an essay on friendship

Emerson writes a poem about old friendships and about friendships lost.

A ruddy drop of manly blood The surging sea outweighs, The world uncertain comes and goes, The lover rooted stays. I fancied he was fled, And, after many a year, Glowed unexhausted kindliness Like daily sunrise there. My careful heart was free again, — O friend, my bosom said, Through thee alone the sky is arched, Through thee the rose is red, All things through thee take nobler form, And look beyond the earth, And is the mill-round of our fate A sun-path in thy worth. Me too thy nobleness has taught To master my despair; The fountains of my hidden life Are through thy friendship fair.

W e have a great deal more kindness than is ever spoken.  Maugre all the selfishness that chills like east winds the world, the whole human family is bathed with an element of love like a fine ether. How many persons we meet in houses, whom we scarcely speak to, whom yet we honor, and who honor us! How many we see in the street, or sit with in church, whom, though silently, we warmly rejoice to be with! Read the language of these wandering eye-beams. The heart knoweth.

The effect of the indulgence of this human affection is a certain cordial exhilaration. In poetry, and in common speech, the emotions of benevolence and complacency which are felt towards others are likened to the material effects of fire; so swift, or much more swift, more active, more cheering, are these fine inward irradiations. From the highest degree of passionate love, to the lowest degree of good-will, they make the sweetness of life.

Our intellectual and active powers increase with our affection. The scholar sits down to write, and all his years of meditation do not furnish him with one good thought or happy expression; but it is necessary to write a letter to a friend, — and, forthwith, troops of gentle thoughts invest themselves, on every hand, with chosen words. See, in any house where virtue and self-respect abide, the palpitation which the approach of a stranger causes. A commended stranger is expected and announced, and an uneasiness betwixt pleasure and pain invades all the hearts of a household. His arrival almost brings fear to the good hearts that would welcome him. The house is dusted, all things fly into their places, the old coat is exchanged for the new, and they must get up a dinner if they can. Of a commended stranger, only the good report is told by others, only the good and new is heard by us. He stands to us for humanity. He is what we wish. Having imagined and invested him, we ask how we should stand related in conversation and action with such a man, and are uneasy with fear. The same idea exalts conversation with him. We talk better than we are wont. We have the nimblest fancy, a richer memory, and our dumb devil has taken leave for the time. For long hours we can continue a series of sincere, graceful, rich communications, drawn from the oldest, secretest experience, so that they who sit by, of our own kinsfolk and acquaintance, shall feel a lively surprise at our unusual powers. But as soon as the stranger begins to intrude his partialities, his definitions, his defects, into the conversation, it is all over. He has heard the first, the last and best he will ever hear from us. He is no stranger now. Vulgarity, ignorance, misapprehension are old acquaintances. Now, when he comes, he may get the order, the dress, and the dinner, — but the throbbing of the heart, and the communications of the soul, no more.

What is so pleasant as these jets of affection which make a young world for me again? What so delicious as a just and firm encounter of two, in a thought, in a feeling? How beautiful, on their approach to this beating heart, the steps and forms of the gifted and the true! The moment we indulge our affections, the earth is metamorphosed; there is no winter, and no night; all tragedies, all ennuis, vanish, — all duties even; nothing fills the proceeding eternity but the forms all radiant of beloved persons. Let the soul be assured that somewhere in the universe it should rejoin its friend, and it would be content and cheerful alone for a thousand years.

I awoke this morning with devout thanksgiving for my friends, the old and the new. Shall I not call God the Beautiful, who daily showeth himself so to me in his gifts? I chide society, I embrace solitude, and yet I am not so ungrateful as not to see the wise, the lovely, and the noble-minded, as from time to time they pass my gate. Who hears me, who understands me, becomes mine, — a possession for all time. Nor is nature so poor but she gives me this joy several times, and thus we weave social threads of our own, a new web of relations; and, as many thoughts in succession substantiate themselves, we shall by and by stand in a new world of our own creation, and no longer strangers and pilgrims in a traditionary globe. My friends have come to me unsought. The great God gave them to me. By oldest right, by the divine affinity of virtue with itself, I find them, or rather not I, but the Deity in me and in them derides and cancels the thick walls of individual character, relation, age, sex, circumstance, at which he usually connives, and now makes many one. High thanks I owe you, excellent lovers, who carry out the world for me to new and noble depths, and enlarge the meaning of all my thoughts. These are new poetry of the first Bard, — poetry without stop, — hymn, ode, and epic, poetry still flowing, Apollo and the Muses chanting still. Will these, too, separate themselves from me again, or some of them? I know not, but I fear it not; for my relation to them is so pure, that we hold by simple affinity, and the Genius of my life being thus social, the same affinity will exert its energy on whomsoever is as noble as these men and women, wherever I may be.

I confess to an extreme tenderness of nature on this point. It is almost dangerous to me to "crush the sweet poison of misused wine" of the affections. A new person is to me a great event, and hinders me from sleep. I have often had fine fancies about persons which have given me delicious hours; but the joy ends in the day; it yields no fruit. Thought is not born of it; my action is very little modified. I must feel pride in my friend's accomplishments as if they were mine, — and a property in his virtues. I feel as warmly when he is praised, as the lover when he hears applause of his engaged maiden. We over-estimate the conscience of our friend. His goodness seems better than our goodness, his nature finer, his temptations less. Every thing that is his, — his name, his form, his dress, books, and instruments, — fancy enhances. Our own thought sounds new and larger from his mouth.

Yet the systole and diastole of the heart are not without their analogy in the ebb and flow of love. Friendship, like the immortality of the soul, is too good to be believed. The lover, beholding his maiden, half knows that she is not verily that which he worships; and in the golden hour of friendship, we are surprised with shades of suspicion and unbelief. We doubt that we bestow on our hero the virtues in which he shines, and afterwards worship the form to which we have ascribed this divine inhabitation. In strictness, the soul does not respect men as it respects itself. In strict science all persons underlie the same condition of an infinite remoteness. Shall we fear to cool our love by mining for the metaphysical foundation of this Elysian temple? Shall I not be as real as the things I see? If I am, I shall not fear to know them for what they are. Their essence is not less beautiful than their appearance, though it needs finer organs for its apprehension. The root of the plant is not unsightly to science, though for chaplets and festoons we cut the stem short. And I must hazard the production of the bald fact amidst these pleasing reveries, though it should prove an Egyptian skull at our banquet. A man who stands united with his thought conceives magnificently of himself. He is conscious of a universal success, even though bought by uniform particular failures. No advantages, no powers, no gold or force, can be any match for him. I cannot choose but rely on my own poverty more than on your wealth. I cannot make your consciousness tantamount to mine. Only the star dazzles; the planet has a faint, moon-like ray. I hear what you say of the admirable parts and tried temper of the party you praise, but I see well that for all his purple cloaks I shall not like him, unless he is at last a poor Greek like me. I cannot deny it, O friend, that the vast shadow of the Phenomenal includes thee also in its pied and painted immensity, — thee, also, compared with whom all else is shadow. Thou art not Being, as Truth is, as Justice is, — thou art not my soul, but a picture and effigy of that. Thou hast come to me lately, and already thou art seizing thy hat and cloak. Is it not that the soul puts forth friends as the tree puts forth leaves, and presently, by the germination of new buds, extrudes the old leaf? The law of nature is alternation for evermore. Each electrical state superinduces the opposite. The soul environs itself with friends, that it may enter into a grander self-acquaintance or solitude; and it goes alone for a season, that it may exalt its conversation or society. This method betrays itself along the whole history of our personal relations. The instinct of affection revives the hope of union with our mates, and the returning sense of insulation recalls us from the chase. Thus every man passes his life in the search after friendship, and if he should record his true sentiment, he might write a letter like this to each new candidate for his love.

DEAR FRIEND: —

If I was sure of thee, sure of thy capacity, sure to match my mood with thine, I should never think again of trifles in relation to thy comings and goings. I am not very wise; my moods are quite attainable; and I respect thy genius; it is to me as yet unfathomed; yet dare I not presume in thee a perfect intelligence of me, and so thou art to me a delicious torment. Thine ever, or never.

Yet these uneasy pleasures and fine pains are for curiosity, and not for life. They are not to be indulged. This is to weave cobweb, and not cloth. Our friendships hurry to short and poor conclusions, because we have made them a texture of wine and dreams, instead of the tough fibre of the human heart. The laws of friendship are austere and eternal, of one web with the laws of nature and of morals. But we have aimed at a swift and petty benefit, to suck a sudden sweetness. We snatch at the slowest fruit in the whole garden of God, which many summers and many winters must ripen. We seek our friend not sacredly, but with an adulterate passion which would appropriate him to ourselves. In vain. We are armed all over with subtle antagonisms, which, as soon as we meet, begin to play, and translate all poetry into stale prose. Almost all people descend to meet. All association must be a compromise, and, what is worst, the very flower and aroma of the flower of each of the beautiful natures disappears as they approach each other. What a perpetual disappointment is actual society, even of the virtuous and gifted! After interviews have been compassed with long foresight, we must be tormented presently by baffled blows, by sudden, unseasonable apathies, by epilepsies of wit and of animal spirits, in the heyday of friendship and thought. Our faculties do not play us true, and both parties are relieved by solitude.

I ought to be equal to every relation. It makes no difference how many friends I have, and what content I can find in conversing with each, if there be one to whom I am not equal. If I have shrunk unequal from one contest, the joy I find in all the rest becomes mean and cowardly. I should hate myself, if then I made my other friends my asylum.

The valiant warrior famoused for fight, After a hundred victories, once foiled, Is from the book of honor razed quite, And all the rest forgot for which he toiled."

Our impatience is thus sharply rebuked. Bashfulness and apathy are a tough husk, in which a delicate organization is protected from premature ripening. It would be lost if it knew itself before any of the best souls were yet ripe enough to know and own it. Respect the naturlangsamkeit which hardens the ruby in a million years, and works in duration, in which Alps and Andes come and go as rainbows. The good spirit of our life has no heaven which is the price of rashness. Love, which is the essence of God, is not for levity, but for the total worth of man. Let us not have this childish luxury in our regards, but the austerest worth; let us approach our friend with an audacious trust in the truth of his heart, in the breadth, impossible to be overturned, of his foundations.

The attractions of this subject are not to be resisted, and I leave, for the time, all account of subordinate social benefit, to speak of that select and sacred relation which is a kind of absolute, and which even leaves the language of love suspicious and common, so much is this purer, and nothing is so much divine.

