaptable and can be tailored to meet the individual needs of each client. By understanding the unique circumstances and challenges faced by each person, therapists can create personalized treatment plans that maximize the benefits of interpersonal therapy. Here are some key aspects of integrating and applying interpersonal therapy techniques:

Tailoring Interpersonal Therapy Techniques to Individual Needs

In order to effectively address emotional healing and foster positive change, it is essential to consider the specific needs of each client. Therapists should assess the client’s interpersonal dynamics, relationship patterns, and goals to determine which interpersonal therapy techniques will be most effective. By customizing the treatment approach, therapists can provide a targeted and personalized experience that promotes growth and healing.

Combining Techniques for Holistic Healing

Interpersonal therapy techniques can be used in combination to provide a comprehensive and holistic approach to emotional healing. By integrating different techniques, therapists can address various aspects of the client’s interpersonal relationships and overall well-being. For example, combining communication analysis with role play and problem-solving can help clients develop effective communication skills, enhance empathy, and resolve conflicts in their relationships. The versatility of interpersonal therapy techniques allows therapists to create an individualized treatment plan that is tailored to the unique needs of each client.

Case Studies and Success Stories

The integration and application of interpersonal therapy techniques have demonstrated significant positive outcomes in various case studies and success stories. By highlighting these real-life examples, therapists can inspire hope and provide evidence of the effectiveness of interpersonal therapy techniques. Case studies and success stories can also serve as valuable educational tools for both therapists and clients, offering insights into the therapeutic process and the potential for growth and healing.

It is important for therapists to continuously evaluate and adapt their approach based on the client’s progress and evolving needs. The versatility and flexibility of interpersonal therapy techniques allow therapists to modify and refine the treatment plan as necessary, ensuring that clients receive the most effective and tailored interventions.

For additional resources on interpersonal therapy techniques and related topics, refer to the following articles:

• Interpersonal Therapy for Depression
• Interpersonal Therapy Examples
• Interpersonal Therapy Training
• Interpersonal Therapy Interventions
• Interpersonal Therapy Worksheets
• Interpersonal Therapy for Anxiety
• Interpersonal Therapy for Grief
• Interpersonal Therapy for Eating Disorders

By tailoring interpersonal therapy techniques, combining them strategically, and drawing inspiration from case studies and success stories, therapists can empower their clients on their path to emotional healing.

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How to Start a Conversation About Relationship Problems: 21 Tip

Esteemed relationship writer Draven Porter explores human connection complexities. With a psychology background, his writing offers powerful insights and thoughtful analysis.

In This Article

Handling relationship problems can often feel like treading through a minefield; one wrong step and tensions could escalate beyond control. It’s understood that couples who learn effective communication techniques can have significantly higher relationship satisfaction. 

Research has demonstrated that poor communication patterns can exacerbate marital conflicts while enhancing verbal and nonverbal communication skills can help reduce them.

This suggests that knowing how to start a conversation about relationship problems is crucial in managing these situations successfully.

In any relationship, problems are inevitable, but the ability to discuss these issues openly and constructively is what sets resilient partnerships apart. 

Whether it’s overcoming misunderstandings or addressing deeper issues, having the right strategies can transform a potentially explosive dialogue into a constructive discussion. 

These tips aren’t just methods; they are pathways to deeper understanding and stronger connections, offering hope and practical solutions to those looking to overcome relationship problems without explicitly telling you how.

21 critical conversation tips for relationship problems

When relationship problems arise, having a meaningful conversation can be the key to finding a resolution. Knowing how to start a conversation about relationship problems effectively is essential for any couple looking to mend or strengthen their connection. 

Below are 21 tips designed to help guide critical conversations in relationships, ensuring they are productive, respectful, and conducive to understanding each other better.

1. Choose the right time

Selecting an appropriate time is critical when initiating a sensitive conversation. Avoid starting discussions when one or both of you are stressed, tired, or distracted. A calm, unhurried time ensures both partners are mentally and emotionally prepared to engage thoughtfully.

2. Be direct but gentle

Approach the conversation with honesty but also with kindness. Be straightforward about what’s on your mind without using harsh words that could escalate tensions. This balance helps in addressing issues directly while maintaining a respectful tone.

3. Use “I” statements

Using “I” statements helps to express personal feelings without making your partner feel accused. Say something like, “I feel upset when…” instead of “You make me upset by…”. This approach minimizes defensiveness and focuses on personal perspectives and feelings.

4. Listen actively

Active listening involves fully concentrating, understanding, responding, and then remembering what is being said. Show your partner you value their words by nodding, maintaining eye contact, and responding appropriately. This validation can make your partner feel heard and appreciated.

5. Keep calm

Keeping your composure helps to keep the discussion productive and prevents it from turning into a heated argument. Take deep breaths if you start to feel overwhelmed; this helps to maintain a level-headed approach throughout the discussion.

6. Avoid blame

Pointing fingers can lead to your partner feeling attacked, which usually doesn’t result in a productive conversation. Focus on discussing how specific actions made you feel rather than accusing your partner of wrongdoing.

7. Seek to understand

Try to see things from your partner’s perspective. This doesn’t mean you have to agree, but understanding where they are coming from can foster empathy and effective problem-solving in relationship problems communication.

8. Stay on topic

When discussing sensitive issues, it’s easy to digress into other unresolved issues. Stick to the topic at hand to resolve one problem at a time. This clarity can prevent the conversation from becoming overwhelming and unmanageable.