I do not wish to treat friendships daintily, but with roughest courage. When they are real, they are not glass threads or frostwork, but the solidest thing we know. For now, after so many ages of experience, what do we know of nature, or of ourselves? Not one step has man taken toward the solution of the problem of his destiny. In one condemnation of folly stand the whole universe of men. But the sweet sincerity of joy and peace, which I draw from this alliance with my brother's soul, is the nut itself, whereof all nature and all thought is but the husk and shell. Happy is the house that shelters a friend! It might well be built, like a festal bower or arch, to entertain him a single day. Happier, if he know the solemnity of that relation, and honor its law! He who offers himself a candidate for that covenant comes up, like an Olympian, to the great games, where the first-born of the world are the competitors. He proposes himself for contests where Time, Want, Danger, are in the lists, and he alone is victor who has truth enough in his constitution to preserve the delicacy of his beauty from the wear and tear of all these. The gifts of fortune may be present or absent, but all the speed in that contest depends on intrinsic nobleness, and the contempt of trifles. There are two elements that go to the composition of friendship, each so sovereign that I can detect no superiority in either, no reason why either should be first named. One is Truth. A friend is a person with whom I may be sincere. Before him I may think aloud. I am arrived at last in the presence of a man so real and equal, that I may drop even those undermost garments of dissimulation, courtesy, and second thought, which men never put off, and may deal with him with the simplicity and wholeness with which one chemical atom meets another. Sincerity is the luxury allowed, like diadems and authority, only to the highest rank, that being permitted to speak truth, as having none above it to court or conform unto. Every man alone is sincere. At the entrance of a second person, hypocrisy begins. We parry and fend the approach of our fellow-man by compliments, by gossip, by amusements, by affairs. We cover up our thought from him under a hundred folds. I knew a man, who, under a certain religious frenzy, cast off this drapery, and, omitting all compliment and commonplace, spoke to the conscience of every person he encountered, and that with great insight and beauty. At first he was resisted, and all men agreed he was mad. But persisting, as indeed he could not help doing, for some time in this course, he attained to the advantage of bringing every man of his acquaintance into true relations with him. No man would think of speaking falsely with him, or of putting him off with any chat of markets or reading-rooms. But every man was constrained by so much sincerity to the like plaindealing, and what love of nature, what poetry, what symbol of truth he had, he did certainly show him. But to most of us society shows not its face and eye, but its side and its back. To stand in true relations with men in a false age is worth a fit of insanity, is it not? We can seldom go erect. Almost every man we meet requires some civility, — requires to be humored; he has some fame, some talent, some whim of religion or philanthropy in his head that is not to be questioned, and which spoils all conversation with him. But a friend is a sane man who exercises not my ingenuity, but me. My friend gives me entertainment without requiring any stipulation on my part. A friend, therefore, is a sort of paradox in nature. I who alone am, I who see nothing in nature whose existence I can affirm with equal evidence to my own, behold now the semblance of my being, in all its height, variety, and curiosity, reiterated in a foreign form; so that a friend may well be reckoned the masterpiece of nature.

The other element of friendship is tenderness. We are holden to men by every sort of tie, by blood, by pride, by fear, by hope, by lucre, by lust, by hate, by admiration, by every circumstance and badge and trifle, but we can scarce believe that so much character can subsist in another as to draw us by love. Can another be so blessed, and we so pure, that we can offer him tenderness? When a man becomes dear to me, I have touched the goal of fortune. I find very little written directly to the heart of this matter in books. And yet I have one text which I cannot choose but remember. My author says, — "I offer myself faintly and bluntly to those whose I effectually am, and tender myself least to him to whom I am the most devoted." I wish that friendship should have feet, as well as eyes and eloquence. It must plant itself on the ground, before it vaults over the moon. I wish it to be a little of a citizen, before it is quite a cherub. We chide the citizen because he makes love a commodity. It is an exchange of gifts, of useful loans; it is good neighbourhood; it watches with the sick; it holds the pall at the funeral; and quite loses sight of the delicacies and nobility of the relation. But though we cannot find the god under this disguise of a sutler, yet, on the other hand, we cannot forgive the poet if he spins his thread too fine , and does not substantiate his romance by the municipal virtues of justice, punctuality, fidelity, and pity. I hate the prostitution of the name of friendship to signify modish and worldly alliances. I much prefer the company of ploughboys and tin-peddlers, to the silken and perfumed amity which celebrates its days of encounter by a frivolous display, by rides in a curricle, and dinners at the best taverns. The end of friendship is a commerce the most strict and homely that can be joined; more strict than any of which we have experience. It is for aid and comfort through all the relations and passages of life and death. It is fit for serene days, and graceful gifts, and country rambles, but also for rough roads and hard fare, shipwreck, poverty, and persecution. It keeps company with the sallies of the wit and the trances of religion. We are to dignify to each other the daily needs and offices of man's life, and embellish it by courage, wisdom, and unity. It should never fall into something usual and settled, but should be alert and inventive, and add rhyme and reason to what was drudgery.

Friendship may be said to require natures so rare and costly, each so well tempered and so happily adapted, and withal so circumstanced, (for even in that particular, a poet says, love demands that the parties be altogether paired,) that its satisfaction can very seldom be assured. It cannot subsist in its perfection, say some of those who are learned in this warm lore of the heart, betwixt more than two. I am not quite so strict in my terms, perhaps because I have never known so high a fellowship as others. I please my imagination more with a circle of godlike men and women variously related to each other, and between whom subsists a lofty intelligence. But I find this law of one to one peremptory for conversation, which is the practice and consummation of friendship. Do not mix waters too much. The best mix as ill as good and bad. You shall have very useful and cheering discourse at several times with two several men, but let all three of you come together, and you shall not have one new and hearty word. Two may talk and one may hear, but three cannot take part in a conversation of the most sincere and searching sort. In good company there is never such discourse between two, across the table, as takes place when you leave them alone. In good company, the individuals merge their egotism into a social soul exactly co-extensive with the several consciousnesses there present. No partialities of friend to friend, no fondnesses of brother to sister, of wife to husband, are there pertinent, but quite otherwise. Only he may then speak who can sail on the common thought of the party, and not poorly limited to his own. Now this convention, which good sense demands, destroys the high freedom of great conversation, which requires an absolute running of two souls into one.

No two men but, being left alone with each other, enter into simpler relations. Yet it is affinity that determines which two shall converse. Unrelated men give little joy to each other; will never suspect the latent powers of each. We talk sometimes of a great talent for conversation, as if it were a permanent property in some individuals. Conversation is an evanescent relation, — no more. A man is reputed to have thought and eloquence; he cannot, for all that, say a word to his cousin or his uncle. They accuse his silence with as much reason as they would blame the insignificance of a dial in the shade. In the sun it will mark the hour. Among those who enjoy his thought, he will regain his tongue.

Friendship requires that rare mean betwixt likeness and unlikeness, that piques each with the presence of power and of consent in the other party. Let me be alone to the end of the world, rather than that my friend should overstep, by a word or a look, his real sympathy. I am equally balked by antagonism and by compliance. Let him not cease an instant to be himself. The only joy I have in his being mine, is that the not mine is mine . I hate, where I looked for a manly furtherance, or at least a manly resistance, to find a mush of concession. Better be a nettle in the side of your friend than his echo. The condition which high friendship demands is ability to do without it. That high office requires great and sublime parts. There must be very two, before there can be very one. Let it be an alliance of two large, formidable natures, mutually beheld, mutually feared, before yet they recognize the deep identity which beneath these disparities unites them.

He only is fit for this society who is magnanimous; who is sure that greatness and goodness are always economy; who is not swift to intermeddle with his fortunes. Let him not intermeddle with this. Leave to the diamond its ages to grow, nor expect to accelerate the births of the eternal. Friendship demands a religious treatment. We talk of choosing our friends, but friends are self-elected. Reverence is a great part of it. Treat your friend as a spectacle. Of course he has merits that are not yours, and that you cannot honor, if you must needs hold him close to your person. Stand aside; give those merits room; let them mount and expand. Are you the friend of your friend's buttons, or of his thought? To a great heart he will still be a stranger in a thousand particulars, that he may come near in the holiest ground. Leave it to girls and boys to regard a friend as property, and to suck a short and all-confounding pleasure, instead of the noblest benefit.

Let us buy our entrance to this guild by a long probation. Why should we desecrate noble and beautiful souls by intruding on them? Why insist on rash personal relations with your friend? Why go to his house, or know his mother and brother and sisters? Why be visited by him at your own? Are these things material to our covenant? Leave this touching and clawing. Let him be to me a spirit. A message, a thought, a sincerity, a glance from him, I want, but not news, nor pottage. I can get politics, and chat, and neighbourly conveniences from cheaper companions. Should not the society of my friend be to me poetic, pure, universal, and great as nature itself? Ought I to feel that our tie is profane in comparison with yonder bar of cloud that sleeps on the horizon, or that clump of waving grass that divides the brook? Let us not vilify, but raise it to that standard. That great, defying eye, that scornful beauty of his mien and action, do not pique yourself on reducing, but rather fortify and enhance. Worship his superiorities; wish him not less by a thought, but hoard and tell them all. Guard him as thy counterpart. Let him be to thee for ever a sort of beautiful enemy, untamable, devoutly revered, and not a trivial conveniency to be soon outgrown and cast aside. The hues of the opal, the light of the diamond, are not to be seen, if the eye is too near. To my friend I write a letter, and from him I receive a letter. That seems to you a little. It suffices me. It is a spiritual gift worthy of him to give, and of me to receive. It profanes nobody. In these warm lines the heart will trust itself, as it will not to the tongue, and pour out the prophecy of a godlier existence than all the annals of heroism have yet made good.

Respect so far the holy laws of this fellowship as not to prejudice its perfect flower by your impatience for its opening. We must be our own before we can be another's. There is at least this satisfaction in crime, according to the Latin proverb; — you can speak to your accomplice on even terms. Crimen quos inquinat, aequat . To those whom we admire and love, at first we cannot. Yet the least defect of self-possession vitiates, in my judgment, the entire relation. There can never be deep peace between two spirits, never mutual respect, until, in their dialogue, each stands for the whole world.

What is so great as friendship, let us carry with what grandeur of spirit we can. Let us be silent, — so we may hear the whisper of the gods. Let us not interfere. Who set you to cast about what you should say to the select souls, or how to say any thing to such? No matter how ingenious, no matter how graceful and bland. There are innumerable degrees of folly and wisdom, and for you to say aught is to be frivolous. Wait, and thy heart shall speak. Wait until the necessary and everlasting overpowers you, until day and night avail themselves of your lips. The only reward of virtue is virtue; the only way to have a friend is to be one. You shall not come nearer a man by getting into his house. If unlike, his soul only flees the faster from you, and you shall never catch a true glance of his eye. We see the noble afar off, and they repel us; why should we intrude? Late, — very late, — we perceive that no arrangements, no introductions, no consuetudes or habits of society, would be of any avail to establish us in such relations with them as we desire, — but solely the uprise of nature in us to the same degree it is in them; then shall we meet as water with water; and if we should not meet them then, we shall not want them, for we are already they. In the last analysis, love is only the reflection of a man's own worthiness from other men. Men have sometimes exchanged names with their friends, as if they would signify that in their friend each loved his own soul.

The higher the style we demand of friendship, of course the less easy to establish it with flesh and blood. We walk alone in the world. Friends, such as we desire, are dreams and fables. But a sublime hope cheers ever the faithful heart, that elsewhere, in other regions of the universal power, souls are now acting, enduring, and daring, which can love us, and which we can love. We may congratulate ourselves that the period of nonage, of follies, of blunders, and of shame, is passed in solitude, and when we are finished men, we shall grasp heroic hands in heroic hands. Only be admonished by what you already see, not to strike leagues of friendship with cheap persons, where no friendship can be. Our impatience betrays us into rash and foolish alliances which no God attends. By persisting in your path, though you forfeit the little you gain the great. You demonstrate yourself, so as to put yourself out of the reach of false relations, and you draw to you the first-born of the world, — those rare pilgrims whereof only one or two wander in nature at once, and before whom the vulgar great show as spectres and shadows merely.

It is foolish to be afraid of making our ties too spiritual, as if so we could lose any genuine love. Whatever correction of our popular views we make from insight, nature will be sure to bear us out in, and though it seem to rob us of some joy, will repay us with a greater. Let us feel, if we will, the absolute insulation of man. We are sure that we have all in us. We go to Europe, or we pursue persons, or we read books, in the instinctive faith that these will call it out and reveal us to ourselves. Beggars all. The persons are such as we; the Europe an old faded garment of dead persons; the books their ghosts. Let us drop this idolatry. Let us give over this mendicancy. Let us even bid our dearest friends farewell, and defy them, saying, 'Who are you? Unhand me: I will be dependent no more.' Ah! seest thou not, O brother, that thus we part only to meet again on a higher platform, and only be more each other's, because we are more our own? A friend is Janus-faced: he looks to the past and the future. He is the child of all my foregoing hours, the prophet of those to come, and the harbinger of a greater friend.

I do then with my friends as I do with my books. I would have them where I can find them, but I seldom use them. We must have society on our own terms, and admit or exclude it on the slightest cause. I cannot afford to speak much with my friend. If he is great, he makes me so great that I cannot descend to converse. In the great days, presentiments hover before me in the firmament. I ought then to dedicate myself to them. I go in that I may seize them, I go out that I may seize them. I fear only that I may lose them receding into the sky in which now they are only a patch of brighter light. Then, though I prize my friends, I cannot afford to talk with them and study their visions, lest I lose my own. It would indeed give me a certain household joy to quit this lofty seeking, this spiritual astronomy, or search of stars, and come down to warm sympathies with you; but then I know well I shall mourn always the vanishing of my mighty gods. It is true, next week I shall have languid moods, when I can well afford to occupy myself with foreign objects; then I shall regret the lost literature of your mind, and wish you were by my side again. But if you come, perhaps you will fill my mind only with new visions, not with yourself but with your lustres, and I shall not be able any more than now to converse with you. So I will owe to my friends this evanescent intercourse. I will receive from them, not what they have, but what they are. They shall give me that which properly they cannot give, but which emanates from them. But they shall not hold me by any relations less subtile and pure. We will meet as though we met not, and part as though we parted not.

It has seemed to me lately more possible than I knew, to carry a friendship greatly, on one side, without due correspondence on the other. Why should I cumber myself with regrets that the receiver is not capacious? It never troubles the sun that some of his rays fall wide and vain into ungrateful space, and only a small part on the reflecting planet. Let your greatness educate the crude and cold companion. If he is unequal, he will presently pass away; but thou art enlarged by thy own shining, and, no longer a mate for frogs and worms, dost soar and burn with the gods of the empyrean. It is thought a disgrace to love unrequited. But the great will see that true love cannot be unrequited. True love transcends the unworthy object, and dwells and broods on the eternal, and when the poor interposed mask crumbles, it is not sad, but feels rid of so much earth, and feels its independency the surer. Yet these things may hardly be said without a sort of treachery to the relation. The essence of friendship is entireness, a total magnanimity and trust. It must not surmise or provide for infirmity. It treats its object as a god, that it may deify both.

Ralph Waldo Emerson left the ministry to pursue a career in writing and public speaking. Emerson became one of America's best known and best-loved 19th-century figures. More About Emerson

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Importance of Friendship Essay

• Essay on the Importance of Friendship -

The family, to whom we belong, are the ones chosen by God, but the family which we can choose on our own are friends. A person can be entirely himself in a sincere friendship without worrying about being criticised . You experience an emotion of acceptance and love. In essence, genuine friendship is what enables us to persist through life. Here are a few sample essays on Importance Of Friendship.

100 Words Essay on the Importance of Friendship

200 words essay on the importance of friendship, 500 words essay on the importance of friendship.

Also Read | Friendship Day Speech

One can always have many friends around but there are always one or two people who can be trusted blindly and they are ready to support each other without fail. These are the most valuable and unforgettable people of our life. Friendship is a unique gift from God that allows people to experience many resonant emotions with one another. A true friend is the most truthful, selfless, and selfless in giving advice and making extraordinary sacrifices . Friendship is a pure bond between two or more individuals which makes them complete when they are together. Friendship is also a pure form of love.

When we have friends around, life’s path is more enjoyable and memorable. Getting connected to people around with whom our interests and likings match is very natural. Even young kids start playing with unknown kids of their age just with this interest. Life is a journey and it demands companions who will be with you at difficult and happy times. No doubt, that family is always there to support but many times we are outside the cosy boundaries of our immediate family. At that point in time, we need friends around to believe, support and love us unconditionally.

Also Read | Friendship Essay

Lucky are those who are surrounded by true-hearted and faithful friends . The amazing fact about friendship is that it doesn’t depend on the age we are in. Everyone gets a chance to choose and make friends in different phases and ages of their lives. We can be infants, young, middle-aged, or old. Friends are also good critics who let us know where we are at fault and correct us from time to time. They are an extended family. Sometimes friends can do what family cannot . We can share each aspect of our life with our true friends without any hesitation. It is always a blessing to have good friends in life.

Friends are the fuel of life without whom we have to push ourselves hard to move forward and make our life happy. Many times a person goes through some circumstances which cannot be discussed with the family but can always be discussed with a friend. We might have a number of friends, but there are a few who can be called true friends. They always drive us to lead in life. They boost our self-esteem by making us important in their lives. The sense and feeling of belongingness are supreme.

Also Read | Best Friend Speech

Friends share a great time of their life together experiencing the ups and downs. Friendship has been an antique bond. Even in Mahabharata, the bond between Lord Krishna and Arjuna was of friendship . From time to time Krishna corrected Arjuna and taught him ways to fight the battle in an intelligent manner. Krishna showed him the path and Arjuna followed him with complete faith. This kind of collaboration holds the utmost importance in human life. Sometimes we also feel aimless and struggle to make ways to eliminate the issues that we can’t handle. At that time friends hold our hands and make our way out. When we accomplish something in life, real friends are there to celebrate. They are always available when there is no one to support and help. Even one real friend in our life can lead to true positive changes in our life.

Importance Of Friendship In Childhood

Kids always show better understanding and holistic development when they are engaged with other kids of their own age group. In this way, they tend to learn faster by observing and imitating. In this age, friendship can yield fruitful results in their upbringing. This can also be seen if we talk about kindergartens. Here, kids learn to care for each other, share things among all and grow in a better way.

Also Read | My Best Friend Essay

Importance Of Friendship In Middle Age

A person in middle age is stuck in his personal and professional life. Everyone is aware of the stress and burden nowadays which does not give enough time to make oneself happy. All are clutched into their routines. But if we have friends then we can plan some time out with family and friends to get that heaviness off our shoulders and enjoy it a lot.

Also Read | A friend In Need Is A Friend Indeed

Importance Of Friendship In Old Age

In the absence of joint families nowadays, it has become tough for the old generation to have a good time and chit-chat with their other family members. When the middle generation is out for work or even stays apart for professional or personal reasons, the old aged can survive well in the presence of their friend circle. They can spend quality time with friends and feel light and happy.

A True Friendship

One day we saw a person on the road who had met with an accident and was looking for his family, calling them on the phone but were unable to connect. He also made a call to his friend for help and within 10 minutes his friend reached the spot and took him to the hospital for further treatment. His friend reached the place of an accident even before his own family could come and he also informed his family members to reach the particular hospital. It shows the kind of connection between friends.

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The Importance of Friendship

Friendships are a crucial part of living a fulfilling life..

Posted July 26, 2021 | Reviewed by Ekua Hagan

• Friendship makes life more enjoyable and enriches one's everyday experiences.
• Finding friends can be challenging but can be often achieved by approaching others with mutual interests.
• The first criteria one should look for in a partner is someone who is ultimately a good friend to them.

As we move through life, we find that there are many things out of our control. We can’t choose our parents, our genetics , or control the things that happen in the world around us. One thing that we can control is who our friends are, and this decision can either make our lives so much richer and beautiful, or more stressful and disappointing. Today we’ll focus on how to choose friends who enrich our lives and make them more beautiful.

Why friends are so important

Having solid friendships is important for two main reasons. First, they make life more enjoyable. We get to share the beautiful aspects of life with people who we love, which can enrich our everyday experiences. Second, our friends help us through the difficult times. Having friends to support us through hard times can make unimaginably difficult situations seem more tolerable.

The most beautiful part about pouring our time and energy into friendships is that not only do friends help enrich our lives, but we enrich theirs too! Friendships get us through the tough times in life, make things more fun and enjoyable, and all-around make our lives better. I urge you to take stock of your friendships and ask yourself if your current friends people build you up and support you, or is the friendship more one-sided?

As we explore friendships today, these are also inclusive of our partners. I believe that the foundation for any healthy relationship is friendship. So it’s important to group our romantic partners into this conversation too.

So, where do we find friends? This might sound silly, but finding friends can be challenging! When I first moved to California for my Ph.D., I didn’t have any friends out here. There were quite a few people in my program that I enjoyed spending time with. But, towards the end of school, they became very busy and were no longer able to dedicate time to hang out anymore. Thankfully, through the help of a very good therapist, I learned that it was important to enjoy life instead of striving for excellence all of the time. As a result, I learned how important it was to carve out time in my life for friends.

Unfortunately, the people I had dedicated time to thus far were achievement-oriented and were pouring their time into work and not our friendships. This forced me to seek out other ways to form connections with people. I ended up finding a local hiking group with the hopes of meeting people with similar interests. During one of these hikes, I met Jim, one of my best friends to this day.

We became instant friends. We have continued to support each other over the years, and even more importantly, we always make time for one another. We both view the friendship as one that makes each other’s lives better, therefore it’s always worth the time and energy. The backbone of any successful friendship is one where both sides put in equal effort and support.

Both Jim and I were forced to put in more effort when he moved across the country to the East Coast. Because we already had such a strong foundation, this didn’t impact our friendship. We talk all of the time and see each other several times a year. We make the relationship a priority no matter what coast each other is on. Like anything in life that is valuable to us, we must work at it and put time and effort into it.

When it's time to move on from a friendship

The second part of the friendship discussion can be a difficult one — reassessing your current friendships and potentially moving on from friends who don’t add value to your life.

Two of my best friends from high school went down different paths from me. We still keep in contact, but I don’t spend too much time with them anymore. The supporting, loving part of our relationship wasn’t there anymore, so it was no longer worth putting energy into maintaining a friendship that had changed so much.

This may be a story you can relate to. What I hope you take away from this post is this — friendships take energy, time, and commitment. And if you’re putting your time and energy into someone who isn’t enriching your life and giving you the support you need, it may be time to reevaluate that friendship.

If you find yourself in the market for friends (who isn’t?) I recommend you find groups or activities that you genuinely enjoy. This way you’ll have the opportunity to connect with people who have similar interests. And once you’re there, take a risk! Talk to people, exchange contact information, and follow up with them. It may feel scary at first, but the reward outweighs the momentary uncomfortable feeling you may have.