9. Take breaks if needed

If the conversation gets too intense, it’s okay to take a break and cool down. Let your partner know that you need a moment to gather your thoughts. Reassure them that the discussion is important and that you will continue after a short pause.

10. Acknowledge each other’s feelings

Research shows that recognizing emotions plays a significant role in building interpersonal trust.

How to start a conversation about relationship problems? Recognize what the other person is going throug. 

It’s important to acknowledge each other’s emotions and validate them, even if you don’t fully understand why your partner feels that way. Acknowledgment can reduce feelings of isolation and increase connection.

11. Keep it private

Choose a private setting for your conversation to ensure both partners feel secure and undistracted. Discussing personal issues in a private environment prevents embarrassment and allows for openness without fear of outside opinions. This setting also helps both partners to be more vulnerable and honest in their communication.

12. Avoid distractions

Prioritize the conversation by removing potential interruptions such as smartphones, televisions, or computers. A distraction-free environment shows your commitment to the discussion and respects the importance of the issue at hand. This focus helps both partners feel valued and ensures that the conversation remains productive.

13. Use affirming language

During the conversation, use language that affirms your partner’s feelings and contributions. Say things like, “I appreciate you sharing that,” or “Thank you for being open with me.” Affirmative language promotes a supportive atmosphere that can facilitate more open and honest dialogue.

14. Be honest

Honesty is crucial, especially when the topics are tough. Clearly and respectfully express your true thoughts and feelings. Being honest helps to build trust and credibility in the relationship, which are essential for resolving conflicts and deepening connection.

15. Stay patient

Patience allows the conversation to unfold naturally without rushing to conclusions. Give each other ample time to articulate thoughts and feelings. Being patient helps prevent misunderstandings and shows that you value your partner’s perspective as much as your own.

16. Avoid generalizations

Focus on specific behaviors or events rather than generalizing. Instead of saying, “You always ignore me,” describe a particular instance, such as, “When you didn’t respond to my text yesterday, I felt ignored.” This precision prevents unfair accusations and focuses on concrete examples.

17. Ask open-ended questions

How to have a difficult conversation with your partner? Encourage a deeper conversation by asking questions that require more than a yes or no answer. 

Questions like, “What do you feel needs to change?” or “How can we improve this situation?” invite thorough responses and show your genuine interest in understanding your partner’s perspective.

18. Offer solutions

After discussing the problems, brainstorm together to find practical solutions. Suggest ideas and ask your partner for their thoughts as well. Offering solutions demonstrates your commitment to resolving the issue and improving your relationship.

19. Respect each other’s viewpoints

Research has found that people feel respected when they are actively listened to and understood.

Understanding that it’s okay to have different opinions is key to a respectful conversation. Acknowledge your partner’s viewpoint as valid, even if it differs from yours, and work towards a compromise that respects both perspectives.

20. Commit to action

End the conversation with a clear plan of action. Decide together what steps each of you will take to address the issues discussed. This commitment shows that both partners are willing to work on the relationship and are hopeful about making positive changes.

21. Follow up

Revisit the discussion after some time to evaluate progress and reaffirm your commitment to the relationship. This follow-up can be a quick conversation to check in on feelings and any agreed-upon actions. It reinforces the importance of the issue and shows ongoing dedication to improving the relationship.

Relationship coach Matthew Hussey answers how to recover after an argument. Watch the video:

Critical conversations are vital tools in addressing and resolving issues within relationships. By fostering clear and respectful communication, these discussions help prevent misunderstandings and build stronger bonds. Below are answers to frequently asked questions about the importance and dynamics of critical conversations.

Why are critical conversations important for resolving relationship issues?

Critical conversations allow both partners to express their feelings and concerns in a structured manner. This direct communication helps to clarify misunderstandings and find mutual solutions, promoting a healthier relationship dynamic .

How do critical conversations differ from arguments or conflicts in a relationship?

Unlike arguments, which often involve emotional outbursts and defensiveness, critical conversations are conducted with the intention of understanding and resolving issues. They are characterized by calmness, respect, and a focus on problem-solving rather than blame.

What role does active listening play in successful critical conversations?

Active listening is crucial in critical conversations as it ensures that both partners feel heard and valued. It involves paying full attention, asking clarifying questions, and reflecting back what is said, which helps in understanding each other’s perspectives and formulating thoughtful responses.

What communication strategies can help facilitate productive critical conversations?

Effective strategies include using “I” statements to express personal feelings without blaming, maintaining eye contact, ensuring open body language , and summarizing what the other person says to confirm understanding. These techniques foster a respectful and constructive dialogue environment.

Strengthen your bond

Facing relationship problems can be challenging, but employing these 21 tips for critical conversations can transform these challenges into opportunities for growth. 

By prioritizing open communication, active listening, and mutual respect, you can create a more understanding and supportive relationship dynamic. 

The goal isn’t just to resolve disputes but to deepen your connection and understanding of each other. Embrace these strategies in your next conversation, and watch how they positively influence your relationship, fostering a stronger, more resilient bond.

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Draven Porter is an esteemed relationship writer who delves deep into the complexities of human connection. With a background in psychology, Draven’s writing is known for its powerful insights and thoughtful analysis. When not Read more writing, Draven can be found exploring his passion for music and attending concerts. Draven’s unique perspective on relationships is rooted in his fascination with different cultures and he enjoys immersing himself in new experiences through travel and trying out exotic cuisines. Read less

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