Friendship and dating

In many ways, the most important friendship in our lives is the one we have with our romantic partners. The first criteria we should look for in this partner is someone who is ultimately a good friend to us, meaning that they are kind, positive, loving, and supportive. If we’re dating someone and they’re a jerk, it’s probably safe to assume that they’re not a good friend. To avoid this, I recommend seeking out someone who is a good friend first, i.e. before the romance and sexual stuff gets in the way.

When there are bumps in a friendship or a romantic relationship , it’s important to work through those tough times. The tricky part is that it will take two people to fix that issue. We can only control our actions and hold ourselves accountable, but we cannot control our friend or our partner's reaction. In addition to our own actions, we have control over the friends or partners that we choose in the first place. If we prioritize choosing good people who we can trust will work through issues with us, then we can work through anything.

Friendships are a crucial part of living a fulfilling life. It’s so important that we surround ourselves with people who we have fun with, who support us, and people who make us better. You may already have beautiful friendships in your life, but if you’re still in the market for friends, it’s never too late to cultivate new relationships that will make your life even more magnificent.

Robert Puff, Ph.D. , is host and producer of the Happiness Podcast, with over 16 million downloads.

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Friendship Essay

500+ words essay on friendship.

Individuals come across numerous people throughout their life. Those who are near us become our companions. We may have a big group of companions in school and college, yet we realise that we can rely on only a few with whom we share genuine friendships. Here, we have provided an essay on friendship for students. By referring to this essay on friendship essay, students of Classes 5 to 8 can become familiar with essay writing skills. They can learn how to organise their thoughts in an effective way and put them in words. This essay will work as a sample for them. Practising Essays on different topics will enhance their writing skills and thus help them to score high marks in English exams.

We have different types of relationships with people around us. With a few of them, we share a blood bond, such as with our family and with others, we forge our own connections. Friendship is one such relationship which we choose by ourselves. God has given us this liberty to choose friends because they are, in most instances, for a lifetime. A friend is someone who is initially a stranger and then takes his/her place above all other relationships. Friendship is considered one of the treasures that anyone can have.

Friendship can exist between people, regardless of their age and gender. It can even happen between an old man and a small boy. Friendship can also exist between humans and their pet animals. Moreover, it can also be felt in familial relationships such as between father and son, mother and daughter etc. A simple bond of friendship can help uproot various prejudices and negative thoughts from society, such as religious conflict, violence, human rights abuse, poverty, illiteracy, etc. Friendship can generate passion among people to create a better world where all are united together.

Role of a Friend

Friends are an integral part of our life. To develop a strong, true friendship, we should treat friends with love and respect the way we would expect them to treat us. In this way, the friendship will last longer. Some of the ways that define the role of friendship in achieving success are:

• Encouraging and motivating
• Creating a comfort zone
• Listening to each other and providing truthful opinions
• Adding joy to life
• Sharing secrets and being reliable
• Caring and unconditional love
• Helping to grow individually

Best Qualities of a Good Friendship

There is a famous proverb, “A friend in need is a friend indeed”. It means that though we may have several friends at the time of prosperity, many desert us at the time of adversity. We can examine the sincerity of a friend during our hard times. Only a sincere and faithful friend remains with us in times of trouble. All others abandon us.

Friendship is established over the sacrifice, love, faith, and concern of each other. Below we have mentioned some qualities that exist in a good friendship:

• Honest and trustworthy
• Accepting and loyal
• Non-judgemental
• Inspiring and motivating
• Helpful and generous

Famous Examples of Friendship in Indian Mythology

In Indian Mythology, we can find various examples of true friendship. All of us have heard the story of Krishna and Sudama. Sudama was a poor brahmin. His condition became so impoverished that he could not afford food for his family. Then he decided to go to Dwarka to meet his childhood friend Krishna. When he reached Dwarka, he requested the gatekeeper to let him meet with Krishna. As he was dressed dirty, the gatekeeper did not allow him to enter. But, he requested several times and asked the gatekeeper to inform Krishna that his childhood friend was there to meet him. Finally, the gatekeeper showed mercy on him and sent the message to Krishna. On hearing the news of Sudama’s arrival, Krishna came running and welcomed him with an open heart. He also helped him financially by giving him plenty of wealth.

Similarly, there are various stories of friendship described in Indian Mythology. A few of them are the friendship of Karna and Duryodhana, Ram and Sugreeva, Krishna and Arjun.

Essays Topics for Students’ Practice

After writing an essay on friendship, students must practise essays on similar topics. To help them with this, we have provided a few essay topics as suggestions:

• Friendship Day Essay
• Essay on My Best Friend
• Essay on Memories of My Childhood Friends
• Essay on the Importance of True Friendship

Frequently Asked Questions on Friendship

Who is a true friend.

A true friend is one who stands for you and is always ready to help you. He/she understands you and values your feelings. Whose company makes you feel happy, and you can share your thoughts and emotions without any hesitation or fear?

Why do we need friends in our life?

Friends bring happiness into our life. They help in solving problems, whether personal or professional. By talking to them, our stress reduces, and we feel better. Friends improve our self-confidence and help us to find purpose in our life. They offer companionship and thus prevent loneliness.

When is Friendship Day celebrated?

Each year on the first Sunday of August, Friendship Day is celebrated in India.

This “Friendship Essay” must have helped students in improving their writing section for the English exam. Keep learning and stay tuned with BYJU’S for the latest update on CBSE/ICSE/State Board/Competitive Exams. Also, download the BYJU’S App for interactive study videos.

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Greater Good Science Center • Magazine • In Action • In Education

How to Make the Lasting Friendships You Want

When I was a young adult, I loved the song “Did I Happen to Mention” by Julia Fordham. In the song, Fordham laments the potential loss of her lover and sings, “I need another good friend like I need…a hole in my head”—a sentiment I probably agreed with at the time. After all, I had lots of great friends. But compared to a romantic partner, they seemed less important somehow.


That kind of thinking may be common, but it’s very wrong-headed, writes psychologist Marisa Franco in her new book, Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make—and Keep—Friends . Our friends are important to our happiness and well-being, she argues, and they often fulfill us even more than other relationships can.

“We choose our friends, which allows us to surround ourselves with people who root for us, get us, and delight in our joy,” she writes. “Through friendship, we can self-select into some of the most affirming, safe, and sacred relationships of our lives.” The benefits of having close friends in our lives are multiple, says Franco. They make us feel whole, increase our ability to be empathic, and help us to figure out who we are. Friendships are important for healthy aging , too. And they benefit society as a whole, as friendships increase trust and cross-group friendships can decrease prejudice .

Yet some of us make friends more easily than others, depending partly on our “attachment style”—how secure or insecure we’ve learned to feel in relationships. If we assume we are worthy of love and trust friends to provide it (a secure attachment style), it’s likely we’ll have many warm, supportive friendships. But, if we fear abandonment from others, we may act clingingly (anxious attachment style) or act as if we don’t care and withdraw from others (avoidant attachment style). Franco helps people identify their own attachment style (or that of their friends) and gives wise advice for how to prevent an insecure attachment style from torpedoing promising relationships.

If you’re unsure how to make friends or deepen intimacy, Franco has lots of tips for you that can help. 

Take the initiative

It’s obvious that you won’t make friends if no one takes the initiative to connect. But it can seem daunting to do that, especially if you assume friendships need to happen organically, without effort (an attitude likely to stymie friendship) or people won’t like you if they get to know you (a fear that is likely overblown ).

Friendship takes effort, but it can happen in a number of ways. Franco suggests that if you’re more introverted, reconnecting with an old friend you haven’t seen in a while may work well. Or, if you’re more extroverted, you can pay attention when you experience moments of connection with new acquaintances and take a step toward building friendship—maybe asking if they’d like to get coffee sometime.

“We have to put ourselves out there and try. It’s a process of reaching out over and over again,” writes Franco.

To that end, it can be good to join groups or classes that meet more than once, so that you have multiple opportunities to take the initiative. Anticipating more regular contact with someone can be important for building friendships, too.

Increase your willingness to be vulnerable

This is an important part of friendship that too many people ignore. We feel closer to people when we are vulnerable with them, sharing our fears, insecurities, or regrets. And we can grow in intimacy by responding well when others divulge their own foibles to us.

“Understanding and feeling attuned to others’ vulnerability is a key to developing and deepening friendships—and missing those cues can jeopardize them,” says Franco.

People may be fearful that others will judge them if they share things they feel ashamed of. But research suggests the opposite —you endear yourself to others when you share intimacies with them, as long as you don’t overshare or use vulnerability to manipulate someone. This may help explain why the famous “Fast Friends” exercise, where two strangers ask and answer 36 increasingly personal questions , works so well .

One warning, though, says Franco: If you are vulnerable with someone who is avoidant, they may not react as well as you’d like. “Since they are more uncomfortable with emotion, when others are vulnerable, the intimacy, trust, and love inherent to the interaction may be eclipsed by their discomfort with feelings.”

Let people see your authentic self

Being your own authentic self, writes Franco, is when “we aren’t triggered, when we can make intentional, rather than reactive, decisions about how we want to show up in the world.” In other words, it’s not about “telling it like it is” or being brutally honest even if it means putting others down. It’s feeling safe enough to access our higher self and being congruent with our values.

For achieving more authenticity with others, Franco suggests practicing mindfulness, which helps you to access and accept your moment-to-moment experiences. In this way, you can know your inner self better and be less prone to acting defensively when you feel uncomfortable, and more resilient if someone rejects you.

However, while being authentic can build friendships, it may be difficult to be yourself when faced with prejudice. “In a perfect world, we would all be loved in our most authentic form, but in the real world, privilege plays into whose authentic self is welcomed and whose is rejected,” writes Franco. It’s important to “decouple rejection from self-condemnation” and, when necessary, to vet people before bringing your whole self to the relationship.

Be productive with your anger, when it’s needed

All close relationships can involve conflicts or hurts that need repair . So, it’s important to use anger wisely in these situations. Franco recommends letting a friend know when you’re upset with them and why, but with a focus on preserving the relationship (anger born of hope) rather than lashing out with blame or punishment (anger born of despair).

“Anger of despair is the destructive force we typically associate with anger. Anger of hope, however, is a healing force that can deepen friendships, one that we should embrace,” she writes.

That means not letting things fester, but expressing upsets by saying how much you value the friendship, using “I” statements, and admitting fault for your role in creating the conflict. Friends who work through conflict are closer because of it and have more satisfying relationships.

Act with generosity

Generosity can be the social glue that ties people together, and the same goes for friendship. People who are kind and generous are more likely to have many friends and have greater well-being.

Franco recommends performing acts of kindness to cement friendships—like sending a hand-written card, baking a treat, offering to pick up someone from the airport, or letting someone borrow a jacket. Just be sure that you aren’t sacrificing yourself by offering too much generosity to too many people. Otherwise, you may burn out—or cause your relationships to suffer .

Giving with an agenda—to make someone love you, for example—or having generosity only go in one direction probably won’t result in friendship. In those cases, it may be best to cut ties or set your expectations lower for that friendship.

On the other hand, Franco says, you do need to show up when a good friend is in crisis—even when it’s a sacrifice.

“For friendship to flourish, we need to know if we call a friend crying because we got fired from our job at the nuclear power plant, they won’t text back, ‘I am currently unavailable,’” she writes.

Show affection

As James Taylor once sang, “Shower the people you love with love. Show them the way that you feel.” That includes your friends. Showing affection is a sure way to make someone feel valued.

Yet some people may fear expressing affection for a friend, worrying that it will be unwanted or misconstrued. This may be especially true for men in cultures where homophobia is rampant or where men are raised not to feel their feelings for other men—or even women.

Still, research shows that outward expressions of caring are an important ingredient in friendship for everyone. You may need to tailor your affection to your friend’s tolerance for closeness—physical or emotional. But people like people who like them, and showing affection communicates that you like someone—while withholding it can be a relationship killer.

“The more you show affection, the more likely you are to not just make friends, but also deepen the friendships you already have,” writes Franco.

All in all, Franco’s central message is that we have the power to strengthen friendships, if only we invest in them. And it’s worth it, because when we value our friendships, we can transform our lives for the better.

“Don’t wait for a calamity to rock you into realizing friendship is priceless,” she writes. “Engrave friendship on your list. Make being a good friend a part of who you are, because a deep and true core that needs to belong lies within us all.”

About the Author

Jill Suttie

Jill Suttie, Psy.D. , is Greater Good ’s former book review editor and now serves as a staff writer and contributing editor for the magazine. She received her doctorate of psychology from the University of San Francisco in 1998 and was a psychologist in private practice before coming to Greater Good .

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Friendship Essay: Writing Guide & Topics on Friendship [New]

Assigned with an essay about friendship? Congrats! It’s one of the best tasks you could get. Digging through your memories and finding strong arguments for this paper can be an enjoyable experience.

Our specialists will write a custom essay specially for you!

I bet you will cope with this task effortlessly as we can help you with the assignment. Just use the essay topics on friendship and tips described below.

• 🖊️ Writing Guide
• 💡 50 Essay Topics
• 💬 10 Witty Quotes

1. 🖊️ Friendship Essay: Writing Guide

If you’ve been given to write an essay about friendship, then you have accepted one of the best tasks. It can be challenging as it requires recollecting the memories associated with the friend. Also, it requires following a particular guideline.

• Choose a topic

To start writing an essay on friendship, you need to choose a good topic. There are several things you need to keep in mind:

• When writing an essay about friendship, make sure the topic you choose corresponds to the type of the paper (e.g., opinion or narrative essay );
• The topic you choose needs to be enough to develop it in the essay. If your idea is too broad, you will not describe it sufficiently. If it’s too narrow, you will not have enough information to write about.
• Find evidence

Research your topic. Use the available sources for searching for information, such as books, dictionaries, and internet sources. Find enough data to support your argument. Also, think about life experiences that can be used under this topic. An essay on friendship usually requires using personal examples as evidence.

• Outline your essay

Think about the information you will include in different parts of the essay. Usually, such papers consist of an introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.

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Introduction : A paragraph that includes any necessary background information and a thesis statement .

Body Paragraphs : Generally, essays include three separate body paragraphs. They present arguments and additional support individually.

Conclusion : The last paragraph that summarizes major points and restates the thesis statement.

• Write and proofread

As you have your topic and outline ready, start writing your friendship essay. When you finish, carefully proofread. Double-check your spelling, the accuracy of the information, and grammar. Make sure to format your essay according to the guidelines.

Ask someone to help you revise the text: a person might notice mistakes you didn’t see. Another great way to revise your paper is by checking friendship essay examples to get inspired and see what you can improve in your writing.

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2. ⛔ Essay on Friendship: 5 No-Nos

Writing an essay about friendship can seem less challenging than composing a paper on some uncommon topic. Yet, there are still mistakes that a student can make.

Check the following five taboos that you should avoid:

• Avoid complaining. Some students use this task as their chance to complain about someone having betrayed them. Bad things happen. Move on and find better ideas to include in your friendship essay.
• Avoid flattering. Another extreme to be avoided is singing the praises to someone. Even if you badly want to include something like ‘I was blessed to meet Tom who was my best friend ever,’ try to refrain from writing just that and add more exciting details instead to create some context and let your readers know exactly why and how was Tom such a great friend to you.
• Don’t add too much drama. Focusing on how you can’t imagine your life without your friends from school you left is a bad idea.
• Don’t be too negative. Sure, you are free to defend any position in this paper. Yet, teachers would like it better if your essay is optimistic (and you might be happier writing it too).
• Don’t forget to include examples. Examples from your personal life and books will make your paper more sincere and persuasive.

3. 💡 50 Essay Topics on Friendship

Any excellent essay starts with an idea that you can explore in detail. We’ve prepared 50 writing prompts and topics to help you pick the perfect theme for your paper:

• Three kinds of friendships, according to Aristotle . The philosopher pointed out that there are three different types of friendship: the friendship of utility, the friendship of pleasure, and virtuous friendship. Which one resonates with you? Why?
• Qualities of a true friend. People like seeing such character traits as loyalty, trustworthiness, and honesty in a best friend. But do all good friends have these qualities? Think of what makes a good friend. Describe the characteristics you like seeing in a person. 
• Is friendship relatable to love and vice versa? It’s suggested that any bond can develop into a romantic relationship . But, can romantic relationships transform into friendship? Write your opinion on the topic.
• The similarity of interests vs. compatibility of temperaments . Both are equally important in any relationship, and you can discuss this. Do you think that any of the factors play a more influential role in friendship? Why?
• A friend to everyone is a friend to no one. How do you understand that phrase? Can such people be true friends?
• The power of friendship. Having a genuine friendship is believed to reduce stress and anxiety and improve our self-esteem . Are there any other possible effects of this attachment? Describe them. Mention the effects of friendship on your life.
• Should you mix business and friendship? Working with your friends can be a pleasure or a liability. Do you think working with friends can positively influence your career? Why or why not? Or, maybe you believe that friends at a workplace can create a toxic situation?  
• Can you find good friends online ? Sometimes you may want to expand your social circle. One way to do so is to find a friend online. Share your opinion on whether it is possible to form true friendship online.
• The need to have a friend. Having friends is an essential part of our lives. They motivate us to change and lift our spirits. What are other reasons to have a friend? Provide a personal example, if possible. 
• The most significant aspects of a friendship. Some people appreciate confidentiality or respect the most in a company. Name and describe the elements you appreciate in friendship. 
• An unexpected friendship. We all know that one person we didn’t like from the start but later became best friends. How did you meet them? What was your first impression ? Are you still best friends?
• Friendship is a treasure. Do you think every person needs a true friend? Can friends be compared to treasures? Are real friends as hard to find as gold?
• My best friend . Describe your best friend and their qualities. Reflect on your relationship. What impact did this friendship leave on your life?
• Friendship with your parents. Some people suggest that being friends with their parents is wonderful. Others think it is nearly impossible. What’s your opinion on such a relationship with parents? Are you friends with them? 
• The psychological effect of a bad friendship. Friendship and social support are linked to the mental and physical well-being of people. But what about toxic friendship? What are its effects on a human’s health? Have you ever encountered it? How did you deal with it?
• Friendship in the age of social media .
• Explain the destructive effect of jealousy on friendships and romantic relationships.
• The importance of freedom in a relationship between friends.
• Three main views on the term “friend.”
• Friendship concept in different cultures .
• How friendly relationships improve employees’ performance.
• Describe the positive impact of computer communication on people’s relationships.
• Can friendship be destroyed by the lack of communication?  
• Why is friendship important?
• Explain how you understand the statement that friendship is a two-way process .
• Is friendship between students necessary for a positive classroom atmosphere?  
• Discuss if children’s friendship is a necessary part of their healthy development.
• Resolving issues in friendship through interpersonal communication .
• Why any form of abuse can destroy friendly relationships.  
• Explore the theme of friendship in Recitatif by Toni Morrison .
• Describe the concepts of friendship according to St. Augustine .
• Is generosity important for a strong friendship?
• Discuss the importance of friendly and loving relationships for a person’s mental health.
• Compare Boethius and Dante’s ideas of friendship .
• Which type of friendship do you value the most?
• Examine the friendship of Gilgamesh and Enkidu in the ancient Mesopotamian poem, The Epic of Gilgamesh .
• How is the idea of friendship described in literary works?
• The role of childhood friendship in your life.
• Describe how your notion of friendship changed in a lifespan.
• Discuss the ways social media platforms put additional pressure on teens’ friendship.
• Analyze the descriptions of friendship in poetry.
• What aspects do you consider when accepting a friend in Facebook? 
• Is social media to blame for the absence of close friends?
• Explain why you like or dislike the idea of traveling with friends .
• Describe the ways you communicate with your friends .
• Can money cause issues in relationships between friends?
• The importance of friendship in Sherman Alexie’s The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian .
• Discuss the importance of behavior in relationships with friends and loved ones.
• Give advice how to keep healthy relationships with your friends.
• Describe problems that can ruin your relationships with friends and the ways to avoid them.

We hope that you won’t find the task troubling with our friendship essay topics and tips.

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4. 💬 Essay on Friendship: 10 Witty Quotes

• “A friend in need is a friend indeed.”(Proverb)
• “A friend is one who knows you and loves you just the same.” (Elbert Hubbard)
• “I don’t need a friend who changes when I change and who nods when I nod; my shadow does that much better.” (Plutarch)
• “The only way to have a friend is to be one.” (Ralph Waldo Emerson)
• “It is more shameful to distrust our friends than to be deceived by them.” (Confucius)
• “It is not so much our friends’ help that helps us, as the confidence of their help.” (Epicurus )
• “Be slow in choosing a friend, slower in changing.” (Benjamin Franklin)
• “Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: “What! You too? I thought I was the only one.” ( C.S. Lewis)
• “You can’t stay in your corner of the Forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes.” (A.A. Milne)
• “Anybody can sympathise with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathise with a friend’s success.” ( Oscar Wilde)

Now, with these tips and ideas, you won’t have any difficulties with your friendship essays. Don’t hesitate to drop us a line in the section below if you have any questions or suggestions.

Learn more on this topic:

• How to Write an Impressive Discursive Essay: Tips to Succeed
• Teamwork Essay: Quick Guide on How to Write a Good Paper
• Compare and Contrast Essay Writing Tips and Examples
• Transportation Essay: Writing Tips and Brilliant Topics
• Outlining, Writing a Paper: Academic Guides at Walden University
• Outlining: David Kornhaber, for the Writing Center at Harvard University
• Friendship Essay: Bartleby
• How to Do Research for an Excellent Essay, the Complete Guide: Oxford Royale Academy
• Proofreading Your Paper, Organizing Your Social Sciences Research Paper: Research Guides at University of Southern California
• 45 Cute Best Friend Quotes, Short Quotes About True Friends: Madison Alcedo, Country Living
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Essays About Best Friends: 5 Essay Examples and 7 Prompts

If you’re writing an essay and want to put your best friend in the spotlight, check out these essay examples on essays about best friends. 

Best friends are those with whom we have formed a deep and unique bond. What makes them remarkably special is that we chose them unlike with family. For this, some even consider their best friends to be extensions of themselves. 

We all trust our best friends wholeheartedly; that’s why they are the best people to confide in. And many of the lasting memories in our lives are those that we create with them. These memories could be filled with waves of boisterous laughter or even the most piercing pain when your friendship is tested.

Read on and find essay examples and prompts that could motivate you to write about best friends.

5 Essay Examples

1. how friendships change in adulthood by julie beck, 2. diamonds are not this girl’s best friend by courtney carver, 3. how to tell your best friend you’re in love with them – by those who have taken the plunge by sirin kale, 4. my best friend died: a real-life guide to coping by gabrielle applebury, 5. is it normal to not have a best friend by viktor sander, 7 helpful writing prompts on essays about best friends, 1. describe your best friend, 2. hanging out with your best friend , 3. long distance friendship, 4. cutting off toxic best friends, 5. falling in love with your best friend, 6. famous literary friendships, 7. a dog is a man’s best friend.

“Hanging out with a set of lifelong best friends can be annoying, because the years of inside jokes and references often make their communication unintelligible to outsiders. But this sort of shared language is part of what makes friendships last.”

The above essay delves into the evolution of friendship throughout the different stages of our lives, from childhood and teen years to family life and retirement. While we have all deferred a meetup with friends several times to attend to family and work, many people still treat their friendship as stable and continuous, even in long lapses in communication. 

You might also find these essays about camping trips helpful.

“My best friend is a magical, rooftop sunrise. My best friend is the ocean. My best friend is a hike in the mountains. My best friend is a peaceful afternoon. My best friend is a really good book. My best friend is laughter. My best friend is seeing the world. My best friend is time with people I love.”

This essay takes on a broader definition of a “best friend,” deriving from Marilyn Monroe’s famous quote: “Diamond are a girl’s best friend.” From having excessive material wants for every occasion, the author realizes that the greatest “friends” in life are not material things but the simple joys that nature and love can bring.

“It was supposed to go the way things do in the movies. Nora would tell her best friend that she loved him, he would feel the same way and then they would kiss – preferably in the rain. So when the 30-year-old arts manager declared her love for her best friend when they were still teenagers, she expected a happy ending.”

Check out these essays about beauty .

The essay by Srirn Kale treats its readers to compelling stories of best friends ending up in marriage and those parting ways because of unrequited love. But, before taking the bold step of declaring your love for your best friend, a relationship guru advises lovers first to read the signs that signal any reciprocity of these deep feelings. 

“Losing a best friend may be one of the most difficult and heartbreaking experiences you have in your lifetime. If you aren’t sure how to process that your best friend died, know that there are many healthy options when it comes to coping with this type of loss.”

Coping with losing a best friend could lead to depression or even suicidal thoughts, especially if your best friend means the world to you. Some coping tips include journaling your grieving process to understand your emotions and confusion better and doing things that can relive your best friend’s memories. 

“If you are happy with the friends you currently have, there’s no need to try making a best friend for the sake of it. You might have friends but no best friend; that’s perfectly OK. It’s not necessary to have a BFF.” 

Not everyone has a best friend. Some would find this fact hard to believe, but a YouGov survey has shown that 1 in 5 of the US population claims to have no close friends. The essay, therefore, explores the reasons for this friendlessness and gives tips on building a bond with potential best friends, starting with your existing circle of acquaintances.

Check out our top writing prompts to help you celebrate and write about best friends.

Begin this essay by describing what your best friend looks like and what traits you like most about them. Then, given these qualities, would you consider your best friend a role model? Your essay can also answer how similar you and your best friend are and what things you both agree on. But if you have more differences than similarities, write how you deal with them or put them aside.

In this essay, describe your favorite ways to hang out with your best friend. What do you like doing together? Describe what a day spent with your best friend looks like and which part you like most about your dates. If your conversations draw your mutual admiration for each other, then talk about what topics make you talk for hours on end and their perspectives on things that you find fascinating.

Do different time zones make friends grow apart? Or does distance make the heart grow fonder? First, interview two to three people whose best friends moved to a different country or city. Next, learn how frequently they communicate with each other. Finally, compile these stories and make a smooth transition to each one such that the structure highlights the challenges of long-distance friendships and how each set of friends gets by. 

Discarding best friends is a hard decision. But it is also brave if you feel they are dragging you down. For this prompt, you can pose a list of questions readers can ask themselves to grasp the situation better. For example, is your friend doing you more harm than good? Have you set boundaries that they find hard to respect? Then, explain how reflecting on each question can help one determine when it is time to cut some ties loose.

Falling in love with your best friend can only end in two scenarios: a happy ever after or an end of a beautiful relationship. Expanding on our essay prompt above, list down more tips to know when it is best to confront your best friend about your feelings or work hard to quash your emotions for the continuity of the relationship.

Pick out best friends from novels that formed friendships that touched you the most. They could be Harry, Ron, Hermoine of Harry Potter, Frodo, Sam of the Lord Of The Rings, or even Sherlock and Watson From The Adventures Of Sherlock Holmes. First, describe what it is in their friendship that you find most riveting. Then, narrate events that served as the biggest tests to their friendships and how they conquered these challenges. 

What about dogs that some people find more lovable than others? Answer this in your essay by outlining the traits that make a dog the ideal best friend. For one, their loyalty makes us confident that they will not betray us. If you have a dog, write about the qualities that make your dog a reliable and fun companion. Then, narrate events when your dog proved to be your best friend. 

If you’re still stuck, check out our general resource of essay writing topics . 

If you want to ensure that your thoughts flow smoothly in your essay, check out our guide packed full of transition words for essays .

Martin is an avid writer specializing in editing and proofreading. He also enjoys literary analysis and writing about food and travel.

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Together Forever

What If Friends Are The Life Partners That Matter Most?

Recent books have made the case that marriage is the key to American prosperity — and divorce the key to happiness. But what if we made our friendships the center of our lives?

Americans are lonely, alarmingly so. Last year, the nation’s leading public health authority, the US Surgeon General, released a report documenting an “epidemic of loneliness and isolation.” In recent years, about half of Americans reported experiencing loneliness, which has effects on mortality akin to smoking three-fourths of a pack of cigarettes a day. Time was, people solved the loneliness problem by getting, and staying, married. Today, the share of 25- to 54-year-olds who are married is down to just over one in two, a sharp drop from three decades ago, when two out of three prime-working age people came home to a spouse. Friendship has taken a hit as well. The share of Americans who report having three or fewer close friends has nearly doubled to 49% in 2021, up from 27% in 1990.

Amidst a clear vacuum in human connection and flourishing comes a spate of books about what kinds of bonds make for a well-lived life and, by extension, a well-adjusted society. To hear marriage advocates tell it, matrimony comes with a whole host of financial and psychological benefits for its participants. Just as, or perhaps even more, important are the benefits marriage confers on any children that issue from such a union. By contrast, if you take divorce advocates at their word, breaking free of marriage and its inherent patriarchy brings its own suite of perks, not least of which is happiness. Then there are the friendship advocates, who argue that the relationships many people consider peripheral should occupy a more central role in our lives. (There are also the polyamory advocates, but that’s probably another essay).

Marriage’s most prominent recent defenders are a pair of social scientists who have mined their disciplines for supporting data. Melissa S. Kearney, an economist , focuses on children’s outcomes in The Two-Parent Privilege: How Americans Stopped Getting Married and Started Falling Behind , in which she marshalls numerous studies showing that the children of married two-parent families are more likely to avoid incarceration, graduate high school, and find employment. In Get Married: Why Americans Should Defy the Elites, Forge Strong Families, and Save Civilization , the sociologist Brad Wilcox musters surveys and data that show people who marry are wealthier, happier, and live more meaningful lives.

Wilcox suggests viewing marriage almost like a business whose product is successful children.

Kearney posits herself as a bold iconoclast, speaking truth to her economist colleagues who would rather focus on charts and graphs than address the messy business of marriage. This is a strange assertion, because economists have studied these matters for decades, and Kearney draws heavily on their findings, as well as on her own work linking family structure to children’s well-being. While these studies do point to better outcomes for kids who grow up in married households, many of them are not designed to untangle correlation and causation. In fact, some studies that do control for income and parental structure point to resources, rather than family structure, as the salient variable: Harvard sociologist Christina Cross, for example, has found that Black students from low-income single-parent households had similar educational outcomes as those from low-income two-parent households; it was Black youth from well-off two-parent households who did better .

Wilcox’s approach is even more confusing. A sociologist with a PhD. from Princeton, he styles himself as a man of the people and calls out “elite hypocrisy” on marriage, a strawman represented by couple of Huffington Post and Bloomberg columns and a few quasi-highbrow cultural artifacts (the Noah Baumbach film Marriage Story comes in for a beating). Wilcox presents solutions by zeroing in on four demographic groups — Asian-Americans, “Strivers” (who are proxied by college degrees), the faithful, and conservatives — who he calls the “Masters of Marriage” for their higher-than-average marriage rates. By replicating their behaviors or values, his theory goes, one can become an ace at marriage.

For example, he suggests viewing marriage almost like a business whose product is successful children, citing a Korean-American woman named Lisa Lee. Lee tells Wilcox that “Romance is not her first priority in her marriage: ‘It may sound really cold to say that it’s an economic partnership, but in some ways it is. And the project of raising our children is, at the moment, the overwhelming priority for [me and my husband] until they are out of the house and financially independent.’” Lee’s mindset, he continues, “is consistent with my research showing that Asian Americans are more likely than Whites, Hispanics, and Blacks to believe that couples with children should make every effort to stay married, even if they are not happy.”

Stick with it, even if it makes you miserable, is a tough pill to swallow, whatever your ethnic background. And is this really best for the kids? Kids aren’t dumb. In my observation, children sense when their parents are unhappily married. Not only will they grow up without a model of a healthy and loving relationship, but they often don’t feel good at home when they see that one or both of their parents is unhappy, or isn’t respected or valued by the other parent.

Which leads us to divorce, the star of Lyz Lenz’s new memoir This American Ex-Wife: How I Ended My Marriage and Started My Life . The book opens with a detailed description of the contents of a bag of trash her husband has let fall off a bench and cover the floor, where she happens upon it at 1 a.m., returning home from a work trip. “Go-­GURT wrappers, tissues, plastic plates, Goldfish crackers, damp napkins, orange peels, dried chunks of cheese, and a broken toy from a fast food chain.” Her husband has left the trash on the bench with the intention of taking it out the next day, but if past behavior predicts future outcomes, it will eventually fall to her. Once, she recounts, he left the bag on the bench for a full week before the rotting smell pushed her to blink first and take it outside, then clean up the wet mess. A couple of pages later, she recounts how she realized, several months earlier, that he had been hiding her belongings — shirts, mugs — simply because he dislikes them. After months of weekly couples therapy, during which he promises to stop, another item disappears. “I knew he’d taken it. And he’d taken it because he didn’t like it. He didn’t like me,” she concludes.

One obvious takeaway: Don’t marry someone who doesn’t like you or sounds like a real schmuck. Spend time instead with people who love you, value you, and support you.

Lenz proceeds to extrapolate a lesson that would set Wilcox’s hair on fire: the path to happiness and fulfillment, especially for straight women, winds through divorce, rather than in the fundamentally broken institution of marriage. She recounts the myriad ways that marriage reinforces patriarchy, both in the past and in the present: the laws and practice of coverture , for example, in which a woman’s legal identity is subsumed by her husband upon marrying, or research showing that single mothers today actually do less housework and have more free time and more sleep than their married counterparts. (Women, she notes, initiate nearly 70% of divorces.) Men are the villains of Lenz’s book; the heroes are the friends and family who support her. With their help, and with the delightful company of her two children, she rebuilds a life around her own freedom and fulfillment, both professional and, at times, sexual.

One obvious takeaway from Lenz’s story is: don’t marry someone who doesn’t like you or sounds like a real schmuck. Spend time instead with people who love you, value you, and support you. If this all seems fairly intuitive, the message appears to have been lost on the marriage advocates, whose laser focus on marriage per se obscures any curiosity about what it actually is about marriage that can — but doesn’t always — make people’s lives better.

It is precisely this quality of connection, and its role in a good life, that is the subject of The Other Significant Others: Reimagining Life with Friendship at the Center , journalist Rhaina Cohen’s case that deep friendships deserve a more prominent place in our lives, our vocabulary, and our legal system. Cohen, a podcast producer and print reporter, presents a series of case studies, interwoven with social science, that deftly illustrate why relationships are so essential to our well-being. These friendships are characterized by exceptional compatibility and a commitment to the other person and to the relationship that is rarely seen outside of romantic partnership. Yet, Cohen writes, “Society neglects the possibilities for profound platonic connection,” with few legal or social avenues that accord them the recognition they deserve.

Marriage is so privileged in the United States that the meaningful non-marital relationships are incomprehensible — socially, legally, and even linguistically — in that few people can identify the appropriate label for their connection.

Many of the friends Cohen profiles live together. Nick and Art are two youth pastors in their late twenties who met as undergraduates at a small Christian college. After Art came out as gay, and decided he had to become celibate in order to retain his faith, he didn’t think he could face the lifetime of loneliness ahead. Nick suggested he move in, despite his own discomfort with homosexuality, which he actively worked to overcome. By the end of the chapter, Nick has a girlfriend, Morgan; she texts Art a photo of a couch she likes, to ask him if they can buy it for their shared home when she and Nick get married. “Absolutely,” he tells her.

Another pair of friends, Stacey and Grace, are planning along with their other best friend Caroline to all make their lives in Chicago, where they met as undergraduates. After they graduate, the pair find themselves traveling for holidays to see one another, and making major life plans together, such as where to live and settle down. They debrief after they’ve read something meaningful and ask each other for work advice. They describe themselves as “same soul.” Grace tells Cohen, “It’s hard to mark where one person begins and the other ends.”

Barb and Inez, two women who met in the 1960s and have been friends ever since Barb, who couldn’t have biological children for medical reasons, invited herself on a two-week road trip Inez was taking with her two sons. More than 50 years later, they share a ranch house they call “the Hermitage.” They alternate taking out the trash, and remind each other to turn off the hose or take their medications. This serene set-up won’t fend off death or keep down the extortionate costs of long-term care in America, but Barb and Inez know they have each other for as long as they are sound of body. In sickness and in health, you might say.

What struck me about these friendships was not simply the depth of care and tenderness that made each portrait more moving than the last, but the remarkable nature of each individual person in the relationship. To a one, the friends in the book come across as thoughtful, open, service-oriented, humble, self-aware, and communicative, people for whom connection and caring for others are guiding principles in their lives. Art and Nick are youth pastors, called to serve their faith communities. Barb and Inez cared for their friend Ann during years of cancer treatment, spending her last day with her in hospice. Andrew and Toly, another pair of “platonic life partners,” volunteered together as software developers in Tanzania and cofounded a nonprofit.

They also embrace the hard work of being in a deeply committed relationship with another person. Nick faces his own “homohysteria” with a framework he and Art came up with (“ What is moral? What is cultural? What is personal ?”) to help him overcome his discomfort with things such as Art’s expressions of physical affection. Lenz’s husband, by contrast, comes across as unkind, obstinate, and selfish — not great marriage material, but not very promising friend material either. After her divorce, many of the men she goes on to date also don’t treat her especially well. One friend she goes on a romantic road trip with announces, upon its conclusion, that he’s reuniting with an ex; another boyfriend, a “midlist writer” who “donated to liberal causes, posted on social media about how Black lives matter, fundraised for reproductive rights, and supported mutual aid” refuses to wear a condom with her and gets mad at her for asking. These examples (and her own acknowledgement that marriage “doesn’t have to be this way”) chip away at the idea that it’s marriage that’s the problem, and divorce that’s the solution, and suggest instead that a lack of basic decency, empathy, and communications skills makes these liaisons such letdowns.

That not-too-groundbreaking insight —that it is the qualities of the people in a relationship that make the relationship succeed or founder — does not lend itself to neat policy prescriptions. Government-funded marriage promotion programs with the express aim of teaching relationship and communication skills have an almost embarrassingly poor track record, which even Kearney admits. Changes to the tax code, such as eliminating the “benefits cliff” that strips low-income people of welfare benefits if they marry and increase their household income, makes clear ethical, moral, and economic sense, but it is not going to save a relationship in which one or both parties is selfish or oblivious. Both Wilcox and Kearney call for a cultural shift to reprioritize marriage, but as Cohen’s book shows, marriage is already so privileged in the US that the meaningful non-marital relationships she profiles are incomprehensible — socially, legally, and even linguistically — in that few people can identify the appropriate label for their connection.

Cohen asks us to imagine more for our friendships, to think about what they could be if we weren’t so laser-focused on romance.

Cohen argues for legal reforms that would unbundle the privileges of marriage, such a simple two-page form offered by the state of Colorado known as a “designated beneficiary agreement.” It allows people to grant rights to another person (a friend, child, or parent, for example) in 16 categories, most of which touch on health and finances, such as being a health care proxy or the beneficiary of a life insurance policy, without paying for the costly services of an estate or family attorney. Such an option wouldn’t remove the many privileges of marriage, but redistribute them to a wider range of people.

Finally, Cohen asks us to imagine more for our friendships, to think about what they could be if we weren’t so preoccupied with romance. She ends the book with the story of how she and her husband moved in with two friends, Naomi and Daniel, and their children. The entire process was characterized by warmth, communication, and vulnerability. An early lunch conversation centers around what was most likely to go wrong in their living situation. “Hearing all of us utter our concerns and acknowledge that our living arrangement was potentially fragile, instead of making it feel doomed, brought me closer to Naomi and Daniel,” Cohen writes.

The lesson I took from Cohen’s book was that these qualities and values — self-awareness, empathy, openness, and intentional communication — are what made those relationships so beautiful to behold. Perhaps because we live in a time when the opposite qualities are too often lionized and rewarded, to say nothing of algorithmically incentivized, I relished reading about such kind people, their loveliness vivid on the page. I came away thinking that if we could only fortify these qualities in people, then relationships, marital or not, and the human and societal flourishing that comes with deep connection, might just take care of themselves.

Anna Louie Sussman is a New York-based journalist an d 2024 Alicia Patterson fellow w ho reports on gender, economics, health, and reproduction. She is currently at work on the book Inconceivable: Reproduction in an Age of Uncertainty , which looks at the challenges people face in starting and growing their families. She has previously written for Romper about how the new class of weight loss drugs might impact fertility .

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Guest Essay

Saying Goodbye to My Brilliant Friend, the Poetry Critic Helen Vendler

By Roger Rosenblatt

The author, most recently, of “Cataract Blues: Running the Keyboard.”

One makes so few new friends in older age — I mean, real friends, the ones you bond with and hold dear, as if you’d known one another since childhood.

Old age often prevents, or at least tempers, such discoveries. The joy of suddenly finding someone of compatible tastes, politics, intellectual interests and sense of humor can be shadowed, if tacitly, by the inevitable prospect of loss.

I became friends with Helen Vendler — the legendary poetry critic who died last week — six years ago, after she came to a talk I gave at Harvard about my 1965-66 Fulbright year in Ireland. Our friendship was close at the outset and was fortified and deepened by many letters between us, by our writing.

Some critics gain notice by something new they discover in the literature they examine. Helen became the most important critic of the age by dealing with something old and basic — the fact that great poetry was, well, lovable. Her vast knowledge of it was not like anyone else’s, and she embraced the poets she admired with informed exuberance.

The evening we met, Helen and I huddled together for an hour, maybe two, speaking of the great Celtic scholar John Kelleher, under whom we had both studied; of Irish poetry; and of our families. Helen was born to cruelly restrictive Irish Catholic parents who would not think of her going to anything but a Catholic college. When Helen rebelled against them, she was effectively tossed out and never allowed to return home.

She told me all this at our very first meeting. And I told her the sorrows of my own life — the untimely death of my daughter, Amy, and the seven-plus years my wife, Ginny, and I spent helping to rear her three children. And I told Helen unhappy things about my own upbringing. The loneliness. I think we both sensed that we had found someone we could trust with our lives.

I never asked Helen why she had come to my talk in the first place, though I had recognized her immediately. After spending a life with English and American poetry — especially the poetry of Wallace Stevens — how could I not? The alert tilt of her head, the two parenthetical lines around the mouth that always seemed on the verge of saying something meaningful and the sad-kind-wise eyes of the most significant literary figure since Edmund Wilson.

And unlike Wilson, Helen was never compelled to show off. She knew as much about American writing as Wilson, and, I believe, loved it more.

It was that, even more than the breadth and depth of her learning, that set her apart. She was a poet who didn’t write poetry, but felt it like a poet, and thus knew the art form to the core of her being. Her method of “close reading,” studying a poem intently word by word, was her way of writing it in reverse.

Weeks before Helen’s death and what would have been her 91st birthday, we exchanged letters. I had sent her an essay I’d just written on the beauty of wonder, stemming from the wonder so many people felt upon viewing the total solar eclipse earlier this month. I often sent Helen things I wrote. Some she liked less than others, and she was never shy to say so. She liked the essay on wonder, though she said she was never a wonderer herself, but a “hopeless pragmatist,” not subject to miracles, except upon two occasions. One was the birth of her son, David, whom she mentioned in letters often. She loved David deeply, and both were happy when she moved from epic Cambridge to lyrical Laguna Niguel, Calif., to be near him, as she grew infirm.

Her second miracle, coincidentally, occurred when Seamus Heaney drove her to see a solar eclipse at Tintern Abbey. There, among the Welsh ruins, Helen had an astonishing experience, one that she described to me in a way that seemed almost to evoke Wordsworth:

I had of course read descriptions of the phenomena of a total eclipse, but no words could equal the total-body/total landscape effect; the ceasing of bird song; the inexorability of the dimming to a crescent and then to a corona; the total silence; the gradual salience of the stars; the iciness of the silhouette of the towers; the looming terror of the steely eclipse of all of nature. Now that quelled utterly any purely “scientific” interest. One became pure animal, only animal, no “thought-process” being even conceivable.

One who claims not to know wonders shows herself to be one.

She was so intent on the beauty of the poets she understood so deeply, she never could see why others found her appreciations remarkable. Once, when I sent her a note complimenting her on a wonderfully original observation she’d made in a recent article, she wrote: “So kind of you to encourage me. I always feel that everything I say would be obvious to anyone who can read, so am always amazed when someone praises something.”

Only an innocent of the highest order would say such a beautiful, preposterous thing. When recently the American Academy of Arts and Letters awarded her the Gold Medal for Belle Lettres and Criticism, Helen was shocked.

“You could have floored me when I got the call,” she wrote to me, adding: “Perhaps I was chosen by the committee because of my advanced age; if so, I can’t complain. The quote that came to mind was Lowell’s ‘My head grizzled with the years’ gold garbage.’”

She was always doing that — attaching a quotation from poetry to a thought or experience of her own, as if she occupied the same room as all the great poets, living with them as closely as loved ones in a tenement.

Shelley called poets the “unacknowledged legislators of the world.” I never fully got that famous line. But if the legislators’ laws apply to feeling and conduct, I think he was onto something. If one reads poetry — ancient and modern — as deeply as Helen did, and stays with it, and lets it roll around in one’s head, the effect is transporting. You find yourself in a better realm of feeling and language. And nothing of the noisier outer world — not Donald Trump, not Taylor Swift — can get to you.

In our last exchange of letters, Helen told me about the death she was arranging for herself. I was brokenhearted to realize that I was losing someone who had given me and countless others so much thought and joy. Her last words to me were telling, though, and settled the matter as only practical, spiritual Helen could:

I feel not a whit sad at the fact of death, but massively sad at leaving friends behind, among whom you count dearly. I have always known what my true feelings are by whatever line of poetry rises unbidden to my mind on any occasion; to my genuine happiness, this time was a line from Herbert’s “Evensong,” in which God (always in Herbert, more like Jesus than Jehovah), says to the poet, “Henceforth repose; your work is done.”

She closed her letter as I closed my response. “Love and farewell.”

Roger Rosenblatt is the author, most recently, of “Cataract Blues: Running the Keyboard.”

The Times is committed to publishing a diversity of letters to the editor. We’d like to hear what you think about this or any of our articles. Here are some tips . And here’s our email: [email protected] .

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Book Review: Memoirist Lilly Dancyger’s penetrating essays explore the power of female friendships

This cover image released by Dial Press shows “First Love” by Lilly Dancyger. (Dial Press via AP)

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Who means more to you — your friends or your lovers? In a vivid, thoughtful and nuanced collection of essays, Lilly Dancyger explores the powerful role that female friendships played in her chaotic upbringing marked by her parents’ heroin use and her father’s untimely death when she was only 12.

“First Love: Essays on Friendship” begins with a beautiful paean to her cousin Sabina, who was raped and murdered at age 20 on her way home from a club. As little kids, their older relatives used to call them Snow White and Rose Red after the Grimm’s fairy tale, “two sisters who are not rivals or foils, but simply love each other.”

That simple, uncomplicated love would become the template for a series of subsequent relationships with girls and women that helped her survive her self-destructive adolescence and provided unconditional support as she scrambled to create a new identity as a “hypercompetent” writer, teacher and editor. “It’s true that I’ve never been satisfied with friendships that stay on the surface. That my friends are my family, my truest beloveds, each relationship a world of its own,” she writes in the title essay “First Love.”

The collection stands out not just for its elegant, unadorned writing but also for the way she effortlessly pivots between personal history and spot-on cultural criticism that both comments on and critiques the way that girls and women have been portrayed — and have portrayed themselves — in the media, including on online platforms like Tumblr and Instagram.

For instance, she examines the 1994 Peter Jackson film, “Heavenly Creatures,” based on the true story of two teenage girls who bludgeoned to death one of their mothers. And in the essay “Sad Girls,” about the suicide of a close friend, she analyzes the allure of self-destructive figures like Sylvia Plath and Janis Joplin to a certain type of teen, including herself, who wallows in sadness and wants to make sure “the world knew we were in pain.”

In the last essay, “On Murder Memoirs,” Dancyger considers the runaway popularity of true crime stories as she tries to explain her decision not to attend the trial of the man charged with killing her cousin — even though she was trained as a journalist and wrote a well-regarded book about her late father that relied on investigative reporting. “When I finally sat down to write about Sabina, the story that came out was not about murder at all,” she says. “It was a love story.”

Readers can be thankful that it did.

AP book reviews: https://apnews.com/hub/book-reviews

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Book Review: Memoirist Lilly Dancyger’s penetrating essays explore the power of female friendships

The Associated Press

May 6, 2024, 10:51 AM

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Who means more to you — your friends or your lovers? In a vivid, thoughtful and nuanced collection of essays, Lilly Dancyger explores the powerful role that female friendships played in her chaotic upbringing marked by her parents’ heroin use and her father’s untimely death when she was only 12.

“First Love: Essays on Friendship” begins with a beautiful paean to her cousin Sabina, who was raped and murdered at age 20 on her way home from a club. As little kids, their older relatives used to call them Snow White and Rose Red after the Grimm’s fairy tale, “two sisters who are not rivals or foils, but simply love each other.”

That simple, uncomplicated love would become the template for a series of subsequent relationships with girls and women that helped her survive her self-destructive adolescence and provided unconditional support as she scrambled to create a new identity as a “hypercompetent” writer, teacher and editor. “It’s true that I’ve never been satisfied with friendships that stay on the surface. That my friends are my family, my truest beloveds, each relationship a world of its own,” she writes in the title essay “First Love.”

The collection stands out not just for its elegant, unadorned writing but also for the way she effortlessly pivots between personal history and spot-on cultural criticism that both comments on and critiques the way that girls and women have been portrayed — and have portrayed themselves — in the media, including on online platforms like Tumblr and Instagram.

For instance, she examines the 1994 Peter Jackson film, “Heavenly Creatures,” based on the true story of two teenage girls who bludgeoned to death one of their mothers. And in the essay “Sad Girls,” about the suicide of a close friend, she analyzes the allure of self-destructive figures like Sylvia Plath and Janis Joplin to a certain type of teen, including herself, who wallows in sadness and wants to make sure “the world knew we were in pain.”

In the last essay, “On Murder Memoirs,” Dancyger considers the runaway popularity of true crime stories as she tries to explain her decision not to attend the trial of the man charged with killing her cousin — even though she was trained as a journalist and wrote a well-regarded book about her late father that relied on investigative reporting. “When I finally sat down to write about Sabina, the story that came out was not about murder at all,” she says. “It was a love story.”

Readers can be thankful that it did.

AP book reviews: https://apnews.com/hub/book-reviews

Copyright © 2024 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, written or redistributed.

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Like Love by Maggie Nelson review – music, passion and friendship

Author: Lara Feigel

Length: • 4 mins

Annotated by David Kanigan

Vibrant essays from the author of The Argonauts touch on art, inspiration, and many of the central dilemmas of our times

“As a child I had so much energy I’d lie awake and feel my organs smolder,” Maggie Nelson wrote in 2005’s Jane: A Murder . She was a dancer before she was a writer and you can feel the commitment to the fire of bodily motion in her masterpieces: the shimmeringly brutal excavation of girlhood and violence in Jane , the story of her aunt’s killing at the hands of a rapist; the clear-headed yet ecstatic celebration of the transformations of pregnancy and top surgery, and the new kind of family she and her trans partner brought into being in The Argonauts (2015). Her dedication to the material finds the forms it needs; I don’t think she sets out to bend genres. Instead, her high-stakes eviscerations of body settle into radically new forms.

Is this the energy of the rebel or the valedictorian? For decades, Nelson has parted her hair, fastened her top button, won the right grades and grants while throwing herself voluptuously into the counterculture, dreaming of being an “ electric ribbon of horniness and divine grace ” like one of her inspirations, Prince . It’s an American energy – expansive, new, full of power, pleasure, change and motion; a frontier energy, even when she’s writing about New York. We can hear Whitman behind her, and Emerson. “Power ceases in the instant of repose,” Emerson pronounces in Self-Reliance ; “it resides in the moment of transition from a past to a new state, in the shooting of a gulf, in the darting to an aim.”

A decade after The Argonauts became the bible of English graduates everywhere, the essays in Like Love arrive to help us understand Nelson’s place in a culture where, to her half-delight, she has become such a powerful voice. Spanning two decades, they range from appreciations of influences including Prince and Judith Butler , to wild, freefalling conversations with figures such as Björk, Wayne Koestenbaum and Jacqueline Rose. There is a passionate, wondering account of her formative half-erotic friendship with the singer Lhasa de Sela . The writing isn’t consistent, any more than her books are. But I like to take my thinkers and writers whole, as she does. The essays offer a kind of composite self-portrait, and illustrate how she thinks, sometimes painstakingly, sometimes with casual jubilance, about some of the central dilemmas of our time.

Nelson demonstrates what it means to dedicate yourself to a cohort with seriousness and strenuousness

In the face of the climate crisis, how to avoid “giving in to the narcissistic spectacle of the slo-mo Titanic going down”? In the face of the crisis in feminism, how and whether to move beyond sexual difference? The written exchanges show her interlocutors thinking it through, too. “ You dare to step into the future like no one else atm ,” Björk says. It’s true. This is where all that restless energy is leading. This is why she’s an Emersonian, shying away from nihilism. “There are new lands, new men, new thoughts,” Emerson wrote in Nature , discarding the “dry bones” of his ancestors; “Let us demand our own works and laws and worship.”

In her powerful piece on the artist Carolee Schneemann , Nelson posits her as a female incarnation of Emerson’s self-reliant man. But it’s Nelson herself who proffers new laws and worship – whose project amounts to a practical philosophy of contemporary American culture. In The Argonauts she offers the gift of a future we can somehow share; one that acknowledges the miseries of the present, that has space for dreams, but is obstinately material and in our world. Here, in dialogue with Jacqueline Rose, she proposes that “ Everybody deserves the kind of non-stultifying internal breathing space of fluidity or instability that is attributed to queers, or to women, or whatever.”

Like Love’s title comes from writer and theatre critic Hilton Als ’s vision of a group on the subway not as white women or black men but as mouths that need filling “with something wet or dry, like love, or unfamiliar and savory, like love”. Nelson, too, is drawn to mouths – to orifices in general – as organs of pleasure and pain, and as portals enabling a radical openness.

Because Nelson likes writing about her friends, there’s a kind of homogeneity to much of the book that cumulatively left me feeling a little claustrophobic, longing especially for the roominess of time travel. With the exception of 2009’s Bluets , Nelson’s writing is so located in the postwar world that the past can feel entirely absent. This is her affinity with Emerson and Whitman again – her song to the future – but I wonder if I’m alone in wishing that, alongside those two often acknowledged ancestors, her future could have artists, activists and libertines from earlier centuries informing it, too.

Which is not to say that she’s wrong to write about the people in her circle. The brutality of the present moment may require us precisely to batten down the hatches and commit to extreme solidarity. At a time when institutional life is collapsing, when the pandemic privileged family over friends, when work expands in ways that leave many too exhausted to socialise, Nelson demonstrates what it means to dedicate yourself to a cohort with seriousness and strenuousness. “You, to me, quickly became an inspiration,” she tells the poet Brian Blanchfield , “a brother, a support in times of seriously dark waters, an editor, a lender of excellent and pivotal books, a cheerleader, a colleague, a couch sleeper (and couch mover), a fellow swimmer ... a corrupting gambler, (queer) family.” Like Love may be one of the most movingly specific, the most lovingly unruly celebrations of the ethics of friendship we have.

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